I thought the saying was "light a fire under their @$$" not "light a fire under their arms"

Sooooooo I think I have stated before I have "Weird Skin".  Meaning it is normal 99% of the time but that 1% can be brutal. 

I don't have "sensitive skin" all the time.  I wear Bath & Body Works lotions.  I wear various makeup brands.  I wear perfume & body splash.  I use regular shampoos, conditioners, and hair dyes.  I use various body washes in the shower.  I use Purex laundry detergent.  All with ZERO issues. 

But I've discovered, there are some RANDOM things I cannot use. 


It all came to a horrible, horrible head yesterday.  I am a product reviewer.  I get free samples ALL THE TIME.  One of my free samples tried to kill me...okay that's a bit dramatic...but it definitely caused me some pain & suffering. 

I got a deodorant sample.  Secret (I've used this brand before in gel form) Clinical Strength Smooth Solid Antiperspirant Deodorant (I've not used that before).  I prefer the solids to the gels which is why I got away from Secret in the first place.  Since it was clinical strength, I thought using it before Zumba would be the perfect test.  Right?!?!

Anyways, I put it on, no issues.  I got to class, no issues.  I started sweating, "Houston, we have a problem".   It felt like someone was rubbing sandpaper under my arms.  "Hmmm that is an odd sensation". 

I kept dancing.  It started to get really uncomfortable but I didn't want to look because I was in a room full of people and it would look like I was smelling my pits.  Suddenly the world went RED.  It felt like a match was being held under each pit.  "Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!"...."This girl is on fiiiiiiiiiiiire, this girl is on fiiiuuuuuuure". 

At this point I had 15 min left of class.  I grabbed my stuff and BOLTED.  I did not pass Go, I did not collect $200, I jumped in my car and went home.  They probably thought I $hit myself or something...

I wear tanks to workout, so when I got home I ran to the bathroom to look in the mirror.  Oh God...oh...they looked so angry!!! 

I had bright red, puffy patches under each arm and they were sizzling.  Well they felt like they were sizzling.  I jumped in the shower and soaped up. 

It hurt soooooooooooooooooooooooo much. 


Cold water "owww"

Warm water "owwwwwww"

Soap *screeeeech* "are you f**king kidding me?!?! Was that acid or Dove?!!??!". 

I finally finished and toweled off...VERY CAREFULLY.  I didn't want to put my Dove Deodorant on with them being all "F**k you b**ch" and red.  So I put on Rx strength Hydrocortisone Cream, "Oh...oh that feels MUCH better." I added some baby powder because the skin was raw and enraged.  It still hurt like a mofo but they weren't "sizzling" anymore. 

I have no idea what ingredient I am allergic to but something clearly pissed off my skin.  But only when I started sweating sooooo it must be whatever activates for "wetness"....I guess.  Whatever it was I can't use it again...I will just stick to Dove...thanks. 

P.S. They are much better this morning.  Still irritated but MUCH better. 

This is how it happens. This is how Skynet takes over!

I need a degree in Computer Engineering to use a treadmill....and no I am not an anti-tech person.  But I haven't had a Gym membership in over a year.  I just signed up again and I don't understand how to use the new equipment.  Its WAY more techy than the $hit I am used to. 

It can't be that hard...right?!?  Wrong!  I feel like a super goob trying to use the f**king treadmill!  Its a TREADMILL for doGs sake!!!  So we have a touchscreen thingy to control it but we also have buttons by the handles.  There is a TV on it above the touch screen that you can control...with a remote...or maybe with the touch screen.  There are 5 wires sticking out of it that kind of remind me of the charging wires for my phone so I am thinking you can connect it.  But it also says Bluetooth.  Whatever shall I do!?!?!? In order to get a "lesson" from a trainer I have to schedule an appointment BEFORE 5PM...I get off at 4:30...FML!!!

I just want to run on a f**king treadmill and track my calories/miles/speed.  While listening to music via Pandora via the "FREE" WiFi.  Is that too much to f**king ask for?!?!?  And by Free WiFi I mean WiFi that works.  Not WiFi that kind of works, then cuts out, then cuts back...then disappears, then comes back again.  There were literally 5 people in the ENTIRE GYM including me and the employees.  Why was it being such an @$$hole?!?!?

Side note - my resting temp on average is 97.2 degrees.  When I am in A/C (like in a gym) my hands feel like bony icicles of death, even when I am working out!  It is like all the blood drains from my extremities or something.  This means that touch screens are NOT my friends!!! STG I have to put my hands in my armpits to warm them up enough for the f**king touch screen to realize I am in fact alive.  Which looks like I am doing some weird running impression of Mary Katherine Gallagher ...and no I do not smell them after. 

Moving on.  It took me 15 minutes to figure out how to program a workout.  I didn't connect my phone because I wasn't sure.  I pressed start...it went immediately to 7mph.  I am 5'1"...my little legs don't really go that fast!

Then it told me I had done 1 minute (only a minute?!?!? that felt like a f**king eternity!) and had 2,497 minutes left in my workout...

That would be running for 41.6 HOURS.  Do I look like Forest Gump!?!?!  I think I did something wrong...whatever I did 45 minutes and pressed the cool down BUTTON.  I tried to find a "how to use a lifefitness treadmill" tutorial online but I got nothing.  So I will go back to the gym tonight and attempt to figure this f**ker out again. 

Maybe I should stick to the classes...