That is f**king Captain Cheesecake!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Alright, so a while back I said I was reading Book 1 of a new series (see here) and for the entire book I was like "This is Doctor Who Fanfiction!!!" Well I read Book 2 and it still reminded me of 10 and Rose but nothing too different than Book 1.

Now I am reading Book 3 and I literally said out loud "this is basically the plot of the 'Are you my mummy' episodes" (The Empty Child & The Doctor Dances).  Yea yea I know that is 9 but Simon is without a doubt 10.

We are going back in time to London during WWII.  Mind you it is after the London Blitz but whatever.  So I am reading and thinking there is no way it would be that blatant. So they are at the Ritz and Elizabeth is left alone while Simon goes to procure a room.  When low and behold Elizabeth hears someone talking to her...who has an American accent.  Again out loud "if his name is f**king Jack I give up".  Then it says he is in a gray uniform, has black hair, a darker complexion, and like a million dollar smile.  Me again, "are you f**king kidding me?!?!".  Then he says "Name's Jack Wells, Chicago".  I lost my $hit!

This is without a doubt Doctor Who Fanfiction.  I had to stop reading but I can predict what will happen.  Jack will flirt with Elizabeth. 

He'll start calling her a new name like Lizzie *ahem* Rosie *ahem*.  Simon will get jealous...

...but they'll have to work together to save the day.  Simon will stop wasting time and propose to Elizabeth and they all end up BFF's in the end or something like that. 

This is Doctor Who fanfiction and no one can convince me otherwise!!!

Its a book.  Like a published book series, I am not on one of those websites.  I am reading Out of Time: A Time Travel Mystery by Monique Martin.  I can't help it.  I've tried but all I can picture is Rose and Ten in an alternate universe but still f**king time traveling!  Except he has Green eyes and she has blue.  She has coppery hair, is very attractive, and has an adorable personality.  He is tall and skinny but muscular with brown hair and tries to hide his feelings.

He is a PROFESSOR.  She is his ASSISTANT.  They are both head over heels in love with each other but don't want to admit it.  And neither will make a freakin' move!  No but really hear.me.out.

They are at Uni where they work, he gets a mysterious box of his deceased grandpa's belongings.  Inside is a POCKET WATCH, which zaps them back to 1929 NYC.  Back in time they have to PRETEND TO BE MARRIED.  They have to SHARE A BED.  They had to get QUESTIONABLE jobs.  She is JEOPARDY friendly and he is 100% terrified he is going to LOSE HER (that she will die).  They flirt, flirt, flirt but that is as far as it goes.  His JEALOUSY is hilarious.  Her ability to make everyone LOVE her is familiar.  This is driving me barmy!!! 

In the most recent scene he is in a Tux and she is in her Speakeasy sexy outfit.  They are both ogling each other from across the room and I am over here like if they don't freaking KISS already I am going to scream!

There is so much pent up sexual frustration I need a cold shower! 

Oh and did I mention he is English...she's American but tomato, tomahto...whatever!

I love it.  I can't get enough of it.  I am only 33% done.  My inner fangirl cannot be contained.  I may explode.

UPDATE - I forgot!  There is also like a 10-20 year age gap...ish.  AAAAANNNNNDDDD he is always pointing out historical inaccuracies! 

I immediately regret my decision to google that...

So I am reading a book and in the book one of the "nerdy" characters is said to always say "Shazbot" when something goes wrong.  You know like you would normally say $hit or ¢rap.  I recognized the term but I couldn't place it so I Googled it... and now I want to claw my eyes out!!!

Shazbot is ancient sex maneuver invented by Egyptians on slaves when the pyramids would not be finished in time. Egyptians would grab gooseberries of slave and begin to slowly massage until fruit explosion. The resulting mess was called shazbot.

What...WHAT....WHAAAT!?!??!  Ahhhhh my eyes!!! Right I get it...I think...internet trolls right?!?!  Like this really wasn't a thing...right?!?!  I am leaning towards internet trolls, bunch of @$$holes....but oddly amusing. 

Further down the page I found what I was actually looking for.  It was an exclamation usually said by Mork from Mork and Mindy...you know Robin Williams being hilarious.  That is where I knew it from!  I used to watch reruns of Mork and Mindy all the time. That was some funny $hit!
Nanu nanu and whatnot.

Oh look honey, skyscrapers IN the...sky...?...wait......what.......noooo.......*run away, run away*

Whaaaaaa...?

Soooo I saw this today and just...hmmmm.  Read the article because it explains it as an optical illusion (fata morgana) but...but...but...I dunno.  Again, there is a whole group of scientists saying "nothing to see here, nothing to see, move along" meanwhile the cracks in the universe are back and Pete's world is bleeding through...or is that "Peter's World"...is it Gallifrey??? Oh $hit, I hope not...Nah, not pompous enough...Or did Ultron steal another city? Did anyone check to see if a City is "missing"???  Maybe Jack planted that stupid beans again...crap, giants are @$$holes.  Did anyone read Saga of the Seven Suns...?  Is it a mining facility?  Are the Hydrogues & Faeros going to show up and burn us all to ash?!?!?  These were my thoughts BEFORE the article...This one I didn't think of but it is applicable, GLITCH IN THE MATRIX, call Neo we have a problem.  Also, someone said "Asgard confirmed" which, okay yea I guess I get that one too but it wasn't my first thought.

My confusion (and inner conspiracy theorizing) is because they say the reason we see it is because our eyes/brain can't compensate for the refracted light causing us to see "things" that aren't there.  But...but how does the camera capture it?  Like I get that the camera is seeing the same refracted light but wouldn't putting it on "film" disperse the illusion?  Kind of like when we try to take a picture the majestic moon and end up with a pin head dot in a sea of black.  And wouldn't people be seeing DIFFERENT things if it's an illusion?  Or is this like a group think thing?  Because a few people said "city" every one is now seeing a city.  Or is it really a reflection of the city below...but I didn't see a city below that looked like that...I so confused.

I dunno man, it's just weird and apparently has happened before.  Someone said this happened in China around 2008 ...another city in the sky.  What are the freaking chances of that?!? Where is Mr. Tsoukalos to explain this?!?!?

SIDE NOTE - I am being silly for the most part.  I do understand science, etc.  I just think the explanation is weird.

Facebook you have gone too far!

Excuse you master of social media but I don't think that is anything I need or want to discuss with you.

I don't recall Googling ANYTHING that would have prompted this to pop up in my feed. The last thing I googled was flowers on sale on Zulily!  I just find this inappropriate on various levels.  Stupid web tracking bull$hit.  Also, that rose in the vag...really?!?!  Yea yea it's your "flower" or whatever but roses have thorns and I really wouldn't recommend putting a plant near your hoohah.

In other news...
I am reading this "story" and I swear my head may explode because it is so out there!  Not in a good way, in a "do you understand how the sex works" kind of way.  But I keep reading it because its like a f**king train wreck, I just can't look away.  I must know how this insanity ends!

I'll sum it up briefly.  Young girl (about 30) meets handsome-ish older man (about 56) and falls in love.  Okay THAT does NOT bother me.  What bothers me is he is 56, not on his deathbed!  The whole story seems to revolve around him being self conscious about his "aging" body, how he is past his prime and will die a horrible death leaving the girl all alone.  Okay yea, obvi he is MUCH older but come on, he ain't dead yet.  So like there is all this "old man" talk, like he has dementia (yes, I know it can happen young but good lord), he takes 10 pills twice a day for this insane list of issues which include but aren't limited to COPD, Anxiety & heart disease (yes, I know this can happen but really...at 56?, my dad is 64 with COPD and he is not like this.  Hell my father in law IS 56 and smokes just like this character and he looks like a strapping young man), this guy is basically decrepit.  

Then there is the sex thing.  When writing at least TRY to make it believable.  I get that its fiction/fantasy but when you say things like "he made her orgasm 6 times in a row with just his digits before burying himself in her" I put my iPad down and laugh hysterically.  Also, if a guy is 8 inches long and 4 inches wide while flaccid and then 10 inches long and 6 inches wide excited, jfc RUNAWAY......OW!  That is like split you in two kid of d**k.  That my friend is not normal!  That is porn star level c**k!  That isn't appealing...what that is...is terrifying!  It sounds like a case of elephantiasis.  I don't think there is any amount of slowness and breathing that could stretch ya for THAT!  Which brings me to, did she unhinge her f**king jaw?!!??!  Count me impressed...I guess.  I am hoping the writer did some conversions wrong because otherwise...YIKES!  Side note, if he is so "decrepit" then how is this exhaustive sex possible...hmmmm?


Moving on...he is also a royal @$$hole (I can deal with this a little) and he is possessive.  Not protective...POSSESSIVE..."she is mine...don't look at her...Grrrrrr!"  Is that romantic...is it....I don't find it to be but I...whatever.  Then there are these pretty awful depictions of gay couples.  Not as in gay bashing really but like stereotypical attributes.  Like one is the female and one is the male.  How gay men lust after every man they see.  How just because there are two single gay men in a room they instantly fall in love.  How ALL girls experiment in college making them all Bi for the remainder of their lives and want threesomes.  I kissed a girl...and I liked it (sorry, not sorry) but I don't think that makes me anything other than me.  Honestly its a bit unnerving.  And I think in trying to be "open-minded" they made this aging piece of $hit Bi.  That is fine but the descriptions of how he feels about men and women sound so juvenile my only conclusion is the writer HAS to be 12 (can you publish soft porn at 12?).  Yet, I continue to read it because I am clearly bonkers.  I just think at this point I must know how this insanity will end.  I have a feeling the old dude is going to kick the bucket because you know 56 is ANCIENT *rolling eyes* and his "baby" of a girlfriend is going to have to care for him like he is in a f**king hospice.

Rant over!

Why do I get strange looks when in public?!?

My husband still claims me, so suck it all you haters!

So we went to the zoo.  No we didn't bring children, just us...two adults...that is not weird!  I love the zoo :)

Anyways, we were in the reptile exhibit and this happened:

So I said "Do y'all hear that?" *crickets* "No?  It's cool I speak Parseltongue. It's asking if we know 'Harry Potter'",  My husband laughed.  The girl across from me laughed...the others nearby rolled their eyes and gave me that "Oh my God what a freak" stare.  Geez, I was trying to be cute, get the stick out your butt!  The snakes are RARELY active so since this one was being all awake, I decided it was an appropriate time for a fandom reference. 

Later on in another exhibit this happened:

I leaned over to the husband and said "I know they specialize in exotic creatures but this seems excessively dangerous!"  Again, he laughed.  So I *snorted* and *whispered* "Don't Blink".  But the people next to me gave us one of those "is she special or something" stares.  Obviously they don't know about the lonely assassins.  That and there was like crickets or something in here...possibly a snake but it was out of sight. 

Also, after the zoo...well quite some time later I was home and singing in my yard while gardening when this lovely creature ventured out of its hiding spot, possibly proving that I do in fact speak Parseltongue. 

Me: "Ahhhh, what tha, *almost falls over in a fit of nervous giggles*"
Snake: *flicking tongue* 
Me:  "soooo are you poisonous, you don't look poisonous...cuz we can't be friends if you are"
Snake: "Can you let me out of the box, please?"
Me: "Hmmm, maybe we'll just release you in the woods"
Snake: *hisss* "Fine, just don't chop off my head like you did my brother"
Me: "Oooo yea sorry 'bout that"

Seeeeeeeeeee I totally speak snake, that conversation totally did NOT happen in my head.

Whose voice is that...?

Everyone hears a voice(es) in their head.  Not in the mentally unstable way!!!  In the as you are reading something way.  Whose voice is it???  It isn't my own.  When a book has "British" male characters...whose voice am I using when I am reading...

I have a feeling it is mostly influenced by what we see on TV/hear on the radio.  But what determines whose voice your brain uses.  For example I can't read the last name Miller without hearing a strong Scottish accent.  I know why, I watch Broadchurch...but her last name was also Miller in Gracepoint yet I don't hear the unusual "American" Accent that was used. Is it because I watched Broadchurch first...possibly.   Or maybe I just prefer the Scottish accent over the, uh, different sounding, American one...(I am not judging...I could not fake an accent to save my life so yea.)

Other than that I can't place where the accent comes from.  Whose English voice am I using when I read?!?!!??!  Whose Canadian accent is that?!?!  I don't know anyone from Boston... Mid-western...how does one define that when they are from the South?!!??!  Scottish...there is a huge difference between the way Sean Connery and Ewan McGregor sound (at least to me).  How does it work (in your head)???  I mean there are so many!!! The females voices aren't mine, I don't think... How does our brain determine what characters sound like as we read, hmmm.  If I see a movie before I read the book, I am fairly certain the voices I "hear" are those of the actors but what about the other way around.  I read Hunger Games before the movies came out...my Katniss didn't sound like Jennifer Lawrence, she sounded more mousey in my head... not sure why.  Probably because they said over and over how she really didn't want to be noticed.  She was independent but  didn't want to be a leader.  In my head that gave her a softer, less authoritative voice, I guess. 

I'm sure much of it depends on the authors description but still.  And yes I know dialects differ across countries...hello an "American accent" could mean any number of things.  It boggles the mind!!!  I thought about it because today we were talking about sexy accents and Jamie Dornan came up.  He has a nice smooth Northern Irish accent (I had to look that up...I don't know the difference), very alluring.  But in my head when I am told "Irish Accent" they sound more like the brothers from Boondock Saints.  Which is still sexy but in a whole other way.   I just don't know!!! Someone tell me where the voices in my head come from!!!

OMG, I sound like a complete basket case right now.  Maybe I need a nap...I think I am over thinking this...

Is this promoting sex with a wolf?!

That is bestiality and it is WRONG not to mention ILLEGAL.  Am I the only one that sees it???  I feel dirty looking at it. 

Who allowed this to go to print?!!?!  I am sure the story is captivating but the cover made me cringe. 

 

Its just the first thing I thought when I saw it was "um, the placement of that wolf is a bit concerning." I can't get passed it.  It looks like the wolf and the sexy man are doing...something...not sure what but it looks not right. 

I get that it is alluding to the fact that he is a werewolf  but come on!  Couldn't they have put the wolf in the back....smaller....by the moon...or in the moon.  For god's sake the wolf is emerging from his crotch area!  And he's leaning back sexily...it is sending me the wrong message.  Maybe others will not see it but I can't unsee it!

That is all, buh bye now. 

Maybe I am more innocent than I realized...

...I feel like as a whole we are all desensitized to basically everything.  There is almost no shock factor left.  "Oh look a mutilated body on a TV show" we should be horrified...instead many are like "Eh, that is so something I saw on the news yesterday." Me, "holy crap they just showed an intense love scene in a music video." The entertainment world, "we basically create critically acclaimed porn".

Moving on, anyone else noticing this warped sexual fantasy thing people seem to be delving into.  I am not knocking anyone.  It is all over TV and movies and BOOKS.  And some of it is kinda hot.  What ever floats your boat is fine by me as long as no one is harmed in the process and all parties are willing. I am more talking about the glamorization of abusive relationships masked as love with some spice (chains and whips, excite me).  Again not knocking the spicy part...I am knocking the  underlying abuse.  Like the things that should SCREAM bad relationship.

Its those books that are now a movie franchise.  Most of us have read them (I did).  Most of us were COMPLETELY in love with Mr. Sexy Crazy, well by the end of the 2nd book we were.  It was a guilty pleasure...an addiction...why were we so consumed?!?!  What most of us didn't do was reflect on what actually happened in the books and realize what an EFFED up person Mr. Sexy Crazy truly is.  I mean maybe you thought "well that's not normal" while reading but you immediately forgot that as he passionately slammed her against the elevator wall.  I am not innocent of these thoughts.  I read all three books in record time and was completely obsessed with the characters.  I gave them all 5 stars and raved about how amazing they were causing more people I know to read them.  It was like a drug you could pass along infinitely to your friends. 

After reading some questionable comments about them, I re-read the books thinking people were just stupid and didn't get it.  It was then that I realized this story is in fact terrible.  It promotes unhealthy relationships.  It encourages obsessive and unhealthy behaviors.  For gods sake there is a flipping contract...and it is DISTURBING to say the least, seriously go back and read it!  You are literally signing over your life and freedom to someone else...how did I not catch this in its entirety before?!?! Giving them permission to essentially torture you for sexual gratification.  I get we are going for ultimate submissive here but something just doesn't sit right.  He needs to control her (notice I said needs and not wants...there is a difference) because he was an abused adolescent...this isn't sexy...it is sad.  And the underlying message throughout is that she can see the "loving" side of him...she thinks she can change him...she thinks she can fix him...a baby can make it all better (well not at first)...that is why this is fiction...that rarely happens...I would say never but you should never, say never. 

Anyway, two consenting adults going into this contract situation whatever, to each his own.  But in the book she is so green and he totally doesn't care.  You can say he tried to run her off but he really didn't.  And she signed it with no real thought to it.   He BEAT her!  Does no one else remember that???  He spanked her so hard she had welts and couldn't sit at all because according to the contract she misbehaved and he had a right to show up at her apartment and lay hands on her...after she pretty much ran away from him.  (I may be mixing up chapters but this is how I remembered it.)Yea, yea she signed a contract but is that how it really works?!?

Not to mention she said "and he touched me 'there'" more than necessary.  I mean if we are going for the extreme sexual fantasy factor you might as well say clit or something.   "But NOLAGurl she is supposed to be innocent." Screw that I know "innocent" women who know how to use adult words.  If she said it once or twice at the beginning fine, but after that...COME ON!

I dunno...I read them, I am guilty of loving the books.  But once re-read they really do paint a rather disturbing portrait of the world of BDSM...and from what I gather not an entirely accurate portrait. I am sure there are healthier ways to have a dominant/submissive relationship than what is portrayed.  I am all for sexual exploration...this seems more like exploitation.

**UPDATE**
I saw something on Tumblr (hush) and I feel like both posts linked below kind of agree with what I am saying.  I don't know much about this actual lifestyle but anyways, see below.  Scroll down past the pics (which is the type of stuff I was talking about above) and see the "arguments". 

Post 1
Post 2

How many stars would you give 'What Would Satan Do?'?

This has to be by far the strangest subject of an email I have ever received from Amazon.  It is a review request.  Apparently I downloaded a Kindle book called "What would Satan do?".  I have no memory of doing this. 

I am a sweet little Catholic girl (well sort of), when did I download a book about Satan?!?  Weeeeeeell I do read lots of mythical, magical, good vs evil books (and I watch shows like Supernatural and Constantine) but this seems a little out of my element.  I mean why would I want to know what Satan would do...this isn't Supernatural...and if it were I'd be dealing with Crowley anyways. 

Since I am a curious creature, I opened the book.  I know every horror movie (SPN) buff out their just shrieked in fear.  WWSADD (what would sam and dean do)???  They'd say "OMG do not open the creepy book you don't remember buying!!! You douse it in salt and burn it"  Too bad its an eBook...how do you salt an burn and eBook, huh, huh?!?!?!  Stumped ya didn't I??? And I am not burning my iPad!  Great, guess I am now a pawn of the underworld. 

Whatever, I did open it and this is the first chapter title "Chapter 1: The Apostles Were Dirty Cannibals", WTF?!?!  Who let Cas write a book???  The first few sentences "There are days when it is appropriate to stomp the hell out of a frog, and days when it is just better not to. The trick is to know which is which.  Satan shot an evil look at the creature on the sidewalk. F**k frogs, he thought, using the new vernacular he hasn't quite got the hang of yet.  F**k them to f**king hell."   Ummmmm what...just what in the world?!?!?! I didn't know there was so much hatred for frogs.  I like frogs sir Satan. 

Then I went and read the synopsis and laughed my @$$ off.  This sounds flipping hilarious.  So now I know I probably DID in fact download it.  It is a satirical story about the devil giving up on hell because he doesn't like how God is handling Judgement Day (not The Terminator version) and is living on Earth. Then somehow becoming the only who will be able to stop Judgment Day.  I feel like this should be an episode of Supernatural where Lucifer & Michael get out of the cage and Michael is like "really guys?!?  What happened to heaven???" and Lucifer is all, "WHY is Crowley running my kingdom?!?! He's a total fan boy for those meddling brothers...I've only been gone for 4 seasons, this is unacceptable!"  Meanwhile the brothers are like, oh shit we forgot about Adam and we all have a good laugh. 

Does anyone else suffer from second hand embarrassment???

I do!  And it makes me nuts!!!  It is all in my head and sometimes I think I have lost my marbles.  Its stupid, so stupid.  I embarrass myself all the time because I am, well, me.  I mean I don't show it.  I do something, um, silly *ahem* and then play it off best I can.  Ya know, act all nonchalant.  Of course I relive said moment in my head over and over and over and...maybe I am neurotic...hmmm. But second hand embarrassment, I think I might die a little inside each time and I am not even the one doing the weird thing. 

And it is not just "real" people.  I find when watching a fav TV Show/Movie/Actor I cringe at their "awkwardness".   For example (seriously one of MANY), this show a couple weeks ago.  Its a crime drama...well a remake of a crime drama but whatever and its a good show.  I've seen both versions and enjoy both for totally different reasons.  Anyways there was this insanely AWKWARD scene in the original that also ended up in the remake.  Both times I wanted to crawl under the table because I felt the weirdness that was happening on screen.  Well in the original it was 1000 times more uncomfortable but it was still "OMG" worthy in the remake.  It is a total misread of a persons intentions.  As in, "hey, let's hook up, I know you want to." and the other person is like "uh yea no." 

But I only get the second hand embarrassment when watching serious TV/Movies.  If its supposed to be a comedy, I am fine.  All I can think of is I can overly relate to the weirdness going on.  Meaning, I am OBVIOUSLY an unusual person so when I see someone else being unusual and other people not getting it, I feel their uncomfortableness. 

What is really odd about me is this happens with books too!!!  Some characters make me bonkers.  There are times where I have to stop reading, look away and go "OMG are you kidding me?!?!"  Or giggle hysterically and put my head down because I cannot believe they did that or maybe because I can totally see myself doing that. 

Do I have an overactive imagination?!?!  Am I abnormally empathetic?!?!  Is this something other people experience?!?!  Am I really THAT weird?!?! I am fairly certain I am not the only one but sometimes I wonder. Now if you'll excuse me, I shall go read more of my book and suffer an insane amount of second hand embarrassment.

11 years later...

And Odd Thomas is still one of my favorite book characters ever, possibly the favorite.  On a whim back in 2003 in a discount book store I picked up a hard cover copy of Odd Thomas (which totally got lost after we flooded *sad face*).  I knew nothing of the book only that I had just read "Whispers" my first Koontz novel and really liked it, disturbing as it was.  I never, EVER expected to like this character so incredibly much.  He is witty and funny and relatable and quirky...oh and he sees dead people.  After reading Odd Thomas, I so happy that I took a chance on a $2.00 book and got to experience this story.  At that time I had no idea it would be a series.  Imagine my surprise when I saw that Forever Odd was coming out.  I've read every single one since.  Always, always craving more from my favorite paranormal sensing sassy friend.  I've even seen the movie which I wish more would have seen because honestly I thought it was quite good.  My husband who has not read any of the books really liked it.  Well until the end when he looked over at me and I was all teary eyed and he said "OMG that was so sad, I wasn't expecting that!!!"  And then he wanted to know what happens next *smile*.  I think I created a new Odd Thomas fan *whoohoo*.

Yesterday I was relaxing on my couch and I checked my email.  I (don't be shocked) am on the Dean Kootz fan mail list thingy.  So I get updates on all his new books.  I saw "SAINT ODD is coming..." whoohooo, new Odd Thomas book.  Then I opened it and saw "The end is his beginning".  What...what....what...no...nooooo....really...*shocked*.  I knew it would be ending eventually but, but, this can't be the last book... *internal sobbing*.  

Like I said clearly this series was coming to an end soon but I am not ready to say goodbye.  Other series I love have ended and although I was sad to finish them, I was okay with it.  I really don't want to say goodbye to Odd.  If Odd was real, I really think we could be BFF's (is that weird?  I feel like that's weird).  And the book comes out around my anniversary so I am sure hubs will not appreciate me getting lost in a book at that time. 

Once I read the final chapter I will post a review (on the other blog) of my thoughts on all of the Odd Thomas books, I am sure of it.  Maybe I'll call it "typing through tears" because regardless of the ending I think I am going to be sad *sniffle*.

I'm so pissed off I'm linking it here too

WTF TrueBlood!?!?!??!