Thursday, November 19, 2015

It's amazing what can trigger buried memories & emotions

I don't know if these could be considered PTSD but they weren't fun. 

Example 1:
When I was a teenager I was in a car wreck.  A bad car wreck.  A wreck where you looked at the vehicle and wondered how anyone much less all four passengers survived with minor injuries.  I had zero memory of the actual wreck.  I hit my head extremely hard, breaking the back window and cutting my scalp.  I don't remember much until a few hours later in the ER.  About a month or so after said wreck I went with my BFFs to see "I know what you did last summer".  There is a scene at the beginning where they hit the guy.  There was glass breaking, metal crunching and squealing tires.  I freaked out.  I had a panic attack in the movie theater and started crying.  Those sounds triggered my memory of the night.  After I remembered everything I was terrified of riding in the backseat, especially the drivers side.  As the years passed the fear diminished and eventually mostly went away all together.  I still get antsy when riding in the back but I can control it.  But to this day when I hear and/or see a wreck whether in person or in a TV Show/Movie my breathing speeds up, my heart starts pounding and I have to talk myself down.  Its not debilitating like it once was but it still exists 18 years later. 

Example 2:
So its been 8 years since my stupid ex did stupid things.  I'm over it, he's over it.  We are amicable.  We aren't friends so to say but there is no more bad blood.  I recently realized I avoid certain movies/tv shows because of the stupid things that happened .  Especially ones that are based around cheating and/or breaking up.  I didn't realize I was doing it.  I am happily married to an amazing man why would this still bother me?  My only conclusion is because deep down that whole situation really f**ked up head and I am "secretly" terrified it will happen again. 

I didn't even know I felt this way until Tuesday.  Tuesday was NCIS day.  I watch NCIS, I like NCIS.  I adore Bishop and her cutesy relationship with her hubby.  They seem to go together so well.  She is so understanding of him.  He is going through a hard time.  She voices this to him, how she knows he is in a difficult place but she is there for him.  He blurts out hes f**king his co-worker.  Bishop walks out...she seems numb.  Meanwhile I am literally a blubbering mess on my couch.  All of that stupid hurt and pain came flooding back in.  I could relate to Bishop.  I was the understanding fiance and *blam* he blurts out he has "feelings" for another girl.  He swore nothing happened...but the story changed over time.  It sucked...I NEVER want to ever experience that again.  Which I am assuming that is why that scene triggered such a crazy emotional response from me. 

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