Ghostwriting at its finest

So I volunteer for a rescue.  I can't handle fostering and I'd be $hit at cleaning feeding...because I'd want to take them all home.  So I do the behind the scenes stuff....like laundry. 

It's a rescue....FULL of animals.  Unfortunately no matter what they do, it's going to attract nefarious creatures.  

I am generally cautious when I pick up the laundry...checking for said nefarious creatures. I saw nothing.  I don't bring the laundry into my house.  I leave it just outside and bring it in, in batches to clean.  It takes a couple days but it's worth it. 

Well day 2 recently I moved a pillowcase and saw...something.  My guardian angel was watching out for me because if I would have touched it...I may have died on the spot.  I saw....antenna.  They were twitching. 

I.FREAKED.OUT...in my head.  

So what does any normal person do?  They kick the bag over, screaming this is SPARTA, and slam the garage door...OBVIOUSLY!

So I put on tennis shoes and go out the front door to kill my new "guest".  So there I am pulling items out of the bag...flinging them into my driveway....nothing.  

"WHERE IS IT??!?!!?"

**Several hours later**

I went out to bring something to the trash can.  I saw movement out of the corner of my eye.  A bug who shall not be named runs out of the grass.  Its the size of a small bird.  I STG it made eye contact with me and took flight. 

Queue me screaming like a banshee and running for the door.  I lost a shoe along the way. 

Hubs got home later and looks for it...he can't find it.  As he is leaving to go back to work he calls my cell "it's out here...under my car.  I swear it made eye contact with me and came running AT ME!"

I go out with roach spray and spray a barrier around the cars. 

At some point I went out to ride my bike.  But before I do that I grab the last load to put in the wash.  That's when IT peeks out from under the bag. 

**SCREAMING**

It's like the size of my hand....what in creature of nightmares is happening.  

So all my neighbors heard was "Oh my god!  Go away!"  

"Seriously! I don't want to deal with you!"

"F**k now I have to kill you"

"$hit with what?!?!?"

It ran at me.....

"AHHHHHHHHHH"

I lost sight of it and never saw it again. 

So this is me typing from beyond the veil because my soul sure did leave my body.

I wasn't aware I could levitate

It's been a rough couple of weeks personally and professionally.  So I really have begun to cherish my rest.  I started taking these all natural sleep gummies (not those kinds of gummies) on nights when I am particularly stressed. 

Last week was exceptionally harrowing.  So come Wednesday I was pretty done and had some gummies. I was all snuggled up on my side and PASSED THE EFF OUT.  

Now I sleep in short sleeves or tank tops usually so lots of exposed skin.  I also sleep on my side with my bottom arm under the pillow and my top arm wedged under my neck and the blankets over my head. This is important...

I was frolicking my way through dreamland when my sleeping body had an itch.  As per normal human behavior I scratched it.  

This is where my soul left my body!!!!

The itch was in my armpit....when I unconsciously itched something moved.

This is when my brain woke up enough to be like

I instinctively grabbed whatever was crawling in my armpit and it squished.

I LEVITATED out of the bed and somehow floated into the bathroom without touching the floor (that's my story and I am sticking to it).

I turned on the light in a panic and there was a small dead...something between my fingers.  The ONLY thing my brain could think was "OMG OMG OMG its a tiny bug who shall not be named!!!!!!!"

Internal Screaming...that quickly became external whimpering.  Lights were turned on, hubs was confused, bed was torn apart looking for anything else hiding in my safe space!

I saw nothing else. 

I tried to go back to sleep....I really did but it just wasn't happening.  All night I kept thinking something was crawling on me.  

For hours the next day I was like "WHY WAS THAT IN MY BED".  Then around noon I saw a FB post about how bad the stupid swarming termites were the night before.

"Oh my God it was a f**king termite!"  It was small, brownish red and squishy!  It didn't register as a termite because it had already shed its wings.

"OH MY GOD I HAD A TERMITE IN MY ARMPIT!"  Wtf wtf wtf!

General consensus is it came in with the pups and then tried to snuggle me.

Tell your sleep paralysis demon he needs to pay rent....and my therapist bill!

Get married they said.  It will be fun they said. They forgot to mention the potential existential terror sleeping next to another person might cause. 

I can't always fall asleep right away when I go to bed so I'll read or play on Imgur or something.  The other night I was doing that next to my sleeping husband (mind you lights are out) when all hell broke loose. 

Hubs: *out of a dead sleep whisper yelling* NOLA GURL!!!! *hitting my thigh*

Me: What?!?!?!!  What's wrong?!!?

Hubs: Something is above your iPad.....

Me: I beg your finest pardon?!?!?!!?

Hubs: It's....on the ceiling

Me: *panicking but thinking ok he's asleep* I don't see anything

Hubs: *grabs my hand in an almost painful grip* *eyes WIDE open*

Me: *about to stroke out*

Hubs: I think it's growling at me

Me: I'm sorry its what.....????????????????

Hubs: Its like growling talking

Me: WHAT?!?!?! *about to $hit the bed*

Hubs: *in a tiny voice* It says its gonna grab me and throw me over there! *points to closet*

Me: Alexa LUMOS!!!!!

Blinding lights come on.  I am sitting up. The dogs are looking at me like I've LOST MY MIND.  Nothing is on the ceiling.  Hubs goes "Oh well it's gone".  Rolls over...AND GOES BACK TO SLEEP!!!!!!!

Cool cool cool you get some rest while I stare into the dark and hope the dark isn't staring back......

Note - He had not been drinking and doesn't take drugs...nor was he on anything like Ambien....

That street jumped up and attacked me!

So we went on this AMAZING out of country vacation.  But like it was a foreign country so being careful and cautious is important.  As in getting sick or injured would probably not be great. 

So what does this chick do?  On night ONE, this chick COMPLETELY sober picked a fight with the street and the street won. 

Let me set the scene.  We are high on life (and jet lag).  We are so excited to be in this beautiful exotic tropical country.  We walked to dinner in daylight but on the way home...the sun had set.  There were no street lights because light pollution, etc.  So there we are walking DOWNHILL on a two lane PITCH BLACK road. 

We had our phones out but that's all we had on us.  As we are cutting up and laughing I stepped on a jagged piece of road.  My ankle twisted and I went down HARD. 

Somehow (do not ask me how) I caught myself with my hands (and my poor phone).  I felt my right knee hit but not hard and it wasn't bleeding 

My screen looked like it was cracked to shit at the bottom of the screen but the phone was working.

Then hubs grabbed my hand to keep walking and said "you're hand is wet". 

I look with my phone and see blood steadily dripping from the heel of my palm.  

I'm ok though.  

We get back to the condo and I SCRUB my hands with antibacterial soap and hot water.  I had f**king gravel in my palm.  

I tweezer the debris out, put some 'sporin on it, and bandaid the crap out of it. 

The next day I take a peek and it's actually not that bad. 

But I do look like I have a snake bite on my palm.  Literally there are two DEEP perfect circles.  I don't know what I fell on....  My other hand has a scrape but its not bad at all.  My knees are fine.  My phone looks like shit but it still works fine and it's just the screen protector scratched up.  

So Day ONE of a eight day vacation and I busted my hand.

The butterfly? Uh-uh, that's old. Let me see the Mach 4 Tootsee Roll!

The other day I was having a bad day.  Work was being cumbersome.  Hubs was being germy all over the house.  And my battery in my vehicle died... again!

I'd been plotting my plans for a fun filled weekend just trying to get through this awful Thursday!  I heard little bit itching.  Now she has the WORST seasonal allergies so I got up to stop her from itching her face off.  

I was helping her by itching her cute little muzzle when when she suddenly sneeze/coughed.  

And shot out SOMETHING at my face at mach speed!!!

I dodged just in time for it to miss my face and hit my shoulder and land on my thigh!!!

It was a f**king piece of $hit!!!!

Slimy, still partially frozen... $HIT!!!!

I screamed, she ran, Speedy came to investigate.  

After cleaning the ICK, I had to change because it looked like Mr. Hanky attacked me.  

I kept grumbling "You are a disgusting creature!!!!!!" And she kept crawling to me on her belly with her head down. 

I had signed off and worked out and laid on the floor to stretch my back.

Lil bit laid on top of me pinning me down and tried to lick my face.

I was freaking out and tried to get away but it became a game and she is freakishly strong when she wants to be.  Then she got under my arm and LICKED ME ON THE LIPS!!!!

I went full Lucy.

And hubs didn't even try to help...he was laughing too hard!

That was not Gus Gus!

It's getting "cooler" finally but we live in the south so its 52 in the AM and 80 by midday. 

But with it getting cooler.....something has found its way into our attic and it made me realized I didn't share my horror story from LAST Winter.  

... kidding.  But it was early 2024 and it was TRAUMATIZING!

I was sitting at my desk and I heard a scratching noise.  A few days later it sounded like MULTIPLE creatures were playing WWE in the attic.  WTAF Bruh!

Now a few years ago we had a critter problem and used poison in the attic... NEVER AGAIN!  Those f**kers would fall down the damn wall and we'd have f**king fly-mageddon in the house which was traumatizing!

Anyways we got the snap traps.  Look I know its not great but I refuse to use glue traps...these are basically instant death and its easier to dispose of them..in theory. 

I'm at our little bar pouring some wine and I hear a loud **SNAP**.  Followed by the most horrific screeching and then **thump thump thump thump** above me.  

WTAF?!?!?!  It's supposed to be instant death...AHHHH!

So we venture into the attic and the trap is GONE!  This Mother F**ker must have only got a leg stuck and ran and jumped OVER the edge of the ceiling and got stuck in the flashing outside.  We can't get to it but can hear it outside flip flopping around. 

Well f**k me!  For two f**king days I can hear it just outside of my office slowly dying and I feel awful because I can't give it a swift end.  

I am in the DEEPEST sleep when lil bit and speedy lose their f**king cheerios! It was 2AM and they were going nuts.  I let them out of the bedroom and they ran into the living room and stared at the ceiling.  Ah beans... did we catch something?!?!?!

The next day hubs went into the attic and it did not suffer **whew**.

I am cooking dinner and hear a **SNAP**.  Hubs goes to investigate and I hear laughing through the ceiling.  He calls my name to come see.  Trap is triggered and there is blood but no critter... f*********ck!  Its gonna die in the GD wall!

I get home from an outing and hear something in the attic.  I tell hubs to go check.  He does and is like UMMMMMM.  I go up there and there is another one caught but its VERY alive and flip flopping all over the place.  We managed to grab the trap with a grabber and bring it out front.  I didn't ask what he did but we counted the trap as a "loss".  Lovely.  

About this time I start to smell something funky in the guest bath.  Like not awful but not great.  Over the next two days its definitely dead body smell. We look in the attic but its not up there....its in a wall or under the tub... F********CK!  I have to block off the bathroom and back bedroom because we have fly-mageddon.  

I put up fly traps and sprayed daily.  I stopped counting when I swept up 150 flies.   

All in all we caught/killed 5 RATS.  These weren't little mice...these were RATS and we couldn't figure out how they were getting in.  

So hopefully whatever I heard the other day doesn't lead to this again because it was Traumatizing AF!

I want to wear your skin

Ever have one of those moments where you aren't sure if you should be flattered or fear for your life?

Well I had one of those the other day.  

I forgot to pick up some things at the grocery and had to make a last minute stop.  Mind you I have been baking for two days so I have unwashed (possibly unbrushed) hair, no makeup, and yoga pants/hoodie on. So I put on my favorite podcast and ventured into the insanity.  

I grabbed my items and ran to the express line.  I mean it's two days before Christmas...why are all you people here????

While I am "patiently" waiting, I feel like someone is staring at me.  Like you know how you can just feel the weight of someone's stare????  I look around but everyone is like me just trying to get the f**k out of there.  But I couldn't shake the feeling I had eyes boring into me.  

I glance up again and catch a guy in the other express lane staring at me.  Not like he looked in my direction.  Like STARING at me.  

And he didn't look away when I caught him.  He just kept STARING a hole into my head.  So I looked away and tried to ignore him.  Well I could still feel him looking at me.  Everytime I looked up, he was looking right at me.  It was so freaking weird.  

He was attractive-ish I guess, maybe a little older, dark shaggy hair and blue blue eyes.  If I wasn't so disturbed I may have been a little flattered. But I was ready to get out of his line of sight.

I finally checked out and started out the door when someone grabs my elbow.  I about jumped out of my skin and yanked my arm away.  He did that whole "hands up", I mean no harm thing and said "I noticed you in line and couldn’t look away".  This is when I realized he didn't have bags...as in he got out of line to come talk to me!!!!!!!!!!  

Okay now I am thoroughly $hitting my pants.  Every alarm in my brain is screaming. And I said "oh do I know you?" as I backed up a little...because that is what you say to your potential kidnapper. Come on chick, geeze! It's busy but no one was near us at this point and it was starting to get dark.

Now he is still staring and when I say STARING...It's like that no emotion, BLANK, unhinged person in a movie stare.  

Like he was reading my f**king thoughts and enjoying every second of my panic. 

He says "no you don't know me but I am drawn to you like gravity" as he looks me up and down and back into my eyes.

OKAY WTAF is happening?!?!  I am literally listening to a podcast called Morbid as this is happening and while I love it, I don't want to be an episode ON IT.  

So I just kinda laughed and said "right, okay well Merry Christmas".  -exit stage left-

That Mother F**ker stepped in my path 

I am trying to think of anything I can use as a weapon.  I don't have my purse, just my card, phone, & key fob in my pocket.  And I bought f**king marshmallows, graham crackers, and chocolate baking chips.  What am I going to do threaten him with deconstructed smores??!?!!?   

Then he seductively said....."I'd really love to give you a call sometime, like later tonight."  That's right....HE ASKED FOR MY MOTHER F**KING NUMBER.  

Um Bruh...just no.  So I uncomfortably say "sorry, taken and bolt BACK into the store" saying over my shoulder "I think I forgot Milk"

Because you know you have to give the creepy serial killer staring dude a reason why you are running away.  I did NOT look back but was ready to grab a bottle of wine off the shelf and chug it in store or use it as a club.

He may have just been "attracted" to me.  But the vibe I got was he wanted to wear my skin like a shawl.  I probably stayed in the store for another 20 min, found a security guard to walk me to my car, and high tailed it out of the parking lot.   Then I drove around like some nutcase trying to see if I was being followed because I was convinced this f**ker is going to follow me home and hubs isn't there.  

So that's my story of how a Buffalo Bill wannabe tried to pick me up at the Grocery store right before Christmas.  

They're like Vampires, you can't INVITE them in

When opportunities present themselves, you should seize them, right?

So imagine my surprise when I was gifted a brand new state of the art kitchen appliance!!!  Like purchased from the store would have been $300+.  Only been used a few months bc they moved in with their partner and didn't need two.  Anyways, we seized the opportunity.  

We didn't set it up right away because I was out of town and we were super busy so it was sitting in my office.  

Anyways, about 1 day after we got it hubs saw a critter on the counter.  It looks like a tiny bug who shall not be named but he wasn't sure.  That night he was having trouble sleeping so was up at like 3AM.  I was awakened at 5AM by him calling having a minor panic attack.  He didn't want to wake me but since he'd been awake, he'd killed 8 tiny bugs who shall not be named!!!! EIGHT! 

He woke me when he found one in the spare bedroom.  

I have a fairly severe phobia but mainly of the HUGE ones that fly.  The little ones just gross me out bc they usually mean "infestation" which WHAT THE ACTUAL F**K?!?!  We are borderline obsessive clean.   

He said he was tiptoeing around the house with a flashlight.  Every once in a while you'd hear "AH!" *splat*

By the time the sun was slightly up he'd killed about 15.  FIFTEEN!  He was awake now enough to be like WTF happened?????

We realized the ONLY "new" thing in the house....was the new....APPLIANCE...

He crept over and shined the light inside......................

IT WAS INFESTED WITH SKINNY GERMAN ROACHES!

What happened next was something out of Supernatural.

He carried it into the garage.  Did a Home Defense circle around it.  Then DROWNED it in Raid.  Like I'm sure it was no longer functional. 

He Home Defensed every doorway in the house. Then waited until the sun was up up to carry it to the curb

Meanwhile I am in another state calling an Exterminator.  I explained what happened and he said "I can have a guy there 1st appt."  

Now I'm home and so far I haven't seen any but Hubs has killed a couple more...one being in the effing cup cabinet.  So everything in there got washed.  

What kills me...like just WTAF man.... is that I literally was telling my travel buddies about how good of a deal it was and said "watch the damn thing have roaches in it". And we all had a good giggle. Clearly the universe has a sense of humor.  

Positive side of it...when they treated the house it also kills a bunch of other stuff so, yay.  

It has fur!

That's it. I am so done. Like BEYOND done.  

I had to venture to an office today for meetings.  I do not venture to this place often.  I do not want to venture to this place ever again....

I should have known when I walked in something was wrong.  It smelled stale.  Almost like the air was heavy.

I walked to my desk and started to prep for the day.  When I went to put the laptop down I noticed my wrist rest and mousepad were light green. Hmmm that's weird since they used to be black.  Mind you I'm still caffeinating so it takes my brain a second to process that they are not only green but also appear to have fur.  

OMG its mold!  WTF why is there MOLD only on my wrist thingy and mousepad.  Then I looked closer at my chair.  My chair is a khaki color so the green wasn't immediately noticeable. Upon closer inspection you could see the tiny circles of fur.  

That's when I realized there was also a thin layer on the wood. 

F**k this I am NOT staying in here.  I moved to another empty office.  Once settled I started my day.  

About 2 hours later I was bent over getting something out of my backpack when something on the carpet caught my eye. 

Once my eyes focused I realized it most definitely had legs and...wings (?). OMG its a tiny dead bug who shall not be named!!!!  Then I shifted and saw another, a little further away another. *WTHF WTF* F**K F**K.

I got up and walked around.  That's when I realized there were tiny dead ones ALL OVER THE PLACE!  

The carpet is that weird office carpet that shows basically no stains so they were camouflaged.  Then I saw some in the kitchen and on the stairs and just f**k me!  I know they are dead but COME ON!

I determine I am leaving after my meeting eff this, this is not a safe work environment! The other person there agreed. 

After my meeting I go to use the restroom and good thing I was already on the toilet otherwise I may have pissed myself!  I turned to get some TP and see movement behind me.  

When I look there is a f**king spider the size of my hand just chilling on the wall.  

Now I am not generally scared of spiders but....

I think nature is reclaiming this land.  

Someone cover me in bubble wrap!

We have been just bombarded with rain the last few weeks.  And not just like an afternoon shower.  It's just a daily deluge of rain combined with psycho winds and crashing thunder & lightening.

Like lightening that lights up your whole house in a bright flash then thunder that crashes so loud you instinctively hit the floor because clearly something just f**king exploded.  

Well I was on my way home from an outing when mother nature just pressure pissed all over us.  We could barely see the road driving home.  When we pulled up it was still raining but not quite as hard.  I did a "one two three" and prepared to run for the door.  As I exited the car and started to run, I realized very quickly this was a bad idea. 

I felt my foot slipping in my shoe.  In slow motion I tried to catch my balance on the hood of the car but it was too late.  

My left leg gave way and I went down.  Out of pure instinct I threw my yeti to catch myself, but the angle of the fall was off so my hands didn't do much to help.  

I landed HARD on my left hip, left leg bent under me, and my left elbow hit the bumper of the car.  I sat stunned in the pouring rain trying to assess the damage for what felt like an hour but was only seconds.

Hubs tried to help but I said just get the stuff I dropped.   As I tried to get up lightening exploded behind my house blinding and scaring the absolute $hit out of me.  

Instinct kicked in again and I tried to run...I fell flat on my chest, but caught myself before my face hit.  Hubs also ran and then was like WTF, where is she?!?!  I literally hummed both shoes at my house and took off running barefoot as another blast of lightning lit up the sky.  

Once safely inside the pain shot through my left side.  I crawled into the living room and just sat on the floor holding my foot and leg rocking in pain.  Once I removed my hand blood started dripping from my foot.

I limped to the shower and hosed myself down.  EVERYTHING hurt/burned.  Then I practically bathed in peroxide. 

My toes wouldn't stop bleeding. 

Once I got a closer look...in my fall I removed MULTIPLE layers of skin from my last three toes and I am pretty sure broke the second to last one as there was a BURNING sensation not affiliated with the missing skin area.  

I dressed and wrapped each toe. Then carefully bandaged the horrific brush burn that takes up most of my left shin/calf.  

Let this be lesson kids....shoes matter....

Seriously I should be the flipping poster child for "don't run in flip flops".