$hit, if it's going to be that kind of a party I'm gonna stick my d**k in the mashed potatoes

In times of confusion I find myself drawn to the wise words of the Beastie Boys, well not actually but that's where I know this line *tee hee hee*.  Its actually from  a comedian, Mantan Moreland on his album That Ain't My Finger.

I am feeling very all over today so this post will in fact be all over.  Try to keep up...you may want to take a Dramamine just in case. 

Here is my WTF Facebook moment of the week (and by FB, I mean YouBeauty):

Why!?!?!!?  At first I thought it was going to be one of THOSE articles where I go "OMG, don't stick that in there!" But then I read it and its just "normal" things.  And by normal, I mean things that are meant to go in there....like a Kegal thingy or a DivaCup or a vibrator that you wear all the time that can be activated REMOTELY by your lover *stupid stare*.  Can you imagine being in a board meeting when your man (or woman) decides to f**k with this thing?  "You see over here are our potential earn-ahhhhhhh-ings...whew, um anyway.  This is where we want to be-ahhhhhhh *moan*." Ha!

I think it would have been far more interesting to read if it had been OTHER things.  Like, "you wouldn't believe what this Soccer Mom got stuck in her hoohah" (insert pic of kids toy).  Ya know something interesting.

This fascinates and terrifies me:

I know the article is just saying they discovered it and that is REALLY cool.  But it makes me think about how scientists will sometimes do things just because they can...even if there are FOUR movies that tell us why we probably shouldn't just because we can. 

I mean I'd still be one of those idiots that goes to the park and probably get eaten by a Velociraptor but HOW COOL WOULD THAT BE?!?!

Also, I saw this and my 1st thought was "OMG I LOVE that skirt!"

Wait...that's a...maybe I could still wear it...no...*le sigh*

Then...then...THEEEEEEN! One of my lovely "friends" sent me this:

First thought "Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!" Second thought "why the f**k would you send THIS to me of all people?!?!?"  Third (and most important) thought "They better not try to Jurassic Park this thing!"   I've seen it before but didn't read it.  I know the article is like a month old but *shudder*.  I personally feel like this specimen should be burned in fire.  Actually it should be doused in holy oil, wrapped in spark paper and dropped into the burning pits of hell!  You know why?!?!  Because it is an effing "bug who shall not be named!" When the world ends they will be the only thing left standing!   Which also means if you try to burrow this thing outta the amber and get a "closer" look there is a very good chance the f**ker is still alive in some sort of stasis and once the air hits it, it will come alive and wreak havoc on our unsuspecting world!  It will mate with the already near indestructible "bug who shall not be named" of our time and create a super critter that will have me running for the hills.  Unless they infest the hills then I'll wrap myself in a giant bubble/hamster ball thing, stock pile RAID, and hope I am safe.  You think the ones we have now are brazen, imagine a "predatory" one.  And how do they know its "predatory"?!?!  Does the f**king thing have fangs or something?!?!?! I'm going to have nightmares for weeks!

**Side note** I didn't read the article...why would I read an article about that?!!??!


Seriously though...today I relate to this on a spritual level....:

The wheel is my brain...

I'm going drink more caffeine and run a few laps around my office. 


 

Why does this exist?!?!?

So my Facebook is on a roll with weird/sponsored posts.  I apparently "Liked" YouBeauty at some point in my Facebook fun and now I see products/trends that concern me.  Somethings are silly like using the dried sperm of a virgin camel mixed with matured octopus mucus as a primer to reduce wrinkles, you know "Beauty Stuff".

Then there are things like this...WHY!?!?!?

My computer renamed the file "FullSizeRender" which made me laugh even harder

Curiosity got the best of me and I clicked the link and apparently you can share your orgasm (from the inside) via "FaceTime".  I just don't...WTF!? There are so many reasons why this seems like a bad idea.  For one does that really turn someone on?  "Here's a vid of the INSIDE of my Hoohah, watch how it squirts." 




I would think the "O" face via FaceTime would be much more, um, exciting.  Also, what if you FaceTime the wrong person?!?  "Sorry dad that was meant for that guy/girl I met last night." Talk about needing counseling.







I mean with descriptions like "The vibe is waterproof and rechargeable, like that even matters when it has a camera in it. It’s also compatible with FaceTime, so you can share your big moment with friends across the 4G network." With your FRIENDS?!?!?  I am close with my friends but that is a whole other level.... I sense sarcasm, I am fairly certain YouBeauty is just as confused as me but they posted it so yea.  Favorite quote "It puts the view only gynecologists used to be privy to in your hands."


As if I wasn't confused enough this popped up in my feed today....

At least its my fav color

 
Is this a thing?  I am old...this must be a new trend.  Look, I don't care if you have pit hair or if you dye it.  I don't have any but I am grossed out by body hair (on myself) in general so clearly this wouldn't be my thing.  BUT the term Pit Puffs makes me think of marshmallows and now I am grossed out.  Next we are going to have "dreadpits".  "You can look like a beached squid as you tan." Someone should do this pronto and sport it as the latest in fashion.  What if they made extensions for those who can't grow long enough Pit Hair...I should invent this...I could be a millionaire!