Only the good die young

Okay that's a tad dramatic but this is my first real experience with a childhood crush passing.  I am not terribly old but I am a bit younger than Luke Perry.  With that said, I had teensy...tiny...crush on him back in the day.  He was Dylan!  He was Pike! More recently, he was Fred Andrews!  My point is he meant something to me and was close enough in age. 

I watched 90210...well when I got a little older..maybe. When it first came out I was kinda young for the content BUT I still watched *shhh don't tell mom*.   I, like every other girl around, had a crush on Dylan and Brandon.

Side Note - I love seeing Jason Priestley on TV again.  Its not a bad show, check it out "Private Eyes".  

Anyways this is about Luke.   This is about a cute older actor that I totes had a crush on.  Yea, I had posters of him, yes I fangirled when I saw him on TV, YES I WAS AT BACCHUS SCREAMING LIKE AN IDIOT IN 2000. 

He wasn't that much older than me.  Well a bit but still young enough.  When I saw he had a stroke I couldn't believe it.  When I got the news alert today that he passed, I was in shock.  This cannot be.  He is 52 years old!  He is 5 years older than my current celeb fav. This.can.not.be!

I know I have dealt with my idols being lost in recent years but this isn't really an idol.  This was different.  He is close enough in age to me to freak me out.  This isn't a drug over dose or freak accident.  He had a stroke!  A stroke...at 52.  My heart is broken...especially for his family...his friends...and his fans. 

He seemed like a decent guy.  He was a good actor.  He was one of my 90's crushes.

He was Dylan...DYLAN!  Everyone's favorite bad boy.

Also, I truly did like him as Pike.  The movie was cheesy as hell but it fueled my nerdy little future even more.  I love horror, always have, but a teenage, valley girl, cheerleader VAMIPRE SLAYER...what is happening!?!??!  Teenage heart throb and vampires (NOT TWILIGHT!) Best thing EVER! 

I am so sad this has happened.  R.I.P. kind sir.  You are gone from this world way too soon. 

You don't have to agree with someone100% to think they are amazing

This isn't about anything crazy or deep.  Just that last night I watched the last Daily Show with Jon Stewart...and cried my eyes out at the end!  He has been my nightly "news" person for the last SIXTEEN years!!!  That's a long time to watch the same show most nights before bed.  Did I miss it sometimes?  Of course but I watched it more often than not.  I even watched it when I was with my Ex who HATED the show saying it was an insult to intelligent people or something like that. 

I should also mention I was heartbroken when Colbert signed off as well.  I watched both of those shows for so long.  Its been hard to adjust to not seeing Colbert on my TV anymore...now I have to adjust to both being gone, albeit Colbert is coming back on The Late Show. 

My point is you don't have to agree with him or even like him to appreciate his wit, his intelligence, his opinion.  He wasn't opposed to saying controversial things...bringing to light the idiotic things that "normal" news reporters would never say.  It's called SATIRE people...quit being so sensitive!  No one was safe and it was HILARIOUS! It did make you think though...think passed all the BS that was beat into our heads everyday. 

If you had half a brain you could understand what he was saying and not take offense, because what he said was usually spot on (you do know he had writers also...right?!?!).  I hate politics, I hate politicians, and I hate political news correspondence.  But when you have someone dissect it in a comedic way, it helps me not want to stab my eyes out.  Yes I watch "real" (I use that term lightly) news but I liked his take on it better. He clearly was doing something right...he was on the air for 16 years...16 years!!!  People obviously liked his way of dissecting the world. 

With that said I posted on different Social Media last night that I was sad it was the last show with him.  And the responses I got back in private messages were astounding.  If you have to call me names in a PM instead of publicly you are a coward.  Just because I enjoyed his show doesn't make me Unpatriotic, a Baby Killer Supporter (WTF really?!?), Reverse Racist (I don't even get that one), Ignorant (I don't think I am the ignorant one here), etc.  Thankfully there were only a few.  I did get one public response saying "Good!" which that's fine...if you don't like him, that is fine but why the other bull$hit?!?!  The rest were positive (and public), agreeing that he will be missed. 

I go online everyday and see things I think are awful from some of my "friends"...things I don't necessarily agree with but I am not going to bully them in PM.  If I feel the need to say something I will but I refuse to attack people.  Everyone is entitled to an opinion.  Do I now think some are bigots or racist or uninformed...yes...but most of the ones that post that crap publicly are in fact ignorant and you can't argue with stupid so when it gets out of hand, I ignore them and move on. 

That is all...and yes I just about sobbed when he said:

"This show isn't ending. We're merely taking a small pause in the conversation. A conversation which, by the way, I have hogged … So rather than saying goodbye, or goodnight, I'm just going to say: I'm going to get a drink, and I'm sure I'll see you guys before I leave. So here it is – my moment of zen."  

I can't watch 8 season in 7 days on Netflix??? I can't watch a 60 min show in 45 min...? *Peeeesh* ... *Challange Accepted*

I know we've all been there...weeeeell those of us who actually like and watch GOOD television (have I mentioned I am NOT a fan of Reality TV?).  Anyway, with that said I've noticed in my Netflix and Regular TV viewings, there are some Shows/Movies I can watch over and over and over and over.  I mean its to the point where I make myself aware of what I am doing so I don't have to subject the hubs to the same (weird) stuff a gazillion times.  So I thought I would list them out and see how weird I actually am (I know I'm weird, humor me).

In no particular order:

• Jurassic Park
• The Fifth Element
• Star Trek (any of it basically)
• Disney Movies (pick one)
• Anastasia
• The Prince of Egypt
• Doctor Who
• Sherlock (both the show and the movies)
• Buffy the Vampire Slayer
• Firefly
• Jaws
• The Big Bang Theory
• Friends
• Castle
• Supernatural
• The Princess Bride
• Marvel Movies (I have seen some of them WAAAAY too many times)
• War Games
• The Terminator (mainly 1 & 2 but I'll watch any of them if they are on)
• The Matrix (only the original)
• Back to the Future (all of them)
• Mel Brooks Movies (they are so silly but I can quote all of them)
• Some National Lampoon Movies 
• Christmas Vacation
• Animal House
• Vacation
• Van Wilder
• Vegas Vacation
• Monty Python and the Holy Grail
• Men in Black (1 & 2)
• Harry Potter (ALL of them)
• The Never Ending Story 
• The Labyrinth
• Ancient Aliens (I am such a weirdo)
• Actually almost anything on History/Discovery
• Tim Burton Movies (whenever they are on, ALWAYS)
• Ghostbusters
• The Boondock Saints
• Fight Club
• Shaun of the Dead/Hot Fuzz/The Worlds End
• Star Wars (Ep. IV, V, VI)
• Interview with a Vampire
• Shrek

I know there are probably many more but these are my most recent (most memorable) watch it if its on TV & Movies.   The ones above, most of them have been seen a minimum of 10 times (more in a few cases, less in others) over many years.  With the TV shows, I obviously haven't seen every episode 10 times (in some cases it is possible) BUT I've seen enough Episodes so many times I can recite lines like a crazy person.  It's so funny to me because I've seen A LOT of movies and watched quite a few TV Shows and there are some I just don't want to see again...even if they are phenomenal. Then there are these that I can quote, almost verbatim, at least parts of the movies/shows.

**UPDATE** OMG How did I forget Indiana Jones!?!  I'll even watch that atrocity that came out a few years ago...I don't care...IT'S INDIANA JONES!!!

Whose voice is that...?

Everyone hears a voice(es) in their head.  Not in the mentally unstable way!!!  In the as you are reading something way.  Whose voice is it???  It isn't my own.  When a book has "British" male characters...whose voice am I using when I am reading...

I have a feeling it is mostly influenced by what we see on TV/hear on the radio.  But what determines whose voice your brain uses.  For example I can't read the last name Miller without hearing a strong Scottish accent.  I know why, I watch Broadchurch...but her last name was also Miller in Gracepoint yet I don't hear the unusual "American" Accent that was used. Is it because I watched Broadchurch first...possibly.   Or maybe I just prefer the Scottish accent over the, uh, different sounding, American one...(I am not judging...I could not fake an accent to save my life so yea.)

Other than that I can't place where the accent comes from.  Whose English voice am I using when I read?!?!!??!  Whose Canadian accent is that?!?!  I don't know anyone from Boston... Mid-western...how does one define that when they are from the South?!!??!  Scottish...there is a huge difference between the way Sean Connery and Ewan McGregor sound (at least to me).  How does it work (in your head)???  I mean there are so many!!! The females voices aren't mine, I don't think... How does our brain determine what characters sound like as we read, hmmm.  If I see a movie before I read the book, I am fairly certain the voices I "hear" are those of the actors but what about the other way around.  I read Hunger Games before the movies came out...my Katniss didn't sound like Jennifer Lawrence, she sounded more mousey in my head... not sure why.  Probably because they said over and over how she really didn't want to be noticed.  She was independent but  didn't want to be a leader.  In my head that gave her a softer, less authoritative voice, I guess. 

I'm sure much of it depends on the authors description but still.  And yes I know dialects differ across countries...hello an "American accent" could mean any number of things.  It boggles the mind!!!  I thought about it because today we were talking about sexy accents and Jamie Dornan came up.  He has a nice smooth Northern Irish accent (I had to look that up...I don't know the difference), very alluring.  But in my head when I am told "Irish Accent" they sound more like the brothers from Boondock Saints.  Which is still sexy but in a whole other way.   I just don't know!!! Someone tell me where the voices in my head come from!!!

OMG, I sound like a complete basket case right now.  Maybe I need a nap...I think I am over thinking this...

Why does crying imply you are weak or can't control your emotions?

I've always felt like a good cry is like a release.  All the pent up emotions can come flooding out whether it is because you are happy or sad.  I know it's not a sign of weakness or being soft or whatever it just means you can feel.  I guess I've never really understood why people are embarrassed by showing emotion even though I seem to have trouble myself. 

I am not very good at following my own advice.  I try not to cry fairly regularly. At least when other people are around.  And it's not that I am embarrassed really...maybe I am who knows.  I think it's because I've been conditioned to believe that crying is bad and people should never see you cry.  Even at traditionally sad events, like oh I dunno a funeral.  I will detach myself from the room mentally, not make eye contact, limit the physical contact, look at the ceiling, think of something, anything that has nothing to do with the fact that someone I know is gone and people I care about are a wreck.  I used to think I was weird but apparently this is the norm.  But if we all (or many of us) do this, then how do we say goodbye and grieve the loss?  Why we do it in private, in the shower, in bed with the sheets pulled over our heads, in the car...anywhere we are alone.  This cannot be healthy...or maybe it is and it is just how we learn to deal with things. 

I'm thinking about this recently because I have a friend whose dog is dying.  Well he seems healthy at the moment but he has some major underlying issues that may shorten his life.  I can empathize with her.  I feel that pain.  I have dogs, I've always had them and its hard when they are sick.  So I tear up when she tears up. Then I look away or make a stupid joke so we both stop crying.  She appreciates me being funny but why is it such a bad thing that I feel so close to the situation that I feel her pain and cry a little.  It's almost like we are all embarrassed to show we have feelings.  Or feel like we have to be strong for them but it makes us more detached. Maybe we feel too vulnerable...I just don't know. 

So when can I cry freely...its so weird I can't even believe I am saying this.  I cry mostly when I watch TV...but only if I am alone.  Like if my hubs is there, I try REALLY really hard not to cry because I feel silly.  But he knows my triggers and stares at me and I ignore him.  There are occasions that catch me off guard.  Like HIMYM last week.  It was the Lily is pregnant again ending...and I didn't see it coming so it slapped me in the face and I cried.  It was happy but I cried...I felt so stupid and actually said "this F*****G show".  My hubs thought it was cute, whatever.  Now if I am alone some TV or Movies can make me pretty much sob.  I watched Journey's End and Doomsday on Netflix while alone and cried my freaking eyes out.  Like inconsolable...okay okay maybe not that bad but I was for sure crying.  My hubs asked me later why I looked like I had been crying and I told him about the ending of whichever one I had watched that day.  And he was like "he left her on the beach?!?! That's just cruel!" And I was like he had no choice, etc etc etc.  Then sometime later I watched Vincent and the Doctor, it was the end and I was like OMG why did I start watching this show as I hiccuped through tears, when my hubs walked in and was like "um are you okay?"  And I told him about the stupid show (that I LOVE) and he chuckled and said as long as you are okay.  And it's not just that show.  Clearly other shows make me cry but if someone else is there I try to hold it in (so stupid!).  Like the ending to Merlin, I didn't cry, I wanted to but managed not to.  If I watch it again alone, I would sob! And I do that...I re-watch episodes & movies on Netflix that I know will make me cry when I feel like I need a good sob.  I swear I feel like I am Edward Norton's character in Fight Club.  Not the split personality part (that's a little mental), the part where he nightlights at the support groups even though he doesn't have Cancer, a parasite or whatever just so he can feel (cry).  I am not that bad but I use TV Shows and movies in a similar way.   Maybe I should see a therapist....maybe this is why I have anxiety attacks randomly (thankfully not too often). 

I don't know when this being hesitant to cry started because when I lived home and something sad happened on TV or in a movie my mom and I cried together.  And when I lived with my friends we didn't hide our emotions...OMG we sobbed together at the endings to Buffy and Angel and at some of the other episodes (when her mom died...I think we all died a little inside).  But now...now we kinda poke fun at each other for crying or say "you are ridiculous" if one of us is crying over a fictional character.  I don't know when we started doing that.  Like we try not to cry when we go to the movies together even though I know (usually from reading the books) that I would want to sob like a baby.  When my friend started crying next to me in Hunger Games, I just handed her a napkin without looking.  I had teared up but nothing spilled over and I was proud of myself for that...WTH!?!?  Now in Star Trek Into Darkness I cried...I couldn't hold it in and the hubs just held my hand (ya know he's pretty awesome).  But there was a 60+ year old man next to me sobbing also so bite me. 

My point is I've learned to hold it in until I am alone.  That cannot be normal or healthy but I know I am not the only one who does it.  We are taught that holding in other things (bodily functions) for too long can cause physical harm and we shouldn't do it.  I think the same goes for emotions (I am fairly certain its a proven medical fact).  If we hold it in it will cause harm to us.  But we still do it.  We slap on a happy face for hours and then cry alone in the shower, or wherever.  I am trying to make an effort to not hide my emotions but it is hard.  I am not talking about losing my shit at every little thing.  I am talking about when its normal to cry and I force myself to hold it in.  I guess now that I am aware of it, it may make it easier but I don't see me crying freely without hesitation in "public" happening anytime soon.  Until then I will continue to randomly cry in the shower or at fictional happenings to relieve the pressure that is clearly building in my head.