Ever had an epiphany while riding around looking like Elliot rescuing E.T.?

It's been a rough week so to destress I've been riding my Bike since I still can't run.  As I was pedaling along listening to some True Crime my brain threw me into a memory that I had completely forgotten about.  Mind you it was 100% unrelated to anything I was listening to, it just...happened. 

I was remembering when I was around 8 years old.  I was being "tormented" by another kid.  We were both being babysat at the same house.  This wasn't anything new.  This kid regularly picked on me.  They would bully me both physically and verbally.  And if I ever stood up to them, they would somehow convince me  that I would get in trouble if I didn't do what they said.  

On the occasions I did go to the adult, our sitter would correct it at times but most of the time I was just told I was being a "tattle tale" and to just go do something else and avoid the other child.  Which just resulted in me getting tortured further.  Good job adulting there lady! Mind you this isn't like a teenage sitter.  We are talking like a 50 y/o woman. 

Anyways, this particular memory was just like the others.  Me being bullied and pushed around and told what I can and cannot do.  Being told how ugly I was, how bad I was at whatever we were playing, how they were better at sports and I sucked... I mean pick something it was just a BARRAGE of bull$hit.  I did what the adult told me to do and ignored it and removed myself from situation.  Which got my hair pulled and me pushed into the dirt. I walked away again. 

This B**ch followed me and continued the taunt.  I distinctly remember we had been playing house.  I was "sweeping" the floors.  I was ignoring my tormentor as best I could.  I was stewing.  This had been going on since I could remember.  This kid and I grew up together and they were so mean to me.  I was trying to play alone when they shoved me from behind which caused me to fall pretty hard into a tree.  

I was so mad! I was so hurt! I was so angry! I grabbed th broom from the bottom and spun around at full speed.  I hit them as hard as I could with the handle in their side.  I hit them so hard I knocked the wind out of them and they hit the ground.  I screamed "LEAVE ME ALONE" and walked away. 

This is where my "kindness" f**ked me.  I was crying because I was so frustrated.  Then I felt bad because they were crying and were hurt because of me.  This is where I had the epiphany as an adult.  Because you see instead of going tell on me...this demon of a child BLACKMAILED me.  

That's they best I could describe it.  Literally for the rest of the break this f**king psycho child used my temporary moment of aggression as a way to CONTINUE TO BULLY ME. Anytime I "stepped out of line" by their standards, this sociopath kid would be like "you better do what I say or I'm going to tell the adult what you did to me.  I'm going to tell them how you beat me with a broom handle until I cried. And that you only stopped when I begged you to.  And they'll believe me because I have a bruise to prove it". And since I was a good kid and didn't want to be in trouble, I f**king listened.  

They legit tormented me for over a week with no push back from me because I was scared of getting in serious trouble.  

I was gaslighted by a narcissistic EIGHT YEAR OLD.  How does an 8 year old become that??!?!!?  

I am not saying I was right.  I do not believe in hurting others, unless in self defense.  And I am not proud of how I reacted.  I'm really not.  I think I had blocked that memory until today.   I'm not sure why my brain decided it was time to remember but I'm glad it did.  

As an adult, I know I subconsciously learned from this situation.  I'm more aware of others and avoid narcissists if possible..its like I know the signs.  That kid is a seemingly normal adult.  We are still in touch and they are no longer a narcissistic tw@t waffle.  They no longer manipulate and torture others.  I am glad for that for them, their kids, and well me.  

So I am not sure why I had to remember that event today but I don't believe in coincidences so if I am remembering that...there is a reason, and I am not thrilled about finding out what that reason is.... 

Prejudice goes both ways....

I know the old adage is don't judge a book by its cover.  And most times (in real life and movies) its the popular people judging the nerdy/different people.  But that isn't always the case.

In High School I skirted the line.  I wasn't popular but I wasn't unpopular.  I was a super nerd into science and sci-fi but I was also on the dance team.  Basically I got along with most people.  There were occasions where I was picked on but it was few and far between at that point.  (In grammar school...PICKED ON WAY MORE.)  And I tried my hardest to not be associated with people who targeted and hurt others. 

With that said I had no idea some people thought poorly of me.  I found out recently that a band girl thought poorly of me just because I was on the dance team.   I am well into my 30's and had no idea.  Our paths crossed again and she was rude/mean to me and I couldn't figure out why.  Like I would say something and she would have a snarky or rude comment.  Would put me down in front of "her" friends.  Would basically try to make me feel bad about even speaking.  I was hurt and appalled that an adult who was picked on in HS would be such a bully and she has THREE kids...talk about setting an example.  Especially someone I thought was kind and I was always kind to. 

Finally I found out she thought because I was a dance team girl IN HIGH SCHOOL that I was not capable of being kind to anyone who wasn't popular IN HIGH SCHOOL so she was mean to me.  WHAT THE ACTUAL F**K?!?!? She thought in HS when I was being nice, that it wasn't genuine.  That I was trying to get "points" for being nice to the band geeks.  That I was FRIENDS with "nerds" to up my status.  The list was f**king insane. 

My BEST FRIEND was a "band nerd".  I hung out with boys from the band not just the dance team, cheerleaders, and football players.  I was friends with everyone.  I was so hurt that someone even thought that stuff about me.  Then I found out that the reason "her" friends were standoffish with me is because she convinced them people like me weren't actually nice, it was all a front. 

Are you serious right now?!?!  This is a type bullying also, just saying! And I wasn't the one putting on a "front".  I have removed myself from that situation.  I might have been semi-popular in HS but that doesn't mean I deserve to be treated horribly by a "victim".  I never judged her...EVER...but she judged me just because of a stupid stereotype.

In conclusion, people suck!     

What the heck did I do now?!? Nothing, I did nothing...in case you were wondering :P

I love being on the receiving end of someone else's bad day.  Yes, I know we all have them.  Yes, I know we are all human but don't forget... just because you are having a craptastic day doesn't mean you have to make everyone else's day craptastic as well. 

I always try to put on a happy face.  And even if I can't, I attempt to remember that the cashier at the grocery, the rep on the phone, my husband, etc. more than likely didn't do "it".  They didn't do anything wrong so I shouldn't take out my frustrations on them just because they happen to be in my vicinity.

$hit happens...emails don't go through, things fall through the cracks...people don't want to do their jobs...if these things happen to you it SUCKS big donkey d but it doesn't mean you have to be a tornado of rage and bring everyone else down with you.  I hate it when I am having a wonderful (or even just a decent) day and someone absolutely rips me apart FOR NO REASON except I happened to answer the phone/email/text.  It blows my mind!  I think it is because I am so conscientious of everyone else's feelings now that I am taken aback when others don't reciprocate that same conscientiousness. 

I guess, I think, you don't know what is happening in their day.  What if you lash out at someone who is already in a downward spiral and they lose hope?  They are teetering on the edge and you don't just nudge them over, you DESTROY them, all because you are having a craptastic day.  Your unnecessary venom could affect them much more than you realize.  Plus, your problems that seem like the end of the world to you could be so trivial compared to what someone else is mentally going through yet they may keep their's hidden behind a small smile. 

So you have an issue but you haven't addressed it with the company you have an issue with.  While I know I sometimes have a tendency to be sarcastic, I will normally not go that route initially, depending on what I am told.  I will first tell you "take a breath and call them to see what you can do, it is probably an easy fix." THAT is a nice thing.  THAT is me trying to neutralize the anger.  THAT is me trying to f**king help!  I honestly would not expect to get a "f**k you too, b**ch!" back in response.  I am not sure why I deserved that but okay.  I don't respond to that; I won't respond to that.  THAT is a person trying to start a fight with you because they are mad at someone else.  So I stayed quiet.  That should have been the end of it.  A mentally STABLE person would have realized they overreacted and stopped texting or apologized.  Nope, not in my case.  I received at least 4 more texts detailing why I am a horrible person for not supporting them in their anger at x-company.  WTF?!? I am not one to throw guilt usually but I will make you feel like an @$$ if you push me too far.  After I received a text stating I was a coward for not saying anything, I finally had enough of the "verbal" abuse and replied. "I am sorry if  I am not as chatty as usual, you see I am not exactly having the greatest day either.  I just found out my old dog is dying of bone cancer.  But in relation to our previous exchange about your life altering problem, I still think you should call x-company and ask for some assistance." *crickets*

Not my proudest moment but I got my point across.  Yea your day sucks and yea you took it out on me and yea you had no idea what I was dealing with but that doesn't make it okay.  You didn't stop at one attack.  You continued to use me as a punching bag just because you thought you could, because I am family and that's what I am here for...I guess.  People laugh at me when I say I had a "f**ked up childhood" because they only see my family when they are "normal" or in other words, behaving because others are watching.  I am not kidding, you try having an immediate family that can snap in a split second.  Never knowing if what you say is going to trigger some bat$hit crazy response.  I am a firm believer in "family don't end with blood" because I can say with 100% confidence most of my "family" has zero genetic relation to me. 

Why do you care so much?!?!?

Okay time to be serious for a second.  So I have this "friend" on Facebook.  I put friend in quotes because although we were kinda tight in school we have drifted apart and based on recent posts they are insane now.

Excuse me while I become a broken record but like I've said before EVERYONE is entitled to their opinion(s).  You can have them all day long but once your start forcing your beliefs/opinion(s) on others that NEGATIVELY affects them I want to cover you in paper cuts, roll you in salt and throw you into a pool of lemon juice.

You can be religious, that is fine.  If your religion says that being homosexual is wrong, fine (I guess).  I loosely (key word) follow the same religion but I have a very, very different belief.  These people are just like you and me.  They are human and sorry to burst your bubble but they were also made in God's image so to say.  Some immensely religious people from our youth are gay and that is OKAY!  They were brought up just like us, you can't tell me they were suddenly "corrupted by Satan" or whatever nonsense you have been blabbing all over the inter-webs.  You want freedom of Religion, freedom of speech, just FREEDOM to be you but you don't want these people to have the same?  Why?!?!?! Because they are different?  If you didn't know their preference would you still treat them like they have a horrible disease?  No you wouldn't...so why does it matter to you?!?!?!

How does a gay couple getting married affect you exactly?!?!?!  Because they like someone of the same sex they are evil...bad...corrupt and getting married would enhance that somehow????  I know enough people to know that they are 100% the same as us in every aspect except who they are attracted to.  They just want to be happy with who makes them happy...WHY DO YOU CARE SO MUCH!?!?  Are you scared your children will *gasp* be gay?!?!  And what if they are?  It wont be because they saw two guys kissing...it isn't a freaking lifestyle choice.  If they are attracted to the same sex there is no changing that...it is just who they are so stop trying to change them! I'd be more worried that a serial killer moved in next door.  A gay couple wont murder you in your sleep, they'll probably bring you a bottle of wine and try to be your best friends...ya know like a normal couple because that is all they are, a NORMAL COUPLE.  Stop putting awful things on your Facebook.  You sound like a crazy person!!!

Them: *posts article about "gay marriage" in their area* "OMG, this better get overturned!  They'll start spreading this like the plague!!!"
Me:  *thinking* Did you just compare "gay marriage" to plague??? Are you f**king kidding me?!?!? 


Just note that I'm not associated with them anymore.  A while back I posted something about two of my friends getting married in another state, "OMG (Insert Friend name) and (Insert other friend name) are getting married in (insert state name) today!!!" It was meant to be happy.  I posted the exact same effing thing when my BFF and her husband got married last year.  But on this one, swear to God they commented with "OMG how horrifying!  I can't believe they are doing that to you!!!" Ummmm what?!?  They think just because we knew each other and are both Catholic that my post was meant to be negative.  Why would I TAG them if I was trying to be an @$$????  I responded with "I am happy for them, they are my friends." They responded with "you should know that it is wrong and are guilty by association." Guilty of what?!?!  I ended up deleting the exchange because I didn't want my friends to see it.  I instead messaged them my well wishes.  I am surprised they left me as a friend on FB since I associate with such "heathens", I should have deleted them then but I forgot about them honestly.

Then recently they went on a rant about a transgender child who was wanting to use the girls bathroom because he identifies as female.  They were going bat$hit about him just wanting to peep on the girls and that he was a perv and all this other really awful stuff.  I think they went so far as to say  something about transgender persons being monsters and accepting them would be the "downfall of society" and the beginnings of "Armageddon".  For one she is a CHILD, stop it!  Second, she was asking because she was getting bullied horrifically in the boys bathroom.  There were other things posted about this topic.  One about a female in the army who identified as male and another that happened at a gym.  The army sided with my "friends" beliefs, the gym sided with mine.  Can you picture the comments that happened?!?!?  They were awful...(I finally blocked them).  Mind you I saw these articles on other pages as well but they weren't posted with hatred. 

Seriously the things they said made me want to cry.  Doesn't your religion teach you about acceptance????  Teach you to love EVERYONE???  I seriously don't think Jesus was like "love everyone...except that guy...don't love him, he is different".  I don't see this type of discrimination often because I happen to be "straight" and tend to surround myself with people who think like me. But when I see it I want to build a wall and protect all those who experience this type of hate.  No one deserves to be treated poorly just because they are "different".  That goes for EVERYONE not just who you choose to believe is like you. 

That is so NOT okay

We all have self confidence issues.  Well most of us do.  There are days where you can't bear to look at your reflection or just plain don't want to leave your house because you think you look bad or feel bad about yourself.  It is unfortunate but it happens to the best of us.  The flip side of that is when you start feeling better about yourself so your confidence soars to new heights and it is evident to everyone that you are happy.  I am not talking bi-polar mood swings just the normal we all get down in the dumps about our appearance, etc type stuff. 

What happens a lot of times though is you are on the upswing but you aren't quite back to your normal semi-confident self yet so you mask it.  I mask it by forcing myself to smile and have fun.  I personally don't think that is a bad thing but a shrink may disagree.  It actually helps me to get back on track faster.  Others mask it differently by putting others down and that is why I say "that is so NOT okay". 

Just because you feel down about yourself does not mean you have the right to put everyone else down.  Yea you might be on the "upswing" of your whatever but trying to make everyone else look bad is not okay.  So you started working out, good on you but that doesn't give you an open to make a snide comment about someone else's weight...not even in jest (and saying "no offense"doesn't negate what was said).  So you got a new electronic doohickey that everyone else has, awesome sauce, just because someone else has a different brand or version does not make yours/theirs better/worse.  They do the same effing thing...why is this now a competition.  You have problems at home...I am sorry...I really am but do not deflect your home issues onto everyone else in public.  Just because you want to have complete control of your sig other doesn't mean everyone else does...so when they are inquisitive it's not to be controlling...it's probably because they either didn't hear or are curious. 

But the worst...the absolute worst is putting down a child.  And don't tell me "I'm just kidding".  There are ways to be sarcastic and funny with kids where they know you are being sarcastic and funny and still love them to bits.  If a child looks at you like you ripped their heart out, they do not get the joke.  You just crushed them.  And honestly, if you would have spoken to me that way I probably wouldn't have laughed either.  Instinctively we pick up on underlying tones.  You can smile all day long but something in the tone of voice, in the glint of the eyes, hints that you aren't really joking.  In addition...who the eff calls a child or baby ugly?!?!?  What is so wrong in your life that you have to say something that horrible?!?!  Yea it may not have been said to their face but what is the point of even voicing that thought.  Saying a child is bratty...okay I get that I guess but flat out saying an innocent baby is ugly...what is wrong with you?!?!

Sure some kids are traditionally cuter than others but come on!  I don't think I have ever looked at a child and thought "ugly".

It is not in my nature.  I tend to see beauty in everyone.  Not kidding, I have always been this way which is why people always said I dated "below my standards" or was "too pretty" to be friends with some.  It is because I saw past everything our society says is "unattractive".  It is obvious these persons are going through something and are lashing out.  Yes they may tell us about all the wonderful things happening to them and complain about the mundane stuff but clearly something else is going on.  We are well out of our uninformed youth, being mean/a bully to anyone, much less a child, is uncalled for 100% of the time. 

Truthfully, I don't think some people realize what they are doing.  It is like a defense mechanism but that still isn't an excuse.  And responding with "I am not apologizing for being me" doesn't wipe the slate clean either.  You can be you without crushing someone else.  It concerns me how oblivious people are about their actions.  What if something you said or did because you felt bad about yourself pushed someone over the edge?!?  How would you feel knowing your "joking" caused someone to choose anorexia or to otherwise hurt themselves?!?!  It happens, I witnessed it first hand.  Uncles "joking" with their niece about her weight because she was ever so slightly bigger than the other kids.  She almost died!  She nearly starved herself to death!!! It was flipping baby fat you assholes!  Was I the only one that saw past the "unattractive" body type of a CHILD???  Because of you she damaged her body and mind!

**NOTE** I am not talking about goodhearted joking amongst friends/family.  I am talking about the words in jest laced with venom said for no apparent reason. 

These aren't my images, I google searched them to make a point.

I guess Bullies never truely grow up. . .

Okay I am not being bullied in the traditional sense.  But I am getting really tired of having to defend myself.  I am different, that is NO secret.  I have my own style that doesn't always fit with the norm.  I follow trends I like and I mix traditional with trendy.  I have an unconventional personality.  I usually make comments or jokes that not all people will get or maybe not all find funny.  I'm not being super nerd, its just how my brain works.  Its me...its always been me, I am over 30, this is not a new development!  But I have no problem making friends and most people like me so I must be doing something right.

I am saying this because today someone whom I see daily just tried to make me feel like ass for one of my trendy choices.  This is not a new occurrence, she knocks my "style" and personality regularly.  Okay yes I work in a professional environment and must dress accordingly.  But I use some flexibilities to express my style with accessories.  A newer trend re-surfacing is bow ties.  Well I am a girl and while I could wear a bow tie if I wanted, it would look kinda silly with my dress.  Instead I found this SUPER cute blue bow bracelet.  Its a little big for my arm but I have itty bitty wrists so pretty much anything on my arm looks ginormous.  I personally think its adorable and have been complemented by strangers in public so yea whatever. 

Yes, I know its different but I like it, so :P.   Here is how the conversation went down.  We were discussing something and I was talking with my hands (as usual) and she stopped me mid-sentence.  She said "what is THAT on your arm?"  I said um, its a bow.  She said "well why are you wearing it?"  I said well its a bracelet.  She said "yea but WHY?  I saw it yesterday and thought it was weird".  I replied, its just a bracelet, I thought it was cute.  She said "well its not, its weird and it looks silly.  I guess whatever".  And she walked out.  Proceeded to walked to another person and talk extremely loud  and both of them laughed wildly.  Can I say for sure it was about me...no, but the timing is just screaming they are being mean girls. 

Wow...really?  So just because its not your style its not kosher?  Its a flipping bow bracelet, I didn't walk in with blue hair, shaved on one side and a lip ring.  In a professional environment I can see how THAT may incite criticism but really a blue freaking bow bracelet?!?  And she keeps harping on it.  Like if she annoys me enough about it, I'll take it off.  Seriously, I don't look like I'm going to the club or anything.  I have on a maxi skirt, dress top, heels and well this. 

Its not that big of a deal I know but its not the only thing just the one the pushed me over the edge a bit.  I am regularly criticized for not blending with the norm by nearly everyone around me...well except a couple friends and my husband.  My family now seems to find my determination to be an individual  acceptable.  It defines me, ha.  I am not a sheep, I do not say Baaaah :P.  I am my own person and if I want to wear a bow on my wrist, bright nail polish, whatever, whats the big deal...?  Does it break dress code standards...?  If so, okay I guess I'll stop wearing it but I really don't see how that would be a dress code infraction.  Someone else around here comes to work in t-shirts, jeans and tennis shoes daily maybe go harp on them a bit. 

Like I said, not your bullying in the traditional sense but its habitual badgering for me to change who I am and while they are minor personality traits they are me and I don't want them to go away!  

When did it become not "OK" to be yourself. . .

. . . oh right, its never been "OK" to be yourself. Especially if that self is not in line with what others think is "cool" or acceptable

I can't believe I actually just said that.  I mean I am by no means in High School, yet I am experiencing and observing grown @$$ people (yes I said grown @$$) treating others poorly because they are different.  Shouldn't we have all learned, possibly in Kindergarten, that being different isn't necessarily bad???  We are all important!  I know, I know it is said that people are predispositioned to be wary of anything they don't understand.  I just thought with all of the advancements and knowledge we have now that maybe, just maybe we were outgrowing this barbaric attitude.  Wow am I wrong, and I hate being wrong.

I am not putting all persons in this category but there are many more than I'd like to admit that fit into this group.  I was never one to be bullied back in the day.  I wasn't a "cool" person but I wasn't a "nerd".  I liked what I liked and no one hated on me for it.  Actually, I had lots of friends of all shapes, sizes and interests.  I enjoyed science, I was good at math, I had good grades and I was in many extra-curricular activities and I loved Star Trek (shush).  I went to college, I partied and I managed to get a degree.  My point is, aside from all this "normalcy" I've always been drawn towards things considered "nerdy" but I've never really been ousted because of those interests. I knew of others that were ousted but I myself never truly experienced it and I tried my darnedest to not be associated with those that were so harshly judgmental.  Actually I made more of an effort to befriend those being persecuted to let them know they weren't alone.  I wasn't always successful but I did try to be the better person.

Flash forward a sum of years. . . some of those that were hurt back in the day have become the persecutors.  Again let me say...NOT ALL...but the reversal is astonishing.  People who know what its like to be an outcast for liking something different or being nerdy are the ones dishing out the judgement.  And then of course there are the others that never quite grew out of the "I'm cooler than you phase".

Why am I ranting, you may ask.  Well because as I get older I am not hiding what I like.  Not that I really hid it before but I guess to an extent I did around certain people.  Regardless, I am still me.  I still love science, I'm still decent at math, I watch Sci-Fi shows & read fantasy novels and I still make friends with almost everyone (I don't hold against you for who you are, what you like, who you like or what you believe).  But as of late I have been criticized for being like this.  I'm too nice, I'm too agreeable and I don't "like the right things" or say the right things or even like the right people.  Basically I am being told I need to grow up and be an adult.  And I've watched others in various aspects of my life change themselves so that they aren't bullied for being different.  But since when is being passionate about...well anything...being childish.  Yes I obsess a little over fictional characters and situations but I am fully aware that they are in fact fictional and it does not actually affect my reality.  Its my escape from a normal world.  Yes, I have a really good life.  I do, I am blessed so they say but sometimes you need an escape and that's what these "nerdy" things are for me...an escape.  A time where I don't have to think about money or work or cleaning the house.  I get to travel in time as a companion, hang out with supernatural creatures, be the heroine and fail miserably.  There are lessons in all these stories. . .accept people for who they are because they are important and they accept you for who you are with all of your flaws and desires.  What makes my likes and wants any less important than yours?  So I am passionate about science and fiction. . . you are passionate about sports or maybe fashion or maybe reality TV or maybe you like playing marbles with glass eyeballs....While I do love me some sports and I dress to impress (sometimes), I am not an huge fan of reality TV.  It annoys me to no end but ya know what if you like it, more power to you.  The glass eyeballs is a little odd but hey whatever floats your boat.  My point is I'm not going to stop liking you because you enjoy something I don't (unless it involves bestiality, murder, torture, etc. . . in that case I think there is a nice padded room with your name on it). . . so don't criticize me for my passions, please.

My lesson to my future little ones and any little ones that look up to me will always be don't change yourself because you don't fit in someone's mold.  There is no cookie cutter way to be . . . if there was there wouldn't be any individuals just a mass of the same, like I don't know...like algae...hell even algae varies a little.  Just be you and if they don't like you for being you than they do not deserve your friendship or love.  Okay rant over. . . closing with some words of wisdom.


One of my favorite quotes from a fictional and flawed hero "Nobody important. Blimey, that's amazing. Did you know that in 900 years of time and space I've never met someone who wasn't important before?" ~The Doctor


This doesn't just apply to my nerdy side. . .this applies to people who are different in ANY way. We are all important damn it! :)