What is this feeling so sudden and new….?

It’s been a whirlwind couple weeks. Work, vacation, WORK, travel, family…WORK.  

Honestly I am exhausted.  But in a good way.  It was just a lot going on in a short period of time. 

Over the course of a few days I met with family, my work friend, an old friend, and a new colleague.  It was stressful, busy, successful and fun. 

I just got home.  Like drove over an hour fine, singing and just trying to decompress.  I sat at my desk to catch up on somethings and almost gasped.  I was just getting settled and was overcome by almost a sadness.  I don’t know how to express it but like my heart hurt.  Almost like I was missing…….like I was literally missing something.  What is wrong, what am I feeling?!!?

I kinda paused, closed my eyes, and was like WTH while resting my Hand on my chest.  

And then I heard *ding*….I got a message that just said “breathe”.  

WTAF?!?!  How.  How the hell. Just freaking how!?!?!?  What are the chances?!!?

So I responded “oh just got home…what did I miss?” And it was some BS work thing of course. 

But explain to me how the hell am I overcome with this weird, complicated, almost “foreign” emotion and out of the blue my friend (?) says breathe just as its happening. That isn’t NORMAL! Am I not normal?!?!?!  I don’t believe in this many coincidences!!!!

This $hit doesn’t happen with everyone and I really have to be in tune (which I have been trying to do lately) but it catches me off guard every GD time. 

Look I can get along with literally anyone (usually) so I generally make friends/pack bond with peeps and after 3 FULL days together we were sufficiently bonded (re-bonded) and thankfully not sick of each other (hahaha). But this is the 2nd time this overwhelming feeling has happened after a work trip and it’s starting to freak me the f**k out. 

I gotta go back, back, back to school again

My subconscious is unhinged.  In this episode of WTF we go back to High School. 

My memory of this dream begins with me (at the age I am now) walking through the halls of my High School. It's familiar but not.  I've been back to the school recently and its very modern and updated.  But I feel really short.  Or like everything is bigger?  Not sure.  

So I am in my 40's back in high school...what is happening?  So I am walking with books in my arms trying to find my classes.  Seriously WTF is going on. 

The first class I went to was psychology (that checks out for me).  In my class I recognize a bunch of girls that I went to HS with, and guys I knew in HS, along with one girl I am still close with but she went to another HS.  She told me "if I'm doing HS again, I am doing it with y'all!".  Then there are a bunch of guys (weird, I went to an all girls school) and girls I don't recognize. The ones I didn't know all looked at me, like stared, as I walked in (WTF). 

The next class was upstairs but the stairs were HUGE and there was no railing so I was having an issue going up the stairs. When I get close to the top, the top two stairs flatten out into a ramp and I can't get up it.  The teacher (in robes) told a girl at the top to help me.  She is tugging my arm (not very helpful) and says "I can't she's too fat!"  again WTF.  

This class is in an auditorium (which my HS doesn't have).  It was astronomy.  And I sat in the back but the teacher kept calling on me and making me uncomfortable because the people in the class I didn't know were the ones watching me.  The people I knew were looking down taking notes.  

It skipped around a bit and I was at a tiki bar (?) with hubs and a bunch of peeps from school.  I was introducing him to my HS friends and we were playing pool...I think.  It was a weird game but looked like pool.  

We walked up to the bar to get a drink and I knew two of the guys at the bar.  But they weren't people from HS or any of the peeps from dream school I didn't know. I knew them from school in the dream but like also knew them knew them... it was weird.  So we are waiting for our drinks and the guy closest to me is teasing me about something and nudging me.  Hubs was like what is going on and I explain whatever the joke is and he was like "y'all are weird".  As we are all talking I keep thinking "I know him.  I know him.  Who is this".  But I couldn't see his face.  It was like a tickle in my brain.  

The other guy was talking to hubs over us about football or something.  And the one closest to me was like "I'm worried about you."  What, why?!?!?!  I was leaning on my elbows on the bar and I distinctly remember him putting his hand on my arm and saying "you need to be careful, please promise me you'll be careful".  And that's when I really focused on his hands.  He had smallish hands for a guy, a black.gray wedding ring, hairy arms, and tanish skin.  Why does this look familiar?!?!?!?!?  I don't usually remember people's f**king hands, who is this??!?!

Something happens behind us and I am knocked into hubs.  He puts his arms around me and when I look back to the guy next to me I see something, but its blurry, like I can't focus.  I see light eyes looking sad.  He grabs my hand and says "did you hear me, you need to be careful!  They are watching you." What?!?!  Who??!!?!? And then I recognize the voice. I know that voice.  I talk with that voice almost daily.  We work together.  We are friends.  Why can't I see you?!?!!?  

It jumps again and I am back in school.  It's like an art class or a lab...I can't tell, there are two people to a table.  I recognize some people but then there are those "Others".  I still don't know why we all had to go back to school but its not normal school.  Something is different.  

The teacher tells us to get into groups of four.  The girl at my table I have known since 1st grade.  She hops up and goes to our other friends we all went to grammar school with. I am odd man out but there is a table of "others" behind me that need another person.  Its two guys and a girl.  One guy was blonde, tall and muscular skinny.  The other was dark haired, and more broad muscular.  The girl had long wavy red hair and was VERY pretty.  Honestly all stupidly attractive. So I join them.  

They looked almost goth but not...also kinda grunge.  It's hard to explain. They were actually VERY accepting but were also some of the ones that just kinda stared at me in other classes.  We were doing some sort of group project and kinda became friends (?).  They'd told me things.  I don't remember the things but I know I knew secrets I shouldn't know. It jumped again and we were at someones house.  But it was older.  Like looked like a house from the late 80's, early 90's.  

This group project was some sort of magic (?) but the peeps in my group were very certain the teacher was up to something and it was dark magic.  It was bad and we needed to stop.  But if we didn't do the project we'd fail.  If we failed we would be put in a "camp" (seriously WTAF).  

The blonde was acting the weirdest of all.  Apparently we'd become very close. He had stormed off and the others were like, He'll only listen to you.  So I followed him into a dark room.  I couldn't see anything and he said from the darkness, you shouldn't be here.  What if I hurt you.  And I said "you wouldn't hurt me".  

He pinned me against a wall with unnatural speed.  He leaned into my personal space and almost growled "are you scared yet?".  And I said "I'm not scared of you".  He leaned in next to my left ear and said "you should be". And then sank his fangs into my neck. 

I woke up but not in a panic.  I still wasn't scared.  Because the feeling I felt when he bit me wasn't fear.  It was like I was helping a friend.

So that is my weird @$$ dream of the month.  It's a lot to unpack...not even gonna try right now.  

That almost seems like a line in the sand

That’s it…I am so over people!  I don’t get it…. But I will respect it because I am not a complete psycho. 

So I think it happened.  I think I have officially “lost” another friend.  There were a few acting a fool a while back….I thought all was good but I guess I should know by now some persons of the opposite gender are incapable or unable to be friends.  

Again, I have a BUNCH of guy friends.  Completely platonic, male friends.  We are all friends with each other and in many cases each other’s spouses. 

Everything has been okie dokie artichokie so I thought we were past the weirdness but alas I was incorrect. 

I try very very hard not to read into things.  Mainly because it’s exhausting and generally I’d prefer people be DIRECT.  But sometimes you get a vibe and just KNOW something is up. 

So I got a message the other day.  Not a mean message but a message none the less and it was odd.  It was ridiculously “formal” and unlike our normal bantering messages.  At first I was like all good we all have stuff going on during the day.  So I said cool, thanks, and whatnot and went on with my day.  

But later I saw it again and was like WTF.  It’s no longer “hey friend or hey bestie” its just hello or Hi. Or the weirdest is my actual full name, not like my nickname.  Again tried not to read into it.  

But then I made a comment about Not sure if you saw my pic or not and I got the “I don’t think I should like or comment on your pictures.”  Ummmm I’m sorry what?  

1. That’s fine I was just asking did you see it

2. Why did you tell me that?

3. WTF happened now!?!?

Also, I don’t think we can “hang out” or meet up  Which again we live fairly far apart sooooo it’s unlikely but what on earth happened.  Like please please please don’t tell me you think I was like hitting on you because I am friendly and like pack bond with everyone (not in an oogy way, I am stupidly loyal to peeps I click with).   You know (and can see) I have it pretty dang good and actually love my hubs and would NEVER. 

AND I have way too much respect for you and your spouse.  Like do you even know me?!?!?!  I mean I guess it could be a jealously thing.  but like 1. Not a cheater 2. Not my type 3. Did I mention, Not into the whole cheating thing?!?!?

Or maybe we got too close?  But like how….we don’t even live in the same f**king state. Like they thought we crossed a line of closeness…?  But again,…JUST FRIENDS!!!!!!!!!!  And our messages weren’t scandalous…they were generally non-sense and gifs!

So anyways, I doubt we’ll be bantering and hanging out ever again so that blows because we were actually kinda close but hopefully some semblance of our friendship is salvaged. 

Friendship is a gift…I really wish people would cherish and have more respect for it!!!

Just call me Mary Poppins y’all

I guess this is Part 2 or “The end”, since I called the other one the beginning.  

We left off with a friend dragging me away from my grandparents house and ending up on a hill looking at a two story blue siding and brick house.  He grabbed my hand and said “You’ll be safe with us”.  

We started walking towards the house and that is when I realized it was actually two houses SUPER close together.  Like their front porches were almost touching. I turned to my companion and was like “bruh why you built so close to this other house?!?” And he said something about saving money. 

We went inside and he said “I can’t wait for you to meet *insert wife’s name*”.  As soon as he said her name, I realized who he was.  He was MY friend.  We work together.  How didn’t I recognize him before?!!? He’s just a smidge taller than me…I would know him anywhere!

I could hear kids playing someplace and I heard someone call out his name from the other room.  Now I’ve never in person met my friend’s wife.  I see pictures on social media but that’s all.  So he guides me into like a kitchen/breakfast area and there is his wife but like she looked different than pics but still I knew it was her.  She seemed surprised to see me so he told her something about how I was in danger and needed to stay with them.  He left out the whole party at my grandparents house turning into a literal nightmare. 

She was incredibly nice and asked if I needed to rest.  I told her yes and was brought to a spare room where I was immediately “attacked” by 3 children.  Again never met the kids but I know a lot about them from him.  I was their new friend apparently.  

It jumped around a bit but I was there for a while. At least it felt like some time was passing.  I played ALOT with the kids.  I distinctly remember running around with them playing like hide and seek or something and all of us getting fussed at for being “wild”.  Which is hilarious because I know I am older than both my friend and his wifey.  

At one point I was in like a hallway with a doorway into the back of the kitchen.  But the door way was kind of small.  Like a child could walk through it but an adult would have to duck.  My friend found me and we were talking and I asked about the small doorway.  He said the house came that way and the builder said they weren’t allowed to make it bigger (WTAF).  He said he hit his head on it regularly.  But he didn’t like to use it…because it didn’t feel right.  

I am not sure the dynamic but I think I may have become like a Nanny for them. We were as close as ever and I became really close with his wife.  Like we had alot to talk about but for the life of me I cant remember any of it.  One night they were about to go out with friends.  These friends came over, two couples.  One of the women was a tall African American woman.  I recognized her but not sure from where but my friends were like “Oh y’all know each other!”.  

They were panicking because the babysitter didn’t show up. And I was like I can stay home with the kids.  That’s what y’all have me for.  Plus I don't have anything to wear to dinner that looks fancy enough.  This is when I noticed everyone was in like formal attire and I was in like a cute dress but not nearly dressy enough.

My friend was like no, you are supposed to come with us.  You have to come with us.  You can’t stay alone, its not safe, that’s not how this works.  That creepy feeling from the last dream came back.  Like I didn’t know I was dreaming, so not a lucid dream but the unsafe feeling came back.  

My friends wife was like we should just stay in, we have the movie room! I was so confused, they were dressed for like a ball, not a night in with movies and pizza.  She looked…scared.  He looked concerned and I realized I had three kids hugging me, like they were scared they’d never see me again.  

That’s when I noticed the sound.  Not wind, not weather…but a low growling howling.  It was dark outside but not like night…unnaturally dark. I didn’t feel safe anymore.  I started to have a panic attack (not something that happens to me often).  

My friend grabbed me by the shoulders and looked into my eyes and said we have to go. He has very distinct eyes, like he was looking through me…it was weird.  He said  I’ll see you next time. And hugged me incredibly tight.

that’s the end.

So I dunno what the hell I ate last night but this is what my subconscious came up with.  

Did I somehow attend a Dead People Party????

Dreams are weird. They jump around…they make no sense.  But gosh sometimes they feel so dang real!

The beginning.  We were at my grandparents old house in NOLA.  The one that was destroyed by Katrina.  Everything was the same.  The scents, the furniture, my deceased grandparents and Paran.  There were even a bunch of dogs and cats but none that I recognized.  The only real difference was that about 3 feet in front of their front porch was a 6 foot tall chain link fence. 

There were other people there but even though in the dream I knew them…I couldn’t tell you who they were.  But they felt like family/friends.  Well one of the bigger dogs got over the fence and was on the street side.  My Paran and I were trying to wrangle it and a couple others that weren’t theirs that showed up because we were worried about them getting hit by a car. My pawpaw was fussing for us to hurry up because we were outside the fence.  

It was kind of chaotic and somehow cats were also involved.  But it was fun and everyone was laughing.  It was nighttime now and we went inside to eat.  It felt like the last Christmas Eve we were all together.  Lots of food on the table (buffet style), tons of people, laughing, and chatting.  But my mom, uncles and cousins weren’t there… which was weird but still It felt SOOOOO real. 

I remember at one point my bow legged pawpaw leaning against me laughing.  It was so surreal. Someone at the party…someone I couldn’t place because they never were at my grandparents house but they were a friend was about to leave.  That’s when things went sideways.  Something was wrong.  Very wrong.  Like we weren’t supposed to be there.  The feeling of safe left and they were telling me I needed to leave.  I needed to leave now.  

When we walked outside the sky looked like something out of a Sci-Fi movie.  It was a dark swirling mass of black, purple, dark blue, with streaks of silver.  This friend was panicked.  He kept saying we aren’t supposed to be here and grabbed my arm and his dog (this little white, shiatsu looking thing) and we climbed the fence to leave.  

I remember turning around to see if anyone else was coming but they were just standing by the fence watching, looking kinda sad. This friend kept saying NOLA Gurl come on, we have to leave now! So we started running down their street in the opposite direction of St Roch Park. As we were running the dark neighborhood was falling away and suddenly we were on a small hill of green grass looking towards this two story blue siding and brick house.  He grabbed my hand again and said you’ll be safe with us.  When I turned around to see the old neighborhood again…it was gone, just trees and green grass. 

This is when it transitions…. So I will start another post

What is my brain trying to tell me

Yet another dream….shocking!  I’ve not dreamt about my friend (who needs to get out of his own head) in a while but I did last night.  Nothing crazy but he was in it.  

We were at the beach.  I think it was a trip but it almost seemed like a work thing/mini vacay.   There was a HUGE property you could walk to from the hotel we were staying at.  There were 4 of us (2 girls, 2 guys)and we were having the best time.  

It skipped around some but I know we went to some presentations and met with others but we always always went to dinner together and hung out after.  There was this one Italian place where the other girl made friends with the chef and we were convinced they were gonna hook up.   

I know we walked on the beach a lot and drank (not in excess) and honestly just had fun.  Nothing nefarious was going on.  Me and my friend we normal again and it was so incredibly nice.  Our last night we decided to go to a different restaurant and were messing with the other girl that we would have to stop by and tell her boy bye to lessen the heart break.  

While we were waiting for a table by the water we went outside to the boardwalk to just enjoy the sunset.  My friend came up next to me and wanted to take a selfie it was innocent and sweet.  Just two friends taking a photo.  I remember looking at it and being so happy we were back to normal!!!

The other two came out and we took another pic.  They called our name for the table and we started to head in.  My friend stopped me and was like we are gonna miss the sunset!!!  So I stayed out with him to watch it.  It was stunning.  So many colors and setting over the water.  Just beautiful!  

I looked over and he was staring at me again and I was like “wut?”  He said he was glad I stuck around and didn’t hate him.  Bruh why would I hate you, you’re like my stardust mate or something.  He put his arm over my shoulder (friendly) and I felt something on my temple.  He gave me the most platonic kiss on the temple and said “I missed you”.

Then I woke up.  

Don't date/marry/f**k sadistic, manipualtive, @$$holes...even if they are attractive!

Okay so there was a lot of joking on my part about how crazy shouldn't be so attractive when I was watching that show on Netflix.  You know the one with the guy and the girl and the other guy and other girl and the superpowers....thing (*pssst* it's Jessica Jones if you didn't figure that one out).

Anyways, watching crazy psycho (unfortunately attractive) Kilgrave makes you go "WOW so glad that superpower doesn't actually exist!"  I can't imagine someone having that much power of suggestion over me.  That is a whole other level of f**ked up.

Then something in the real world happens and you go "F**K some people in REAL LIFE manage to do that without mind controlling superpowers" ...I need an adult!!!!

I say this because I know a lady.  She is older than me by a few years but has been married for much longer.  It was an awful relationship.  From day two no one in her life "liked" him.  Everyone liked him at first because he was SUPER HOT and charming (hence the "day two").  He knew just what to say but something was always off.  Simmering under the surface, you just got a "danger Will Robinson" vibe.  She wasn't a bad person, she just tended to make emotional decisions which weren't always good decisions.  She was full of love, very caring...highly empathetic.  She had some kids from previous relationships (not judging just stating fact) before she met this person.  It was a whirlwind love affair that confused and concerned everyone around her because SHE started to change.

The first incident happened before they married.  One of her children was injured and brought to the ER.  CPS was called (this is normal).  CPS determined the child had suffered multiple instances of abuse from the BF most likely  (no one said what but I think we all assumed the worst). No charges were pressed but CPS said he is not allowed around your kids or we will take them away.  She chose him over her babies.  Her babies almost went into foster care before family stepped up.  WTaF?!?! What sane person...in charge of their own faculties willingly gives up their right as a parent?!?!?  And for a BF for that matter!?!?! Okay I know some people do but this was way out of character for her, yet she was "okay" with it.  Is she having a mental break?!?!?

She married Casanova, had another child, and basically stopped talking to EVERYONE.   She came to functions and stuff but wasn't the same.  She was spaced out...not really there...most of what she said made little or no sense (and no she wasn't on drugs she had to be tested regularly for work).  If her hubby snapped she was at his side doing whatever he asked..."hmmm that's...odd."  She went from strong willed to a complete submissive. 

*sirens* *red flags* *danger, danger*  but no matter what we said she still stayed with him.  He cheated on her.  He lied to her.  He put her in horrid financial situations.  He physically hurt her but she never pressed charges...  The typical "I fell into a wall" excuse.  Somehow he still managed to charm his way into people's hearts (or heads) and convinced them SHE was cuckoo.  And yet she stayed.  She defended his every indiscretion.  He "loved" her.

*Flash Forward a few years* She FINALLY had enough of the cheating and left *angels singing*.  But he still has a hold on her.  I don't understand. Its like she is 100% brainwashed.  He can convince her to do ANYTHING!  One day she rants and raves about his crazy manipulation to everyone.  Then the next she is saying how he is being such a great guy through all of this.  *rinse, repeat*  He has turned their child against her.  Convinced her that she is in the wrong for leaving his cheating @$$.  Convinced her that HE SHOULD HAVE FULL CUSTODY because she doesn't DESERVE their spawn and she should pay him...even though she makes significantly less than him.  He somehow convinced her they should still be intimate (this one FLOORS ME).  Convinced her to file a whatever that royally screws her over and costs him nothing.  Even with everyone SCREAMING "no don't do that" she still did it. He got the house, BOTH cars, the tax refund, their business SIGNED OVER TO HIM, and so much more.  She got diddly...well an STD (a curable one but still!). What is happening?!!?!?  Can't someone step in and say this is not right...something is very wrong...she is under duress.....anything...? 

Yes you can say she is just an idiot but it still doesn't add up.  Anyone can see something isn't right.  No one f**ks themselves that badly on purpose.  She has no self worth.  She has no monetary worth.  She has insane trust issues.  For years he did whatever (and whoever) he wanted and she just did what she was told.  Now she is "out" but he is still telling her what to do...and she feels like she has to comply. 

Its like a sick compulsion.  She freaks out if she goes against him.  We are talking a legit panic attack.  Every time she goes against him, she freaks the f**k out until she "fixes" it.  You tell me that's not scary as $hit!  This isn't some mutant from the Comics who has a "power"...this is Joe Blow from podunk.  He doesn't have a super power but he still CONTROLS HER MIND.  Its not magic.  It's manipulation.  It's brainwashing.  It's AWFUL.  He has no conscience.  He has no self control.  No one made him do anything.  He is a bad person. 

We have a real life Kilgrave walking among us.  He is 100% human and there is nothing we can do except watch our loved one crash and burn. 

F**k Cancer

I'm fine and my immediate family/friends are fine but someone I haven't thought about in YEARS isn't.  He is a friend of a friend but when he came visit us we became fast friends.  We probably haven't spoken in 10 years but we keep up with each other through our mutual friend.

He is 1 year older than me (soooo YOUNG!).  He was having abdominal pains.  The docs couldn't pin point the source of the pain.  Things like obstruction, twisted bowel, cyst, etc were thrown out.  Then someone took a closer look at an x-ray and saw something hiding behind his other organs.  He went into emergency surgery because of the location and size.  We are hoping it was caught in time and all will be well but I am so scared for him...for his wife...for his young children. 

I haven't really thought about him in a long while so when I heard this news all the crazy college visits came flooding back.  One in particular has me smiling like an idiot.  So everyone was gone for a break/holiday thing.  There were only a few of us left in the area.  I went home to NOLA to visit the fam.  I got a call from my friend saying his BFF from high school flew in on a whim and they were heading to NOLA.  I was like, here's my momma's address pick me up on the way to town. 

I thought my momma was gonna pass out when they showed up at the door.  I come from a VERY Southern/Sheltered/Catholic family.  My friend and his BFF are Middle Eastern.  I saw no issue but apparently all the stereotypes she'd heard came flying to the surface.  Thankfully she just smiled and was super polite.  (she's fine with it now because well, he is just a normal guy) So off we went to show my new buddy the infamous City of New Orleans.  

We had sooooooooooo much fun.  The best part about being a local is seeing the amazement and wonder through a tourist.  A tourist who isn't acting like a jerk-face but embracing all the uniqueness that is NOLA.  What was funny is my friend was BFF's with my then Boyfriend so they were "protecting" me from being hit on.  They learned the best way to do this was to tell everyone I was their SISTER!  You don't understand how funny this was.  People were like "whaaaa...really?!!?" Think about it.  They are both brown skinned with dark hair and dark eyes.  I am light olive complected with blonde hair and green eyes.  It was hilarious!  It was so fun that the joke has stuck around all these years later.  I still get introduced as the "sister" by my friend and its still flipping hilarious because people don't always cover their "shock" well. 

All silly memories aside, I am worried about my brother from another mother...city...COUNTRY but I am hoping it being caught early, they can get him on the road to recovery quickly.  

People baffle me, maybe that is why I like psychology...

I've never been one to follow the crowd.  Well I say that.  I mean I follow the crowd if its something I want to do but I've not normally been one to do something just because everyone else does it.  This gets me a bit of grief from time to time because it is apparently frowned upon.  Sorry but that isn't going to change.

With that said I am 100% confused by people who CHANGE once they have a sig other or a new friend.  Now I am not talking about growing into a relationship with a person and becoming a better version of you.  Obviously every relationship changes each of us...for better or worse.  I am talking about those who change to "show off" or because they think the new person in their life expects it.  I am all about meeting new people but if adding people to your life makes you an @$$hole then I recommend not doing that.

I've never felt the need to knock another person because I have a new addition in my life.  This confuses me...does not compute.  ya know I try very hard not to take things personally but when things happen REPEATEDLY, I'm eventually going to take offense.  Just because you are "happy" or  even "sad" doesn't mean you get to yell at others, call them insulting names, try to make them feel bad because they aren't doing whatever you deem necessary at that point...basically don't be a tw@t.  Also, constantly telling them you are now having sexual relations really isn't necessary.  I mean good for you, I am happy for you but telling me you are now sexually active once a night is enough.  And I don't really want to hear about licking of the genitals and how a rough tongue really does things.

I just don't grasp why we must change for the worse to let a newbie know we are "fun".  Because let me tell you being a jerk to your family/friends because you have a new friend or f**k buddy doesn't win you any points.  Truthfully, if I was with a person doing that I would run very quickly in the other direction.  Who is to say that insanity isn't going to be directed at you one day?!?

What is sad is these persons who change like this aren't usually like that.  They are normally quite kind and funny without being an @$$hat. Its like they force this "cool" persona to try and prove they are worthy but it really just makes me want to slap them.  Just be you!  Why is that so hard??? Being the REAL you is what your new friend/sig other wants.  Not some fake personality you create so you look "cool".

Ever have a song slap you in the face?

Yea, I know I seem to have a strange connection to music at times but some songs just speak to me.  So a while back I somehow got the Katy Perry album Prism for free.  I was happy about it.  I like her sometimes and I knew a few of the songs so "Yay". 

Anyways as I've said recently my little pink iPod nano is on the fritz so I have to keep it on shuffle.  Of course with 2000 songs who knows what you are going to get.  So imagine my surprise when I heard this song and almost cried....almost...not quite.  Moving on, I was driving to podunk Louisiana for an appointment at the butt crack of dawn listening to music.  I wasn't paying close attention but I heard this part "Looked in the mirror and decided to stay.  Wasn't gonna let love take me out. That way".

At this point I woke up enough to realize I needed to restart this song.  I listened to it 3 times.  You don't understand...this song happened to me.  It described MY LIFE, even down to the age.  Not my age now...but my age when my entire world went to $hit.  I was only 27...or already 27 (depending on how you want to look at it). I was engaged and had a house and everything was great until it wasn't.  And the only reason I was able to pick up the pieces of my broken life was because of my friends (they are like my sisters).  Without them, I don't know what would have happened to me.  The song is called "By the Grace of God" and while I have my moments of anti-religion, this song spoke/speaks to me.

Here are the lyrics...if I didn't know any better, I'd swear they were taken from my diary.

Katy Perry - By The Grace of God

Was 27 surviving my return to Saturn
A long vacation didn't sound so bad
Was full of secrets locked up tight like iron melting
Running on empty, so out of gas

Thought I wasn't enough and I wasn't so tough
Laying on the bathroom floor
We were living on a fault line
And I felt the fault was all mine
Couldn't take it any more

By the grace of God (there was no other way)
I picked myself back up (I knew I had to stay)
I put one foot in front of the other and I
Looked in the mirror and decided to stay
Wasn't gonna let love take me out
That way

I thank my sister for keeping my head above the water
When the truth was like swallowing sand
Now every morning
There is no more morning oh I
Can finally see myself again

I know I am enough
Possible to be loved
It was not about me
Now I have to rise above
Let the universe call the bluff
Yeah the truth will set you free

By the grace of God (there was no other way)
I picked myself back up (I knew I had to stay)
I put one foot in front of the other and I
Looked in the mirror and decided to stay
Wasn't gonna let love take me out

That way no
There ain't no
Not in the name of love
In the name of love (in the name of love)
That way
There ain't no
I'm not giving up

By the grace of God
I picked myself back up
I put one foot in front of the other and I
Looked in the mirror (looked in the mirror)
Looked in the mirror (looked in the mirror)

By the grace of God (there was no other way)
I picked myself back up (I knew I had to stay)
I put one foot in front of the other and I
Looked in the mirror and decided to stay
Wasn't gonna let love take me out
That way

Selfish...me? I don't think that word means what you think it means.....

Okay so its a rant (kind of), get ready or don't read further.  I have two short scenarios that made my blood boil.



1.  FAMILY member asking me quietly about babies and whatnot (I am okay with this...this doesn't bother me).  FAMILY member taking my niece from my aunt and putting her in my arms so I could get then envie.  While I adore her...WTH people?!? FAMILY member asking if we were at least trying.  Me saying yes.  Them saying well maybe you need to seek other methods (IVF).  While I wouldn't be opposed to that IF I had more money, I am opposed to it right now, its f**king expensive!  And insurance pays for NONE OF IT here in LA.  Family member calling me SELFISH for not wanting to go further into debt to conceive.  How the f**k is that being selfish!?!?  Reproducing is not required.  I want yes but I don't want enough to have to file for bankruptcy!  If I come into some funds then maybe or maybe I'll use them to pay for adoption fees.  Whatever the case may be opting to not do IVF because of financial stability is not being f**king SELFISH!  What good is getting preggo if I don't have a house or car or money to raise a baby!?!?!




2. Me relaying the above story to an acquaintance.  Not a BFF or family but a friend in some ways (an acquaintance after this ridiculousness).  The response was "well I can't say anything because I CAN  have babies".  Me true but I just...its not something that happens for many without assistance.  The response "I don't know why.  I had babies so easy. All I did was think about a baby and poof I was pregnant".  Right.  This is true I have some family members like this.  I know its easy for many but some of US *emphasis on the US* (hello me, me...you know your "friend" who you KNOW has issues) can't without help so it would be great if insurance would at least pick up some of the tab.  The response "No they shouldn't do that.  Then our premiums would go up just because some chick was defective".  *gob smacked* Riiiight.  *thinking* So by your standards should insurance not pay for people with chronic illness too?!?!?!  *said* Well insurance is still stupid and I hate that ours is now 60/40 instead of 80/20.




I just found BOTH of these scenarios rude and insensitive.  Everyone can have an opinion but if you KNOW someone is having a problem conceiving, both of the above are probably not things you should say TO THEM.  Asking questions is one thing but this was just beyond unkind.

Doctor Who, making instant best friends out of strangers since 1963

Okay so recently I was in a meeting.  We were waiting for some other important peoples to arrive.  Of course being one of the two the faces of my company I couldn't just sit there and play on my phone *darn*.  I had to be social and interact with the persons already in the room.  Idle chit chat, right, anyway.

So the usual was thrown about...Where are you from?  Did you watch dem Tigers?  Can you believe this insane weather?!?!  And of course, where'd you go to school?  Since I wasn't in NOLA, I figured they were asking about College.  So I said I went to LSU for my Undergrad and UNO for my MBA.  There were maybe 5 people in the room so far.  So I got oh yea, cool.  Wow, an MBA, so your like smart *wink, wink*.  Then the (attractive yet VERY quiet) guy next to me was staring at me, barely containing his smile/laughter.  So ARE you a Master? I started to get defensive, I was thinking "what you don't think I'm smart enough to have a Masters or something?!?!"  But before I could say anything @$$hole-ish he just leaned over and whispered "I thought you wanted to be called Missy... *raised eyebrow*". 

Okay he has NO IDEA if I am a whovian, right?!?!  I was like no f**king way!  I swear my jaw was hanging with no response in sight.  Then I looked down and realized my business satchel has "Bad Wolf" written very faintly on it.   I've had it FOREVER and no one has said anything before so I didn't even think about it!

 

So I just busted out laughing, I couldn't come up with anything witty, it was too much, my brain shorted out.  So he started laughing and the rest of the room was like "WTF...?" 






I was teary eyed and giggly.  It was hilarious (to us)!  The best response I had, after nearly snorting with laughter, was "do I look like a cracked out Mary Poppins???" Which only increased the giggles from both of us.

So I shook his hand and said good one, you got me, I wasn't expecting that!  The rest of the peeps were still very confused.  We eventually exited our personal fandom bubble and started talking to the rest again, never explaining why I wasn't offended by what he said or why we were laughing so hard. 

It's like "oh you like Doctor Who?!?!?!" *instant bond*  I love it!!!

Am I the only person who doesn't feel like they have to say "goodbye"?

I think people think that it is because I "can't deal with letting go" but honestly that isn't the case.  At least not for me.  I know many people...most people feel the need to say "goodbye" when someone is dying or has died.  And while I will pay my respects to those who are passing or have passed, I don't feel like it really helps me in any way. 

I dislike it.  And it isn't because of those reasons, like I don't like dealing with change/death/whatever.  It is because I have a memory(ies) of that person and I HATE that the last one I am going to have of them is of them weak or ghastly.  It is just something that has always baffled me.  I don't get closure from that.  Am I a freak?!?!  I again feel like a shrink would be like "boo, you have issues" but I really don't think I do.

I've always said (well as an adult) "funerals aren't for the deceased, they are for the ones left behind." Everyone said I would regret not going to my uncle's funeral.  Granted it was because I had an @$$hole of a professor who said "Uncle" wasn't considered immediate family and wouldn't excuse me from my final.  Could I have protested it?  Of course!  But I would have had an "Incomplete" for the semester until the university reached a decision and I truthfully didn't have much of a desire to go.  Again not because I didn't want to deal with it but because I just didn't feel like seeing him dead in a coffin and trying to console my hysterical family members would help me with my mourning.  Because lets be realistic, that is what would have happened.  For some reason many people at funerals want it to be all about them.  I can't tell you how many times I have been to a service and a fight/argument broke out over something as stupid as a flower and who was "allowed" to get one.  It makes my skin crawl.  It is a human thing (maybe I AM from Mars).  Many want the constant  attention of "feel sorry for me, my _____ has died".  And while yes that is sad, and I understand your grief, I personally don't deal well with theatrics. Being sad is one thing but I can't handle the over the top response.  I get that, that is just how some people are but it isn't me so don't try to pull me into that.  I am private, I mourn privately.  I tear up, I sniffle but don't come up to me and touch me intimately and be like "Go ahead and cry I am here for you." Because I will extract myself from you while probably laughing nervously and remove myself from the room. Everyone mourns differently, at least that is my take.  Unless I can tell someone wants a hug (you can tell by body language), I wont hug them...I wont just latch onto someone...I give my condolences and move along.  

Moving on.  If anything, going probably would have given me bad dreams.  The funeral wasn't for "him", he wasn't there...he had moved on...it was for my family...and seriously I love them but they are a bunch of nutters.  I didn't want to deal with the drama that was likely to ensue.  All I needed was my bat$hit crazy grandma trying to force me to go up to the coffin or force me to read during the service.  It was bad enough I got yelled at and called horrible names for not saying to hell with my final and going because I WAS supposed to read a passage.  I don't regret it.  Never have.  I went to the grave site later and I was fine.

I've been to quite a few funerals.  I don't go to the coffin, I have in the past but it didn't do anything for me.  It just isn't my thing...why is that so hard for people to understand this???  I don't NEED to see them one last time or touch their cold, lifeless skin.  I go to the services because those closest to the deceased need support.  Maybe this will change as I get older but I really doubt it.  I prefer to make funerals more of a remember the good times thing (which sometimes makes me VERY unpopular), instead of "hey, so and so died, lets all cry".

I am thinking about this because someone I know...someone I am close to is more than likely going to pass soon.  They don't know what is going on around them but I am and will be there for the grieving family.  I got the guilt trip of all guilt trips because I haven't put my life on hold to say goodbye (and continue to say goodbye).  I don't have to, in my opinion.  I've been to see them, I've realized it won't be much longer...its not good but I don't live nearby, I can't go everyday...does that make me a bad person...? I don't think they would want me to stop living because they are at the end of their journey...will I be sad, of course but what else am I supposed to do???

Why do you care so much?!?!?

Okay time to be serious for a second.  So I have this "friend" on Facebook.  I put friend in quotes because although we were kinda tight in school we have drifted apart and based on recent posts they are insane now.

Excuse me while I become a broken record but like I've said before EVERYONE is entitled to their opinion(s).  You can have them all day long but once your start forcing your beliefs/opinion(s) on others that NEGATIVELY affects them I want to cover you in paper cuts, roll you in salt and throw you into a pool of lemon juice.

You can be religious, that is fine.  If your religion says that being homosexual is wrong, fine (I guess).  I loosely (key word) follow the same religion but I have a very, very different belief.  These people are just like you and me.  They are human and sorry to burst your bubble but they were also made in God's image so to say.  Some immensely religious people from our youth are gay and that is OKAY!  They were brought up just like us, you can't tell me they were suddenly "corrupted by Satan" or whatever nonsense you have been blabbing all over the inter-webs.  You want freedom of Religion, freedom of speech, just FREEDOM to be you but you don't want these people to have the same?  Why?!?!?! Because they are different?  If you didn't know their preference would you still treat them like they have a horrible disease?  No you wouldn't...so why does it matter to you?!?!?!

How does a gay couple getting married affect you exactly?!?!?!  Because they like someone of the same sex they are evil...bad...corrupt and getting married would enhance that somehow????  I know enough people to know that they are 100% the same as us in every aspect except who they are attracted to.  They just want to be happy with who makes them happy...WHY DO YOU CARE SO MUCH!?!?  Are you scared your children will *gasp* be gay?!?!  And what if they are?  It wont be because they saw two guys kissing...it isn't a freaking lifestyle choice.  If they are attracted to the same sex there is no changing that...it is just who they are so stop trying to change them! I'd be more worried that a serial killer moved in next door.  A gay couple wont murder you in your sleep, they'll probably bring you a bottle of wine and try to be your best friends...ya know like a normal couple because that is all they are, a NORMAL COUPLE.  Stop putting awful things on your Facebook.  You sound like a crazy person!!!

Them: *posts article about "gay marriage" in their area* "OMG, this better get overturned!  They'll start spreading this like the plague!!!"
Me:  *thinking* Did you just compare "gay marriage" to plague??? Are you f**king kidding me?!?!? 


Just note that I'm not associated with them anymore.  A while back I posted something about two of my friends getting married in another state, "OMG (Insert Friend name) and (Insert other friend name) are getting married in (insert state name) today!!!" It was meant to be happy.  I posted the exact same effing thing when my BFF and her husband got married last year.  But on this one, swear to God they commented with "OMG how horrifying!  I can't believe they are doing that to you!!!" Ummmm what?!?  They think just because we knew each other and are both Catholic that my post was meant to be negative.  Why would I TAG them if I was trying to be an @$$????  I responded with "I am happy for them, they are my friends." They responded with "you should know that it is wrong and are guilty by association." Guilty of what?!?!  I ended up deleting the exchange because I didn't want my friends to see it.  I instead messaged them my well wishes.  I am surprised they left me as a friend on FB since I associate with such "heathens", I should have deleted them then but I forgot about them honestly.

Then recently they went on a rant about a transgender child who was wanting to use the girls bathroom because he identifies as female.  They were going bat$hit about him just wanting to peep on the girls and that he was a perv and all this other really awful stuff.  I think they went so far as to say  something about transgender persons being monsters and accepting them would be the "downfall of society" and the beginnings of "Armageddon".  For one she is a CHILD, stop it!  Second, she was asking because she was getting bullied horrifically in the boys bathroom.  There were other things posted about this topic.  One about a female in the army who identified as male and another that happened at a gym.  The army sided with my "friends" beliefs, the gym sided with mine.  Can you picture the comments that happened?!?!?  They were awful...(I finally blocked them).  Mind you I saw these articles on other pages as well but they weren't posted with hatred. 

Seriously the things they said made me want to cry.  Doesn't your religion teach you about acceptance????  Teach you to love EVERYONE???  I seriously don't think Jesus was like "love everyone...except that guy...don't love him, he is different".  I don't see this type of discrimination often because I happen to be "straight" and tend to surround myself with people who think like me. But when I see it I want to build a wall and protect all those who experience this type of hate.  No one deserves to be treated poorly just because they are "different".  That goes for EVERYONE not just who you choose to believe is like you. 

Shut up! Just shut up, shut up, shut up, shuttity up-up-up!!!

I think you should listen to the Doctor, it could save your life...from angry me!

Remember that opinion thing...everyone is entitled to one but just because you have one doesn't mean you should voice it.  Yea I need this printed on a note card so I can slam it into people's faces when they have a stupid because I had more than one person (actually 4 to be exact) over the course of a week say something about "pet owners" and I almost lost my $hit.

Let me learn you something.  Just because you don't like animals OR certain kinds of animals doesn't mean they are "bad".  This isn't about "viscous breeds" either.  This is about all animals...mainly CATS!  Yes, cats are @$$holes.  No really, you correct them and they look at you like "biotch please".  But just because someone has cats doesn't mean A) they jump on the counter willy nilly 2) they are on said counter during food prep and C) or 3) all our food products contain cat fur!

Just because you have seen on TV that crazy people horde cats (and dogs) and live in filth or let their cats do whatever does NOT mean all animal owners are like this.  My cats are so scared to jump on the counter because they have been sprayed or had things thrown at them.  I am not dumb, when I am not there it is possible they get up on the counters but that just means I am more diligent about cleaning the counters. Its called a Clorox wipe and they get used frequently in my house. Seriously though, saying "I found out she had a cat and I immediately thought, 'oh God I am eating cat fur'" makes you sound like an idiot and it's rude.  Owning a pet does not mean filth! Do you know how hard it was for me to NOT respond to this.  Just smile and nod, smile and nod, don't be a bitch, whooosa, 1...2...3. 

I think my fav moment happened a few moments ago when someone was bitching about this exact thing for the fourth time in just a few days.  I was done.  The first I just ignored and shrugged and let it go.  This person though really pushed a button....so I waited till they were ooing and ahhhing about my baked goods, then I said "FYI, I should mention I have a cat...actually 2 but don't worry I only let them lick the spoon once while I was cooking".  This got me a horrified look and a lecture about allergies and how "that's not funny, I could die." Yea yea yea, well you haven't yet and I've been baking gifts for at least 8 years.  Therefore, I clearly keep a clean household, you haven't eaten a cat fur yet, so stop stereotyping cat owners!

My point is its effing Christmas, stop being a jerk! You know (everyone knows!) I am an avid animal lover so quit bad mouthing people who have pets because I am sitting right here @$$hole and no matter what you say I am taking it as being directed at me.  Ungrateful *grumble grumble grumble*, maybe I just wont bake gifts for you next year.  Only for people who seem to appreciate it :P

**UPDATE** I am very aware of how bad cat allergies can be, that is why I am so cautious.  I am not insensitive to allergies, much the opposite but I am fed up with people being jerks. 

I am surrounded by negativity...this cannot be good for my health

I just cannot get away from it lately.  I am a positive person most days.  I mean we all have down in the dumps days but I try to stay positive. 

I've always heard that if you surround yourself with positivity or negativity it will bleed into your life.  I never really used to hold any truth to that but now I am not so sure.  I find that the more upbeat and happy I try to be the more people try to bring me down.  Not everyone in my life, like my close friends for example are extremely positive and supportive.  This also goes for some of my family...notice I said SOME. 

Then there are those persons that just never say anything positive.  Examples:

Me:  Hey, how's your day? *big smile*. 
Others: Well I barely got any sleep last night because I had "tummy" problems.  So I am exhausted.  I spent the night in the bathroom.  I think it was the *insert not so healthy food*.  *insert lots of talk about gas*. 
Me: Maybe you shouldn't eat....*death glare from other person* never mind. 

Me:  Good morning!
Others: I wish my dog was still alive.  He really kept me company. 
Me: So not a good morning

Me: Hey :)
Others: Did you hear so and so died?  All my friends are dying.  I could die.  *sigh*  Oh and _____ has terminal _______. 
Me: I, uh, wow...sorry. 

Me:  Soooo how ya been??? 
Others: Did you know my house is falling apart?  He left me in this house, its all his fault.
Me: *face palm*

Me: Hi, hey hey!
Others: This country is going down the shitter.  This president is ______.  The youth of today just don't understand how to survive.   By the time you have kids we will be in another depression, I hope I am dead.
Me:  Ummmm, sooooo....

I know its not that bad but this is ALL the time.  Mind you the dog passed 2 years ago and the "he" left 28 years ago... I try to be supportive but I just can't deal sometimes.  Me *happy, yay* them *doom, gloom*  Honestly it makes me not want say anything anymore. 

I feel like I am in that scene from Robin Hood: Men in Tights:

Robin Hood: Blinkin, listen to me. They've taken the castle!
Blinkin: I thought it felt a bit drafty. Cor, this never would have happened if your father was alive.
Robin Hood: He's dead?
Blinkin: Yes...
Robin Hood: And my mother?
Blinkin: She died of pneumonia while...
[Remembers]
Blinkin: Oh, you were away!
Robin Hood: My brothers?
Blinkin: There were all killed by the plague.
Robin Hood: My dog, Pongo?
Blinkin: Run over by a carriage.
Robin Hood: My goldfish, Goldie?
Blinkin: Eaten by the cat.
Robin Hood: [on the verge of tears] My cat?
Blinkin: Choked on the goldfish.
[pause]
Blinkin: Oh, it's good to be home, ain't it, Master Robin?


I think my favorite is when I talk about babies.  Peeps are all yay, you want kinds.  *immediately goes into story about their experience*.  Which happens to be kind of awful most of the time.  I mean I am trying to get pregnant and people are telling me how hard it is, how everyone has a touch of endometriosis which can cause problems, how many miscarriages they had, how I am "older", how if we've been trying for more than ____ months there is a problem, how we are clearly infertile because it hasn't happened yet, etc, etc, etc.  I am assuming you mean well (I guess) but these are NOT what you should be telling someone who wants to get pregnant!  You should be spouting positive things not the realm of impossibilities.  Leave those diagnoses to DOCTORS! 

But these negative things are starting to affect me.  I find myself being VERY negative about the possibility of  a little one. Like I have somewhat convinced myself that something is seriously wrong with my lady parts so I shouldn't expect to have a wee wittle one.  That is sad.  It is.  I should not feel this way!  But when it is beat into your head ALL THE TIME from well meaning people then you start to believe it.  I get it...making a baby isn't easy but you could at least try to say something that wont send me into a fit of anxious tears as soon as I am alone.  Also the constant barrage of "yo, why aren't you preggo yet???" isn't helping.  I don't know.  It is not for lack of trying!  I don't mind being asked that is fine but when the same people ask over and over and over.  I am like dude, working on it! That is a pet peeve.  If you know someone who is "trying" do not keep asking them if they are...just wait.  They told you they are trying...reminding them EVERY TIME you see them that they still aren't with child can be annoying. 

I guess I am just tired of people trying to dull my sparkle.  Its like the darkness in them sees how bright my light is shining and is determined to drown it into inky blackness.  STAHP! I like being bright and lighthearted but it is becoming harder and harder to be that way.  I've always been told misery loves company, I guess I never realized how true those words were.  *sigh* I only wish those that are so miserable weren't persons I have to be around regularly. 

Mid Life Crisis...REALLY?!?!

How old do you have to be to have one of these? And why do they happen?

So I thought this was something that only happened in movies because I've never known someone who actually had a Crisis...I've known those that have second thoughts but not total breakdown.  

Today I had the most horrible day...not because of what a guy did to me but because of what he did to one of my very close friends.  You see the couple I am referring to has been married for MANY years, they have two beautiful/smart kids and are pretty much a perfect fit. Until recently!!!

She broke down to me.  Over the past few months she has noticed her hub slowly pulling himself away from her.  They haven't been intimate, barely talk, he goes out a lot and comes home with alcohol on his breath.  She said she tried talking to him but he said he's fine.  Wel she got a HUGE cell phone bill.  When she checked it she realized one number that was on there ALOT.  And she knew it right away...its one of their good friends. 

She confronted him about it when he finally strolled in and immediately he said, want me to leave.  No " there's nothing going on"  or "its not what you think".  His first response was, want me to leave.  That right there admits guilt...RIGHT!?!  Well they talked a little but their kids were there.  One thing he managed to get out was " I'm just not happy and I haven't been for about a year now".  My heart dropped when she told me this.  I had a flash back of my failed relationship last year.  Although we were not married and have no kids, we had the same weird confrontation.  The "I'm just not happy."  

She cried herself sick last night.  I didn't know what to say, all I wanted to do was hug her and tell her it would be ok.  He swears he never had an affair but he talked to her for HOURS everyday and texted all day long.  If it wasn't physical, it was still an affair.  It was an emotional affair!!! 

My friend and him talked again after the kids left.  He tried to blame EVERYTHING on her. He said he needs love too.  That everything is so routine.  That when they were intimate he felt like she wasn't there.  Although I'm sure there are things she can do different, I am also sure he's not perfect either!!!  He hurt her!  He crushed his wife, the mother of his children, the woman he supposedly loves.  And all he could say was "don't you ever think about what could have happened?  What if we should have followed a different path?  Haven't you ever thought about being with other people?"  She said NO NEVER.  He still stuck to the nothing happened but it was only a matter of time before the affair went past emotional...  

He finally realized what a douche he's been when she told him what their daughter said.  About a week or so ago she said "Mommy what's wrong with daddy?  He's not him anymore.  Are you all getting a divorce?"  Then she told him how she knows about his going out and drinking when she's not around because her son told her!  I'm pretty sure that made him feel like ass.  I HOPE IT DID!

He called her while I was talking to her to check and see how she was.  Guilt is a nasty thing to come to terms with.  

It made me realize how DUMB some men are.  They get this bug up their ass as they age.  They start to think about what might have been instead of appreciating what they have.  He is willing to throw away a wonderful marriage and beautiful wife because he can't stop thinking about what he missed out on because he had kids and got married kinda young.  He says its so routine... well of COURSE it is, they have two kids and just enough money to make ends meet... how are they supposed to break the routine???  She's tried, I know she has because she tells me, but they are always watching their money soooooo its a vicious vicious cycle.

Whether he wants to admit it or not he cheated on her, in a way, with another woman.  He strayed from his wife and family because he was feeling insecure!  He didn't try to fix it he just pulled himself away.  Which scares the crap out of me.  I want the happily ever after .  I want to fall in love and start a family but I am scared to death because I don't want to go through that.  I went through something similar once and THANK GOD we were not married with kids because I was a nut case after and I still don't know what happened.  I still have no idea why I wasn't good enough for him.  I'm glad things happened because now I can find someone who will treat me right but holy s--t, I don't think I could do it again.

Ok I think I am done freaking out now.  I still want to KICK my friend's husband's ass right now.  I hope to God he realizes what he is giving up.