Watered down Harley Quinn

This is why I never try anything new. Okay that isn't true.  This is why I shouldn't try anything new.  The funny thing is...it wasn't new.

So for the long holiday weekend I decided to use some hair chalk and create this lovely mermaid look.  I've used this particular hair chalk a few times before so

My hair was purple, pink, orange, & teal.  It looked AWESOME!!!!  Since I knew it would wash out I wasn't too concerned. 

I began to panic after I swam all day Sunday and still had pigment.

I washed when I got home and saw a TON of pigment in the water.  When I got out my hair was pastels of the same colors and kinda blended.

Don't get me wrong, it looked super cool but...

Monday I was in the Sun all day and sweaty.  I washed my hair again that night.... more pigment in the water...so I washed it twice... I never do that!

When I got out I noticed the Teal and Orange were gone but the Pink and Purple were now faded but very much noticeable.  That is when I realized it was just in the front and tips.  Left side almost a blue and right side pink. 

All I needed was smeared lipstick and intense eye makeup. 

HOW AM I GOING TO HIDE THIS?!?!!?  

Tuesday no biggie but Wednesday BIG meeting.  I washed my hair 5 times Tuesday night and did a Deep Condition (suggestions from others).  Still fairly obvious shades of Pink/Purple/Blue.  I couldn't fix it with drugstore dye. I was told using the wrong shade of blonde could possibly turn the Pink ORANGE and the purple....GREEN. 

Which is what would happen because lets face it....this is ME!  So I got super creative with my hair style today and somehow managed to hide 95% of the color.  The rest looked almost natural with some hair shadow and blonde spray temp coverage....

So as of right now, I have this watered down Harley thing going on with my hair.  Honestly it looks super cute but yea....

This is why I make my husband do it!

I am not a "the man does this around the house" or a "woman's job is ___" kinda girl.  Do what you feel comfortable doing and ask help with the rest.  Right?  Right!

Anywhos, I decided to do something I rarely do these days.  I decided to bring the trash bins to the curb.  I will take the trash out to the bin but I don't usually bring the bin out because it tends to be quite hefty.  Well since I was home alone and I didn't want to forget...I decided to be helpful and do this minor task.

I walked up to the bin and pulled...it doesn't budge.
OW! WTF is in here?!?!
So I grab and *heeeeaaaaaave*...no
Hmmmm....

Now a logical person would have OPENED the bin to see What the f**k was going on.  I am not that person.

I did a two handed grab and leaned back with all my weight...it barely budges.  *grrrr*

*spit, spit, rub* (jk that's gross).  I grabbed and pulled with all my might & weight.

It starts to tilt...yes...YES!  Then the weight of it pulls it all the way down and out of my grasp...no...no...NO!

It hits the ground, the lid flies off and PUTRID...I mean absolutely RANCID water comes sloshing out...ALL OVER ME.

*ahhhhhhhh*  I'm not talking about a little water...we are talking GALLONS.  It must have been half full of water.  But also full of...trash.  It contained cat litter, kitchen trash, bathroom trash, dog poop bags, and God knows what else.

It smelled like something died, baked in the sun, was eaten, vomited up, eaten again...and then that creature died too.  Just pure nasty and I was COVERED IN IT!

I did something I would usually not do. I....I...*gulp* I....*shudder*....I scooped up the limp wads of trash goop that washed out with my bare hands that were already covered in stinky brown water.  Picked up the bin.  Walked it to the curb.  Calmly walked back to my door...hid behind my car...and stripped off my clothes, while dancing around  saying "gross gross gross gross." 

I am not sure anyone saw me...but if they did, they got a great view of me in my bra & thong as I bolted into my laundry room.

I tossed everything in the wash, stripped off my undies, and took the HOTTEST shower I could stand.

Either the smell is still on me or its just burned into my nostrils bc I can still smell it.....

I don't know what divinity I pissed off but I am sorry...please stop torturing me!!!

That's it, where is the "unlucky" rabbits foot...it needs to be salted and burned!

For real though, can we get a "reset the day button".  A do-over, like in video games.  $hit is going down fast lets try again. 

1.  My cable company *cough* Comcast *cough, cough* sucks real big donkey d**k.  I've tried and tried and tried and f**king tried to make it work with them and it just isn't (stupid contract keeping me in a bad relationship*grumble grumble*).  They will be fine for like 2 months and then I have to call and freak out because my service is $hit or because they billed me wrong or pick something, its probably happened!  Because of said $hitty service we bought our own cable modem for the interwebs and shockingly enough $hit suddenly works...you can't tell me they don't f**k with your stuff when they have access to it...I sound crazy but I don't think I am.  Anyways, I returned their CRAP modem and got a receipt.  This was in JULY!  It was removed for August, then in September it popped back up on my bill...hold up Mother F**ker what you trying to pull here?!?!?!?  I try to call and I can't get through.  The call immediately drops WTF.  I had FIVE OTHER PEOPLE try from their cell phones (all ATT) and they can't get through...I had someone from a Verizon phone call and it worked...hmmmmm. Also, landlines work....hmmmmm. Whatever, I call, I lose my $hit its credited back and I am told the phone issue is an ATT issue.  Okaaaaaaay.  They say its a Comcast issue (I'll get to that in the next).  I loud cap Comcast on Twitter and finally someone believes me because HIS phone which isn't in LA can't dial the 800# either...I think I heard angels sing. 

 

Anyways....October bill and November bills are fine and suddenly I get a letter "Ooooops we've been billing you wrong, you will see a $10 charge for your Wireless Gateway on the next bill".  What the actual f**k?!?!?!  I DON'T HAVE THAT ANYMORE!  So I try to call and the stupid f**king 800# wont work.  I don't have a landline so I loud cap them AGAIN on Twitter.  He was helpful but didn't believe me.  I sent a picture of the receipt and the letter.  He said "July?!?!?!" Yes f**king July!  Stop trying to bill me for stuff I don't have!!!!  It gets "fixed" after they call me.  And I am told again the phone thing is an ATT issue, call them.  Mother F**ker!!!!

2.  After the 1st insanity with Comcast in September, ATT does some research.  They can't see anywhere its blocked.  They reset my something to my phone.  They checked that I don't have 800#'s blocked (clearly, I don't because I can f**king call them).  They are very nice and concerned and trying to be helpful.  I get to a top tech dude and he is baffled.  They put in a service ticket.  They call me four days later and say its a Comcast issue and they will work with them to fix it.  K, thanks, bye.  After the most recent fiasco I call them AGAIN. I get another tech dude.  He basically does the same $hit and blames Comcast.  I finally had had enough and said "I don't care whose problem it is tell me HOW to fix it!" I told him it started after Baton Rouge and the surrounding areas flooded.  I know for a fact that a MAJOR ATT hub went under and we ALL had service issues for the next week.  So maybe check that and quit putting me off.  I think I stunned him with my "infinite" f**king intelligence.  Look dude I'm not a moron, I did my own investigation before I called.  He opened another ticket so they can see exactly what is happening and let me know.  Great....

3.  My 4 y/o f**king car decided that it wants to leak oil.  Why?!!?!? So I call two different dealerships that service my type of vehicle and ask questions.  Mind you I've already looked up recalls and known issues and *gasp* this is a known f**king issue with the y/m/m of my car *face palm*.  I leave detailed messages with the service admin for a tech or manager to call me but I leave out my knowledge of the issue, just say whats happening. 

• Dealership 1 calls me back.  Oh that sounds like a cracked oil pan (mind you I haven't hit anything and it just started when the temp dropped below 35). More than likely that is it and it will cost roughly $625 because of labor and parts.  So I said, I've been told its a faulty drain plug.  So they say well probably not but if its that, it is $354 because of labor & parts.  I said the part is like $50...you can't tell me it will take you 2.5 hours to replace a plug....? They said yes...okay I'll call y'all when I am ready.

• I get an email from Dealership 2.  "We have received your inquiry on the (y/m/m of my current car).  That is an excellent choice!   A sales team member will make every effort to contact you within one hour or less to answer any questions you made in your initial contact and see how we can help you. We realize you have a choice when shopping for a vehicle and we thank you for giving us a chance to earn your business."  
  WHAT THE F**CK?!?! My response may have been a tad @$$hole-ish.  "Yea, I know a (y/m/m of my current car) is great...I own one.  I bought it from y'all....I wanted a quote about a repair that I've been informed is a flaw in many (y/m/m of my current car)'s...it leaks oil." less than a minute later I get a call from a service tech.  I explain the issue.  He says (without me saying anything about the "known" issue)  "Oh, they probably left the old gasket on the drain plug.  Each new oil filter has a new gasket.  If they don't remove the old one the drain plug doesn't fit as snugly so it leaks." I ask about cost...he said "do you need an oil change? That's all it will cost."

So based off this info...one dealership wants to charge me $600+ dollars to fix something that isn't wrong when the other dealership will fix it for $69. 'Scuse me while I scream into a pillow.  

4.  I went purchase something at a store on my way home.  There were 4 people in front of me at checkout.  I got to the counter.  Got my stuff rung up and the f**king system crashes.  Not just reboots...CRASHES. The poor clerk was so distraught.  He tried everything.  I couldn't leave...I needed to make that purchase.  45 min later I am finally on my way home.  Wine and soft PJ's are calling my name.

5.  I got home and one of the pups had had explosive poopies all over the place.  It smelled like something died in my house.  I legit started crying...and laughing...but mostly crying.  F**k a glass of wine & PJs, someone give me a bottle of Scotch and a punching bag!  

Yay for it being my last day of work for the week.  I don't think I can handle much more stupidity...

And that's how you realize you should have just stayed in bed

To say it has been a rough week is an absolute under statement.  Work is work is work.  Its been a rough week but whatever.  Add in crazy psycho weather with a dash of tornadoes and it gets worse.  Compound that with stupid f**king animal that decides the best way to remove an annoying growth is to chew it off and you start wondering what divinity you pissed off.

So work sucks.  Weather sucks.  House looks like a murder scene and now dog needs surgery...SUCKS!  But I was coping.  Then I got to work today and went to use the facilities.  I almost started crying...almost.  Instead I started laughing hysterically and couldn't stop.  We are talking full blown gut aching laughter complete with silent laugh and clapping.  God help me I have lost it.

Why, is probably the question you are asking. Why would I lose it laughing in the ladies room of all places.  And no it isn't anything gross.  You see we recently moved, right?  Well in the move we went from the Taj Mahal to Taj Mah-what the f**k.  Meaning the place we moved into was a bit below our normal standards.  Everything is "cheap".  I am not being snobby, you can do cheap and still have nice.  This is cheap...like falling apart cheap or non-functional cheap.

Side Note - There were SPIDERS in my office!  I do not fear spiders but I do not like them hanging out above me watching me work!!!  I've heard of an angel on your shoulder but a spider...no thank you!  And...AND there were mouse traps everywhere!!!  What kind of dirty @$$ people worked here?!?!?!?

One of the cheap items is a toilet paper holder in the ladies room. This is no ordinary holder.  My holders at home are nothing fancy...BUT THEY WORK.  This was one of those ones that only has the two arms that "grip" the TP, without the spring loaded tube in the middle.  The problem is this one is jacked up and doesn't grip correctly.  Meaning when you tried to get TP it either gave you one square at a time or wouldn't move or would come lose causing you to spastically catch it while trying to maintain your dignity on the porcelain throne.

Well today this POS TP holder sent me to the edge of sanity.  I reached for the TP and pulled.  The TP popped off the holder and rolled 4 feet away from me.  So there I was...jeans around the ankles with one square of TP as I watched the roll, keep on rolling out of my reach. Before waddle walking with my jeans around my ankles, I just busted out laughing.

I could have cried in frustration but instead I giggled...and giggled...and giggled...and snorted.  So much so that when I finally made it out the bathroom our janitor was like "jew okay...? *sideways stare*" *sigh* Si senor, I'm okay.

And the clumsiness continues

Maybe I need to lock myself in a padded room until it passes... o_O

Last week an item...a REALLY heavy item came crashing through the ceiling (not at my house).  Scared the ever living crap out of me!  I thought the world was ending.  What is really funny is people who weren't in the vicinity when it happened immediately thought I fell somehow.  Wow, my reputation really precedes me *sigh*.  Anyway, it was one of those "golly gee glad I wasn't in that spot just now" moments.   All while I was checking to make sure I didn't wee on myself.  Thankfully I had recently used the rest room! But at that point I decided it was time to head home because I clearly didn't need to be out in public. 

So I attempted cooking again...I've cooked just fine for the past few days with no problems then last night...yea.

I've been cooking on my own since I was 17.  I know how to cook without burning things.  Last night I managed to burn veggies while trying to boil them.  I have no idea how I did this.  I was standing right freaking there!!!  I was stirring the pasta when I smelled something funky.  I thought some water had spilled out the pot and onto the burner.  Then I looked at the pot.  I couldn't see the veggies, only white fog.  Yea that's right, it is so unlike me to actually burn anything my first thought was fog!  "Hmmm, how in the world would fog get in my pot?!?"  When my brain finally caught up the smoke alarm was going off, crap!  I took it off the burner and ran out the back door.  There was screaming "Ahhhhhhhhh!" as I ran with a smoking pot and was coughing *hack, hack, wheeze* care of the smoke.  I put it down to go back inside and open windows.  Mind you while all this is going on the hubs is saying "trying to burn down the house, haha", but he is still playing his video game. Meanwhile I am running around like a nut case trying to get the alarm to stop and open windows.  I ran back out to see if any of the veggies were salvageable...that is when I realized what I did.  I walked back inside and laid on the floor while mumbling into my arm "that's it I give up *grumble, grumble, moan*".

You see, I put the smoking pot down on the patio table...which is plastic...So now I have burnt veggies in one of my nice pots melted onto my patio table.  The smell was horrific...thankfully it was outside now.  But the only way to pry the pot off of the table was to use my gardening shears...like the big ones to cut bushes.  I looked like I belonged in "American Psycho", but I was hacking at a table/pot and not a person.  When it popped off without breaking the table I danced around in a circle waiving my shears in the air, "Whoohoo".  Looking back I probably looked a little insane. 

The veggies were tossed, thankfully I didn't burn the pasta and the rest of dinner was okay.  But now my house smells like a burnt fart.  Ewwwwwww!

Someone put the Gris-Gris on me!

Okay so I am clumsy this is not a secret but the last two days have been extreme! Like I feel like I'm in that episode of Supernatural where they find the "lucky" rabbits foot....which turns out to be unlucky and then Sam ends up saying "I lost my shoe". That's the kind of time I'm having.

FYI:  In Cajun French a gris-gris can be a bit like the evil eye. It’s kind of like a spoken word or even a thought you have towards someone.

It all started yesterday. I was weeding the garden when suddenly the hubs came running and went inside....um ok. Turns out there was a "nest" of bumble bees.  Like the GIANT black ones with the yellow stripes.  Those effers are aggressive!  Me not wanting to stop my yard work kept going while hubs guarded me with a dust pan...when he went inside for something one of the three evil creatures decided I was in its territory.  It attacked by dive bombing my head which resulted in me leaping to my feet and running.  I ran into the trash can which fell over dumping the contents on me.  Thankfully it was only weeds and branches but they ended up all over me...I was tangled in a load of sticky bush, weed things.  Which caused me to break out in a full body rash because I have stupid skin.  At this point I pretty much gave up and went inside to shower.  

(forgot to mention this) Then while trying to undress I got stuck in my sports bra.  Don't know how that's possible but I did it.  I was completely stuck in it.  My arms were in the weirdest position and it was half covering my bits.  Hubs came in the room and was looking at me funny...then lost it laughing when I said "*sigh* I think I'm stuck".  

The rest of the night was uneventful. Until we watched a movie based one my favorite fictional characters.  It made me cry...which the book did too so no surprise there.  Well hubs kinda joked with me, asking why I made him watch such a sad movie.  While waiting to start the next movie I decided my dogs were being unsocial.  I got them out of their room and went to close the door...forgetting there was a pull up bar still hanging.  The bar popped off the door and swooped down. It slapped me in the face.  I immediately fell to the floor clutching my face the dogs were like "momma what is wrong with you?!?"  Then the hubs saw me...thinking I was being silly so he was shoving me with his foot going "heeeeey what you dooooooooing?" Then he heard the sniffle/sob. He was like omg, are you ok?!  Then he saw my face and said "people are going to think....you tell them...omg ....tell them you got in a cat fight or something.  Omg". Which is totally unbelievable because I am not aggressive at all.  I looked in the mirror and I had a massive welt on my upper cheekbone, next to my eye.  I said I think I may get a black eye. I spent the next movie with a bag of frozen peas on my face.  I took pain killers and drank a coke (which I haven't done in 3 weeks) so I was up till way past 4am and woke up at 8.

I woke up the next morning with a nasty black eye.  Like I look like I was beaten.  People are going to think my husband hit me....*sigh*.  

Today I tried to cook a big pot of soup.  While dicing onions,  I pretty much cut the pad off my thumb.  Like the knife slipped, I ran to the sink and was panicking a bit.  No stitches needed but it hurts and I am bandaged. Hubs said no more sharp objects so he took over the cutting of veggies. I decided to peel the carrots...while peeling the peeler slipped taking off another layer of my thumb and I dropped the carrot into the trash can. He took that duty away from me also. So  I moved on to put the meat in the skillet to brown....the oil was too hot and I burned my arms.  He made me leave the kitchen.  He said just tell him what to do.  

The thing is, I am klutzy but I am not that bad.  I am currently searching my house for the unlucky item to break this curse or find out who thought it! Hope I find it before something else happens.  

**UPDATE** I spilled hot soup all over my shirt after typing this.  Thankfully I pulled the shirt away from my skin quickly so no burns BUT I was told to just sit on the couch before I ended up in the ER.  To top that off my eye is incredibly swollen today.  I have make-up on it but it is obvious its purple underneath.  Yea that's my favorite color but not for my skin!  I keep getting funny looks.  Like yea sure a "pullup bar" *wink*.