Who me...?

 

So we were at an "event".  Like a small socially distant event.  But not like something you would dress up for...or look even close to your best.  To be honest I probably looked a little like death.  No makeup and very little sleep.  

As per our usual we were taking photos.  On the way out we saw there was a backdrop to take pics in front of.  One of my girls and I were about to selfie when I heard someone say "please let me".  When I looked up there was this stupidly attractive guy.  He kinda looked like a cross between Jake Gyllenhaal and Chris Hemsworth.  Not tall but extremely cute with crystal blue eyes and a full beard.  Um okay....sure.

So I gave him my phone to snap a couple pics.  This turned into a 10 min, multiple picture photo shoot.  

"okay now you do this"

"Now look that way"

"No masks, lets see those pretty smiles"

We were cracking up.  He was CLEARLY having a good time making us giggle. Then my husband walked up.  He froze for a split second and was like

"we need you in there, sir, get in the middle"

So many more pics but not quite as silly.  He smiled almost shyly and handed me back my phone. 

It was one of those rainy days so we bolted to our vehicle to go home.  When we got to the car my girl was like "I don't know which one of us he was flirting with but he was obviously flirting with us...right?!"

Yes ma'am 100%.  Hubs was like, I can't leave y'all alone for 5 min. 

When I looked at the pics they were great!  We looked so naturally happy because he was making us laugh.  There were close ups of both of us individually and together.  Some with our heads back cracking up or bent over belly laughing. 

So I am not sure if he was hitting on one of us or just a really nice, funny guy but he made our day.  Plus did I mention he was really really cute so I guess if he was flirting, we were flattered.

I fail at flirting

So, I played third wheel the other night with my bestie and her beau.  I wasn't driving so I partook in some libations.  Maybe more than some.  Okay maybe more than my little body should.  Alright, I got little pieyied (sp?). 

I had three 20 oz Oktoberfest beers...THREE!  That is 60 ounces of beer... I am not that big.  Anyways, when getting my last beer the following occurred between me and the guy serving me.

Guy: You should come back
Me: I am next weekend
Guy: No sooner
Me: 

Guy: *laughing* Like, before we close 

Me: 

Guy: How about 20 min, here?

Me:

No, Married

Guy: 

What's your name?

Me: 

Married

Guy: Well this is on the house, "Married". Be here in 20 min and we'll pretend you're not.

Me: 

Guy: *yelling* 20 minutes baby girl!

OMG Really?!?!!?

And no I did NOT return. 

It seriously took me way too long to realize he was hitting on me!  I mean I'm, uh, flattered but take the 'No' for an answer dude.  My rings were plain as day...just...thanks but stop.

"Your washer might kill you"...Oh and "hey gurl, hey"

Yea I was one of those unfortunates that got that notification.  The washer...not the...nevermind.  I mean it didn't literally say that BUT if you denied the "mandatory" recall you were then liable if the washer lid flew off and killed someone...

Anyways, I did the "right" thing and scheduled a tech even though my washer wasn't doing the psycho crazy vibration thing because reasons.  BIGGEST MISTAKE EVER!  The tech came out and did the recall repair and get this...GET F**KING THIS!  After the stupid "fix" my washer started showing the symptoms of the recall...WTF over?!?!

Yea that's right AFTER they "fixed" it, it started error-ing out, shaking violently, basically just being an @$$hole. So I called the help line.   I wanted to murder someone after that call.  They essentially said "oh well".

So, I sure did BLAST them on Twitter.  I went into full attack mode.  And guess what...guess f**king WHAT?!? I suddenly got all the help in the world.

Flash forward, they wanted to send ANOTHER tech out but we were moving and they said just call us when  you are all settled.  So I called as instructed.  I AGAIN felt stabby.  I was told that I broke it during the move.  I went ape$hit, got a manager, and the manager said...can  you "prove" you reported it before you moved it because there is no record of you EVER calling in before today.  Can I just thank every deity out there for f**king Twitter?!?!  So I said yes I can.  I started rattling off dates and conversations.  That b**ch had NO RESPONSE.  So they said I would get a call from customer whatever person.  FOUR days later nada.  So I went back to Twitter.  I didn't publicly blast them this time but I messaged them.

Again, twitter to the rescue.  Within 24 hours the social media manager deemed my washer a lost cause and offered me a refund.  Yes please!

Moving on, we bought another washer and it was finally delivered today *yay*.

The delivery guy was awesome.  He was super nice and professional.  And I am 100% oblivious!  At the end of the interaction:

Him: so this number here, is this yours?
Me: Yep
Him: If they contact this number you'll give us a *shy smile*...on a scale 1-5...?
Me: Five for sure!
Him great!
Me: *friendly smile*
Him: So can you receive texts at that number?
Me: *thinking its a text survey* yep!
Him: Great!  *big dopey smile* So what's this other number?
Me: Oh that's my husband
Him: Oh *smile falls* so I shouldn't text you later to ask you to dinner?
Me: *crap* Oh...um no...no that wouldn't be good
Him: Oh Ok, right...do I still get a five...?
Me: Yes, of course

JFC!  He was hitting on me and I had NO IDEA.  I mean I didn't have my rings on and I was distracted (working) but is my game that off that I am that oblivious?!?!?

Also, 3 hours later I was eating alone at a quick service place.  I smiled at at police officer...I am always smiling people!  This is not anything new!!!  He walked over to me and sat down *$hit*.  He then cockily smiles at me and says (STG) 

Officer: Do you eat here often
Me: *what?!?!?*  Ummmmm no....
Officer: *leans forward* You should
Me: *puts left hand on table* I ...no....
Officer: *sees my rings* Oh...sorry.  Just thought you should know, you are very pretty *winks* have a great night.

OMG, y'all I looked like @$$ today.  I had on yoga pants and a t-shirt...no makeup...hair in pigtails...not even REMOTELY trying!!!  All I can think is my new perfume oil has some jacked up pheromones in it that attracts EVERYONE!!!!

Calm down there, Hannibal

Went get lunch...almost became lunch....

Me: *standing in line being oblivious*
Guy: You smell delectable
Me: *trying to ignore the conversation behind me*
Guy: *tap tap* Seriously what is that scent, I could devour you
Me: *wtf* *turn around* Excuse me?
Guy: Sorry but whatever your wearing smells so incredibly tasty
Me: *blushing* Right...um its an oil perfume I just got as a sample...

Guy: *looking dazed* What scent is it?!

Me: Uhhhh I...don't....know...I remember something about pomegranates and marshmallows...
Guy: Since I can't eat you, guess I'm getting pomegranates and marshmallows for dinner

Me: *jaw drop* what?!

Guy: No...wait...no...sorry....
Me: Its...wow...ok....*hysterical laughter*
Guy: *beet red* Jesus...seriously...sorry!!! 

I ordered my food and went and hid in the corner until it was ready....

What just happened?!?!?  What is in my new perfume...?!?!?  Who says that?!?

I really don't think he was hitting on me intentionally.  I don't even think he realized what he was saying...maybe...was I being punk'd?!?!!?

SIDE NOTE - this was paraphrased but you get the gist and he truthfully was CREEPY about it!

Friendliness or friendly "flirting" and flirting with intent are two very different things!!!!

I am apparently a "flirt".  It drove jealous possessive exes INSANE back in the day.  But I refused to change which I think drove them more insane.  It is my personality though.  I wasn't flirting with intent...it was just me being friendly which I was told equaled "flirting".  It is hard to explain but people who have a naturally "flirty" personality understand and thankfully my hubs and I are on the same page. 

The exes would always tell me I "flirted" with people right in front of them.  That it was disrespectful and showed that I clearly had no boundaries.  This Pissed.Me.Off.  I never led anyone on.  I never allowed anyone to think my friendliness was anything more that just that...FRIEND.  I acted the same way with girls and boys.  I think this confused the Neanderthals I dated.  If me being nice was misconstrued as "I want to f**k you right here", then that person is a moron.

They used to try to make me see how "hurtful" I was being by flirting with other girls in front of me (I know, I know I picked real winners here).  The difference was THEY were leading these girls on.  They didn't make it clear that their intention was being friendly.  They flirted with intent and bought drinks and danced and almost got their @$$es kicked because these girls would find out who I was and would want to defend the poor girl whose boyfriend was blatantly flirting with them. Their body language was DIFFERENT!  I just stood on the side and rolled my eyes.  Clearly these people were extremely insecure.

Friendly "flirting" is just that, friendly...THAT IS IT!  I am meeting a new person.  I am including their girlfriend/boyfriend if they have one.  I am including their friends if they aren't alone.  I am not accepting drinks from them.  I am not grinding on them.  I am not leaning in or touching them.  I am not exchanging numbers with them.  I am JUST F**KING TALKING!  The body language doesn't say f**k me, just hi. 

Flirting with intent is different.  You are trying to "seal the deal".  If you are at a bar/club, you are accepting drinks and/or dancing.  You are exchanging numbers with promises of meeting up in the future.  The body language is different.  Your smile is different.  You are leaning in.  You are touching in some way shape or form.  You are letting them know you are interested!

THAT IS FLIRTING!!!!

Some how in the last 10 years the ability to read body language has completely disappeared or people are just incredibly cocky now.  For some reason every time I smile at someone they suddenly think I am DTF and I so am NOT.  And I am not talking about complete strangers.  I am talking about business associates, vendors, customers, etc.   Men and women alike!  There was a rumor about me at one of my customers locations that I shamelessly flirted with the CFO to get in HER pants.  Um negative ghostrider.  Sooooo what, I can't smile at people or make small talk without "leading someone on".   What the actual f**k is wrong with everyone?!?!? 

Newflash a conversation and a smile does not equal I want to f**k you...it means I am a nice f**king human being...That.Is.All!  Jesus, people, read body language.  Its not hard.  If you smile at me, I just think you are nice.  And if you think everyone who looks in your direction wants your d**k/p***y then YOU have some serious ISSUES!

Rant over, NOLA Gurl out!