99% of the time, flashers aren't local. The locals are usually judging the flashers. Its a f**king plastic bead, put your tits away!

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I am not talking about Bourbon St.  Truthfully, I don't care what happens on Bourbon.  There aren't CHILDREN on Bourbon.  Well, there shouldn't be children on Bourbon.  It really isn't a place for youngins....at least at night and ESPECIALLY during Mardi Gras Season.  

I was at a f**king parade.  Yes, it was a parade just outside of the Quarter but its still a family parade.  Its a nerd parade.  Some of the costumes are sexy but nothing raunchy or questionable or something that you would be like "OMG little Johnny shouldn't see that!".  I mean other than the obvious Aliens trying to hide among the masses, its a fairly normal parade. 

I am not a fuddy duddy.  When I go to parades, I don't expect a royal treatment.  I know its going to be crowded.  I know I'm going to get shoved and stepped on.  I know there will be drunk idiots.  But there is a point when my calm  understanding of parade people stops being accepting and starts moving me more towards throwing elbows.

So we got there early and had a spot right on the barricade. Which for me is AWESOME because I am a little on the short side so me being front and center is wonderful.  I'd had some beers myself so I was making friends with EVERYONE...such a social butterfly at times *hehehe*.  I met people from San Diego, Houston, India, San Jose and Miami.  There were a few kids in the vicinity and I went into my usual NOLA tour guide mode.  Meaning I love that people visit my city so I want to make them feel welcome.  It was great.  We were enjoying this crazy goofy parade and chit chatting and just having a grand old time...until about 1/2 way through the parade.  That is the point where chaos entered in the form of a VERY drunk girl and two of her friends.  I don't mind drunk.  I really don't.  But stupid drunk that ends up with me injured...that my friends I CANNOT STAND!

As I've mentioned I am little and I tend to get lost in the crowd, which is why my husband usually tries to stand behind me to kind of keep me safe (daaaaaw).  Well Mrs. Drunky McDrunkerson decided that the best way for her to see the parade was on top of me.  Like literally ON TOP OF ME.  I was smooshed against the f**king barricade.  She was leaning over me.  Like all her weight on little ol' me.  I could feel her f**king nipples through her bra and two shirts and my two shirts.  Get off b**ch!!!!!  I would lean back a bit and she would move.  Then almost jump over my head to get to the parade peeps.  One of her jump forward moments ended with her losing her balance, slipping of the curb and latching on to me for stability.  She was at least twice my size.  I went forward into the barricade.  My skinny little chicken leg went between the bars and my forearms slammed into the top of it.  It f**king HURT!

My husband did what any husband would do, grabbed her and threw her off of me.  No fight ensued and she did apologize.  Yea yea yea whatever, stupid c**t...

Somehow she wormed her way next to me...between me and this adorable FAMILY from out of town.  Crazy drunk girl took the girls out.  She wasn't unattractive but really?!!?!?  So there they are eye level with me and just above a little girls head.  It was their daughters b-day.  Happy b-day little bit, have some tits in your face.  Are you for real?!?!!?  There are CHILDREN right next to you, put those away!!! 

But alas, she did not....she did cover them by pulling her bra cups back up...so no more nips.  And look I am not ashamed of the tatas but using them like that just cheapens them.  Sorry, not sorry.  

Then...oh yes, it gets better.  Then she looks at me and says "why aren't yours out?!!?" *shocked* "Ummmm, no I don't think I'll be doing that".  She says, "why not, you get more beads that way!!!" *WTF*  "Yea, no one wants to see my tiny tatas".  I was trying to be tactful but still let her know PUT YOUR BOOBS AWAY!  Instead her friend, who I will admit was quite attractive, turned to me and said "I wouldn't mind seeing them".  Oh....Oh my *blushing*...did I just get hit on by a very attractive girl?!?! *hehehehe* 

Still no, these puppies are staying under wraps.  After that it got a little better.  Her two friends were keeping her tamed but the boobies still stayed on display.  What kills me is the parade peeps weren't like "YEA, whoohooo boobs!!!" Instead they were like "Oh...what....ummmm..." *looking anywhere but at the boobs* and then handed me whatever trinkets they were giving away.  Because there were also KIDS IN THE PARADE!!!!

Seeeeeeeeeee you don't have to show your boobs to get Mardi Gras stuff!!!!  Just smile and wave.  That's all I did and I had all kinds of crap to bring home.  I like this parade because almost everything is homemade.  Its fun little things you get. 

I woke up Sunday with the mother of all bruises on my thigh.  There is a hard lump and its a lovely shade of red purple blue green.  My forearms are beat up too and I have a bruise on my ribs....probably from falling into the barricade. 

Lesson:  Drinking at parades is fine.  But try not to injure other people in your quest for cheap crap you can buy at the Wal-Mart. Oh and most people from NOLA don't show their boobs for beads!  We frown upon that.  Keep that $hit for Bourbon and leave it off of the parade routes.  

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