Welcome to the Cooch Show!

 Ever have one of those days where you go, "Damn...I should have stayed in bed..."?

I was having a really good day.  Worked in my garden, cleaned up a little around the house, did some painting (for fun, not like a wall).  Just a nice productive day.  

I took a shower and got ready to go run the streets and have a late lunch/early dinner.  I put on these adorable linen shorts and a black tank to head out.  As I was wandering around the house I noticed there was a hole in one of the pockets,  WTH, I've only worn these twice.  Whatever, I'll sew it up later. 

I put on some very light makeup, checked myself in the mirror and went to head out.  As we were heading out I made a comment to my hubs how nice these shorts were.  They were so light, it didn't feel like I had anything on.  He said they looked like they fit nice. 

Before we left my bladder woke up and was like YO GOTTA GO!  Normally I'd be like WTF but today I was soooo grateful for the delay.  

As I was finishing up I felt something tickling my ankle.  

On closer inspection, there was a hole in my pants. 

I started poking at it and realized, I could literally stick my entire hand through the hole. 

It was in the crotch area.  I pulled my shorts back-up to see why I didn't notice before and you couldn't see anything.

I walked towards the mirror.  That is when I saw flashes of my rainbow undies on display for anyone to see. 

I took them off to better examine them and the crotch was annihilated.  

It was legit hanging on by a single thread.  Cheaply made POS. 

So my $30 linen shorts that I wore twice are now in the trash but my old faithful $12 Old Navy shorts are still going strong.  

Show us your V!

No no not that one....although thanks 🙊

Wait....On second thought...NM....

So scrolling Facebook and I see this:

I...what...? So I kept watching...I couldn't look away.....

WTF?!?!😂

I'm sure there's a cream for that....

Oooo kinky

Ewwww.....but I mean its summer....

You may need some penicillin.....or unscented soap!!!

Ugh the WORST!

This marketing is SPOT ON.  I legit stopped what I was doing to watch this 😹

BRILLIANT!  Why are we so scared to say the "V" word?!?  Your hoohah needs love too.
Go check 'em out.  They actually have some neat products.  queenvlife.com. 

I have questions...mainly how does one wipe...?!?

I am all about "to each his own".  I really don't care what you wear, your style, your taste, etc.  I think its great when people have their own style.  But sometimes I have practicality questions...this is one of those times.

Don't get me wrong these look really cool but....

HOW....?!?!?

My lady parts just screamed in fear.  I really think I would severely injure my hoohah even with a wad of TP.

Now these aren't so bad but I feel like the jewels would catch on EVERYTHING....

I mean what if you want to...have a little fun alone...even with a toy, there is still the risk of vag stab. Gives new meaning to mid-cycle bleeding....  "Ooops, looks like I have a piercing now". 

Oh come on!  Do you have a hand maiden doing your hair?!?!!?  How do you TYPE?!?!  I am so confused....

Again...do these people not touch their hair?!?!  My hand would be stuck and I'd have to chop off 5".

*evil witch cackle* Come closer my pretty, so I can stab your eyes out *ahhhhahahahahaa* Wait didn't the chick in X-men have nails that grew like this?!?!?!

Sorry!  I mean go 'head gurl, if this is your thing.  I just think I would injure myself and/or not be able to perform daily functions...like peeing (wiping) without assistance!  I am clumsy enough without sharp objects attached to my fingers. I'd probably poke my own eye out.

Police Officer:  how'd she die?
Husband: She fell on her fancy nails
Police Officer: *sigh* that is the 5th one this month!

*pow* right in the fandom, I love this goofy idea so much it hurts a little

So I went to Wizard World NOLA this past weekend.  Before the show began I got a Groupon email.

I'm sorry what?!?!? Doctor Who Burlesque, you say.  Who doesn't love a good Burlesque show?!?!?  No really I've been to a few, super neat. Is that weird?  Anyway, burlesque and Who, OMG!

So I opened it.

Does that....does that say Doctor Who-Ha?!!??!  OMG I just shot hot tea out of my nose!  They saw the opportunity and they took it!!!! Oh and look a female Eleven...cute! 

I wanted to know more. *click*

My first thought, "OMG I want to go!".  My second thought, "does that say 'wibbly-wobbly, timey-wimey burlesque adventure through space and time'? Scratch that I NEED to go!"

Alas, I realized it was for 9PM...on a Sunday night...in the City not far from Downtown... "Dammit!".  *le sigh*  As much as my little nerdy self would have loved a Who themed sexy dancing thing, there was no way I could justify that.  Ya know work and all.  Stupid adulting getting the way of my fun *grumble, grumble*.  Also, the convention ended at like 6....what would we do for three hours...I mean we could have found something but that would probably cost MONEY...so no.  Not to mention we planned on going EARLY to the Con, mainly bc my photo-op was for 11:30 and because we could do more exploring before the crowd poured in.  After that you just people watch *hehehehe*. 

So we did not go, "boooo".  And it was tempting.  It was advertised the entire time we were in the Con.   I wonder how it was?  Horribly cheesy...I hope so!!!

That was a very misleading headline!!!! I was extremely confused...concerned...and a bit grossed out.....

What I saw:

"This Speaker Lets Your Vagina Play Music"

What else am I going to think with that pic and headline other than "If you have enough air coming out of your hoohah to play music you might want to see a doctor ASAP".  Or you may want to contact America's Got Talent because this is a new one in my book!!!!!

My curiosity won out and I read the article.  OMG that makes so much more sense...still weird and disturbing though.  So its a speaker you stick into your vag that plays music for your unborn child.  Ahhhh okay.  Sooooo why would you want to stick a vibrating silicone speaker in your lady parts, when you can just put headphones/a speaker on your belly and be done with it...?  Call me old fashioned but this is weird and unnecessary, right? 

"With Babypod, babies learn to vocalize from the womb."
Ummm while I am all about early development and intelligence...this is weird.  I'm having flashes of a freshly birthed newborn quoting Shakespeare or something.  Oh God what if mom listens to death metal...welcome future serial killer. I'm totally joking...we all know serial killers listen to classical music *see Hannibal Lector*.

"Something great has been achieved, babies start to communicate before birth."
This makes me uncomfortable.  Kicks and stretches and cute stuff on the ultrasound, okay but communication...even remedial forms from a fetus...it sounds very sci-fi esque. *ultrasound noise*  "And here we see your baby at 22 weeks...wait...is he flipping us off?!?  What an @$$hole!"

Ya know what if I ever am able to get preggo, I think I'll just stick to headphones on the belly, if that.  It may be old school but I see no difference in the delivery of the music.   If its in your vag there is still a barrier between the tunes and the baby.  I just...this is just weird!  It seems like a scam to get expecting moms to spend $133 (seriously?!?!?!) on something that may or may not do anything other than piss off your unborn baby because it wants to sleep not be vibrating, while listening to your stupid music.  Dammit mom I hate you and I'm not even born yet!!! This is how the Stewies of the world are created!

And here I was thinking how impressive my quads are...not so impressive NOW!

Excuse me ma'am, I think you dropped...something...wait...where is that...string attached...

 

So I read the stupid article.  Actually the article isn't stupid but the f**king webpage is so loaded with so much CRAP that it sucks to view it.  It crashed Firefox TWICE!   

What kind of crazy kegel exercises is she doing?!?!

"She can also shoot things out of there. Anami thinks shooting pin pong balls from your vagina is 'every woman’s god given right'."  I swear I saw this in a movie once...and no it wasn't porn.  Was it her?!?!?

I just...count me impressed... "The process of lifting involves inserting a jade egg inside her vagina. She then ties the objects she wishes to lift and wraps the other end around the jade egg."

 

Maybe I need to rethink my exercise routines...of course if I started "lifting" random objects with my hoohah, I think my husband may get a tad concerned/scared.   Doing that is like the equivalent of a meat head flexing his muscles and crushing concrete or something.  Its an non-verbalized warning...f**k with me & I'll break "you".  

Why yes, I'd enjoy a ballon in my uterus...who wouldn't? The weirdest things always happen to me...I don't know why I am surprised anymore...

Okay so this is going to be a TMI post.  And it isn't about me doing something and getting something stuck in a bad place.  Get your mind OUT OF THE GUTTER.  If you don't want to read a ridiculous story about a medical thing I had, don't read on.  No really...its not gross but it is...well, WEIRD.

You've been warned
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No turning back now
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Wait, you're still here...?!?
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Okay, here goes...



So a few months back my OBGYN (you can still not read on...I'm giving you an out) said I needed to do this other "thing" to investigate my "female issues".  He said the name of the procedure and I said bless you.  He laughed, see I AM funny.  Its called a hysterosalpingogram...yea...yea try saying that five times fast.  Hell just try saying it once.  He said I could have it done at any x-ray lab place and to just make sure they sent him the results.  Okay, sure...no problem.  

Well I pride myself on saying big words...sometimes... so to prove I wasn't a complete moron I attempted to say this "word" when I called to schedule it.  I failed miserably, struggling like Nemo trying to say anemone, and finally just used the shortened version HSG. 

You can look it up for more detail but the gist is it is an x-ray that uses dye injected into your lady parts to make sure things aren't blocked and are of a normal "shape".  Okay, that's fine...I've done the intestinal "dye" x-ray thing, years ago...easy peasy.  Except this one doesn't involve swallowing anything (obviously) so how do they "inject" the dye.  Well I'll tell you...they give you an edited version of a pelvic exam and squirt it in there (and its COLD), no really...I am not kidding.  

So how it is supposed to go, 5 minutes tops:

1.  You sit there spread eagle and they put a speculum thingy in there...you know for better access.  
2.  They slide this catheter thing in, with a "balloon" on the end
3.  They inflate the balloon
4.  They remove something (probably the speculum)


5.  The x-ray person steps back
6.  You carefully slide up the table 
7.  They inject the dye
8.  You see your lady parts light up on the x-ray screen
9.  Fin

How it went for me, not 5 minutes...maybe 20-ish:
1.  I sat there spread eagle and he put a speculum thingy in there...you know for better access.  
     a. He started chatting with me about LSU and other random stuff

     b. I responded as nicely as possible being as I was in a very awkward position
2.  He slide this catheter thing in, with a "balloon" on the end
3.  He inflated the balloon
4.  He removed something (probably the speculum)


5.  He stepped back
     a. x-ray person "Oh no, the balloon deflated", me, "huh?"
     b. Steps up, does something down there and it re-inflates
     c. Steps back again,  "Oh no, it deflated again", me "What tha? *craning my neck trying to look 
        down*"
     d. Steps up, does whatever and it re-inflates
     e. Repeat c-d two more times
6.  X-ray person "Um, okay.  I don't want to have to re-tube you or reschedule so I'm just going to hold this here so it stays inflated....go ahead and slide up the table", me "Ummmmm"
7.  I scoot up the table while he has his hand down in my Garden of Eden keeping that stupid balloon inflated.    Can I just tell you how weird it is to have someones hand partially in your hoohah, with a tube hanging out like some misplaced tail, as you attempt to "gracefully" slide backwards.  And by gracefully I mean not gracefully at all. Think about it though, your legs are bent and there is a breeze and your, thankfully shaved, vag is *waving* "hey look at me" okay maybe she didn't wave.
8.  Anyway, he starts the x-ray and injects the dye
9.  I see my lady parts light up on the x-ray screen, oh cool
10.  "Hmmm your right tube isn't flowing, I'm going to push more dye in" Me: "what, does that me-- ow ow ow ow ow."  Mind you I have a high pain tolerance but it felt like someone stabbed me in the side with a f**king icicle.   Him: "Sorry, should I stop?" Me: *grunts*  "No, no I'm good."
11.  "there we go, all clear.  Everything looks good.  I see no issues but we'll let your doctor have a look see." Yea okay, cool
12.  He removes his hand and the tube and the defective balloon.  As I am sitting up, "Oh careful when you sit up...the dye has to go somewhere." And I suddenly feel like a wet myself...oh just f**king wonderful.

It also didn't help that the guy looked and sounded like one of the squinterns from Bones...Dr. Oliver Wells.  I'm not putting a picture, look him up.  His real name is Brian Klugman.


So to sum it up, I had a squintern doppelganger with his hand in a normally very private area chatting my ear off about randomness like it was the most normal thing and injecting me with dye while I had an x-ray...good times....

Excuse me ma'am but your vagina appears to be sticking it's tongue out at me

This week on "who let that go to market?!?"

No but really look closer...

CLOSER!

I love me some minions but that is just POOR placement!  Yea it's off center so it makes it a little better but it is off center from that lady's hoohah and I just don't feel comfortable.  For gods sake, his tongue is pink! And its in the right vicinity...and all I can think of is a clam...and *shhhh* It's like her vag is trying to seduce me!  *growl*

My first thought, "OMG just move the image a little higher!!!" A tongue coming out of the stomach area is much more acceptable in my book.  But them I realized if they weren't careful with that we would be accentuating her tatas with those bulbous minion eyeballs.  But I find that I am more okay with that, than this. 

In case you want to use a minion dress to draw attention to your Garden of Eden, you can get one here for under $20.  I like the idea and I would have totally worn it but all I can think now is "But, but people will be looking at my lady parts *whimper*" and that just makes me uncomfortable. 

"BANNANA!!!!!!" 

Side Note:  Since I am about the height of a minion this could actually work on me. . . the dress might rest JUST low enough so that the tongue isn't quite "hey look at my peesh!"

$hit, if it's going to be that kind of a party I'm gonna stick my d**k in the mashed potatoes

In times of confusion I find myself drawn to the wise words of the Beastie Boys, well not actually but that's where I know this line *tee hee hee*.  Its actually from  a comedian, Mantan Moreland on his album That Ain't My Finger.

I am feeling very all over today so this post will in fact be all over.  Try to keep up...you may want to take a Dramamine just in case. 

Here is my WTF Facebook moment of the week (and by FB, I mean YouBeauty):

Why!?!?!!?  At first I thought it was going to be one of THOSE articles where I go "OMG, don't stick that in there!" But then I read it and its just "normal" things.  And by normal, I mean things that are meant to go in there....like a Kegal thingy or a DivaCup or a vibrator that you wear all the time that can be activated REMOTELY by your lover *stupid stare*.  Can you imagine being in a board meeting when your man (or woman) decides to f**k with this thing?  "You see over here are our potential earn-ahhhhhhh-ings...whew, um anyway.  This is where we want to be-ahhhhhhh *moan*." Ha!

I think it would have been far more interesting to read if it had been OTHER things.  Like, "you wouldn't believe what this Soccer Mom got stuck in her hoohah" (insert pic of kids toy).  Ya know something interesting.

This fascinates and terrifies me:

I know the article is just saying they discovered it and that is REALLY cool.  But it makes me think about how scientists will sometimes do things just because they can...even if there are FOUR movies that tell us why we probably shouldn't just because we can. 

I mean I'd still be one of those idiots that goes to the park and probably get eaten by a Velociraptor but HOW COOL WOULD THAT BE?!?!

Also, I saw this and my 1st thought was "OMG I LOVE that skirt!"

Wait...that's a...maybe I could still wear it...no...*le sigh*

Then...then...THEEEEEEN! One of my lovely "friends" sent me this:

First thought "Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!" Second thought "why the f**k would you send THIS to me of all people?!?!?"  Third (and most important) thought "They better not try to Jurassic Park this thing!"   I've seen it before but didn't read it.  I know the article is like a month old but *shudder*.  I personally feel like this specimen should be burned in fire.  Actually it should be doused in holy oil, wrapped in spark paper and dropped into the burning pits of hell!  You know why?!?!  Because it is an effing "bug who shall not be named!" When the world ends they will be the only thing left standing!   Which also means if you try to burrow this thing outta the amber and get a "closer" look there is a very good chance the f**ker is still alive in some sort of stasis and once the air hits it, it will come alive and wreak havoc on our unsuspecting world!  It will mate with the already near indestructible "bug who shall not be named" of our time and create a super critter that will have me running for the hills.  Unless they infest the hills then I'll wrap myself in a giant bubble/hamster ball thing, stock pile RAID, and hope I am safe.  You think the ones we have now are brazen, imagine a "predatory" one.  And how do they know its "predatory"?!?!  Does the f**king thing have fangs or something?!?!?! I'm going to have nightmares for weeks!

**Side note** I didn't read the article...why would I read an article about that?!!??!


Seriously though...today I relate to this on a spritual level....:

The wheel is my brain...

I'm going drink more caffeine and run a few laps around my office.