The butterfly? Uh-uh, that's old. Let me see the Mach 4 Tootsee Roll!

The other day I was having a bad day.  Work was being cumbersome.  Hubs was being germy all over the house.  And my battery in my vehicle died... again!

I'd been plotting my plans for a fun filled weekend just trying to get through this awful Thursday!  I heard little bit itching.  Now she has the WORST seasonal allergies so I got up to stop her from itching her face off.  

I was helping her by itching her cute little muzzle when when she suddenly sneeze/coughed.  

And shot out SOMETHING at my face at mach speed!!!

I dodged just in time for it to miss my face and hit my shoulder and land on my thigh!!!

It was a f**king piece of $hit!!!!

Slimy, still partially frozen... $HIT!!!!

I screamed, she ran, Speedy came to investigate.  

After cleaning the ICK, I had to change because it looked like Mr. Hanky attacked me.  

I kept grumbling "You are a disgusting creature!!!!!!" And she kept crawling to me on her belly with her head down. 

I had signed off and worked out and laid on the floor to stretch my back.

Lil bit laid on top of me pinning me down and tried to lick my face.

I was freaking out and tried to get away but it became a game and she is freakishly strong when she wants to be.  Then she got under my arm and LICKED ME ON THE LIPS!!!!

I went full Lucy.

And hubs didn't even try to help...he was laughing too hard!

They're like Vampires, you can't INVITE them in

When opportunities present themselves, you should seize them, right?

So imagine my surprise when I was gifted a brand new state of the art kitchen appliance!!!  Like purchased from the store would have been $300+.  Only been used a few months bc they moved in with their partner and didn't need two.  Anyways, we seized the opportunity.  

We didn't set it up right away because I was out of town and we were super busy so it was sitting in my office.  

Anyways, about 1 day after we got it hubs saw a critter on the counter.  It looks like a tiny bug who shall not be named but he wasn't sure.  That night he was having trouble sleeping so was up at like 3AM.  I was awakened at 5AM by him calling having a minor panic attack.  He didn't want to wake me but since he'd been awake, he'd killed 8 tiny bugs who shall not be named!!!! EIGHT! 

He woke me when he found one in the spare bedroom.  

I have a fairly severe phobia but mainly of the HUGE ones that fly.  The little ones just gross me out bc they usually mean "infestation" which WHAT THE ACTUAL F**K?!?!  We are borderline obsessive clean.   

He said he was tiptoeing around the house with a flashlight.  Every once in a while you'd hear "AH!" *splat*

By the time the sun was slightly up he'd killed about 15.  FIFTEEN!  He was awake now enough to be like WTF happened?????

We realized the ONLY "new" thing in the house....was the new....APPLIANCE...

He crept over and shined the light inside......................

IT WAS INFESTED WITH SKINNY GERMAN ROACHES!

What happened next was something out of Supernatural.

He carried it into the garage.  Did a Home Defense circle around it.  Then DROWNED it in Raid.  Like I'm sure it was no longer functional. 

He Home Defensed every doorway in the house. Then waited until the sun was up up to carry it to the curb

Meanwhile I am in another state calling an Exterminator.  I explained what happened and he said "I can have a guy there 1st appt."  

Now I'm home and so far I haven't seen any but Hubs has killed a couple more...one being in the effing cup cabinet.  So everything in there got washed.  

What kills me...like just WTAF man.... is that I literally was telling my travel buddies about how good of a deal it was and said "watch the damn thing have roaches in it". And we all had a good giggle. Clearly the universe has a sense of humor.  

Positive side of it...when they treated the house it also kills a bunch of other stuff so, yay.  

It has fur!

That's it. I am so done. Like BEYOND done.  

I had to venture to an office today for meetings.  I do not venture to this place often.  I do not want to venture to this place ever again....

I should have known when I walked in something was wrong.  It smelled stale.  Almost like the air was heavy.

I walked to my desk and started to prep for the day.  When I went to put the laptop down I noticed my wrist rest and mousepad were light green. Hmmm that's weird since they used to be black.  Mind you I'm still caffeinating so it takes my brain a second to process that they are not only green but also appear to have fur.  

OMG its mold!  WTF why is there MOLD only on my wrist thingy and mousepad.  Then I looked closer at my chair.  My chair is a khaki color so the green wasn't immediately noticeable. Upon closer inspection you could see the tiny circles of fur.  

That's when I realized there was also a thin layer on the wood. 

F**k this I am NOT staying in here.  I moved to another empty office.  Once settled I started my day.  

About 2 hours later I was bent over getting something out of my backpack when something on the carpet caught my eye. 

Once my eyes focused I realized it most definitely had legs and...wings (?). OMG its a tiny dead bug who shall not be named!!!!  Then I shifted and saw another, a little further away another. *WTHF WTF* F**K F**K.

I got up and walked around.  That's when I realized there were tiny dead ones ALL OVER THE PLACE!  

The carpet is that weird office carpet that shows basically no stains so they were camouflaged.  Then I saw some in the kitchen and on the stairs and just f**k me!  I know they are dead but COME ON!

I determine I am leaving after my meeting eff this, this is not a safe work environment! The other person there agreed. 

After my meeting I go to use the restroom and good thing I was already on the toilet otherwise I may have pissed myself!  I turned to get some TP and see movement behind me.  

When I look there is a f**king spider the size of my hand just chilling on the wall.  

Now I am not generally scared of spiders but....

I think nature is reclaiming this land.  

Keep your tacos to yourself!

I have so many questions.  

I literally decided NOT to do tacos for dinner because of this article!

What the actual F**K?!!?

This is why aliens don't visit us.

 How can I unsee this?!?!!

Don't read the article it's so much worse.

Actually read it so I am not alone... READ IT

I need to bleach my brain.

Was that a f **king slug?!?!

 So down here in the deep south we are in the pollening season. 

Which means everyone is sneezy, itchy, and gross.  Even if you don't have "allergies" the pollen wages war.  Normally its doesn't get me too bad but if I am going to be in nature for a long period of time I take an allergy pill as a precaution.  

The other day in the garden I was viciously attacked by nature.  I was fighting with some giant weed from hell when suddenly in came loose, threw me on my butt, and covered my in a layer of yellow.  I had plant spunk all over my face, hair, chest, and arms.  

I "dusted" myself off and finished my chore.  After showering I kept feeling a sniffle but nothing major. That night we went out to dinner as a treat.  While waiting for the hubs to finish ironing his shirt, I kept feeling like I needed to blow my nose but nothing really came out.  

So we are sitting at this nice-ish restaurant and I'm like, I need to blow my nose.  So I go to the ladies room.  There were other people in there so I didn't want to blow obnoxiously.  Some...funk came out (whoohoo) but my right sinus still felt weird.  I went back out to continue with dinner.  As we are enjoying our appetizer I again can feel something weird in my face so I go back to the ladies room.  

This time no one was in there so I went full force with the blow.  I felt an immense pressure release from my right sinus and come out my nose.  

But yay, success!

When I pulled the tissue away something slingshotted back into my nose.

I blew again and again when I pulled the tissue away it shot back in. 

I blew a third time and....ya know this is gonna get even more TMI, feel free to stop reading....

So third time, and I "grabbed" before I stopped blowing.  As I slowly pulled the tissue away I felt...

I felt something sliding down my nasal cavity.  

I am staring at myself in the mirror saying 

"Oh my god, oh my god"

"what the f**k is that"

"What is happening, what is happening"

"Oh god!"

Finally whatever it is slides all the way out into the tissue, and bounces.  

It is a opaque white/yellow, 2" long, fairly wide....wad of...SNOT!  It looked like glue or something!

So I am just staring in disgusted curiosity at what I just extracted from my nostril when I hear:

"hey, that kinda looks like the slime my grandkids play with"

I about jump 10' in the air.  There is a 4' tall little old lady next to me.  I have no idea where she came from or how long she's been there but she is also staring at my extraction.  

She patted me on the shoulder, "I bet you feel much better now, don't you suga" and then wandered off laughing into one of the stalls. 

I stood there horrified and embarrassed for two more seconds before I tossed the tissue, washed my hands, and returned to dinner.  

I have had some pretty gross things happen when I am sick but this was by far the strangest...and I'm not even SICK!

It's like getting all natural organic taffy stuck in your teeth

There is nothing worse that your dog coming inside chewing.  What the hell did you get into?!?!?  

Lil bit looked like she was chewing a wad of gum

I didn't want her to swallow it because 1. What is it? and 2. WHAT IS IT!?!!??!

So I did the only thing I could.  I reached in her mouth and pulled it out.  

Oh no it looks like chocolate

Wait...wait....

My brain registered what I was seeing.  I pulled a frozen turd out of my dogs mouth....WITH MY BARE HAND.

In a panic I screamed and flung it across the room. It hit the wall and slide down.

I'm staring at slimy poop on my hand, saying OMG OMG OMG meanwhile lil bit is still chewing!!!

I ran to scald a layer off my hand then retrieved the doggy toothbrush and toothpaste.

I began the task of brushing her teeth. It was going fine until I pulled the brush out...COVERED IN $HIT!

Sterile rinse, repeat.  I thought we were done when she shook her head. And shot the last little piece of slimy Cr@p out of her mouth.  It was like slow motion.  Time froze.  Until...

...it landed on my neck!!!  

I almost threw up.  Hubs was gagging.  I was gagging.  She was happy as a clam.

So I've cleaned myself, the toothbrush, and the wall.  

I am slightly traumatized and all she wants to do is give me kisses. 

Most of the time she doesn't go outside looking for snacks.  But for some God only knows reason she can't help herself in the winter.

The colder, the better.  

That is clearly an Alien!!!

Okay I deal with all types of bugs.  99% of them really don't bother me.  I mean they startle me but I am not "frightened" of them.  Some still give me the heebie jeebies!

Since we haven't been living in our house while it was damaged and now being repaired we have to be mindful of what may move in while we are gone. 

After the holidays we had a lot of leftover Turkey.  I don't like to waste food so I decided after our fill of Sandwiches and salads, it was time for Gumbo.  I needed my gumbo pot.  There is a pot where we are staying but its not my gumbo pot...and if you know anything about making gumbo...you make it in your gumbo pot not just some rando pot haha. 

When I pulled it out I saw something moving INSIDE the pot.  1st thought, bug who shall not be named.  

Then I saw the culprit frantically scrambling around the inside. 

Uuuuuggggghhhhh what even are Silverfish?!?! *blech*  And this one was HUGE!!! Usually they are smallish but this mo fo was over an inch long.  *shudder*

I'm telling you....Aliens!

You can't tell me that doesn't look like a f**king Silverfish?!!?!?

So if you randomly start hearing "DELETE! DELETE!", remember I tried to warn you.

Is the plague over yet?

No, no it isn't!  You know how I know?!!?!  Because as careful as I have been, masks, vaccine, no big crowds.... I got it!!!!!!  And it wasn't because of my carelessness.  Nooooooo.

I, being responsible, got tested before Christmas because I had been exposed at work the week before.  I was negative.  But one of my lovely anti-pandemic (as in it is a scare tactic created by the Government and isn't real) family members came to a gathering KNOWING they had been exposed.  They tested +.  

Hubs started feeling bad first, then two days later me.  I was just going to quarantine and take it easy.  But my experience involved a STABBING headache.  Not just sinus pressure, a literal sporadic Ice Pick stabbing feeling behind my ear.  It got so bad I did a tele-doc appointment.  She wouldn't give me any Rxs without getting tested so I did and SHOCKING, it was +.  I ended up with multiple Rxs because well I was pretty sick at this point.  

Honestly the worst part for me was the Sinus Pressure.  It was SOOOOOO bad, I couldn't sleep.  Plus I had fever for 3 days.  I was fried!  Turns out the stabbing pain was probably something called Occipital Neuralgia.   And I can tell you with 100% certainty I would not wish it on my worst enemy.  I thought my brain was coming out of my ear. 

Thankfully the worst of it only lasted 5 days.  I'm still wonky, tired, and not 100% but it could have been 1000 times worse.  People who keep saying "Covid is just like a bad cold" as an excuse to be careless are PISSING ME OFF.  Because yes, that is a decent description but why the f**k would you want to get a really bad cold...KNOWINGLY?!!?!  

And honestly while I've had bad colds/Flus/sinus infections, this was different.  I am mostly recovered but I am still exhausted.  And I don't regret getting vaccinated.  Because I can't imagine how AWFUL it would have been had I not been vaccinated.  I know people not vaccinated and they got it way worse than me, like long lingering symptoms.  I'm not here to judge you if you don't want the vaccine I am just saying my experience.  I just really want to NEVER experience that again.  

Each day is better so hopefully that continues!

Waterboarding with Hand Sanitizer

Being the good fur momma I am, I make sure to get the babies their annuals.  Since I had some free time, I took Speedy to get poked and probed.  

I promised lots of love and treats after and he was such a good boy.  He wasn't barking at other dogs and he laid very patiently by my feet in the waiting room.  We were finally called into the room and ready for the doc.  

Since COVID they are not doing any of the work in the exam room, so he was promptly taken to the back.  

Let me clarify that this is far from him 1st vet visit and he has NEVER had issues in the past. 

About 5 min later the Vet came in looking concerned.  She said "when the tech touched his foot to trim his nails, he started flinging his body all over".  

Dr: Was he nervous in the waiting room?

Me: No...he was laying by my feet...

Dr: Did he get anxious when you came into the room...?

Me: No he was licking the Tech and being a big goober.

Dr: Hmmmm well he's...he's not being aggressive but he's kind of freaking out and I really am concerned he's going to hurt himself or head butt one of us....

Me: Oh no, I don't want him or y'all injured!  Maybe I can try calming him down.

Dr: Sorry....I can't bc of the protocols. 

Me: *blank stare* Ok...I understand...so now what...wait did you say he freaked when she touched his foot...?

Dr: Yes......?

Me: OMG...like 7 months ago he sprained his foot and we brought him in to make sure it wasn't broken....I guess he remembers.  

Dr: o_O Okay... well I guess the next step is he needs to be sedated...but not now.  He's too hyped up.  

So she left to get the pills and I get to bring him back....Yay *plfeet*

But that's not where this story ends.  

The tech brings him back in looking like she went through a tornado. *$hit*.  She hands the leash over and immediately I am slapped in the face with the most VILE smell you can imagine.  I actually gagged. 

Me: OMG you popped your butt!

Tech: Yea....its all over me

Me: OMG OMG I am so sorry!!!  

Tech:  It shot out like a cannon.  

Then she shrugged and left. *facepalm*

So there I am...in a TINY exam room...with a giant lap dog who just expressed his anal glands wagging his tail.  

I did my best to clean him off but my supplies were limited and I was gagging with watering eyes, like full gagging and normally I have a pretty strong stomach. 

The smell.  God the smell.  It's burned into my nostrils. It wasn't the normal fishy metallic smell.  Its was PUTRID.  Like something f**king died times a million.  But I couldn't leave because I needed the pills from the Doc.  She finally came back and was like "Whoa, buddy you are really traumatized". She's trying not to gag.  I have my tee over my face and he's just happy as a clam, trying to give the vet kisses (yo WTF Dog?!?!).

As I was paying, the smell was wafting into the reception area like some invisible toxic fog (F**k me).  Other pet owners are coughing but trying not to visibly react. I swear I saw eyes watering (Jesus Magee dog what came out of you?!?!).  The tech checking me out was like "oh he expressed them didn't he." Yes...Sorry!!!! She's like "no worries...I'm sorry...you have to ride home with him" (Double F**k me!!!).

So we get into my tiny car to head home.  I have the windows down.  The air on full blast but its so strong.  Like I am going to vomit any second strong.  So I improvised.  I found my handy dandy mask and I sprayed it with fruity hand sanitizer which seemed to help-ish.  

So there I am looking like a f**king psycho driving alone in my car with a mask on and the windows down. 

Oh and every few minutes I did my best impersonation of the War Boys spraying my mask with sanitizer to burn the smell from my nostrils.  

I got home, threw him in the yard, pulled the sheets out of my car & febreezed it, left the windows down, bathed his hind quarters thoroughly, stripped down nekkid in the garage, and took the hottest shower I could stand.  

Its DAYS later and I swear I can still smell it *gag*. 

I am so not amused

While I appreciate that it is being noticed my hard work is paying off...I still don't like the lecherous...almost threatening "cat call". 

After leaving one of my weekly workout groups I had to stop at the grocery for din din.  

I don't wear anything scandalous but its a dance class, my clothes are fitted. 

Mind you I was fairly gross as its a high intensity class and I was starving so I was focused on get in and out ASAP. 

As I was walking to the door I heard someone yell something.  100% thinking not for me I ignored it.  Then I heard it louder so I turned my head.  This man, who looked like he could have been my father, said something and grabbed his crotch.  

OMG ew!  I couldn't make out what he said (Mask) but his eyes......Ooooogy.  AND HE GRABBED HIS CROTCH!!!!

I had a mask on but I know he heard me say "gross!". So I started walking again and he yelled, something else...it sounded almost angry... I half turned and he said, with his mask off,  "if you don't want people to appreciate your tight @$$ you shouldn't wear tight pants!"

I'm sorry, what f**king year is it?!?!  Who says that?!?! 1.) Just NO! and 2.) I'm small-ish, I look like I'm like 12 when I'm in workout clothes and a baseball hat and it was dark... you sir are a f**king predator.

I just about sprinted to the door and he said something else angrily and I'm pretty sure part of it involved the work C**T, but I didn't turn back. 

After I shopped, I asked one of the employees to walk me to my car because I know he saw what vehicle I got out of and I was honestly concerned.  Thankfully the store took me seriously and asked me what he looked like.  Maybe they'll check the cameras, maybe not but at least I was safely escorted to my car, just in case. 

But now I almost don't want to go there alone again.  This is a nice store in a nice area with mostly nice people.  And this cum stain has tarnished it for me because what if he is a threat....what if he would have or would act on his disgusting comments...what if someone else isn't as quick to get help.  I don't know.  This is the BS females deal with and I f**king hate it. 

You want to look and maybe even wink...whatever but the threatening aggressive comments....I hate people. 

I do not miss people

I know this pandemic has been difficult.  Kids were ripped away from their friends and some people left their offices one day not realizing they wouldn't return for months. And obviously the worst...people died or have debilitating issues because of COVID. 

It's been...weird for us all.  People talk about missing that human contact.  Now I am not anti social.  Actually I am very social so not being out and about to me has been downright awful but I can say with 100% certainty I am fine with not being in an office environment. 

I had to venture in the other day for reasons and it made me realize I DO NOT MISS IT! 

You know why?  Because people are f**king gross! 

First of all I was hoping to be the only one there but I had company.  This person is someone I consider a friend and care about immensely. 

This particular day they made coffee for both of us (I brought my own but felt obligated to have 1 cup since they made it). 

This was by far the WORST cup of coffee I have had in quite some time.  I attributed it to it being a different brand...the water...it being weak...I dunno  But something didn't sit right.  It was REALLY bad and I ended up dumping it.  

I left for a meeting but ended up coming back before heading home.  I was the only one there ...hmmmm......so I went about closing up shop, so to say.  That's when I realized the kitchen hadn't been cleaned.  Coffee was still in the pot, grinds were in the basket and sugar spilled on the counter.  

I wasn't planning on coming back and my coworker doesn't come in everyday....soooooo that would have sat there for days....DaYs!!!!

Then it hit me.  Like a f**king freight train hit me.  

That's why the coffee tasted so bad!!!! Because the pot is never cleaned.  It sits there with cold stale coffee that probably molds. And the grinds sit & ferment...and probably mold in the basket for DAYS!!!  Lord knows the last time the water was purged from the tank.  

I am pretty sure I drank mold brewed coffee with a hit of sugar. 

I needed to cleanse my palette when I got home.