Ya know Math just isn't for some people......

But those people maybe shouldn't work in the accounting or billing dept.....

Look I get it. I have besties who sometimes the numbers just don't click.  And its okay.  There is nothing wrong with that.  But when you work with money or better yet OTHER people's money, you should have a basic understanding of numbers. 

If you are AP or AR you should know that a number in parentheses is a negative.  A negative number...is a credit.  A credit should be SUBTRACTED from a total not added to it.  

You should also understand what "billing cycle" means.  And most times a billing cycle is billed AFTER the cycle ends.  So if say your billing cycle run from 11/11-12/10 and is due on the 1st of the following month.  That would mean they are due on 1/1....right?  Right.  This would also mean that the next billing cycle (12/11 - 1/10) would be due on 2/1, right? Right.  

So if you were me and got a bill for 11/11 - 12/10 AND 12/11 - 1/10 saying they are BOTH due on 1/1 you would have an issue, right?  How can you bill me for 12/11 - 1/10 when we are still in the middle of said billing cycle?!?!

Apparently that was confusing to the poor AR person I was speaking with.  He tried but he tried wrong.  He tried to make me feel stupid, tell me I needed to ADD the (12.66) to my total not SUBTRACT it, and mansplain how billing works.  That works never with me.  I was kind until he tried to make me feel dumb and spoke down to me.  

At that point I was not kind.  I didn't yell.  That isn't my style.  I started asking questions making him realize he was not in the right...to the point that he finally gave in and got his manager.  What was worse, that manager did the same thing, well he tried to.  Then when he realized I had a brain he told me to call in to customer loyalty tomorrow since it was clear my billing was incorrect and he didn't have the authority to pull the detail to actually help me.  

If you can't help someone that's okay BUT don't treat them like $hit, make them feel inferior, or speak down to them just to make yourself right.  That is crap customer service and you should not be in that position.  

My vagina says you're an @$$hole

Just because you have a penis doesn't mean you can do or say whatever you want.  It goes the other way too.  Just  because you lack a penis doesn't mean you can do or say what you want.  Basically, genitalia shouldn't determine how you treat people.

With that said, I don't care how angry you are...you never never NEVER speak like this to a vendor/client/other human being. 

A client messed up.  Not a big mess up but an annoyance, EASILY fixable.  Except he didn't want to accept he was responsible for creating said annoyance.  So he proceeded to lose his f**king mind on the phone.  At first he just yelled a lot and spoke over me. 

With every shred of patience I could muster I waited until he was done and tried speaking again.  After carefully telling him there was an issue but I could fix it, he started screaming at me that I TOLD him to do it that way.  Ummm no I didn't.  Yes, you did.  Right, lets agree to disagree and get this fixed. 

But it didn't stop there.  As I was actively trying to find a feasible solution he was flipping out about how stupid we are, how stupid our system is, how inconvenient it is that he has to do all the work to fix HIS mistake.  I ignored the slimy dick socket while I chatted online with my CSR. 

Then I hear him pull the phone away from his ear and growl like a f**king psychopath.  He came back and asked if I was going to attempt to fix it or if I fell asleep. 

I calmly responded with "I am chatting with a CSR right now to come up with the best solution." He pulled the phone away AGAIN and growled like a rabid dog, came back and yelled "well I didn't f**king know that now did I?!?!?"

To which I replied, I got tired of you "speaking" over my explanations and decided to just fix it.  The insecure crotch goblin did his best impression of Beast roaring into the phone and screamed "you can't speak to me like that you ignorant c**t!!!!!!!!!!!" 

I immediately hung up the phone and told my boss.  Me and my CSR implemented the solution but I still needed to tell him it was fixed.  Before I could think about just sending an email my phone rang. 

I answered sweet as pie to a fuming psychopath who demanded to speak to my boss.  Sure, whatever.  My boss came on the line and introduced HERself.  The infected whale vagina says eerily calm, "I said I wanted to speak to the boss not another b**ch playing boss". 

The call was immediately terminated. 

My boss called his boss...hilarity ensued.  Mainly because that white trash taint monster tried to deny EVERYTHING.  Um sir, remember when you called in and the automated assistant said "this call may be recorded for quality assurance".  Yea, you were recorded. 

I may have gotten someone fired and honestly I don't f**king care.  Yes, I know I am being insulting here but I didn't say it to him or his boss...therefore I win the decent human award for the day.

Lesson of the Day:  Don't speak poorly to people and if you do for whatever reason make sure you aren't being recorded...dip$hit!  What is wrong in your life that you feel like that was an acceptable response to "I f**ked up and need your help".

That's it, where is the "unlucky" rabbits foot...it needs to be salted and burned!

For real though, can we get a "reset the day button".  A do-over, like in video games.  $hit is going down fast lets try again. 

1.  My cable company *cough* Comcast *cough, cough* sucks real big donkey d**k.  I've tried and tried and tried and f**king tried to make it work with them and it just isn't (stupid contract keeping me in a bad relationship*grumble grumble*).  They will be fine for like 2 months and then I have to call and freak out because my service is $hit or because they billed me wrong or pick something, its probably happened!  Because of said $hitty service we bought our own cable modem for the interwebs and shockingly enough $hit suddenly works...you can't tell me they don't f**k with your stuff when they have access to it...I sound crazy but I don't think I am.  Anyways, I returned their CRAP modem and got a receipt.  This was in JULY!  It was removed for August, then in September it popped back up on my bill...hold up Mother F**ker what you trying to pull here?!?!?!?  I try to call and I can't get through.  The call immediately drops WTF.  I had FIVE OTHER PEOPLE try from their cell phones (all ATT) and they can't get through...I had someone from a Verizon phone call and it worked...hmmmmm. Also, landlines work....hmmmmm. Whatever, I call, I lose my $hit its credited back and I am told the phone issue is an ATT issue.  Okaaaaaaay.  They say its a Comcast issue (I'll get to that in the next).  I loud cap Comcast on Twitter and finally someone believes me because HIS phone which isn't in LA can't dial the 800# either...I think I heard angels sing. 

 

Anyways....October bill and November bills are fine and suddenly I get a letter "Ooooops we've been billing you wrong, you will see a $10 charge for your Wireless Gateway on the next bill".  What the actual f**k?!?!?!  I DON'T HAVE THAT ANYMORE!  So I try to call and the stupid f**king 800# wont work.  I don't have a landline so I loud cap them AGAIN on Twitter.  He was helpful but didn't believe me.  I sent a picture of the receipt and the letter.  He said "July?!?!?!" Yes f**king July!  Stop trying to bill me for stuff I don't have!!!!  It gets "fixed" after they call me.  And I am told again the phone thing is an ATT issue, call them.  Mother F**ker!!!!

2.  After the 1st insanity with Comcast in September, ATT does some research.  They can't see anywhere its blocked.  They reset my something to my phone.  They checked that I don't have 800#'s blocked (clearly, I don't because I can f**king call them).  They are very nice and concerned and trying to be helpful.  I get to a top tech dude and he is baffled.  They put in a service ticket.  They call me four days later and say its a Comcast issue and they will work with them to fix it.  K, thanks, bye.  After the most recent fiasco I call them AGAIN. I get another tech dude.  He basically does the same $hit and blames Comcast.  I finally had had enough and said "I don't care whose problem it is tell me HOW to fix it!" I told him it started after Baton Rouge and the surrounding areas flooded.  I know for a fact that a MAJOR ATT hub went under and we ALL had service issues for the next week.  So maybe check that and quit putting me off.  I think I stunned him with my "infinite" f**king intelligence.  Look dude I'm not a moron, I did my own investigation before I called.  He opened another ticket so they can see exactly what is happening and let me know.  Great....

3.  My 4 y/o f**king car decided that it wants to leak oil.  Why?!!?!? So I call two different dealerships that service my type of vehicle and ask questions.  Mind you I've already looked up recalls and known issues and *gasp* this is a known f**king issue with the y/m/m of my car *face palm*.  I leave detailed messages with the service admin for a tech or manager to call me but I leave out my knowledge of the issue, just say whats happening. 

• Dealership 1 calls me back.  Oh that sounds like a cracked oil pan (mind you I haven't hit anything and it just started when the temp dropped below 35). More than likely that is it and it will cost roughly $625 because of labor and parts.  So I said, I've been told its a faulty drain plug.  So they say well probably not but if its that, it is $354 because of labor & parts.  I said the part is like $50...you can't tell me it will take you 2.5 hours to replace a plug....? They said yes...okay I'll call y'all when I am ready.

• I get an email from Dealership 2.  "We have received your inquiry on the (y/m/m of my current car).  That is an excellent choice!   A sales team member will make every effort to contact you within one hour or less to answer any questions you made in your initial contact and see how we can help you. We realize you have a choice when shopping for a vehicle and we thank you for giving us a chance to earn your business."  
  WHAT THE F**CK?!?! My response may have been a tad @$$hole-ish.  "Yea, I know a (y/m/m of my current car) is great...I own one.  I bought it from y'all....I wanted a quote about a repair that I've been informed is a flaw in many (y/m/m of my current car)'s...it leaks oil." less than a minute later I get a call from a service tech.  I explain the issue.  He says (without me saying anything about the "known" issue)  "Oh, they probably left the old gasket on the drain plug.  Each new oil filter has a new gasket.  If they don't remove the old one the drain plug doesn't fit as snugly so it leaks." I ask about cost...he said "do you need an oil change? That's all it will cost."

So based off this info...one dealership wants to charge me $600+ dollars to fix something that isn't wrong when the other dealership will fix it for $69. 'Scuse me while I scream into a pillow.  

4.  I went purchase something at a store on my way home.  There were 4 people in front of me at checkout.  I got to the counter.  Got my stuff rung up and the f**king system crashes.  Not just reboots...CRASHES. The poor clerk was so distraught.  He tried everything.  I couldn't leave...I needed to make that purchase.  45 min later I am finally on my way home.  Wine and soft PJ's are calling my name.

5.  I got home and one of the pups had had explosive poopies all over the place.  It smelled like something died in my house.  I legit started crying...and laughing...but mostly crying.  F**k a glass of wine & PJs, someone give me a bottle of Scotch and a punching bag!  

Yay for it being my last day of work for the week.  I don't think I can handle much more stupidity...

It's just a bunch of Hocus Pocus, right?

I am the one hiding under your bed
Teeth ground sharp and eyes glowing red

I am the one hiding under your stairs
Fingers like snakes and spiders in my hair

This is Halloween, this is Halloween
Halloween! Halloween! Halloween! Halloween!

In this town we call home
Everyone hail to the pumpkin song 

Full Lyrics

Yay, my FAVORITE holiday!!!  So of course I am in something Halloween-y, right...  

Its f**king 90 degrees outside...HELLO, Mother Nature, its OCTOBER...WTF?!?!  Anyways, I bought this shirt, so I am wearing it!

Moving on.  I also had bats in my hair, orange & black nail polish, and black & orange eye lashes.  I don't really leave my office...its fine.  Until your boss calls you AFTER you are at work and says "hey, can you go see so & so (really big customer), I can't make it in time".  Ummmmm sure...I mean I look like Halloween threw up on me but yea sure...no problem (hyperventilating). 

I rolled up to the customer...freaking out a bit...and was greeted at the door by The Doctor (yay!!!) & a vampire. "Oh thank god!".  Soooo turns out they were all dressed up in costume, whoohoo!  I had my meeting, had some Halloween goodies, and went on my way.  We left at 1:30 *whoohoo* "candy, candy, candy, candy". 

You sit on a throne of lies!

So this amazing thing...technology.  You can go online, see whats in stock at your local store, order it, and it should be ready in a timely manner.  OMG so cool...I hate shopping. 

So I did this.  I went online found things in stock and paid for them.  3.25 hours later I still don't have a "hey your order is ready text/email".  Hmmmmm.  So I called.  Most places that offer this service do it within an hour. 

The Customer Service lady says "Hmmm, they usually do it within an hour.  We don't get that many yet, its a newer service and I am pretty sure you are the only one.  Yea, Ima be honest with you, they probably forgot to check the cue.  I'll get them on the phone." Kk.

Other lady:  Mmmmm hmmmm did you get an email saying it was ready?
Me: No.... (whats with the attitude???)
Other lady: Well then it isn't ready.
Me: Okaaaaay...I got that.  I was wondering how long it normally takes.
Other lady: You see once we get it we have to put it in to process it, then we have to go on the floor and find it.  Then we tell you its ready.
Me: Right, I understand the process but how long does that take?
Other lady: Once we get it we have to put it in to process it, then we have to go on the floor and find it.  Then we tell you its ready.
Me: *getting irritated* Yes, yes but I ordered it 3.5 hours ago now and....
Other lady: *hand to God she said*  Once we get it we have to put it in to process it, then we have to go on the floor and find it.  Did you get an email? No. So it isn't ready.
Me: But the first lady said I am the only online order and it usually only takes an hour to....
Other lady: You will get an email *click*

WHAT THE ACTUAL F**K?!?!?  Clearly someone didn't do their job...or didn't want to do their job.  So yea I don't like being a B**ch BUT $hitty customer service is my PET PEEVE.  Therefore I am filing a complaint with corporate.  I shop at this store all the time...makes me want to reconsider.

Ok no problem...wait...did she just call me old?!?

This is a rant, you have been warned!

While I am fully aware that I am not 20, I am also fully aware I don't look my age.  I get mistaken all the time for being much younger which is fine, it doesn't bother me.  I attribute this to wearing a ton of sunscreen and only wearing makeup for special times (not daily), oh and good genes (thanks mom and dad).  It also helps that I am small-ish, I guess. 

With that said I don't like shopping in the "women's department" at most stores.  Misses/Juniors (yes I still shop there sometimes)/trendy.  I will go nude before I put on mom jeans and a weird fitted floral patterned t-shirt.  I do tend to buy things that aren't OVERLY trendy so they usually last a couple seasons without looking completely dated.  Well I cleaned out my closet the other day and decided I'd try out one of those second hand stores that buys your old (gently used) clothes back from you (versus just dropping it all at Goodwill). 

I take very good care of my clothing so most still looks new and its not like Walmart brand, they are nice (mostly trendy) clothes.  I brought a sack of crap to one of these stores and they were all "oh wow, okay give us a couple hours as we have a lot of peeps in front of you".  So I did.  And when I went back this tween with an attitude handed me my sack of crap back and said (with mock sweetness) "oh sorry, I didn't see anything we could buy." That was fine, I don't mind that.  But she didn't stop there.  No, then she said "it's just the brands are kind of *whispers* old." I am distracted "yea, ok. yea, whatever" thinking its because the styles are a couple years old and because I have two more stops to make before I go home.  Then it hit me.  Wait...what?!?  What you mean the styles are "old"?!?  She said "well we cater to a VERY young crowd and they don't wear THOSE brands."  So I looked in the bag making sure it wasn't the one I was supposed to bring to Goodwill (those clothes, I can understand them not taking) but no it was the correct bag.  And you know I am not one to cause a scene but come on.  So I pulled out a BCBG dress, that I've worn twice and said "Are you serious?  You are telling me BCBG isn't good enough for your store...?"  She retracted and said "oh no, we don't take semi-formal/formal attire anymore". Um you couldn't have said that FIRST?!?  So I dug further and pulled out an adorable Guess Romper *raised eyebrow* "Guess isn't good enough then?" She started stumbling over herself.  So I asked, "did you even look in the bag?" *stuttering*. 

Then her manager (maybe) walked up and was sweet as sugar saying "we aren't really accepting ANY women's clothing, we are stocked (pointing at a sign that was WAY above my point of view). But men's clothing and accessories, those we need." That is 100% fine with me and I said so but I was irritated with the way it was handled.  Why couldn't that little girl say "sorry we aren't taking women's clothing at the moment" that is polite, instead of insulting me (because lets be real, you only say that if you are trying to be an @$$), saying my "style" was too old.  I have a feeling they really didn't look in the bag because of the way I was dressed when I walked in.  I was dressed for work which does have an "older" style, because ya know I have restrictions on what I can wear and whatnot. 

I was just flabbergasted at the way it was handled.  Kudos to the manager for trying to make it better but they lost a customer.  I used to shop there and I can tell you with 100% certainty I will never step foot in there again (and yes I did politely voice that before I left).  There are ways to handle customers without putting them down.  Being a brand snob or judging someone on their appearance is not really how it should be handled.  Maybe I should try one of the national chains and see if they are more professional.  Actually I think I am just going to use the online ones Poshmark, Tradesy, Thread-up, etc. 

It's opposite day!

Today is the day that yes mean no, please means f**k you, up means down and don't do that means do it...do it with VIGOR!


I swear I just had a conversation with someone that made me want to beat my head into my desk.  I was informed of a problem. The following ensued.

Me: Oh, ok, I know how to fix it, do this. 
Them: So I should do that, right?  
Me: No, no, no...do this, just like I said it. 
Them: Ohhhhhh okay, so I should do this and that. 
Me: No, make sure you are only doing THIS *clenched teeth*. 
Them: But what about that...  
Me: FORGET THAT, that is not important do this.
Them: I did that and its still not working
Me: Well, its because that isn't what you need...you need this...so do this and ignore that.
Them:  Okaaaay, got it...I guess I didn't realize that was not important....Oh look, it is exactly what I needed.  Who knew?!?
Me: *head on desk* *defeated* Oh good, good, glad it worked.  *thinking* "I knew, I f**king knew and I tried to tell you!!!!!"
Them: Thank you dear, you are a miracle worker!
Me: *internal manic laughter* sure, no problem. Happy to help!

This also happened with another person via email a few minutes prior to that conversation.

~~early in the day~~
Me:  Hey, I need you to go over the attached and tell me how to update it based on the new information.
Them: Oh thanks, delete all of it.
Me:  Um, just to clarify...I should delete everything in the attached...?
Them:  Yes, delete all of it.
*all data deleted as requested*
~~~2 hours later~~~
Them: Where is the data?!?!  It's like it was all deleted.  Why was it all deleted?
Me: *utterly confused* Well that was what you said to do
Them: No, that's not what I meant.  I meant update it.
***WTF?!?!  Since when does delete everything, mean update it***
Me: I'm just going to put it back the way it was until you say otherwise.
Them: No, don't do that it's wrong.
*JFC make up your mind!*

I don't...I don't understand...no comprendo...estoy confundida

I am really trying not to be nit picky but I really think some people need to re-evaluate their jobs.  Seriously, if the highlight of your day is calling me to tell me you are going to send me an email something is off.  If you like talking to me, fine whatever but if you are going to email info over to me, um, just do it.  I don't need to be forewarned.  I am not just sitting here waiting for people to call me.  I have stuff going on but I am required to answer the phone.  So you are stopping me from helping others with your unnecessary call.  Plus, 99.9% of the time I need it in writing anyway so calling me before hand is just delaying what you need to get done because while you are calling, others are emailing me their requests and they are in cue before you now. 

Also, if you send me an email courtesy says wait an hour (at least) before following up.  Don't hit send and then call me.  Mainly because more than half the time I don't have it yet.  Firewalls, etc. can cause a bit of a delay.  So you are calling me saying "hey I sent you an email" and I am going "um no you didn't".  Then I am frantically searching thinking I deleted it or missed it and then you say "oh like I just sent it".  Alright, you could have started out with that.  If its an emergency, send it *URGENT* High Priority.  It will jump to the top of my list and I will reply saying "got it, I will let you know once completed".  Calling right after you send it does nothing but waste both our time. 

I guess it just baffles me.  I am all about email, mainly because I have a record of what is said.  If I need to I will call but then I usually follow up with an "per our conversation" email.  That is mainly just a courtesy to make sure we all heard the same thing.

My point is why call to tell me you are or have emailed me???  My voice isn't that pretty.  I sound like a hyper 12 year old most days.  Tiny voice for a tiny person.  Yes, I do joke around with the ones that call and make them and myself laugh which is fun but now I can't go to lunch because I spent 10 minutes on the phone so you could explain the situation, unfortunately I still need it in an email before I can do anything and apparently it is an Emergency...must be done ASAP.  Eh, who needs to eat....

Am I the only one who understands Customer Service?!?

I am by no means perfect but I have a thing about poor customer service.  Your sole purpose in any field related to Customer Service is to help the customer, make sure the customer is happy and do things in a timely manner.

This does NOT include acting like an ass on the phone because you are having a bad day, taking 2 days to do something that takes less than 5 minutes, or being non-responsive.  Look I get it. . . if you don't know the answer or are unable to be helpful by ALL means please pass the customer along to someone who is capable but don't just do one of the above.

Maybe because I've been in a sort of customer service role in some way, shape or form for 10 years I have some expectations but I do not think they are ridiculous.  I've been given the task of delegating some of my responsibilities to others to free up my time for new business development.  Its been 1 week. . .in that week I've received complaints from both customers and my counter part here.  The customers say the don't get helped in a a timely manner...the counter part says the customers have unrealistic expectations.

While I do understand that we are spread thin here. . . I do not think their expectations are unrealistic.  Not everyone will want to use an online maintenance system so quit forcing it down their throats.  Yes, please offer as its better for us and them but some people would just rather send an email or call in.  That is the nature of customer service. . . sorry but some people are just helpless get over it.  Your purpose is to assist them to the best of your abilities, quit complaining because its becoming clear that trying to free up some of my time is causing me to spend more time fixing problems with pissed of people.