Hey, what ya doin' up there...? How'd you get your leg that high? OMG what's he doing to you?!?! I may need a closer look....

Things that my 6 month old puppy says in her head...

I've had dogs my whole life. 

I've had dogs and cats since being an adult and living on my own.  Every animal I've had as an adult hid during sexy time.......

........except one.  He was a special boy.  He was a Rottie and he really wanted to get a closer look and/or lick my husbands butt-cheek...ya know just to see him jump ten feet in the air.  But he never got in the bed/on the couch...he didn't have to, nor did he stick around for long.  He was 90lbs and tall...he just picked his head up to look. 

My current little pup seems to be like him.  She is VERY curious what is happening.  But she doesn't just do the creepy watch from a distance. 

Noooooo not her.  She jumps in the bed and tries to get a closer look at the action.  I've never had my @$$hole licked (CREEEEEEEPY!)...until we adopted her. JFC dog, not cool! She was promptly kicked out of the room.  Usually we catch her before she gets too close BUT sometimes when things are really good, you may not notice and suddenly you have a furry head on your bare breasts or something (that isn't your partner) licking your ear hole.

Last night though was probably the funniest moment thus far.  Things were going...quite well so we didn't notice her jump up in the bed.  THANKFULLY its chilly so we were under the covers.  I felt a pressure against my side but I didn't really pay attention to it.  Then suddenly I hear the loudest sigh/moan/groan I have ever heard come from such a small dog.  She was laying down, pressed up against me...and apparently very annoyed that we were NOT paying attention to her, I guess.  The look on her face........

..........we both burst into a fit of giggles...and kicked her off the bed.

After we were done, I looked to my right and burst out laughing again.  She was sitting on the floor glaring at us with her ears back like we'd just offended her ancestors or something. 

I've never dealt with this before...is it pure curiosity...is it a type of jealousy...is it just a weird dog who doesn't understand what's happening...?

And here I was thinking how impressive my quads are...not so impressive NOW!

Excuse me ma'am, I think you dropped...something...wait...where is that...string attached...

 

So I read the stupid article.  Actually the article isn't stupid but the f**king webpage is so loaded with so much CRAP that it sucks to view it.  It crashed Firefox TWICE!   

What kind of crazy kegel exercises is she doing?!?!

"She can also shoot things out of there. Anami thinks shooting pin pong balls from your vagina is 'every woman’s god given right'."  I swear I saw this in a movie once...and no it wasn't porn.  Was it her?!?!?

I just...count me impressed... "The process of lifting involves inserting a jade egg inside her vagina. She then ties the objects she wishes to lift and wraps the other end around the jade egg."

 

Maybe I need to rethink my exercise routines...of course if I started "lifting" random objects with my hoohah, I think my husband may get a tad concerned/scared.   Doing that is like the equivalent of a meat head flexing his muscles and crushing concrete or something.  Its an non-verbalized warning...f**k with me & I'll break "you".  

I thought boys were told NOT to stick IT in "random" holes

Also known as a Glory Hole (I'm not defining that, look it up)...boys are so weird!

I mean I don't have one of those appendages but I can't imagine looking at a random "hole" and being like "I'm gonna stick my d**k in it", just saying.  With that said IFLScience posted an article (see here)  that made me question reality and weep for the future of humanity (hahaha).

Soooo instead of using your, um, hands at the Hospital/Donor/Doctor's office to get a sample you use this monstrosity, "because you are shy" or whatever.  But wouldn't this be just as uncomfortable?

Would it be in a private room? Would it be like a room full of these and a bunch of guys standing around with their pants around their ankles while a machine sucks them off?  How do you "clean it" after every use? Can you ensure you don't mix the "samples"? How long before someone gets "stuck" in it because it wont "let go"?  Apparently there are different settings you use to control the experience...but wouldn't  that be distracting?  "OMG so close, wait gotta change the intensity from gentle massage to Hoover with a twisting motion."  These are legitimate questions!!!  It seems so weird to me but I am a girl so I guess I will never understand...IFLScience hit the nail on the head with the below statement.

"We're not entirely convinced that standing in a room shared by many other people and being milked like a cow is going to help, but their efforts are commendable. Here’s to technology."
~ Best quote EVER!

Seriously though I have this mental image of a bunch of guys standing around getting their jollies...and it isn't for anything medical related.  I see this being used in OTHER places...its basically a robotic prostitute.  Sorry escorts, looks like you may have some competition.  I am assuming nothing can replace a warm body BUT this might be a less guilt inducing alternative.  The future is here, people. 

Side note, the FB comments were pretty funny!

P.S.  Skynet will be harvesting the "samples" to create a race of cybernetic organisms to destroy the human race.  Our horniness will be our downfall.  I think I just discovered the origin plot for the Terminator. 

Facebook you have gone too far!

Excuse you master of social media but I don't think that is anything I need or want to discuss with you.

I don't recall Googling ANYTHING that would have prompted this to pop up in my feed. The last thing I googled was flowers on sale on Zulily!  I just find this inappropriate on various levels.  Stupid web tracking bull$hit.  Also, that rose in the vag...really?!?!  Yea yea it's your "flower" or whatever but roses have thorns and I really wouldn't recommend putting a plant near your hoohah.

In other news...
I am reading this "story" and I swear my head may explode because it is so out there!  Not in a good way, in a "do you understand how the sex works" kind of way.  But I keep reading it because its like a f**king train wreck, I just can't look away.  I must know how this insanity ends!

I'll sum it up briefly.  Young girl (about 30) meets handsome-ish older man (about 56) and falls in love.  Okay THAT does NOT bother me.  What bothers me is he is 56, not on his deathbed!  The whole story seems to revolve around him being self conscious about his "aging" body, how he is past his prime and will die a horrible death leaving the girl all alone.  Okay yea, obvi he is MUCH older but come on, he ain't dead yet.  So like there is all this "old man" talk, like he has dementia (yes, I know it can happen young but good lord), he takes 10 pills twice a day for this insane list of issues which include but aren't limited to COPD, Anxiety & heart disease (yes, I know this can happen but really...at 56?, my dad is 64 with COPD and he is not like this.  Hell my father in law IS 56 and smokes just like this character and he looks like a strapping young man), this guy is basically decrepit.  

Then there is the sex thing.  When writing at least TRY to make it believable.  I get that its fiction/fantasy but when you say things like "he made her orgasm 6 times in a row with just his digits before burying himself in her" I put my iPad down and laugh hysterically.  Also, if a guy is 8 inches long and 4 inches wide while flaccid and then 10 inches long and 6 inches wide excited, jfc RUNAWAY......OW!  That is like split you in two kid of d**k.  That my friend is not normal!  That is porn star level c**k!  That isn't appealing...what that is...is terrifying!  It sounds like a case of elephantiasis.  I don't think there is any amount of slowness and breathing that could stretch ya for THAT!  Which brings me to, did she unhinge her f**king jaw?!!??!  Count me impressed...I guess.  I am hoping the writer did some conversions wrong because otherwise...YIKES!  Side note, if he is so "decrepit" then how is this exhaustive sex possible...hmmmm?


Moving on...he is also a royal @$$hole (I can deal with this a little) and he is possessive.  Not protective...POSSESSIVE..."she is mine...don't look at her...Grrrrrr!"  Is that romantic...is it....I don't find it to be but I...whatever.  Then there are these pretty awful depictions of gay couples.  Not as in gay bashing really but like stereotypical attributes.  Like one is the female and one is the male.  How gay men lust after every man they see.  How just because there are two single gay men in a room they instantly fall in love.  How ALL girls experiment in college making them all Bi for the remainder of their lives and want threesomes.  I kissed a girl...and I liked it (sorry, not sorry) but I don't think that makes me anything other than me.  Honestly its a bit unnerving.  And I think in trying to be "open-minded" they made this aging piece of $hit Bi.  That is fine but the descriptions of how he feels about men and women sound so juvenile my only conclusion is the writer HAS to be 12 (can you publish soft porn at 12?).  Yet, I continue to read it because I am clearly bonkers.  I just think at this point I must know how this insanity will end.  I have a feeling the old dude is going to kick the bucket because you know 56 is ANCIENT *rolling eyes* and his "baby" of a girlfriend is going to have to care for him like he is in a f**king hospice.

Rant over!

Maybe I am more innocent than I realized...

...I feel like as a whole we are all desensitized to basically everything.  There is almost no shock factor left.  "Oh look a mutilated body on a TV show" we should be horrified...instead many are like "Eh, that is so something I saw on the news yesterday." Me, "holy crap they just showed an intense love scene in a music video." The entertainment world, "we basically create critically acclaimed porn".

Moving on, anyone else noticing this warped sexual fantasy thing people seem to be delving into.  I am not knocking anyone.  It is all over TV and movies and BOOKS.  And some of it is kinda hot.  What ever floats your boat is fine by me as long as no one is harmed in the process and all parties are willing. I am more talking about the glamorization of abusive relationships masked as love with some spice (chains and whips, excite me).  Again not knocking the spicy part...I am knocking the  underlying abuse.  Like the things that should SCREAM bad relationship.

Its those books that are now a movie franchise.  Most of us have read them (I did).  Most of us were COMPLETELY in love with Mr. Sexy Crazy, well by the end of the 2nd book we were.  It was a guilty pleasure...an addiction...why were we so consumed?!?!  What most of us didn't do was reflect on what actually happened in the books and realize what an EFFED up person Mr. Sexy Crazy truly is.  I mean maybe you thought "well that's not normal" while reading but you immediately forgot that as he passionately slammed her against the elevator wall.  I am not innocent of these thoughts.  I read all three books in record time and was completely obsessed with the characters.  I gave them all 5 stars and raved about how amazing they were causing more people I know to read them.  It was like a drug you could pass along infinitely to your friends. 

After reading some questionable comments about them, I re-read the books thinking people were just stupid and didn't get it.  It was then that I realized this story is in fact terrible.  It promotes unhealthy relationships.  It encourages obsessive and unhealthy behaviors.  For gods sake there is a flipping contract...and it is DISTURBING to say the least, seriously go back and read it!  You are literally signing over your life and freedom to someone else...how did I not catch this in its entirety before?!?! Giving them permission to essentially torture you for sexual gratification.  I get we are going for ultimate submissive here but something just doesn't sit right.  He needs to control her (notice I said needs and not wants...there is a difference) because he was an abused adolescent...this isn't sexy...it is sad.  And the underlying message throughout is that she can see the "loving" side of him...she thinks she can change him...she thinks she can fix him...a baby can make it all better (well not at first)...that is why this is fiction...that rarely happens...I would say never but you should never, say never. 

Anyway, two consenting adults going into this contract situation whatever, to each his own.  But in the book she is so green and he totally doesn't care.  You can say he tried to run her off but he really didn't.  And she signed it with no real thought to it.   He BEAT her!  Does no one else remember that???  He spanked her so hard she had welts and couldn't sit at all because according to the contract she misbehaved and he had a right to show up at her apartment and lay hands on her...after she pretty much ran away from him.  (I may be mixing up chapters but this is how I remembered it.)Yea, yea she signed a contract but is that how it really works?!?

Not to mention she said "and he touched me 'there'" more than necessary.  I mean if we are going for the extreme sexual fantasy factor you might as well say clit or something.   "But NOLAGurl she is supposed to be innocent." Screw that I know "innocent" women who know how to use adult words.  If she said it once or twice at the beginning fine, but after that...COME ON!

I dunno...I read them, I am guilty of loving the books.  But once re-read they really do paint a rather disturbing portrait of the world of BDSM...and from what I gather not an entirely accurate portrait. I am sure there are healthier ways to have a dominant/submissive relationship than what is portrayed.  I am all for sexual exploration...this seems more like exploitation.

**UPDATE**
I saw something on Tumblr (hush) and I feel like both posts linked below kind of agree with what I am saying.  I don't know much about this actual lifestyle but anyways, see below.  Scroll down past the pics (which is the type of stuff I was talking about above) and see the "arguments". 

Post 1
Post 2

Drunk Dialings Bad, mmmk

Yea, we've all done it, HUSH!

The thing is I usually only drunk dial my friends...not last night, oh no I decided it was a good idea to drunk dial my internet guy. Who else here thinks that's a good idea...no one... ya sure? OK so here's the scoop.

Last night we went out for 4 of my friends birthdays. We decided to get them all done at once. So we went out to dinner. It was so much fun. We were just cutting up and talking about everything you could think of. I swear the older women next to us blushed a few times because of the topics of conversation, ah hem. Anyways at dinner we each had 2 martinis (yum). Then afterwards for some ungodly reason we decided we wanted to go hang out at a bar for a while.

So there we are drinking lots of beer and doing SHOTS, yes that's right I said shots. Who thinks its a good idea to do shots on a work night? Well evidently we thought it was a great idea last night :P. At some point my brain kicked in and I decided to check the time, it was 1AM... holy crap, I have to getup at 6am!!! So we all immediately left.

This is when my bright idea kicked in o_O. After dropping off one of the B-day girls I called my internet guy (at this point it was one fifteen in the morning). The funny part was that he actually answered, HA.

So we proceeded to have this "conversation"...let me rephrase that I proceeded to jabber and he laughed at me...A LOT. If you don't know I am a closed book when it comes to certain things. I do not talk openly about Sex, my sex life, etc etc etc with newbies. My girls, hell we have some crazy talks but new guy...yea not so much.

Well we had this talk...over the phone...while I was not drunk so to say but buzzing really good. Don't ask me how this came up but we talked about how many people we'd had SEX with, how long those relationships were, we talked about both being 'clean', the list goes on and on. At some point I made reference to the dress I was wearing and how I thought I needed help getting it off of me and I am pretty sure I asked for his assistance...seriously what was I thinking, haha. Anyways this morning when I crawled out of bed to go to work the converstaion came flooding back and well YEA I wanted to crawl in a hole, so I texted him saying "thanks for listening to my dumb ass last night, hope I wasn't too silly for you." He called, while I was driving to work. He is way too sweet, ahhhhhhhh. He said he loved talking to me and was glad I called. I told him I was so embarrassed (cuz I was) about the topics of conversation. He said I had nothing to be embarrassed about he said he was getting a kick out of me and thought it was adorable. OMG really?! He said he's kinda glad I talked about it while a little tipsy because it wasn't unconfortable at all, I was cracking jokes the whole time. Yáll know me I get goofy when I am "drunk". So he made me feel better so to say but I still feel like an A$$! I called this guy I actually kinda like and had a 30 minute converation with him about all kinds of sex stuff.

I am a goob! Haha.

I don't know what to think...

No really I'm a little confused!

OK so I went on yet another date with my Internet guy. He asked me to come over to his place to watch a movie/dinner. I was a little apprehensive about this one because we all know what most men think when a girl is coming over for the first time AND he lives with his mom and lil brother. I was trying to find every excuse in the book not to go. He somehow talked me into it!!!

I got there and I meet his mom and bro, which is WEIRD for me because I usually do not meet family members until we have been dating for a while. We've been talking since the very end of July and its only the beginning of September...not nearly long enough. Anyways, his mom had cooked. It was really good too. They left us to eat alone...so it was me him and their 3 little yippy dogs that barked at me the entire time. After we ate his mom was like I hope your not scared of them, I was like oh no, I have 3 VERY big dogs, ankle biters do not phase me - haha, its true!

A bit later he asked me if I wanted to go watch a movie...in his room. Can I just tell you how awkward that was for me?!? Its like "hey mom, I'm gonna take this girl you just met to my bedroom, k lata." I know, I know we are adults but its still uncomfortable. Not to mention what went through my head...we all know what goes on in the bedroom, ah hem.

We started watching a movie and I layed down the law REAL quick. He wasn't pushy or anything but he was a little touchy feely so, I figured I needed to make sure we were on the same page.

Don't get me wrong there was alot of making out but thats as far as it went. But then the weirdest thing happened. He looked at me, told me how much he liked me, how amazing he thought i was and wasn't sure how I felt but wanted to see if I wanted to take things to the next level. I think I gave him a funny look because he back tracked quickly and said "or we can get to know each other better and see what happens." I nodded to that part but I was confused. What was he talking about?!? Was he propositioning me for sex or was he asking me out? I really wasn't sure... I thought I made it clear sex was something that was out of the question...for a while, THATS a big step for me, especially if I like someone. So what was it, he never clarified what he was asking, he just snuggled up to me and we finished watching the movie.

I do not know what to think... any suggestions?!?!?!