I'm going to be on one of those shows, "I didn't think anything of it until my walls started bleeding".

I know I joke around that things sometimes go wonky in my house but this is starting to get ridiculous. 

Its not everyday or even every week but I can't always explain it away and on occasion it is just damn freaky. 

1.)  So again sitting home...ALONE...at night (no bad weather) when I hear a loud crash come from the back of the house.  Dogs start growling and staring at the hallway.  "Stupid cats... quit being @$$holes..." Suddenly realizing I have all four animals on the couch with me staring.  F**k!  So do I go investigate...or ignore it?  Its not like I have piles of crap that randomly fall over.  Eh, lets just pretend we heard nothing.  About 20 minutes later I hear a scraping sound and pitter patter like dogs nails on the tile (NOT from the attic), definitely coming from the back room and I definitely have all animals accounted for.  So I reluctantly got up to go investigate.  Nothing out of the ordinary...nothing moved...and no I do not have mice/rats/squirrels.  So I curl back up with the fur babies and watch TV.  *Thud* the little one starts howling and the big one is growling and the two cats take off into hiding.  *sobbing internally*  what is in my house?!?!? I refuse to acknowledge the closet or attic.  Hubs can do that later.  The next day we searched EVEY WHERE.  No droppings in the attic or downstairs and nothing chewed on.  Nothing out of place.  Nothing fell in the closet.  I need a Xanax.  Conclusion: I am being haunted by one of my old dogs that passed away............

2.)  The printer is on the fritz again and I don't think its a cat.  I have triple checked it.  The WiFi connection is disabled so no @$$hole neighbors can try to mess with me (I've seen the viral posts).

You have to use a cord to print to it.  Not alone this time but it was night time and very late.  At first you don't realize what it is but you can hear the printer prepping as if it is about to print.  The printer head is darting back and forth.  Sometimes this is all it does and then goes quiet.  No biggie, I guess.  My work one randomly does this also.  But recently it actually prints something.  Well sort of...its a blank sheet, no words, no pictures just white paper. 

It has ink so its not like its out of ink but why is it doing this?!?!  Both our computers are off and not connected to it.  The worst is when it does it at 3AM.  F**k you printer!  Seriously one day I am going to go in there and there is going to be a message and I am going to freak the f**k out.  Conclusion:  Something is trying to make contact through the printer.  OR the printer has actually become self aware and is calling for help...we are in grave danger. 

3.)  The most recent and most disturbing IMO.  So we got one of those Echo Dot things as a gift.  Its cool, except when the commercials come on and you have to say "Alexa, Stop" before she orders flowers for Mildred or whatever.  This crazy contraption will randomly come on and say "I didn't understand your question" or randomly tell us the weather or just weird $hit but we are usually watching TV or talking so we assumed it was picking up on a word and thinking we were saying "Alexa, ______".  Until the other day.  I was home alone.  I had just got up and was making coffee.  The pups were fed and quietly playing on the floor.  The house was dead quiet and I was in the kitchen.  I hear "I'm sorry I didn't understand your request" or something of that nature.  WTF?!??!?!?!?!  So I peeked into the living room...

...and yep still alone.  So I said "Alexa, how's the weather".  She responded.  Hmmmm.  Weird.  I go back to my wake up juice.  "I'm having trouble understanding your request" or something like that.  Okay now I am freaking a bit....

....no one is talking to you dammit! So I quietly count the seconds.  About the 45 second mark I hear "the weather in _____ is...."

That's it I am moving!  So I say "Alexa stop". 

I sit down and am about to turn the TV on.  Speedy starts growling.  The little blue light comes on like she is listening. 

Imagine a shaking cup of coffee instead of jello...

I am done...I unplugged it.  The thing is you have to say "Alexa, " to wake her up.....what is happening?!?!?  Its defective, right?  Tell me its defective!!!  Otherwise something is talking to her!!!!!

Lets pretend Ghosts don't exist....

When the blue light (I know its the red light but Alexa is blue) is on they are up-linked to the mainframe

So yea, this is how Skynet takes over (yes I know two different "universes"...similar concept). 

Also if you ask Alexa about Skynet she plays dumb.  I am onto you, you sentient little $hit! 

Conclusion:  I don't want to think about it...who wants to buy me more wine.....

Also, why does all this $hit happen in 3's!?!?!?!

Can you accidently open a portal by just WATCHING those stupid TV shows?!?!?!

I spooked myself so bad.  I was home alone *doh* and decided to watch Sunday night TV.  Normally I watch the FOX lineup and Downton Abby but FOX had on The Passion Live (which I watched) and well the other one ended *wah*.  What does any normal person do after watching a live action bible story...they watch the new episode of "A Haunting", duh! 

Mind you prior to the live show I was watching reruns of A Haunting....like all day!  I clearly watch these kinds of shows all the time.  A Haunting, My Haunted House, Paranormal Lock down, Paranormal Survivor, Ghost Hunters, Celebrity Ghost Stories, Paranormal Witness...I think you get the idea.  And while sometimes they give me the heebie jeebies, I am not usually scared...most times I'm just intrigued.  I mean I know some people are nutters but they can't ALL be making this $hit up...right?!?!

So as I said it was a NEW episode of A Haunting so I was like sure why not *BAD IDEA*.  This episode was about a DEMON that attached itself to a young girl. 

*quick recap* Her dad died before she was born. Weird $hit starts happening in the house like 9 years later. They think its dad.  Little girl sees dad.  Its not dad, it morphs into this horrifying creature with f**king cat eyes (oh hello "yellow eyes"...watch SPN).  It DRAGS the little girl around the house, hides in the closet/bathroom/HER BEDROOM and is very violent.  I'm freaking out a bit...this is kind of scary.  

Moving on, I go to bed a little spooked but I am fine.  As I am showering I heard a noise so I opened my eyes and see a distorted face staring at me through the curtain, *yipahhhhhhh*...Dammit dog...quit being creepy. I finish up and go to lay down.  Speedy starts going BAT$HIT crazy.  Ummmm...dog....Dog...DOG...STAHP!  He is barking and growling at me.  He is BITING at my arm and literally pulled me off the bed.  He stopped...I got back in bed and he went ape$hit again pulling on my arm.  "What is wrong with you?!!?!"  It started to hurt so I yelled and he stopped.  I laid down and he climbed on top of me...growling...NOT at me, just in general.  "WTF dog, it is NOT play time. Go to sleep, you are freaking me out!"

I got comfy and started reading my book.  I was just starting to get drowsy when one side of my closet doors slowly popped open (its two of those two panel sliding ones). *eeeeeep* "Its a cat. *sees cat in my lap* Its the other cat " I crawled to the edge of my bed....no cat.  "f**k, f**k, f**k."  I pushed the door closed.  I attempted to get comfy again...it popped open again, no cat in sight...*sigh* "I'm going to die".  I pushed it closed.  I just laid back down when my door popped open again *staring in horror* and then one of the doors on my husbands popped open *scream* I dove to the foot of the bed and I thought I saw a black shadow go under the bed.  "WTF this isn't funny!!!"  That was the black cat...right....RIGHT?!?!?  Old lady cat starts "complaining" and growling.  "Oh just f**k me sideways, what is happening?!?!!?"

I jumped up, closed my closet...tethered it shut with a rope belt thing.  I closed the husbands closet and blocked it with the laundry basket, then looked under the bed.  Nothing...no cat....*breathing heavy* "Its fine, we are fine...its FINE!" 

I am now just staring at the TV waiting for something...nothing happens *whew*.  I eventually start to doze off and I hear *knock knock knock* *eyes pop open* *whimper* *pulls covers higher*.  I am clearly hearing things.  *knock knock knock* My closet door is moving but can't open.  "$hit $hit...its a cat, its a cat".  *bang bang bang*. Speedy starts growling, old lady runs out of the room.  "OMG I am going to be a statistic!"  I dove to the edge of the bed...nothing *sobbing* "It has to be a f**king cat!"

So now I am going to be the "stupid girl" from the horror movies.  I slowly lowered myself to look under the bed.  I hear a *hiss* and two glowing eyes come darting at my face.  I screamed, speedy is barking, I fell off the bed head first (we have tile floor...OW!) and now have a black cat playfully attacking my arm.  *with a shaky voice* "I f**king hate you!!!! You know that right!"

It was Demon Spawn.  Apparently she wanted to mess with me for some ungodly reason.  She was popping the doors open and then hiding under the bed, I guess.  Her collar is broken so there isn't a bell. She is in super stealth mode at the moment!  

Soooooo not a spirit or whatever...just an @$$hole cat.  

How does one acquire a ghost????

I mean I know there are hauntings brought on by history, sudden death, and playing with Ouija boards but do they sometimes randomly occur.  Like does a ghost go floating down the street and say "Hey, that looks like a fun house to scare the $hit out of the young lady living there"???

Why do I ask?  Well, because Halloween night (shut it, I know its cliche but its what happened) things, uh, happened and I was home...ALONE.   

So I was sitting in the dark watching "Halloween " (I know, I know more cliche) trying to ignore the thunderstorm outside, when I heard some scuffling from the back bedroom.  I figured it was a cat using the litter pan.  Until I realized both felines were happily perched behind me on the couch.  "Ah, must be a bad dog...", and they are both by my feet staring at the hallway.  $hit!  So I crept down the hall with two anxious dogs, a metal thermos full of water, and a scissors (they were the only weapons I had at my fingertips).

Upon investigation my house was secure and completely free of intruders & rodents (I hope).  THe noise had stopped.  So we went back to watching scary movies (not my best idea).

A while later I heard a loud crash from the same back area *high pitched scream*, oh that was me, ha...ha...ha.  Sounded like something fell.  The dogs are going ape $hit.  Dammit cats! *turns around* both cats are staring at the hallway.  OMG, I need an adult...wait I am an adult....I need an older adult *wah*.

Another investigation revealed my lamp on the floor.  "Alright Casper, knock it off!".  I found nothing else amiss and the windows and doors were still secured.

Sometime later watching "The Rocky Horror Picture Show" live performance on BBC America and I hear a loud static/blaring noise from the back.  Okay THAT is not a feline or a canine.  WTF is that?!?!  I sent convict to investigate (what?!), as I followed I saw the glow of the TV in my bedroom *so this it how it ends*.  My discovery was the TV in my room on but the image was stuck because my cable company sucks and sent me shoddy equipment.  Meaning it was making this awful noise while displaying a frozen image of Freddy from Nightmare on Elm Street (I was watching that earlier in the day while I cleaned).  Are you f**king kidding me?!?!  It couldn't get stuck on a f**king commercial.  No, of course not!

 *turns off TV* *hides remote in drawer* *unplugs cable box*

Nothing else happened but I sure as $hit didn't want to go sleep in my room!  I did eventually...like at 2AM...and I left the TV on because I am an adult...and I made the animals snuggle with me...because I am in fact an adult.

My logical side says the scuffling I heard was bushes and trees blowing in the wind and hitting the house/windows.  I mean that COULD sound like it was coming from inside *manic giggles*

The lamp falling was a freak thing...it was on the edge and just slipped when the thunder crashed *wringing hands*

The TV thing was...I mean CLEARLY we had a power surge and it flipped on...right....RIGHT?!!?! *nervous laughter*


In conclusion I need to stop watching "My Haunted House" because it is OBVIOUSLY fueling my already over active imagination!!!!!!