Smells like safety

I know scent memory can be strong.  I know it can be random.  But when it triggers, it trigger hard. 

I have this lotion I received from a small company that is no longer in business.  It’s a soft but masculine scent.  But not like OMG it’s a boy scent (I do love those) but like…not floral or fruity is what I am saying. 

Anyways, it smells sooooo incredibly good to me.  But it triggers a memory.  Mind you not a full memory but a memory of a feeling.  When I smell it, I feel safe and loved.  It’s intense but I can’t connect it to a person.  

Like I can’t place who it reminds me of just the feeling.  I don't wear it all the time but I generally like to wear it to sleep or when I am feeling exceptionally stressed.   It’s more of a fall scent but it makes me smile every time I smell it.  

I wish I knew who wore it to evoke such a strong feeling but I can’t figure it out.  All I know is whomever it was made me feel safe and loved. And I don’t necessarily mean romantic love just….love. 

Gah I wish I could put it into words. I dread the day I run out because I can’t buy it again.  Honestly I am tempted to message them and be like how did you make this?!?!  I don’t want to sell it, I just want to me able to make it for me.  

This is why we cant have nice things

This is long, buckle up!  So I just watched “People we meet on vacation”.

Adorable movie!  I know it was based on a book and people who read it had mixed feelings.  But overall it was a cute movie with fun characters, funny moments, and a decent story. 

My annoyance comes from the trope of Best Friends to Lovers. I get it…I know that happens.  And people are always like “ruin the friendship”. “Best friends make the best husbands/wives”.  “Don’t live with regrets”.

I hate all of this.  Not because I don’t believe you shouldn’t be besties with your sig other but because this thought process damages the actual PLATONIC opposite sex friendships.  The stigma in everyone’s head is “well boys and girls cant be friends because they will hook up”

Girls wont trust a girl bestie with their husband and guys wont trust a guy bestie with their wives.  Jealousy happens, accusations happen, and friendships are ruined.  I’ve lost numerous male friends because their girlfriends or wives were convinced we were either hooking up or going to at some point.  Like no ma’am, we have been friends for 20+ years we aren’t like that.

But these movies show the end of committed relationships so the “friends” can be together.  I think the issue comes in that people don’t know the difference between romantic love feelings and platonic love feelings.  I love my friends but I don’t LOVE them that way.  Does that make sense??  

Yea yea sometimes it’s unrequited love or whatever but maturity also plays a part.  thinking you “love” someone but they love you like a friend you have a choice to make.  Keep perusing them and lose the friendship or remember WHY you are friends in the first place and preserve that.  

Maybe I am wired different but I can look at my guy friends and be like they are attractive and I love them without being like let’s hook up.  I love their companionship more than anything.  We are all happily married and want our spouses to be friends.  

Like get out of your hormones and be a f**king adult.  Or better yet encourage your kids to be friends with everyone.  If you son has a girl bestie don’t be like “oooooooo your girlfriend, ooooooo kissy kissy” and same if your daughter has a guy bestie.  We are the problem.  We put that stigma on them before they even understand sexual relationships.  

My point is I had a guy bestie…since Kindergarten!  We literally stayed friends through college.  Was I his date to a couple dances when he didn’t have a GF, yes. Was he mine when I didn’t have a BF, yes. But we were JUST FRIENDS.  No flirting, no hanky panky, none of that.  We had so much fun because were were literally just really good friends. 

In college my VERY jealous boyfriend thought for sure I was cheating on him with my friend.  Then he met him…and was like “wait I like this dude”.  EXACTLY!  He is a nice guy and not a threat to you my dear. 

But alas life happened.  We took a pic at graduation and soon his fiancé didn’t want us to be friends.  She gave him an ultimatum.  I wouldn’t expect him to choose me.  I was a little hurt but I am used to it by now.  

But what if we as a society didn’t put that stigma on KIDS.  What if we didn’t beat it into people that if you don’t have the same genitalia friendship is impossible??? What if we let them organically be friends and if things went to romance whatever but if they didn’t it is OKAY to just be f**king friends!!!!

I love my friends, male/female/non-binary/whatever!!  I don’t care what you have/don’t have in your pants or who you are attracted to.  If we click we click.  I can have a deep emotional bond with someone without it being sexual!!!!!!!!!!

I think this also goes back to the saying “emotional affairs”. That term gets thrown around a lot!  Because if you have a connection with anyone except your sig other and they happen to be of the opposite sex it seems to always be deemed an emotional affair.  Here’s the thing…stop doing that!

An emotional affair means you are seeking attention affection outside of a committed relationship because you are not getting what you need from it. Yea don’t do that!  Talk with your person.  Don’t use another to get what they aren’t giving in your relationship. Either work on the ship or end it.  

But Texting/hanging out with someone because you have common interests and are FRIENDS is not a f**king emotional affair.  If you went out with the girls would anyone say anything?!?! NO! So stop with the stigma.  Now if you are hiding something, bad on you. 

But I for one am tired of people being like “Oh you hung out with another guy?!?!?!  What would your husband think?!?!”  Listen judgy McJudgerson 1. He is fully aware of where I am and who I am with. 2. He knows this person also. 3. YOU ARE PART OF THE PROBLEM!

Now I am not texting/calling these people at all hours of the night and nothing inappropriate.  I treat them like one of my girlfriends and they treat me like one of the guys.  I just wish as a society we could recognize that this is normal and not some scandalous thing that will result in the Friends becoming an item….

Rant over…I just want to not lose my friends because of this bull$hit!

Count your blessings!

Alright, its that time of year where we see all of our "lovely" family.  And can I say...I feel like a busted can of biscuits compared to most.  I'm not far per se but I am not in shape. Things are popping out where they aren't supposed to.

With that said I've been around friends and family that look AMAZING.  They are slim and trim and not busting out like I am.  Well I say like I am.  Let me be clear.  I still am small.  Like way smaller than most but I am not as fit as before.  As in I am a bit...um...soft. 

It's a bit annoying.  I am NOT the inactive...soft type.  But then I took a step back.  The ones that are...more fit.  They are the ones that are divorced...separated...not in any type of relationship or "real" job.  They aren't stable.

I don't wish ill on anyone but that really puts things in perspective.  I have an AMAZING husband, beautiful friends, and supportive family.  Yea I am not in the shape I used to be in.  I am 100% certain I may be in SIGNIFICANT pain for the LA half but...I am happy. 

That means something right?  I have the great hubby.  I have the good job.  I have a really good life.   It's not always perfect but its mine. 

Anyways point being...yea they look good because they are working out to meet a new beau but I look like me.  I am 100% going to start running more.  But for me, not for anyone else.  I could be jealous but I'm not.  I wouldn't trade my squishy@$$ with an awesome home life for their rock hard abs but no one to go home to. 

That sounds really judge-y but I honestly don't mean it to  be.  I mean it more as a "the grass isn't always greener".  That's what I see.  Yea they look great but the CRAP they are dealing with isn't great. I hope it gets better for them...seriously I do.

So off I go to try and be a better me but not at the cost of my really good life. 

Peace out peeps!  Be happy with you.  Be happy with what you have.  Happy New Year my lovelies and don't forget to see what you have and stop stressing about what you don't. 

So you are telling me Eternal Damnation is in my future....k

People that hide behind religion and use it as an excuse to be an @$$hole are not actually good people. 

You can be Catholic and not spit on a woman walking into Planned Parenthood.

You can have your beliefs and not call someone a whore because they got pregnant without being married.

You can think whatever you want but it doesn't give you the right to make someone else feel like they are below you because they messed up or believe differently. 

No matter what you believe...what religion you follow or don't follow...what God you pray or don't pray to, its not an excuse to harm another person whether that is physically or emotionally. 

Jesus said "let he who is without sin cast the first stone".  Basically meaning you don't know someone's situation, don't judge.  Instead maybe try to help them without being a jerkface!  Not "OMG you sinner, let me burn your house down". 

You are not the judge of others.  He said "Treat others as you want to be treated".  If you want people to be butts to you, okay fine but this usually isn't the case.

LOVE ONE ANOTHER!  Not, only love people who see things from your point of view and believe what you believe.

I was "informed" because I love and support my family member and friends who happen to be gay, I will go to hell. That I should "love them from a distance" because their souls are dammed.  WTF...really?

I was "informed" that because I took on the roll of "Aunt" to a child not related to me who happened to be born with no father known...I am perpetrating Satan's plan. Ummmm...what?

I was "informed" (again) that because my parents are divorced and had the marriage annulled years later the church considers me to be illegitimate.  Are you serious right now...?

I might not be a practicing Catholic at the moment but from where I stand I do more things in Jesus' image than most of the practicing Catholic's I know. 

WWJD...Yea I don't think he would abandon those who have been ousted by society.  Let a mother and child be forgotten because she made a "mistake".  Not love me because my parents made a VERY DIFFICULT decision and realized their marriage was toxic to each other and not a good environment for ME.  Was it all butterflies and rainbows...no, it sucked BUT it worked out in the end. 

"Things are either right or wrong, there is no gray area".  Yes...true...I guess.  But Forgiveness and Acceptance was my takeaway...not persecution and hatred.

Just my thoughts...rant over...people suck...love your neighbor...be excellent to each other and party on dudes! 

Ever have a song slap you in the face?

Yea, I know I seem to have a strange connection to music at times but some songs just speak to me.  So a while back I somehow got the Katy Perry album Prism for free.  I was happy about it.  I like her sometimes and I knew a few of the songs so "Yay". 

Anyways as I've said recently my little pink iPod nano is on the fritz so I have to keep it on shuffle.  Of course with 2000 songs who knows what you are going to get.  So imagine my surprise when I heard this song and almost cried....almost...not quite.  Moving on, I was driving to podunk Louisiana for an appointment at the butt crack of dawn listening to music.  I wasn't paying close attention but I heard this part "Looked in the mirror and decided to stay.  Wasn't gonna let love take me out. That way".

At this point I woke up enough to realize I needed to restart this song.  I listened to it 3 times.  You don't understand...this song happened to me.  It described MY LIFE, even down to the age.  Not my age now...but my age when my entire world went to $hit.  I was only 27...or already 27 (depending on how you want to look at it). I was engaged and had a house and everything was great until it wasn't.  And the only reason I was able to pick up the pieces of my broken life was because of my friends (they are like my sisters).  Without them, I don't know what would have happened to me.  The song is called "By the Grace of God" and while I have my moments of anti-religion, this song spoke/speaks to me.

Here are the lyrics...if I didn't know any better, I'd swear they were taken from my diary.

Katy Perry - By The Grace of God

Was 27 surviving my return to Saturn
A long vacation didn't sound so bad
Was full of secrets locked up tight like iron melting
Running on empty, so out of gas

Thought I wasn't enough and I wasn't so tough
Laying on the bathroom floor
We were living on a fault line
And I felt the fault was all mine
Couldn't take it any more

By the grace of God (there was no other way)
I picked myself back up (I knew I had to stay)
I put one foot in front of the other and I
Looked in the mirror and decided to stay
Wasn't gonna let love take me out
That way

I thank my sister for keeping my head above the water
When the truth was like swallowing sand
Now every morning
There is no more morning oh I
Can finally see myself again

I know I am enough
Possible to be loved
It was not about me
Now I have to rise above
Let the universe call the bluff
Yeah the truth will set you free

By the grace of God (there was no other way)
I picked myself back up (I knew I had to stay)
I put one foot in front of the other and I
Looked in the mirror and decided to stay
Wasn't gonna let love take me out

That way no
There ain't no
Not in the name of love
In the name of love (in the name of love)
That way
There ain't no
I'm not giving up

By the grace of God
I picked myself back up
I put one foot in front of the other and I
Looked in the mirror (looked in the mirror)
Looked in the mirror (looked in the mirror)

By the grace of God (there was no other way)
I picked myself back up (I knew I had to stay)
I put one foot in front of the other and I
Looked in the mirror and decided to stay
Wasn't gonna let love take me out
That way

History Repeats Itself...

Should you learn a lesson from others mistakes?

I think yes. Especially if you watch something happen to a friend or family member and start to see the same things happening to you. That should be a red flag that a similar situation is about to arise. What am I talking about you might ask. Well there are two situations that until things got out of hand with my relationship, I didn't realize how similar everything was.


1st: My friend has been with this guy since our freshman year of college. They were engaged by our Junior year and living together in NOLA. After a 5 year engagement he started to shut down. He didn't want to be intimate, communicate or give affection/attention. She ended up with someone else briefly, broke off the engagement and moved out. She was gone for maybe 6-8 months (if that) then moved back in with him. From what I know they never really resolved anything. Its a relationship of convenience. He does his thing and she does hers and occasionally they do stuff together. They decided (she decided) they would not marry or have kids. BUT they care about each other on some level. He shows it more than she does but the attraction is there no matter how much they try to hide it.


2nd: I come from a divorced family. I was young when it happened but I was old enough to see and understand some of it and what I didn't understand then was understood as I got older. My parents fought a lot. Mainly about communication, time apart/together and money. They blamed each other for everything and always thought the other was uncaring/cold. Then one day he left. There was no fight, no talk, nothing. He grabbed some clothes and left. No more talking or fighting...well until they went to court. Now they get along OK, but there is still so much tension when they are together.

I don't want to be like this...like either of the above. I want to be able to talk and work through things instead of letting things build up, blow up and then glaze over them. Its hard to talk especially about serious stuff but I know I can do it...I've been in enough relationships to know that its better to get it out. BUT my man (ex, I guess) doesn't understand it. I'm his first serious relationship. I hate being the learning curve! I can see it now...

We break up because he is unable to get past communicating THEN he meets another girl and he uses the experiences he learned from destroying our relationship to make that one work. When all along had he done it in ours we would have been peachy keen. I know its a little selfish to think of it this way but I can't help it. I seem to always be the learning curve they use to make future relationships work. Why can't I get the guy that has already F-ing learned!?!

But how do you do it? How do you save a relationship when the other person doesn't know how to be in a relationship this serious? How do you get your current man to learn from your previous relationship downfalls? I guess I'll find out soon...we are supposed to talk again...'talk' yea thats part of the problem right there...

Just Some Thoughts

A Girl's Expectations (in no particular order):

• Communication
• Love
• Affection
• Openness
• Thoughtfulness
• Sincerity
• Together Time
• Apart Time
• Friendship
• Honesty
• Trust
• Compromise
• Commitment
  
• Unselfishness
• Considerate
  

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I've heard of people falling out of love and I think it's a bunch of bull. People change and sometimes grow apart but you don't love someone one day and then not love them the next. If you do you are mentally ill and should not be in a relationship in the first place. The feeling of falling out of love is not exactly that, you don't fall out of love, you just forget how to do it with your significant other. Things that used to be the norm become forgotten or taken for granted. You forget that something as simple as a phone call, a touch or a just thinking of you note can make someones day. You forget that you are not the only one in the relationship and although your needs are important another person is also involved and needs to be considered. You forget that there was a reason you said those cherished words in the first place. The feeling of happiness outside of the relationship is skewed also. You keep thinking if only I were single I could do whatever I want or there is someone who will be better at _______. It's called the grass is always greener mind-set. No matter who you end up with they have quirks and habits that may drive you insane at times and time apart may feel like a gift from God but it doesn't mean that they shouldn't be together. It usually means you need time away from each other. Alone time or friend time is normal, spending every waking minute together is stressful. It works the same way after a couple splits your brain flips the grass is always greener thought to the "Remember the good times" thought. It's all perception. It may seem like a bunch of BULL but I've been through a few serious relationships and I've learned this. Once you love someone you'll always love them, the break up factor just depends on how much effort is put into the relationship that makes it last and if that effort isn't made we move along, but love is always there.



Relationships take work. They don't just run themselves and they are a commitment. No matter who you are with, the list above has to be considered. If you aren't willing to do most, if not all of those at some time then why bother be in a relationship with anyone. This is what women want. They will blow smoke up your butt about not being like other girls and its true because I am not like other girls, but in the end they want the list above on some level.



I've noticed in the last 1 1/2 - 2 years he has changed (I changed too but not in the same way). I don't know if my mom living with us freaked him out or something. Or if starting a new job elevated his ego (not trying to be insulting) or maybe the stress of "being responsible" for someone else flipped a switch. But I do know that right after he asked me to marry him (Aug 3, 2006), he stopped being him and started being this 'new' person. But it's not all the time just sometimes, which is even more confusing. Even if we don't stay together because he has become that hateful/disgusted towards me we need to talk about this... I just don't know how to do it.

_________________________________________________________________

I know I am a cheese when it comes to song lyrics BUT this one was on the radio today and well guess what? I thought of him :P and prompted the letter above.

Rodney Atkins, Honesty

Lyrics

He said,"Just think it over,and write me a list"
"So we can figure out what we both deserve"
She hardly could believe it,that their love had come to this
Dividing an deciding his and hers
But she grabbed a paper napkin an asked the waitress for a pen
An one by one she wrote down what she wanted most from him


Honesty,sincerity,tenderness and trust
A little less time for the rest of the world
And more for the two of us
Kisses each mornin' I love you's at night
Just like it used to be
The way life was when you were in love with me


She reached across the table an placed it in his hand
An said,"You know this ain't easy for me"
As he thought about the new car the house an the land
An wondered what that bottom line would be
An a thousand other things that she's want him to leave behind
But he never dreamed he'd open up that napkin and find


Honesty,sincerity,tenderness and trust
A little less time for the rest of the world
And more for the two of us
Kisses each mornin' I love you's at night
Just like it used to be
The way life was when you were in love with me


Well,he fought back the tears as he looked in her eyes
And said," i don't know where to start"
and she said "Everything on that list in your hand"
Is written somewhere in your heart


Honestly, sincerity just like it used to be
The way life was when you were in love with me