It is still called abuse or bullying even if its by an older family member (your elder) even if you are an adult...right?

Its amazing I turned out half way sane.  I think my background in Psychology along with my common sense and mostly logical way of thinking has helped to heal most of the wounds but they can still be ripped open and it really freaking sucks. I am over 30, why is this happening???

Don't get me wrong I love my family dearly but I have a family member (or a few) that makes me remember why I left in the first place.  I didn't go far but I got away.  Had I not, I would not be in a good place.  And honestly I was scared to death to leave.  They did that to me.  I was 18 years old trying to figure out what to do with my life and they made me think that growing into a strong independent woman was a bad thing.  And I almost believed it.  I let them control me for so long.  It was almost as if I wasn't supposed to be me.  I now have the ability to think on my own.  They can't "brainwash" me anymore and that makes them angry.  There is no reasoning with them.  I don't know what else I can do. 

I am going to post a conversation below (actually two conversations that happened 3 weeks apart).  Its mean and it took all of my self control to be the bigger person for the most part (I failed a bit at that...I am human and I was getting really annoyed).  You don't have to read it...this is more for my mental release than anything but it will give you a glimpse into why I am the way I am.  Also...its really long so feel free to skip to the conclusion at the end. 

THREE WEEKS AGO:
Them: Did your bastard dad talk to you  about these papers ?
Me: Ummmmm what?
Them: Well assumed he didn't. They all are a lieing scrum if the earth. Your dad called me about why I did not sign papers. He was very bossy & pushy about it. Did not believe me when I told him bitch sec did not have them. I called you and told you what happened and that she did not know anything about it. She was supposed to call me back but never did. Now I am busy I have things going on and your dad seems to think I have all the time in the world and if i am doing something just drop what I am doing. This is what u had to live with when I was married to the ass. Him and his boss face family and I still can't get away from it. 

(I DIDN'T REPLY)

Them: Do have his number.
Me: ....I have his office number ***-****
Them: That is was I need. I will find out what happened.
Them: Home now!!! No one answered phone. Thought I share since your are more concerned about them being upset  then they up setting me. Thank you for number.
Me: I don't know what on earth you are mad at me for but I was at work and I wasn't involved in any of that bs.  I only said anything the two times dad called me. 
Them: Yes but you do remember me telling you about ____ & _____?
Me: I never talked to dad about it again after you told me that.  So yea I do but it was never brought up. 
Them: Ok NOLA Gurl!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Me: Again why are you mad at me.  I didn't not have the paper work, I didn't make it rain the one time you were ready to go and I don't control my dad or my uncle.  This has been lingering for a months....I don't really know how it's my fault
Them: You see you don't remember!!!!! She did not know about the papers and they  were not drawn up. She had to talk to him and call me back. I am not mad at you but Ian tired of being treated with disrespect and talked to like a dog from your dad. I wish I would have seen what people were telling and called off that wedding. She never called back so your dad is mad calls me up and talks to me like he is God! I am tired of getting blamed for the divorce and all there lies and poor sob stories on how innocent they are. If only I would have listened & not so ni eve.
Me: Well as wonderful as that revelation is it kind of makes the product of your loveless mistake of a marriage feel a little like crap, so yea thanks for that.  Sorry you feel that way but unfortunately it did happen and you can't change it.  I don't know how he speaks to you but I know he can be sarcastic at times but you need to not take him so seriously.  He called to find out why it wasn't done.  It's been months.  He isn't trying to swindle you into anything he is trying to remove the liability of the house from his name and and give you full control of it as should have been done a long time ago.  And yes I do remember but I haven't talked to dad about it in months so I never relayed that situation about the paperwork. 
Them: Well sorry you feel that way but on my end it was not loveless but a with your dad his love was not strong just wanted to have a good time with no ties. Now you know. That is why people knew I was going to be hurt just move on and heal. He didn't want any responsibility taking care of a family. I am sorry you feel the way you do and can't do anything about that you are a big girl so do and think what you want.
Me:  I have no idea what is happening.  I don't feel any way.  You are the one spewing regrets at me.  Regrets that if changed would involve me no longer existing so yea it's a tad insulting.  I think you need to calm down because if you go back and read this conversation you may realize how angry it is towards me...you know the one who didn't do anything.  Sorry you think dads an ass.  Don't know how to changed that.  But after this is signed you don't really have to deal with him again so that's a plus...right.
Them: Yes it is I think! I thought no more him after divorce and here we are almost 30 yrs later. What ever the answer is yes!

What the actual f**k happened?!?!?!  I tried to stay out of it but I was asked to find out what was going on because someone was avoiding phone calls...AGAIN.

THIS WEEK:
Me: Soooo I'm not trying to annoy you or piss you off or "take sides" but you really should go sign that paper when you get a free moment.......
Them: What the hell are you talking about!
Me: Right so getting mad, my kindness didn't work.  Okay.... I didn't know if you had had time to sign the paper...dad mentioned it in passing last night.....
Them: You already made up your mine about taking sides. They have you so up against your mother and grandparents . You used to take up for us now we just get thrown under the bus like trash. You saw your demon dad last night or he called you?
Me: Okay.....  He called about thanksgiving.  Told me he saw uncle on his bday and mentioned the paper. 
Them: Ok so when was his birthday? (HOW IS THAT RELEVANT????)
Me: Wednesday....
Them:  Oh ok so you what did your dad tell you last night and why is he so much in a rush? Did (someone else who isn't relevant) sign his for (another person not relevant to this conversation)? I don't get the big rush!!!!!!!! It's been almost 30 yrs he walked out on his family and hung on to the house. He had 30 yrs to do this 😕.
Me: I don't know what you are trying to get me to say.  And yes...it is 100% in her name since before I was in High school I think. 
Why would you still want his name on it? It's the same as when I was trying to get my ex off of mine bc I didn't want him to still be able to get money from a house I'd been paying on.   And he ended up getting money off of my tragedy bc I couldn't get him to sign the damn thing. 
I don't know what really brought it about , he probably looked at his portfolio or something and realized it was never taken care of. 
Them: I am not trying to make you say anything just trying to make you see how they are. I will say again he had almost 30 yrs to do this but did not. Now you told me when this first started that (person not relevant) was having a hard time with (other person not relevant to this conversation) signing the papers. Not She had it done in the 90's. You have told me so many stories about things that were not true I don't when your telling the real story. You have no respect for me or my family. I am tired of you stepping on me and saying things about us that is not true. You have gotten too high & mighty for me. I never raised that way. I was poor and still poor and you are embarrassed of me. I am sorry you feel this way. (other people not relevant to this conversation) help me out and that is what keeping going. You go on being with the people that have money you seem to like it but I don't and never will that is why I stuggled to make sure you got your education and social life so you would not have that I will never see in this life time.

That last one is 100% delusional.  I don't know where it came from.  I just stopped responding.  All I did was ask about a piece of paper that needs to be signed...and I got this f**king crazy.  And watch....in a day or two I'll get a call or a text like none of this $hit happened....

This is what I grew up with.  This is what I was taught.  This is why I stay AWAY.

I watched 13 Episodes in 3 days...and I still managed to leave my house - Part 2

I reviewed this over here....well I say review...this is more of a pouring my brain into a blog post....its a bit silly.....at the other blog.  But its me so I am posting it here too.

Jessica Jones

I watched 13 Episodes in 3 days...and I still managed to leave my house - Part 1

I reviewed this over here...at the other blog.  But its me so I am posting it here too.

Jessica Jones

Don't be an @$$hole, don't be an @$$hole, don't be an...ah crap...

How to make a sarcastic person insane...you don't get the sarcasm.  Ahhhhhh, so frustrating.  I can understand when I say something cryptic...sometimes people don't catch it.  But when it is OBVIOUS I am being silly...oh god I can barely contain the jerk response.  I think my inner goddess is House. 

This all happened on social media (shocking).  I had two people answer my sarcastic "question" within seconds of me posting it...okay fine whatever.  But my BFF rescued me by adding an additional sarcastic comment making my goofiness blatant.  Her comment with my comment made the whole scenario crystal clear, we were being facetious.  I still got three more replies answering my "question".  Newsflash people I knew the answer.  I was making fun of the news outlets that got it WRONG.

It took all of my self control to not post this.

And I am still debating if I should just do it.  Because it has been a few days and I've received MORE replies.  *whoosa whoosa*

It's November 20th, OMG!!!!

Why is this exciting?  It's not...unless you are me...or people like me....who like the things I like *big cheesy smile*

I don't know how I am going to function tomorrow.  I have to be at a race at 7:30AM, meaning I have to get up really flipping early.  Why is this a problem?  Weeeeeeeellll *tugging ear* you see there is this show (shut up) that I might have mentioned I have been REALLY wanting to watch.  And *fiddling with hair* itrealeasedonNetflixtoday.  Ahhhhhh, I'm so excited, I'm shaking like a chihuahua.

There is a high probability I will binge watch a ridiculous amount of episodes once I am released from my supplier of funds necessary to live (also necessary to afford an internet package and Netflix). 

Netflix CLEARLY knows my patterns...

*thud* sorry, might have fallen off the chair.  Those suckers just roll away if you aren't careful!

At first I thought "oh its cause its a new show" then I realized I don't get notifications for all the other "new shows"...just the ones that involve Sci-Fi, Fantasy, and Superheros.  *ehhhh hehehehe*

So that's all...that's why I am a bouncing ball of energy.  Maybe I shouldn't have had that 3rd cup of coffee. 

It's amazing what can trigger buried memories & emotions

I don't know if these could be considered PTSD but they weren't fun. 

Example 1:
When I was a teenager I was in a car wreck.  A bad car wreck.  A wreck where you looked at the vehicle and wondered how anyone much less all four passengers survived with minor injuries.  I had zero memory of the actual wreck.  I hit my head extremely hard, breaking the back window and cutting my scalp.  I don't remember much until a few hours later in the ER.  About a month or so after said wreck I went with my BFFs to see "I know what you did last summer".  There is a scene at the beginning where they hit the guy.  There was glass breaking, metal crunching and squealing tires.  I freaked out.  I had a panic attack in the movie theater and started crying.  Those sounds triggered my memory of the night.  After I remembered everything I was terrified of riding in the backseat, especially the drivers side.  As the years passed the fear diminished and eventually mostly went away all together.  I still get antsy when riding in the back but I can control it.  But to this day when I hear and/or see a wreck whether in person or in a TV Show/Movie my breathing speeds up, my heart starts pounding and I have to talk myself down.  Its not debilitating like it once was but it still exists 18 years later. 

Example 2:
So its been 8 years since my stupid ex did stupid things.  I'm over it, he's over it.  We are amicable.  We aren't friends so to say but there is no more bad blood.  I recently realized I avoid certain movies/tv shows because of the stupid things that happened .  Especially ones that are based around cheating and/or breaking up.  I didn't realize I was doing it.  I am happily married to an amazing man why would this still bother me?  My only conclusion is because deep down that whole situation really f**ked up head and I am "secretly" terrified it will happen again. 

I didn't even know I felt this way until Tuesday.  Tuesday was NCIS day.  I watch NCIS, I like NCIS.  I adore Bishop and her cutesy relationship with her hubby.  They seem to go together so well.  She is so understanding of him.  He is going through a hard time.  She voices this to him, how she knows he is in a difficult place but she is there for him.  He blurts out hes f**king his co-worker.  Bishop walks out...she seems numb.  Meanwhile I am literally a blubbering mess on my couch.  All of that stupid hurt and pain came flooding back in.  I could relate to Bishop.  I was the understanding fiance and *blam* he blurts out he has "feelings" for another girl.  He swore nothing happened...but the story changed over time.  It sucked...I NEVER want to ever experience that again.  Which I am assuming that is why that scene triggered such a crazy emotional response from me. 

Trying to put down others for what they put on Facebook, but not being intelligent enough to realize you are part of the group you are trying to cut down

Soooooooooooooooooooooooo why would you post this?!!?!?!?  You changed your profile pic to the first filter.  I distinctly remember you having the rainbow one.  You just called YOURSELF out.  I am offended (hahaha, hehehehe, *snort*) because I changed my pic.  Okay not really...I could give a $hit what they think.  I am not clueless but it made me feel better to show some semblance of support after such a horrible crime.  Who cares if someone jumps on that bandwagon.  It is a kind gesture.  If you don't want to do it I am not judging you and I don't think different of you.  BUT I am judging this person right now because this is hilarious stupidity. 

I'm offended, that you are offended by that thing that isn't offensive

Everyone needs to grow a set...thicken their skin...quit looking for something to be offended by.  Stop being so unnecessarily confrontational.  Not everything that is said, written, depicted, whatever is meant to piss you off.  Yea somethings are directed at specific "groups" and I get being put off by that.  But many things, even those done in a tasteless manner, are not directed at you or your people or your gender or whatever.  STAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHP!

So I read this quote somewhere by a certain famous person about a certain PSYCHOTIC character he is playing.

"It’s a fascinating character, and it’s a fascinating thing to be handed, to kind of unpick. If that was your lot in life, if everything you requested was given to you, then how would you cope with that? Would you be able to maintain any kind of moral integrity? I don’t know if many of us would, frankly. So I felt a certain sympathy for Kilgrave, certainly more sympathy than everyone else who just seems to think he’s a bastard!"

—	David Tennant, The Scotsman interview

I understand what he is saying...there is absolutely nothing offensive about it.  But the "easily offended" (people looking to start $hit just for the sake of starting $hit) are losing their f**king minds...

They are saying the most bizarre things.  Surely they must be joking...right?  Guess...not...on various boards and discussions, I've read that he is now sympathetic towards rapists (what?!).  That he is understanding of domestic violence (What?!?!).  The list of things he is now "supportive" of was exhaustive and 100% ridiculous (WHAT!?!!?!).  I am certain some were trolls messing with the idiots posting this ridiculousness but come on.  Are you people f**king mental?!?! I've not met the man but I've seen interviews and read about other people's encounters.  I have  REALLY hard time believing he would be any of those things.  Also at least read ALL of the interview before you say anything.... ya dumb@$$e$...*grumble, grumble*.  Not to mention, I seem to recall other speculations being "said" after other roles were announced or whatever.  

Its a job.  He is giving his opinion on a character he is portraying.  It is FICTIONAL!  He is an actor (apparently a really good actor).  He is not actually the Doctor, he is not actually DI Hardy, he is not actually Kilgrave, etc, etc, etc.  He is a real person, with a real life that has little correlation with those roles except acting the part when needed.  You people are just looking for something to b**ch about.  Get over yourself and just enjoy the array of characters he brings to life....even the creepy, give you nightmares one.

I know other actors are "accused" of the same kinds of stuff  because of varying roles and it isn't okay to do it to them either...good lord people learn the difference between reality and fiction.  

UPDATE - Watch This all the way to the end.  It's only 2 minutes-ish. 

Alright, I've avoided the topic for 3 days...but I saw something...

I'm not going to go on a rant.  I'm not going to discuss much of anything really.   I am going to say, I am heart broken and horrified at the appalling attacks in Paris.  The blatant disregard for human life is sobering.  Why?  That is the only question I have.  Why?  So many innocent people.  So many who just went out for an evening of fun who will never go home again.  So many who may be permanently injured (physically and/or mentally) because they went to a Soccer Match or Concert or just Dinner.  This isn't about religion or politics or whatever.  These people had nothing to do with those things, they just happen to be citizens (and some tourists) of the country attacked.  These were cold hearted mass murders.  It makes me weep for humanity and never want to leave my house. 

I was out and about Friday when I got the alerts.  And while we were informed the U.S. wasn't under immediate threat of an attack, there was an increased police presence where we were.  We went to a live show and everyone was being overly cautious and seemed nervous.  Who is to say we wouldn't be targeted next...how can you possibly know.  That theater holds 4,000 people plus staff.  At first we were confused why they wouldn't let us in.  We weren't allowed in the venue until just under 40 min before the show.  Then they wouldn't let us go to our seats until 10 minutes before.  I've been to shows here before...this was a little weird.  I figured maybe the entertainers were running late but that still didn't make a lot of sense.  All I can think was they were being cautious...its a national touring show...better safe then sorry, right?  Everyone always thinks "it will never happen here..." until it does. 

Anyways, this song has always been special to me...more so now than ever I guess.

Imagine by John Lennon

Imagine there's no heaven
It's easy if you try
No hell below us
Above us only sky
Imagine all the people living for today

Imagine there's no countries
It isn't hard to do
Nothing to kill or die for
And no religion too
Imagine all the people living life in peace, you

You may say I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope some day you'll join us
And the world will be as one

Imagine no possessions
I wonder if you can
No need for greed or hunger
A brotherhood of man
Imagine all the people sharing all the world, you

You may say I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope some day you'll join us
And the world will be as one

I know this isn't the only thing that has happened recently...bad things happen everyday...there have been irrational acts of terror across the world.

Spider clan, spider clan...does whatever a spider clan does...

...like reproduce...and leave its sack of off spring dangling above my front door *nervous laughter*.

Right so...yea.  Um. Okay.  So the other half is out of town...meaning its just me if you don't count the dogs and cats.  Anyway, I got home from makin groceries when I noticed a white glob above the door.  *hmmmm* "well that's odd".  It was dusk and I really couldn't see well so I thought it was rubbish that got stuck from the wind storm we had.  Oh ho ho no, I couldn't be that lucky.

So after I got all the groceries inside I went to investigate.  It was in the upper corner (well out of my shorty reach) so I had to get kinda close to see it. with my phone light  At this point I realized it looked like...silk.  "Ummmmm, WTF, over".   It also looked to be hidden behind a fine webbing *crap crap crap*. 

Logical Brain: Its a cocoon...you know like a butterfly
Paranoid Brain: Its the f**king egg sack of the mother of all arachnids!  Someone call the Doctor, we have a Racnoss infestation.  
Logical Brain: Quit watching so much Sci-Fi, its just a cocoon. 
Paranoid Brain: Ahhhhhhhhhhhh *whimper, whimper*

So of course I have to get rid of this or fear being the first meal of these lovelies.  What does any logical being do...?

Which is exactly what I did.  I heard a crunch like sound...and then it MOVED.  You know that creepy "Oh my god something is slithering under the surface" move.

I crept back to it and managed to detach it from the door frame with my "trusty" stick...all the while going "OMG omg omg, ewwww, ahhhhh, *sobbing*".  All I could picture was f**king arachnophobia!!!  You know that barn scene *shudder*. 

It detached with a pop and crashed to the ground. It was worming around so I, uh, I...dropped a boot on it.  And it immediately burst open releasing a gazillion tiny spiders onto my car port.

I tapped danced on a few and sprayed RAID on the rest.  I think I need an exterminator...my solutions aren't working...I need an adult...I am clearly adulting wrong....someone help me!

After I finished murdering the babies I heard laughter.  "WTF" *peeks around corner*.  My neighbor was outside BBQ-ing and saw my antics.  God help me if he ever starts recording me...

Spiders are intelligent...they are plotting my demise so they can have my house

Right...so lately I've mentioned my house is the real life set of Arachnophobia.  I really feel like I should start charging rent...or at the very least utilities.  I'll give them a discount if they continue eating critters I don't want around and leave me alone.  But I am getting concerned that we may be past the point of "oh look I have a few spiders" to "you do realize this is their house now?" 

Moving on, I've learned over the years that your vehicle is considered an extension of your property.  Apparently arachnids have learned this as well.  Anyways, I was driving when I turned and was in direct line with the sun.  So I of course pulled down my visor...I squeaked and promptly flipped it right back up.

What had happened was there was a massive brown spider just a chillin on it.  I was going about 75MPH and decided having THAT creature fall on me while driving would probably be bad...mmmkay.  So I "calmly" waited until I got to my 1st destination to investigate further.

To make myself feel better I kept saying "its CLEARLY dead. It has to be dead.  It didn't move when I moved the visor....its DEAD!" Again, I am not scared of spiders but it was HUGE and brown and all I could think of was a brown recluse and I was freaking out a bit because those are no bueno!  So I got to where I was going and "calmly" got out of the car.  I picked up a tissue and moved the visor.  The spider was still in the same spot not moving.

Oh thank god!  He IS dead *whew*.  So I leaned in to pick it up.  This is the point where he decided he was NOT in fact dead and jumped at my face.

I spazzed out so bad.  I mean I REALLY hope that cop behind me did not have his dash cam on because I fear I will be on one of those "hahaha moron" shows.  Here is what happeend.

It jumped
I jumped
I hit my head on the roof of my car
I bent over in pain
I realized that mother f**ker was still on my neck
I re-spazzed

I flung it off of me...back into my car

It landed on the driver's seat
I lunged for it to kill it/get it out of my car
It backed away and REARED up (you know like front legs and FANGS in the air)

I hesitated
It ran into the mechanical hinge of my seat
*blgrablgph ahhhh* I hung my head in defeat

So now what???  I tried finding it with no luck...he is obviously good at hiding.  So I reluctantly got back in my car to drive to my next destination.  What if he surprises me while I am driving again?!?!?!  I am fairly certain it was a Southern House Spider...I think.

No but really what would you do if you saw an extra large one of these right in front of your face???

There ain't nothing petite about dat @$$

So I am small...but I am not...does that make any sense???  I am an XS/S/0/2 in tops and FLOWY dresses...I am a M/L/4/6 in pants, skirts and fitted dresses.  The problem with the fitted dresses is if I get one that fits my top, my @$$ looks like it's trying to orchestrate a prison break...if I get one that fits my bottom, I look like I left my boobs at home. 

And I am not pear shaped...I do not look like Kim K...you would think that is my shape based on what I just said...but I am not.  It is 100% my butt and that is basically IT! My hips/thighs/waist are still fairly small.  I have a super bubble butt.  (*superman theme playing* It flies off at night while I am sleeping to rid the world of mermaid dresses and -4 size pants. *he he he*) I literally have to buy things to fit my bootay which means the waist and thighs are usually baggy.   To say I have a badonkadonk is misleading, I have a "dayum" but only from the side.  From the front I look almost petite, from the back you can see dat @$$ but its camouflaged.  From the side it is *BAM*. 

I went shopping recently and one of my sisters from another mister argued with me about my "size" in clothing.

F: OMG try on this dress!
M: Sweetie that is petite
F: You ARE petite
M: No, I'm really not
F: Try on the f**king dress
M: *sigh* fine

***ten minutes later***

M: Haaaaalp!  Can some one help me out of this, I think I am stuck
F: Oooooh, yea there ain't nothing petite about dat @$$
M: *grumbles* Yes, I know...

But I digress...I really feel like it talks to people.  It's like "Heeey boo, yea you like that *jiggle, jiggle*" and I am oblivious until I hear someone suck their teeth and say "Heeeey gurl, *mmmm*".  WTF?!? Bad butt, stop that!  *turns around in circle fussing* And I am not wearing revealing clothes (not that it would make that kind of response more acceptable)...it's just everything fits my @$$ like a f**king glove.  Jogging pants (you know the tight legging things)...good GOD!  Most of my shirts hang just below the butt BUT when  you are running they ride up a bit giving everyone behind me an unobstructed view of my jiggly bits (on me its the butt...the boobs don't really move much...). 

I'm starting to develop a complex.  Oh well, at least its firm-ish. 

Ever have a song slap you in the face?

Yea, I know I seem to have a strange connection to music at times but some songs just speak to me.  So a while back I somehow got the Katy Perry album Prism for free.  I was happy about it.  I like her sometimes and I knew a few of the songs so "Yay". 

Anyways as I've said recently my little pink iPod nano is on the fritz so I have to keep it on shuffle.  Of course with 2000 songs who knows what you are going to get.  So imagine my surprise when I heard this song and almost cried....almost...not quite.  Moving on, I was driving to podunk Louisiana for an appointment at the butt crack of dawn listening to music.  I wasn't paying close attention but I heard this part "Looked in the mirror and decided to stay.  Wasn't gonna let love take me out. That way".

At this point I woke up enough to realize I needed to restart this song.  I listened to it 3 times.  You don't understand...this song happened to me.  It described MY LIFE, even down to the age.  Not my age now...but my age when my entire world went to $hit.  I was only 27...or already 27 (depending on how you want to look at it). I was engaged and had a house and everything was great until it wasn't.  And the only reason I was able to pick up the pieces of my broken life was because of my friends (they are like my sisters).  Without them, I don't know what would have happened to me.  The song is called "By the Grace of God" and while I have my moments of anti-religion, this song spoke/speaks to me.

Here are the lyrics...if I didn't know any better, I'd swear they were taken from my diary.

Katy Perry - By The Grace of God

Was 27 surviving my return to Saturn
A long vacation didn't sound so bad
Was full of secrets locked up tight like iron melting
Running on empty, so out of gas

Thought I wasn't enough and I wasn't so tough
Laying on the bathroom floor
We were living on a fault line
And I felt the fault was all mine
Couldn't take it any more

By the grace of God (there was no other way)
I picked myself back up (I knew I had to stay)
I put one foot in front of the other and I
Looked in the mirror and decided to stay
Wasn't gonna let love take me out
That way

I thank my sister for keeping my head above the water
When the truth was like swallowing sand
Now every morning
There is no more morning oh I
Can finally see myself again

I know I am enough
Possible to be loved
It was not about me
Now I have to rise above
Let the universe call the bluff
Yeah the truth will set you free

By the grace of God (there was no other way)
I picked myself back up (I knew I had to stay)
I put one foot in front of the other and I
Looked in the mirror and decided to stay
Wasn't gonna let love take me out

That way no
There ain't no
Not in the name of love
In the name of love (in the name of love)
That way
There ain't no
I'm not giving up

By the grace of God
I picked myself back up
I put one foot in front of the other and I
Looked in the mirror (looked in the mirror)
Looked in the mirror (looked in the mirror)

By the grace of God (there was no other way)
I picked myself back up (I knew I had to stay)
I put one foot in front of the other and I
Looked in the mirror and decided to stay
Wasn't gonna let love take me out
That way

Selfish...me? I don't think that word means what you think it means.....

Okay so its a rant (kind of), get ready or don't read further.  I have two short scenarios that made my blood boil.



1.  FAMILY member asking me quietly about babies and whatnot (I am okay with this...this doesn't bother me).  FAMILY member taking my niece from my aunt and putting her in my arms so I could get then envie.  While I adore her...WTH people?!? FAMILY member asking if we were at least trying.  Me saying yes.  Them saying well maybe you need to seek other methods (IVF).  While I wouldn't be opposed to that IF I had more money, I am opposed to it right now, its f**king expensive!  And insurance pays for NONE OF IT here in LA.  Family member calling me SELFISH for not wanting to go further into debt to conceive.  How the f**k is that being selfish!?!?  Reproducing is not required.  I want yes but I don't want enough to have to file for bankruptcy!  If I come into some funds then maybe or maybe I'll use them to pay for adoption fees.  Whatever the case may be opting to not do IVF because of financial stability is not being f**king SELFISH!  What good is getting preggo if I don't have a house or car or money to raise a baby!?!?!




2. Me relaying the above story to an acquaintance.  Not a BFF or family but a friend in some ways (an acquaintance after this ridiculousness).  The response was "well I can't say anything because I CAN  have babies".  Me true but I just...its not something that happens for many without assistance.  The response "I don't know why.  I had babies so easy. All I did was think about a baby and poof I was pregnant".  Right.  This is true I have some family members like this.  I know its easy for many but some of US *emphasis on the US* (hello me, me...you know your "friend" who you KNOW has issues) can't without help so it would be great if insurance would at least pick up some of the tab.  The response "No they shouldn't do that.  Then our premiums would go up just because some chick was defective".  *gob smacked* Riiiight.  *thinking* So by your standards should insurance not pay for people with chronic illness too?!?!?!  *said* Well insurance is still stupid and I hate that ours is now 60/40 instead of 80/20.




I just found BOTH of these scenarios rude and insensitive.  Everyone can have an opinion but if you KNOW someone is having a problem conceiving, both of the above are probably not things you should say TO THEM.  Asking questions is one thing but this was just beyond unkind.

I can't be the only who who dies of the same embarrassing moment over and over again...right?!?!

Look, I embarrass myself regularly. I usually make a funny and its forgotten.  But there are some instances where I relive the moment of stupidity over and over and over again.  And I am not talking about "oh yesterday I did something silly" *shrug*.   I am talking about driving in my car listening to the radio and *BAM* I am back in college saying something absolutely moronic to my then boyfriend.  Or singing in the shower and *ZAP* it's 10 years ago and I am at my friends wedding drunker than Cooter Brown (I didn't do anything that stupid but I hate being not in control).  Maybe the memory flash of that time I drank too much wine and said something horribly insulting a friend couple of mine.  And I didn't mean it like it came out.  I hadn't eaten and my thoughts were scattered so I couldn't brain properly.  Or how about when I randomly remember that I actually wanted to STAY with the dumb@$$ that punched the wall next to my face...what on Earth was I thinking?!?!?! *ugh* I hate remembering that one. 

I just don't get it.  How do people permanently put embarrassing moments behind them???  Or are they like me, they look all whatever on the surface but under the facade they are cringing at the memory of that stupid thing they did/said in High School. How many times will I be overcome with "OMG I can't believe I said that" or moments of "God, I was so stupid!" There are sometimes weeks between my "memories" other times it is hours.  But all of them are 100% unexpected.  Meaning they come completely out of LEFT FIELD. 

Does anyone else want to crawl under a rock when this happens?  Because 90% of the time my memory triggers that gut dropping feeling of utter disappointment in my ability to be semi normal.  What's funny is I am almost certain my stupid moment(s) isn't remembered by anyone other than myself.  Maybe my subconscious just likes to beat me up from time to time.  You know to make sure I don't have too much confidence in myself. 

You made me sound like uncultured swine, not cool man...!

Okay so I get all kinds of calls on my phone...it is the nature of my job.  And as I've stated before because of the weird way our office phones forward to our cell phones it always looks like I am getting calls from across the world.

So my phone rang and it said Warrington, England.  I answered...clearly its one of those weird forward situations.  I said "This is NOLA Gurl" and a ridiculously proper English accent responded.  I almost dropped my phone.  Alright, whose f**king with me today?!?  So I pulled the phone away from my ear and realized it was not a forwarded call.  Then I hear, "hello....hello...Miss???" in a very concerned English accent.  Right...okay brain start working! 

Me: Hi.......
Caller:  Hello Ms NOLA Gurl, it is a pleasure to make your acquaintance.
Me: Hi.....................
Caller: I'm Thomas from *insert company I created an account for yesterday*
Me: Oh, oh *giggle* hello.
Caller:  Yes, well I couldn't help but notice you created two items on our platform but never completed the order.  One appears to be for your American holiday of Thanksgiving and the other a wonderfully creative Christmas item.
Me: Uh huh....
Caller:  Well you see, I would like to inquire if there was an issue with the platform that caused you to not wish to continue.
Me: Oh, no no, it worked great.  I just need approval before I continue.
Caller: Oh, splendid! Well then, would it be beneficial to you if forwarded you additional information related to our products to get to your higher ups?
Me:  Yea, sure that would be wonderful
Caller: *verifying my email* *pronounces my insanely ridiculous French last name perfect on the first try* Is that correct?
Me: *jaw drop*
Caller: Miss?
Me: Yes, yes that.  Um yes, that is correct.
Caller: Splendid, well Ms. *pronounces my last name perfectly again* it has been an immense pleasure speaking with you. Please do not hesitate to contact me should a question arise when placing your order.
Me: Yes, thank....thank you.

*click*

Imagine getting a call from Tom Hiddleston...that's really all I could think after he said his name was Thomas!  Stupid nerd brain being stupid. 

W.T.F. just happened?!?!  How did I end up on the phone sounding like a moron with someone from England?!!?!? And who says splendid?!?!?  So I went check the website I was on and sure enough they are based out of the U.K.  I didn't even realize it!  Not that it matters.  It is a digital product I was looking into, I was just culture shocked I guess. 

Look I work in Louisiana...9 times out of 10 I am on the phone with some Cajun who speaks in Southern/Cajun speak. Ya know bastardized English....so I was caught a bit off guard. And NO ONE, I mean NO ONE who doesn't know me personally has EVER pronounced my last name correctly on the first try...without stuttering...that just shorted out my brain *ugh* I am such a goober!

Side Note - He called me at 3:00PM my time...that's what....9:00PM their time.  He was waaaaaay too chipper to be working at a call center at 9:00PM!!!

I immediately regret my decision to google that...

So I am reading a book and in the book one of the "nerdy" characters is said to always say "Shazbot" when something goes wrong.  You know like you would normally say $hit or ¢rap.  I recognized the term but I couldn't place it so I Googled it... and now I want to claw my eyes out!!!

Shazbot is ancient sex maneuver invented by Egyptians on slaves when the pyramids would not be finished in time. Egyptians would grab gooseberries of slave and begin to slowly massage until fruit explosion. The resulting mess was called shazbot.

What...WHAT....WHAAAT!?!??!  Ahhhhh my eyes!!! Right I get it...I think...internet trolls right?!?!  Like this really wasn't a thing...right?!?!  I am leaning towards internet trolls, bunch of @$$holes....but oddly amusing. 

Further down the page I found what I was actually looking for.  It was an exclamation usually said by Mork from Mork and Mindy...you know Robin Williams being hilarious.  That is where I knew it from!  I used to watch reruns of Mork and Mindy all the time. That was some funny $hit!
Nanu nanu and whatnot.

How does one acquire a ghost????

I mean I know there are hauntings brought on by history, sudden death, and playing with Ouija boards but do they sometimes randomly occur.  Like does a ghost go floating down the street and say "Hey, that looks like a fun house to scare the $hit out of the young lady living there"???

Why do I ask?  Well, because Halloween night (shut it, I know its cliche but its what happened) things, uh, happened and I was home...ALONE.   

So I was sitting in the dark watching "Halloween " (I know, I know more cliche) trying to ignore the thunderstorm outside, when I heard some scuffling from the back bedroom.  I figured it was a cat using the litter pan.  Until I realized both felines were happily perched behind me on the couch.  "Ah, must be a bad dog...", and they are both by my feet staring at the hallway.  $hit!  So I crept down the hall with two anxious dogs, a metal thermos full of water, and a scissors (they were the only weapons I had at my fingertips).

Upon investigation my house was secure and completely free of intruders & rodents (I hope).  THe noise had stopped.  So we went back to watching scary movies (not my best idea).

A while later I heard a loud crash from the same back area *high pitched scream*, oh that was me, ha...ha...ha.  Sounded like something fell.  The dogs are going ape $hit.  Dammit cats! *turns around* both cats are staring at the hallway.  OMG, I need an adult...wait I am an adult....I need an older adult *wah*.

Another investigation revealed my lamp on the floor.  "Alright Casper, knock it off!".  I found nothing else amiss and the windows and doors were still secured.

Sometime later watching "The Rocky Horror Picture Show" live performance on BBC America and I hear a loud static/blaring noise from the back.  Okay THAT is not a feline or a canine.  WTF is that?!?!  I sent convict to investigate (what?!), as I followed I saw the glow of the TV in my bedroom *so this it how it ends*.  My discovery was the TV in my room on but the image was stuck because my cable company sucks and sent me shoddy equipment.  Meaning it was making this awful noise while displaying a frozen image of Freddy from Nightmare on Elm Street (I was watching that earlier in the day while I cleaned).  Are you f**king kidding me?!?!  It couldn't get stuck on a f**king commercial.  No, of course not!

 *turns off TV* *hides remote in drawer* *unplugs cable box*

Nothing else happened but I sure as $hit didn't want to go sleep in my room!  I did eventually...like at 2AM...and I left the TV on because I am an adult...and I made the animals snuggle with me...because I am in fact an adult.

My logical side says the scuffling I heard was bushes and trees blowing in the wind and hitting the house/windows.  I mean that COULD sound like it was coming from inside *manic giggles*

The lamp falling was a freak thing...it was on the edge and just slipped when the thunder crashed *wringing hands*

The TV thing was...I mean CLEARLY we had a power surge and it flipped on...right....RIGHT?!!?! *nervous laughter*


In conclusion I need to stop watching "My Haunted House" because it is OBVIOUSLY fueling my already over active imagination!!!!!!