Zombies are @$$holes, mmmmkay

I think I figured it out.  I have my most cracked out dreams when I am utterly exhausted.  I am not talking "hey I worked out earlier" tired.  I am talking about "I cleaned my ENTIRE house", "Did ALL the yard work (cut grass/weed-eated/hedged)", "ran a 1/2 marathon" or in my most recent case "played in the pool with a bunch of kiddos under the age of 6 for more than 3 hours". 


And when I say played, I do not mean relaxing in the pool while a lil one waddles around you.  I mean fully submerged swimming/walking back and forth.  Getting in and out. Making sure no one busts anything, "No running!!!" (sorry, my inner lifeguard comes out from time to time).  Busy busy busy BUT very fun!  So by the time it was time for bed, I was basically a Zombie. 

I had the most insane dream.  I don't watch a lot of Zombie shows/movies . . .well I do sometimes but not as ofter as other supernatural stuff, so I was really confused when I woke up as to why I dreamt about 'zombies'.  And I don't mean "Night of the Living Dead" slow walking, moaning "braaaaaains" zombies.  I am talking about those terrifying ones that run like f**king cheetahs (World War Z, 28 Days Later, I am Legend, etc.).  I was NEVER scared of zombies because I always thought, "dude you can OUTRUN them"...until 28 Days Later came out.  I remember going to the theater to see it and I was f**king scared out of my mind!  They didn't just run, they full on sprinted, all the while screeching.  And it wasn't like a slow burn infection.  You got ANY type of bodily fluid in you and you were a screaming banshee in seconds, WTAF!?!?

It's a loooong, detailed dream...get some popcorn and enjoy.  

Okay, moving on to my dream.  I was on vacation with the other half when the world went to $hit.  I am assuming we were in some sort of tropical climate because there was a resort and swimming BUT there were also things that hinted at Europe sooooo who the f**k knows.  I am not sure how but basically we get separated.  One minute we are enjoying an all inclusive beach and boos resort and the next minute I am wandering around Ireland...Scotland...MAYBE...it was really green...and a bit nippy.  I really don't know but it wasn't the U.S. that's for sure (people talked "funny").  I am picked up by a group of other survivors and brought to something that looks like a fort.  But inside it is ANOTHER all inclusive type place, no beach but a ridiculous pool and lavish buildings.  I am concerned about getting the f**k out of whatever country I am in but everyone there is like "no we stay here and wait for rescue" which sounds like the WORST idea to me.  There are parties every night and patrols every day.  I remember going swimming (no clue where the suit came from ) at one point.  There was a guy. . .I can't remember his face but he was attractive, tall and skinny but muscular.  He wouldn't leave me alone, even when I said "sorry boo, I am taken" (see even in my dreams, faithful wife).  He kept trying to catch me in the pool.  He got pissed at one point and threw a bunch of giant pills at me (is that The drugs???).  After some contemplation I went to the room he was sharing with some other peeps and returned the pills (I have no idea why, don't ask).  He looked different now.  I remember thinking "holy $hit, he's famous!" but I am not sure who it was.  We were suddenly BFF's and practically inseparable (no more sexual advances).

Jumping ahead, a group of us thought the whole "party all the time" mantra was a bad idea.  Stop making noise!!!  So of course one fateful night the "zombies" breach the outer wall and come pouring in.  We were near the insane pool...two options 1) Run around it and chance getting caught by a human cheetah on speed or 2) Dive into the water and swim across....the shortest distance between two points is a straight line, looks like I'm getting wet (shhhhhhhh, get your mind out the gutter).   The details of the dream were so vivid!  I could feel the water go up my nose when someone accidentally jumped on top of me.  I remember the weight of my clothes from jumping in fully clothed and the heaviness of my tennis shoes.  I can still feel the vice like grip on my calf as an inhuman fell in, latched onto my leg, and pulled me back under.  And I remember the relief I felt as my friend pulled me from the water and to safety (no bites or scratches...whew).  Thankfully the infected seemed to have trouble traversing the water so we managed to get a head start running (as I coughed a gallon of water out my burning lungs).  We made it to a main building where we broke into groups to enact a plan that I don't remember helping to create but I knew my place.

It consisted of us running UP stairs to lure the infected behind us. . . okay in EVERY horror movie I yell "OMG don't go up the f**king stairs! There is no way to escape." But we had a plan . . .it was sketchy at best.  We had to wait for the rabid individuals to see us and then run like our @$$ was on fire, what could go wrong...?

Jumping ahead again, we are no longer in the safety of the resort.  We've been separated into smaller groups.  Not by choice. . .  We are moving from "safe" house to "safe" house as quickly and quietly as possible.  We sleep in shifts and scavenge for food in the abandoned homes.  We can't eat just anything, in case it is INFECTED.   The only thing I really remember from this part is that my new friend was fiercely protective of me, &/or I made him feel safe...grounded...not sure.  I just know he NEVER left my side.  I can recall him basically cocooning himself around me while I was sleeping and holding on for dear life (we are talking vice grip).  Not in a snuggle up or sexy way...more like an "I can't lose you too way".  And honestly sometimes I wasn't sure if he was protecting me from the zombies or the other men in our group.  It was weird. 

Jumping ahead further, we find more survivors.  It is a military compound. They will only let us in once our eyes have been scanned (this was from I am Legend, I think).  They wanted to separate us but my friend said we were married so we could get in...together.   Conveniently we both had wedding bands....I guess he was married too...I don't remember noticing it before this.  It is hot, loud and chaotic but it feels safe.  I have no idea how much time had passed but eventually I spot a familiar face in the mess hall and practically tackle him (my other half, if you didn't figure that out).  He has a woman with him...it is my friend's wife...I know, I know very cheesy...sorry...I think my brain needed a happy thought.  Out of no where I heard the animalistic screeching the runners make.  Somehow they got inside. . . I was wrapped up in my hubbies arms crying when I felt a powerful shove...I woke up. 

I obviously don't know for sure what happened but I know what it felt like.  It felt like the "monster" got me.  Needless to say, I couldn't really fall back asleep after that.  My heart felt like it was trying to escape.  But why did I have this insane dream?!?!  Then I remembered.  Saturday night I put on SyFy Channel and watched 28 Weeks Later.  I didn't watch all of it but I watched enough to give my subconscious enough ammo to scare the bejesus out of me. 

Let's play a game . . .

Paranormal Activity or lazy people...? Or maybe a lazy ghost...hmmmm

Maybe I am a tad OCD but come on!  How hard is it to close the f**king drawers once you get what you need?!?!?!?!

G-Dammit Casper, if you can open them, you can close them.  Quit being an @$$hole!

Of course I just closed them but when I go get more water if they are all open again I may have to go home.  I am in danger of being possessed by some lingering spirit of our kitchen.  It's probably the remnants of a sentient bacteria that mutated in our microwave. If you are unaware of my reference  read this.

It's bad enough I can barely walk (FYI I am old...apparently that doesn't mix well with exercise), I don't need to be attacked by some rogue bacterial poltergeist.  I definitely don't get paid enough to deal with that $hit.  

SIDE NOTE: Something exploded in our microwave.  I went to heat soup at lunch and it looked like someone cooked a Gremlin.  I don't think I want to know. . .

If you don't get that reference you CLEARLY are not a child of the 80's. . . look it up. . .

I can't watch 8 season in 7 days on Netflix??? I can't watch a 60 min show in 45 min...? *Peeeesh* ... *Challange Accepted*

I know we've all been there...weeeeell those of us who actually like and watch GOOD television (have I mentioned I am NOT a fan of Reality TV?).  Anyway, with that said I've noticed in my Netflix and Regular TV viewings, there are some Shows/Movies I can watch over and over and over and over.  I mean its to the point where I make myself aware of what I am doing so I don't have to subject the hubs to the same (weird) stuff a gazillion times.  So I thought I would list them out and see how weird I actually am (I know I'm weird, humor me).

In no particular order:

• Jurassic Park
• The Fifth Element
• Star Trek (any of it basically)
• Disney Movies (pick one)
• Anastasia
• The Prince of Egypt
• Doctor Who
• Sherlock (both the show and the movies)
• Buffy the Vampire Slayer
• Firefly
• Jaws
• The Big Bang Theory
• Friends
• Castle
• Supernatural
• The Princess Bride
• Marvel Movies (I have seen some of them WAAAAY too many times)
• War Games
• The Terminator (mainly 1 & 2 but I'll watch any of them if they are on)
• The Matrix (only the original)
• Back to the Future (all of them)
• Mel Brooks Movies (they are so silly but I can quote all of them)
• Some National Lampoon Movies 
• Christmas Vacation
• Animal House
• Vacation
• Van Wilder
• Vegas Vacation
• Monty Python and the Holy Grail
• Men in Black (1 & 2)
• Harry Potter (ALL of them)
• The Never Ending Story 
• The Labyrinth
• Ancient Aliens (I am such a weirdo)
• Actually almost anything on History/Discovery
• Tim Burton Movies (whenever they are on, ALWAYS)
• Ghostbusters
• The Boondock Saints
• Fight Club
• Shaun of the Dead/Hot Fuzz/The Worlds End
• Star Wars (Ep. IV, V, VI)
• Interview with a Vampire
• Shrek

I know there are probably many more but these are my most recent (most memorable) watch it if its on TV & Movies.   The ones above, most of them have been seen a minimum of 10 times (more in a few cases, less in others) over many years.  With the TV shows, I obviously haven't seen every episode 10 times (in some cases it is possible) BUT I've seen enough Episodes so many times I can recite lines like a crazy person.  It's so funny to me because I've seen A LOT of movies and watched quite a few TV Shows and there are some I just don't want to see again...even if they are phenomenal. Then there are these that I can quote, almost verbatim, at least parts of the movies/shows.

**UPDATE** OMG How did I forget Indiana Jones!?!  I'll even watch that atrocity that came out a few years ago...I don't care...IT'S INDIANA JONES!!!

25 years ago?!?!?!

Stop making me feel old nerdist.com!  So scrolling through blog posts from yesterday I came across one about Star Trek: The Next Generation and the cover photo was of Locutus.

ahhhhhhhhh!

An image that that was burned into my young mind FOREVER!  I love Captain Picard and it was just awful to see THAT.  Then I read the first line of the article "Twenty five years ago this week, Star Trek: The Next Generation unleashed the first cliffhanger in Star Trek history by leaving Patrick Stewart’s Captain Jean-Luc Picard in the hands of the Borg." What?!?!?  There is no way that was 25 years ago!  I can vividly remember sitting in my living room GLUED to the screen watching the Season Finale and screaming in horror as Riker said “Mr. Worf, fire...”.

My mom and I were both sitting there stunned as it ended...what...What...WHAT!?!? I was 9 (yes, I said 9)...I think it scarred me.  Obviously as a wee little one I am sure I moved on and enjoyed my summer but when the fall came around I sure was glued to my screen again hoping my fav Captain was saved somehow!  You know before DVR...so I actually had to be there when it aired OR record it on a shady VHS tape and hope the VCR didn't mess up somehow.  Geez, I am ancient!  Who else remembers the excitement of coming home to a TAPED show only to rewind the tape and see nothing but STATIC!  F**k you VCR, you have made me miss Seaquest for the last time!!!

Back to the article, I had no idea how "groundbreaking" that cliffhanger was.  I didn't realize TNG wasn't really accepted as Star Trek until after that episode aired.  Probably because I was 9...and because you know I couldn't just pop on the internet and jump in on a Fandom thread to get all the theories.  I never had an issue with TNG because I grew up with it.  My dad grew up with TOS and showed it to me, making me just as much of a fan at a fairly young age.  So when TNG came out I LOVED it...yay new Star Trek!!!

I still can't believe it was THAT long ago but I don't care.  I love getting home from work and turning on BBC America to watch 4 hours of TNG reruns.  I still love it and if I do have kids...I am TOTALLY introducing them all my old Sci-Fi favs *muahahahaha*.

That's not how it works....that's not how any of this works!

I love reading.  I read just about anything.  I take that back, I will give anything a chance BUT there is a point where I will put a book/story down.  Usually that point is where the story gets so far fetched that even I have to go, really?!?  And this is coming from a person who reads A LOT of books about Vampires, Werewolves, Epic Fantasy, Angels...I think you get the picture.

Kidding...I didn't actually read this one but its funny because of my POST about the cover :D

So when I read "stories" that blow the limits into dust, I cringe, especially when I REALLY like the main characters.  I can get passed quite a bit of silliness but there is a point where I will stop reading and never look back.  I mainly do this when the story is exceedingly juvenile.  Again this coming from a person who reads Young Adult books.  The difference is these Young Adult books are written by adults, usually, so they are much more relatable then say a 20 chapter internet published work written by an actual young adult about adults...does that make sense...? 

I am not knocking these young writers.  I think it is wonderful that they are taking to writing, I just hope they have a bit of guidance in future works on how people/love/relationships/sex actually work. I am not their momma or their friend...so I am not going to have that chat with them, plus I don't want them to think I am attacking them...maybe I should say something...I dunno.  Yet some of them write exceedingly well and have an impressive understanding of life and relationships, I truly enjoy their stories.

With that said, when I am reading one of those "OMG that is not how the sex works" stories and I find out the writer is in fact OLDER than me...I might judge....okay no I totally judge.  Regardless of how "experienced" (or inexperienced) you are there are some things you just know.  Like anything that is 3 inches wide or larger is frightening.  I seriously had to read that twice.  3 inches around...that's a little below average...wait wide...across...like the diameter...OMG!  No really go find a ruler, measure out three inches and tell me that's gonna fit in an average woman, comfortably.  

When writing smut (NOT PORN) don't use words like p**sy, etc. unless you are trying for shock factor or dirty talk.  If you are trying to get the reader all hot and bothered you don't say "he reached down her tummy and touched her p**sy".  That is almost just weird.  At that point I close the story and never look back.  Wait, how old are you?!?!?!

Instead, maybe say something like "he caressed his way down her body, exploring every inch, until he reach where she needed him most."  Or something of that nature.  If you want more people to read it...I think...just an observation.

If its one of those fiction stories that takes two characters from unrelated TV Shows/Movies and puts them together (shut up, you know what I am talking about) at least try to keep some of the personality of the characters.  When you start listing all of these completely out of character things, you lose me.  I am reading it because I like the way those characters are. . . .not because I want them to be totally different.  And if they are doing something totally NOT them, they need to have a bit of turmoil over it, showing they are still them.  Of course when they do those out of character things we all want them to do (whooohooo I SHIP it) that is a little different.

Pahahaha, accurate

Having two people misunderstand everything, cock it all up, and FINALLY admit they love each other (and possibly have mind blowing, uh, fun), yes please...having the same two people immediately fall in love, say f**k it all and never think about all the reasons why it never happened in the "show" or whatever with no build up...not quite what most people are looking for. You want people to relate to the story not go "OMG he/she would NEVER do that!!!!!"   I mean who else does NOT see Mr. Tucker being submissive, pathetic and letting people walk all over him...WTF, that is way out of character...just saying.  Maybe he gives a little bit to impress a girl (MAYBE) but he is a bit of an arse and I don't see a complete 180 happening regardless of the craziness that happened.  And no I don't read many stories featuring him but there was one and I almost died laughing at one point.  I didn't finish it. 

It is hard to explain without specific examples but I am not about to target anyone.  I am not a "writer", I have minimal criticism rights. Just some things that stood out, that concern me I guess. 

What is with all the Vagina posts lately!?!?!?!?

Which is directly affecting the amount of posts I have about the Vag.  Because I can't help but comment.  This one wasn't YouBeauty, believe it or not...it was posted by none of than Mr. Sulu a.k.a. George Takei (whom I ADORE!). 

Anways, scrolling through my FB and I see this....

Okay that sounds like an STD, can we at least have a different name for it????  And I have to agree with Mr. Takei, I had no idea this was a thing...over there.  So OF COURSE I read the article. It's technically NOT your vag that gets the treatment...its the outter area of the hoohah (I am not getting medical here, you can figure it out).  Apparently older women who are dating younger men are realizing their lady parts are looking a little worse for wear.  I guess saggy/wrinkly anything can make you self conscious which includes um...lips but can't we just use some lotion and move on...? 

"These facials reportedly give ladyparts back their youthful glow using a combination of steam treatments and applying a mixture of coconut oil, egg whites and vitamins."

Right...okay...sooooo is this like that thing I posted about a few months ago??? Go take a hot shower and moisturize just like you would ANY OTHER PART of your body...right?!?!  This just seems like the most ridiculous waste of money.  It promises "to give women the vagina of a 25-year-old”... 

OMG really?!?!?  While I guess some men (probably "men" you don't want to be involved with anyway) may get weirded out by older looking hoohah, but most 25 year old men I've known are really just worried about getting laid. If it is with a Cougar, even better.  This to me sounds more like a "lets point out something that will make women even MORE body conscious and make money off of it."

I read some comments from men saying "If I could make my d**k look 25 again, that'd be great" but I really don't think most men care about that either.  If it still gets up that is all that really matters...right?!?  I dunno, what is next? Lip lifts?  You laugh but I bet this is a thing you can do!  It's like a facelift for your snatch. 

I don't get it but more power to you if that's what you want to do.  And honestly I am not judging the women who are doing it.  If that helps their confidence go for it girl, I just feel like it was created to exploit self conscious older women.  When men age it is dignified, their wrinkles are seen as a new layer of attractiveness and their gray hair is sexy (usually).  When women age they are expected to nip, tuck, steam, moisturize, dye and cover up the fact that they are getting older.  And yes I know there are men out there who are VERY self conscious about their aging bodies but as a whole our society glorifies the bodies of aging men while shamming the bodies of aging women. 

I WISH I could time travel into the future and see what the people of that time think about all our beauty treatments.  Do you think they'll get stranger in the future (like The Capitol) or do you think as a society we will mature into accepting that things change and people get older...embrace it.  I'm leaning towards the former but who knows.  Only time will tell. 

My luck I'd travel too far into the future and find a desolate wasteland where humans vacated the planet long ago and moved to Mars or something.  "OMG, don't drink the water!!!"

Side Note - Apparently this has been around for a few years...

**Take 3** Someone should video me doing yard work or house work. Not in a creepy way. I really think I could bring laughter to millions.

I am not one to shy away from #get$hitdone.  I will get dirty/icky if I need to.  I do manual labor when necessary.  I only truly fear one critter (bug who shall not be named).  People should learn from  me (not really, that could be bad).  Also, I act a fool in public...maybe I should have my own sitcom. 

Take 3:

"Hey Cletus, you gonna kill that snake or what?!?"

Me: Lalala *cleaning my house*
Hubs: *comes flying in like he's being chased* Lookout the window!!!!
Me: Huh...why, is there a fight or accident or something?!?
Hubs: *frantically looking out the window.* No I saw a HUGE snake!  I think it was poisonous...

Me:  And you are in here telling me why?!?!  Go get the damn shovel and kill it!
Hubs:  I'm not going back out there!
Me: *thinking* Are you f**king kidding me?!?  *I said* Fine, I'll kill it
Hubs: Nooooo!!!!!!!! I'll get it.
Me: *raised eyebrow* oooookaaaaay....
Hubs: *30 minutes later* All geared up and armed with a shovel and the tree branch trimmer, heads out to do battle.
Me: You know, it's probably LOOOOONG gone by now....
Hubs: *evil stare*
Me: *Watching him through the window* I should video this....

He was 8 feet away from the garden and randomly poking things with the tree trimmer.  While I am cautious with ANY snake (look you never know), I am not scared of them.  So I went out to assist.  I got yelled at for getting to close to the garden...I was at least 5 feet away *le sigh*.  Apparently I didn't understand how HUGE this thing was.  So I stood there and threw things in the garden to see if I could lure it out of hiding.  TWO hours later and we still can't find the damn thing.  I gave up and went back inside.  I said "go buy some snake away crap and be done with it."

Me: *waiting for hubs to get home* OMG I am starving!
Hubs: *an hour later* I found it!!!
Me: Is it dead?
Hubs: Well, no but I know where it is
Me: *internal screaming* Okaaaay...well lets go investigate

By this point the sun has set, so we are hunting this thing by flash light...he is in jeans and cowboy boots...I am in shorts and flip flops (look how many f**ks I give).  It is hiding in the drain pipe in my garden.  I can see it plain as day poking out. I crept closer to get a better look.

Hubs: DON'T GET TOO CLOSE!
Me:  JFC, I am a good 5 feet away, it can't reach me (famous last words, right, haha)
Hubs: *leans in to saw its head off*
Me: That's not going to...oh look it went back in the drain *sigh*

I finally got a good look at it.

Me:  OMG it is NOT poisonous! 
Hubs:  How do you know?!?
Me: (FYI he's a former Eagle Scout) Seriously?!?!  Look at it. 1) it has a round head 2) its eyes are black and round 3) it is 100% not aggressive
Hubs: I dunno, I saw its tail...it looked venomous
Me: Fine, what's your plan?
*crickets*
*jeopardy theme playing*
*silence*
Me: Soooooo?
Hubs: We lure it out
Me:  It's not a f**king cat!  It won't come out for promises of food or cuddles!
Hubs: You have a better plan?
Me: Yes, we stick something in the pipe and make it come out.
Hubs: From the back?!?!
(The back is in the garden behind bushes)
Me: Well that would be ideal but I am not going back there *gestures are miniscule clothing*
Hubs: I am not going back there
Me: Fine, I'll push the pole in from the front and you wait at the edge and kill it when it backs out
Hubs: Okay...be careful
Me: *thinking* really, I have a 6ft pole... YOU be careful

So I shove the pole in and hubs literally stands there and goes "its coming out!!!"  Then he THROWS the shovel like a f**king javelin, misses by who knows how much and our little friend escapes into the underbrush.

Me: Really...really?!?!  That is how you planned to kill it?!?!  *mumbling* I knew I should have been the one over there *developing headache from lack of food*

I walked over to the garden to retrieve the shovel (I got fussed at again but I really didn't care anymore or think that thing stuck around).  "Okay, you go spread the snake away crap, I am going to go do...something...."

I googled what I saw "gray/brown, snake, white belly, round head, Louisiana".  I was given a few likely candidates a "Racer", "Texas Rat Snake" or "Yellow Bellied Water Snake" all nonvenomous, constrictor types, that feed off of RODENTS and bugs. I kinda want to keep it now...maybe it'll help with the issues from next door...

Racer (pic)

Texas Rat Snake (pic)

Yellow Bellied Water Snake (pic)

So yea, next time there is a snake, I will handle it.  Caution is one thing but if it WAS poisonous we need to kill it.  I hate doing that but I can't risk having another animal, one of us, or a neighborhood kid getting bit.  Losing track of something that dangerous is NOT an option. 

Doctor Who, making instant best friends out of strangers since 1963

Okay so recently I was in a meeting.  We were waiting for some other important peoples to arrive.  Of course being one of the two the faces of my company I couldn't just sit there and play on my phone *darn*.  I had to be social and interact with the persons already in the room.  Idle chit chat, right, anyway.

So the usual was thrown about...Where are you from?  Did you watch dem Tigers?  Can you believe this insane weather?!?!  And of course, where'd you go to school?  Since I wasn't in NOLA, I figured they were asking about College.  So I said I went to LSU for my Undergrad and UNO for my MBA.  There were maybe 5 people in the room so far.  So I got oh yea, cool.  Wow, an MBA, so your like smart *wink, wink*.  Then the (attractive yet VERY quiet) guy next to me was staring at me, barely containing his smile/laughter.  So ARE you a Master? I started to get defensive, I was thinking "what you don't think I'm smart enough to have a Masters or something?!?!"  But before I could say anything @$$hole-ish he just leaned over and whispered "I thought you wanted to be called Missy... *raised eyebrow*". 

Okay he has NO IDEA if I am a whovian, right?!?!  I was like no f**king way!  I swear my jaw was hanging with no response in sight.  Then I looked down and realized my business satchel has "Bad Wolf" written very faintly on it.   I've had it FOREVER and no one has said anything before so I didn't even think about it!

 

So I just busted out laughing, I couldn't come up with anything witty, it was too much, my brain shorted out.  So he started laughing and the rest of the room was like "WTF...?" 






I was teary eyed and giggly.  It was hilarious (to us)!  The best response I had, after nearly snorting with laughter, was "do I look like a cracked out Mary Poppins???" Which only increased the giggles from both of us.

So I shook his hand and said good one, you got me, I wasn't expecting that!  The rest of the peeps were still very confused.  We eventually exited our personal fandom bubble and started talking to the rest again, never explaining why I wasn't offended by what he said or why we were laughing so hard. 

It's like "oh you like Doctor Who?!?!?!" *instant bond*  I love it!!!

$hit, if it's going to be that kind of a party I'm gonna stick my d**k in the mashed potatoes

In times of confusion I find myself drawn to the wise words of the Beastie Boys, well not actually but that's where I know this line *tee hee hee*.  Its actually from  a comedian, Mantan Moreland on his album That Ain't My Finger.

I am feeling very all over today so this post will in fact be all over.  Try to keep up...you may want to take a Dramamine just in case. 

Here is my WTF Facebook moment of the week (and by FB, I mean YouBeauty):

Why!?!?!!?  At first I thought it was going to be one of THOSE articles where I go "OMG, don't stick that in there!" But then I read it and its just "normal" things.  And by normal, I mean things that are meant to go in there....like a Kegal thingy or a DivaCup or a vibrator that you wear all the time that can be activated REMOTELY by your lover *stupid stare*.  Can you imagine being in a board meeting when your man (or woman) decides to f**k with this thing?  "You see over here are our potential earn-ahhhhhhh-ings...whew, um anyway.  This is where we want to be-ahhhhhhh *moan*." Ha!

I think it would have been far more interesting to read if it had been OTHER things.  Like, "you wouldn't believe what this Soccer Mom got stuck in her hoohah" (insert pic of kids toy).  Ya know something interesting.

This fascinates and terrifies me:

I know the article is just saying they discovered it and that is REALLY cool.  But it makes me think about how scientists will sometimes do things just because they can...even if there are FOUR movies that tell us why we probably shouldn't just because we can. 

I mean I'd still be one of those idiots that goes to the park and probably get eaten by a Velociraptor but HOW COOL WOULD THAT BE?!?!

Also, I saw this and my 1st thought was "OMG I LOVE that skirt!"

Wait...that's a...maybe I could still wear it...no...*le sigh*

Then...then...THEEEEEEN! One of my lovely "friends" sent me this:

First thought "Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!" Second thought "why the f**k would you send THIS to me of all people?!?!?"  Third (and most important) thought "They better not try to Jurassic Park this thing!"   I've seen it before but didn't read it.  I know the article is like a month old but *shudder*.  I personally feel like this specimen should be burned in fire.  Actually it should be doused in holy oil, wrapped in spark paper and dropped into the burning pits of hell!  You know why?!?!  Because it is an effing "bug who shall not be named!" When the world ends they will be the only thing left standing!   Which also means if you try to burrow this thing outta the amber and get a "closer" look there is a very good chance the f**ker is still alive in some sort of stasis and once the air hits it, it will come alive and wreak havoc on our unsuspecting world!  It will mate with the already near indestructible "bug who shall not be named" of our time and create a super critter that will have me running for the hills.  Unless they infest the hills then I'll wrap myself in a giant bubble/hamster ball thing, stock pile RAID, and hope I am safe.  You think the ones we have now are brazen, imagine a "predatory" one.  And how do they know its "predatory"?!?!  Does the f**king thing have fangs or something?!?!?! I'm going to have nightmares for weeks!

**Side note** I didn't read the article...why would I read an article about that?!!??!


Seriously though...today I relate to this on a spritual level....:

The wheel is my brain...

I'm going drink more caffeine and run a few laps around my office. 


 

Blood from a turnip...do turnips bleed? Are we talking like plant juices or real blood?!? Or plant juices that look like blood...I for one don't want to bleed anything, even if its a turnip

Right, so I am rambling.  Anyways, I found something hilarious today!  As by hilarious I mean utterly annoying. 

So we had to pay our flood insurance, right.  Our flood insurance that so kindly DOUBLED from last year.  I get that we flooded and had to make a claim but come on!  I've paid for flood insurance for over 10 years.  I've made ONE, ONE f**king claim in ten years and my premium goes up?!?!?  I hate all of you!

So we flooded in 2012...in 2013 nothing changed (I think they were still working out how much they wanted to up-charge everyone).  In 2014 it went up about $100, frustrating but whatever.  In 2015 it DOUBLED.  Why?!?!?!  I can't get a straight answer out of these @$$holes, except we made a claim and are now a "high risk" for flooding.  Oh really...ya think?!?  Why don't you take what you want to charge me and bill the Corps of Engineers who built the monstrosity of a pumping system a couple parishes over that caused our f**king flooding!?!!??! *angry grumbling*

And no, I don't want them to flood either but saving one area by compromising another is poor decision making, just saying.  

With that said when we flooded getting our money was a f**king circus!  Claim paperwork was conveniently "lost"  by our adjuster, pictures were missing, we didn't get paid for some of our belongings that were on the list...seriously things were a absolute NIGHTMARE!  Once we got everything submitted...mind you I made the claim literally the next day...I was sitting in my flooded house on the phone making the claim.  It took the 5 months to process my $hit.  5 months of being homeless with no possible day of moving home!  5 Months before I got the 1st check to start the repairs, which is only 1/3 of the cost to repair things.  Then it took another two months AFTER my contractor was almost done to get the final check so I could freaking pay him.  I was homeless for over 6 months...6 months... (oh and only 2 months were able to be paid for through FEMA for rent/hotel) that my friend is f**king stupid!  And it would have been longer but I was friends with my contractor and he finished everything even though I didn't have the funds to finish paying him yet. 

Yet, I send them a check for the outrageous premium I have to pay now and they cash it in two days. 

**Take 2** Someone should video me doing yard work or house work. Not in a creepy way. I really think I could bring laughter to millions.

I am not one to shy away from #get$hitdone.  I will get dirty/icky if I need to.  I do manual labor when necessary.  I only truly fear one critter (bug who shall not be named).  People should learn from  me (not really, that could be bad).  Also, I act a fool in public...maybe I should have my own sitcom. 


Take 2:

Rats!  Not as in "darn" or "shoot"...I mean literally RATS!  I keep a fairly clean home but I have a couple neighbors (yea TWO!)  that don't believe in maintaining anything.  We are talking 2'+ grass (weeds), abandoned vehicles and an overflowing pool that hasn't been cleaned since Hurricane Gustav (2008).  To say we have "critter overflow" is an understatement.  But throw rats in the picture and I'ma loose my ever loving mind!  I was outside watering my back garden one night.  It was dusk.  I was singing (rather loudly) and dancing when I heard a noise to my left (towards my neighbors house).

 Still singing, I glanced over and heard scratching...I stopped singing.  I walked over to the fence (you see this is where a normal person would have gone inside).   







*scratch scratch scratch* "what is thaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh" I was playing peek a boo with a VERY large rodent that popped its head over the top of the fence.

Oh, uh, hi there! (not my pic)

I said a lot of curse words and sprayed it with the hose...it ran off.  A few mornings later it greeted on my back porch"Surprise b**ch!" "OMG! *drops coffee*"

I am not fearful of rats/mice, as in I can deal with them BUT I was shocked to see it waiting for me.  We have since then purchased some pellets to put in our shed and attic, to make sure they don't further invade my property. 

What the heck did I do now?!? Nothing, I did nothing...in case you were wondering :P

I love being on the receiving end of someone else's bad day.  Yes, I know we all have them.  Yes, I know we are all human but don't forget... just because you are having a craptastic day doesn't mean you have to make everyone else's day craptastic as well. 

I always try to put on a happy face.  And even if I can't, I attempt to remember that the cashier at the grocery, the rep on the phone, my husband, etc. more than likely didn't do "it".  They didn't do anything wrong so I shouldn't take out my frustrations on them just because they happen to be in my vicinity.

$hit happens...emails don't go through, things fall through the cracks...people don't want to do their jobs...if these things happen to you it SUCKS big donkey d but it doesn't mean you have to be a tornado of rage and bring everyone else down with you.  I hate it when I am having a wonderful (or even just a decent) day and someone absolutely rips me apart FOR NO REASON except I happened to answer the phone/email/text.  It blows my mind!  I think it is because I am so conscientious of everyone else's feelings now that I am taken aback when others don't reciprocate that same conscientiousness. 

I guess, I think, you don't know what is happening in their day.  What if you lash out at someone who is already in a downward spiral and they lose hope?  They are teetering on the edge and you don't just nudge them over, you DESTROY them, all because you are having a craptastic day.  Your unnecessary venom could affect them much more than you realize.  Plus, your problems that seem like the end of the world to you could be so trivial compared to what someone else is mentally going through yet they may keep their's hidden behind a small smile. 

So you have an issue but you haven't addressed it with the company you have an issue with.  While I know I sometimes have a tendency to be sarcastic, I will normally not go that route initially, depending on what I am told.  I will first tell you "take a breath and call them to see what you can do, it is probably an easy fix." THAT is a nice thing.  THAT is me trying to neutralize the anger.  THAT is me trying to f**king help!  I honestly would not expect to get a "f**k you too, b**ch!" back in response.  I am not sure why I deserved that but okay.  I don't respond to that; I won't respond to that.  THAT is a person trying to start a fight with you because they are mad at someone else.  So I stayed quiet.  That should have been the end of it.  A mentally STABLE person would have realized they overreacted and stopped texting or apologized.  Nope, not in my case.  I received at least 4 more texts detailing why I am a horrible person for not supporting them in their anger at x-company.  WTF?!? I am not one to throw guilt usually but I will make you feel like an @$$ if you push me too far.  After I received a text stating I was a coward for not saying anything, I finally had enough of the "verbal" abuse and replied. "I am sorry if  I am not as chatty as usual, you see I am not exactly having the greatest day either.  I just found out my old dog is dying of bone cancer.  But in relation to our previous exchange about your life altering problem, I still think you should call x-company and ask for some assistance." *crickets*

Not my proudest moment but I got my point across.  Yea your day sucks and yea you took it out on me and yea you had no idea what I was dealing with but that doesn't make it okay.  You didn't stop at one attack.  You continued to use me as a punching bag just because you thought you could, because I am family and that's what I am here for...I guess.  People laugh at me when I say I had a "f**ked up childhood" because they only see my family when they are "normal" or in other words, behaving because others are watching.  I am not kidding, you try having an immediate family that can snap in a split second.  Never knowing if what you say is going to trigger some bat$hit crazy response.  I am a firm believer in "family don't end with blood" because I can say with 100% confidence most of my "family" has zero genetic relation to me. 

Ok no problem...wait...did she just call me old?!?

This is a rant, you have been warned!

While I am fully aware that I am not 20, I am also fully aware I don't look my age.  I get mistaken all the time for being much younger which is fine, it doesn't bother me.  I attribute this to wearing a ton of sunscreen and only wearing makeup for special times (not daily), oh and good genes (thanks mom and dad).  It also helps that I am small-ish, I guess. 

With that said I don't like shopping in the "women's department" at most stores.  Misses/Juniors (yes I still shop there sometimes)/trendy.  I will go nude before I put on mom jeans and a weird fitted floral patterned t-shirt.  I do tend to buy things that aren't OVERLY trendy so they usually last a couple seasons without looking completely dated.  Well I cleaned out my closet the other day and decided I'd try out one of those second hand stores that buys your old (gently used) clothes back from you (versus just dropping it all at Goodwill). 

I take very good care of my clothing so most still looks new and its not like Walmart brand, they are nice (mostly trendy) clothes.  I brought a sack of crap to one of these stores and they were all "oh wow, okay give us a couple hours as we have a lot of peeps in front of you".  So I did.  And when I went back this tween with an attitude handed me my sack of crap back and said (with mock sweetness) "oh sorry, I didn't see anything we could buy." That was fine, I don't mind that.  But she didn't stop there.  No, then she said "it's just the brands are kind of *whispers* old." I am distracted "yea, ok. yea, whatever" thinking its because the styles are a couple years old and because I have two more stops to make before I go home.  Then it hit me.  Wait...what?!?  What you mean the styles are "old"?!?  She said "well we cater to a VERY young crowd and they don't wear THOSE brands."  So I looked in the bag making sure it wasn't the one I was supposed to bring to Goodwill (those clothes, I can understand them not taking) but no it was the correct bag.  And you know I am not one to cause a scene but come on.  So I pulled out a BCBG dress, that I've worn twice and said "Are you serious?  You are telling me BCBG isn't good enough for your store...?"  She retracted and said "oh no, we don't take semi-formal/formal attire anymore". Um you couldn't have said that FIRST?!?  So I dug further and pulled out an adorable Guess Romper *raised eyebrow* "Guess isn't good enough then?" She started stumbling over herself.  So I asked, "did you even look in the bag?" *stuttering*. 

Then her manager (maybe) walked up and was sweet as sugar saying "we aren't really accepting ANY women's clothing, we are stocked (pointing at a sign that was WAY above my point of view). But men's clothing and accessories, those we need." That is 100% fine with me and I said so but I was irritated with the way it was handled.  Why couldn't that little girl say "sorry we aren't taking women's clothing at the moment" that is polite, instead of insulting me (because lets be real, you only say that if you are trying to be an @$$), saying my "style" was too old.  I have a feeling they really didn't look in the bag because of the way I was dressed when I walked in.  I was dressed for work which does have an "older" style, because ya know I have restrictions on what I can wear and whatnot. 

I was just flabbergasted at the way it was handled.  Kudos to the manager for trying to make it better but they lost a customer.  I used to shop there and I can tell you with 100% certainty I will never step foot in there again (and yes I did politely voice that before I left).  There are ways to handle customers without putting them down.  Being a brand snob or judging someone on their appearance is not really how it should be handled.  Maybe I should try one of the national chains and see if they are more professional.  Actually I think I am just going to use the online ones Poshmark, Tradesy, Thread-up, etc. 

**Take 1** Someone should video me doing yard work or house work. Not in a creepy way. I really think I could bring laughter to millions.

I am not one to shy away from #get$hitdone.  I will get dirty/icky if I need to.  I do manual labor when necessary.  I only truly fear one critter (bug who shall not be named).  People should learn from  me (not really, that could be bad).  Also, I act a fool in public...maybe I should have my own sitcom. 

Take 1:

When trimming the hedges (bushes) always beware of wildlife.  It can come in many forms.  The form I am used to dealing with is a royal @$$hole.  His people are known as wasps and they basically claim all lands.

Ima f**k you up! (Not my pic)

So when I hedge, I keep a can of Wasp Spray near by.  The problem is they don't always reveal themselves right away.  This causes me to look like a ninja while gardening. 

Not my pic

My neighbors can regularly see me "dancing" in the front yard.  *run close to the bush, snip-snip, run away from the bush, rinse, repeat*  This gives me the opportunity to run like my @$$ is on fire if indeed there are wasps hiding out.  My recent hedging did not disappoint.  I was "dancing" when a wasp came at me, "ahhhhhh run away, run away!" But I got him, muhahahaha.  As I was about to do my victory jig something pegged me in the head.  *crouching tiger*  

Not my pic

WTF?!? I looked up and saw nothing.  Hmmmm.  So I continued trimming.  Out of no where this bright @$$ red bird flies at my face *scream* *drop trimmers* *runs away*. 

Caw caw mother f**ker! (not my pic)

I swear I looked like Ace Ventura when he encounters bats! 

Not my gif

 Am I in a Hitchcock film?!?!  I slowly approached the bush and kicked it (smart, I know).  *screeeeeeech* *chirp chirp chirp* *running away* "ahhhhhh its going to peck my eyes out!". 

Who needs wings, when I can just dive bomb your face! (Not my Pic)

I crept back to the bush (seriously, I need to learn when to just give up) and gently parted the branches. 

Not my pic

Only to be almost face to face with a royally PISSED OFF momma bird and 3 lil babies.  "dawwwww" *smiles*.  *screeeeeeech* "$hit!" Here comes daddy *running away* "Okay okay, I'll stop trimming, geesh!".

Music, why you do this to me?!?

Sorry, sorry for the "internet speak" but two different musicians have me having feelings at the moment...completely opposing feelings.  My feelings are confused.  Dammit, I came here to have a good time and I am just feeling so many things right now.

First up, Mr. Ed...Sheeran (tee hee hee).

OMG is that a baby Ed (I mean a really baby Ed not the fact that he is STILL a baby...24 Good Lord!)?  This was the most ADORKABLE video ever!  Then I looked up the lyrics and...shut up, I'm not crying I just cut an onion or something.  He needs to stop with his amazing music. 

Seriously though (just a taste):
We keep this love in a photograph
We made these memories for ourselves
Where our eyes are never closing
Hearts are never broken
Times forever frozen still

Then in a totally unrelated video...Mr. Levine apparently broke the internet.  I've watched the video.  Yes, I saw his butt...I don't remember much else, I may have blacked out (kidding, sort of).

With that said, I cannot link the video here (well, I did link the page but if you click it, it may still be not there) because it was removed from YouTube sometime after I watched it!  STG! I went to look it up and its on the Official Maroon 5 YouTube page but it has been blocked stating "This video contains content from UMG, who has blocked it on copyright grounds." What?!?!  But it is their video...right?!!?!? I so confused.  And now I wont get to watch it again and see what I missed, pahaha.  Told you I have a type and I guess it also includes tattoos in some cases.