If Cleanliness is next to Godliness. . .

. . .I work with a bunch of demon spawn!!!

I'm not sure I've mentioned before but I've come to the conclusion that some people were raised in a barn. I honestly work with a bunch of slobs (not all of my coworkers, just a few). I do not claim to be the almighty clean person but I have good personal hygiene and I tend to clean up after myself.  I can't say the same for some others I know.

I know some people don't believe in taking that extra step to make a good appearance (lord knows I never wear makeup) but at least try to NOT look homeless.  We work in a professional environment, we may not have customers in here everyday but I have to look at you and if you look like you might smell bad I do not want to be near you...just saying.  So for future reference a stained/faded shirt, white washed jeans and tennis shoes are NOT business casual nor are they part of/an acceptable substitute for the uniform I personally ordered for you!!!

Moving on. . .how hard is it to replace the TP in the bathroom stall.  You are also a female you know how big of a deal this is.  We are a small office, 9 times out of 10 we are the only ones in the bathroom at a time...meaning I cannot ask "could you spare a square" to the person in the next stall because no one is there!  And I don't mean if you use the last of it...I mean if it is getting low just be a decent human being and grab another roll or I will curse you...if I ever figure out who you are; "may the fleas of 1000 camels infest your pubic hair" and if you don't have any of that I hope it feels like acid next time you pee :P.

Next topic. . .let me set the scene.  It is early in the morning.  You are making your first cup of wake up juice, also known as coffee.  You spill sugar/spelnda/creamer on the counter what do you do next?  a) wipe it up because that's what grownups do, b )leave it; who cares this isn't my house, c) swipe it onto the floor, the tile is white who will notice d) some combination of b & c with a dash of spilled coffee.  I always love it when I walk into the kitchen to get my wake-up juice only to have my shoe stick to the floor and/or crunch with every step.  Oh and aside from cleaning up after myself I just LOVE coming to work and cleaning up after you.  Thanks asshole! Not to mention the reconnaissance effort I have to go through to retrieve my shoe when the floor decides it wants to keep it. 

• Sub-topic:  please by ALL means use the last of the coffee in the pot and do NOT make another pot.  It makes me so happy to push the coffee button and have a splatter of coffee moisten my hand/shirt/cup.  I didn't realize my pristine white shirt needed brown speckles all over it to make the outfit.  I don't know what your mother taught you but in the office there isn't a magic coffee fairy that refills the pot when its empty.  There are more than a handful of us here please at least TRY to pretend you are not helpless otherwise I fear one day when its raining you will drown because you forgot to look down
• Sub-sub-topic:  if you do manage to figure out how to use the coffee maker just leave the used grinds in the filter basket to drip all over the coffee maker, table and floor.  The floor gets cranky when it doesn't get its morning drip of Joe and steals unsuspecting shoes by luring them in with sugar and creamer

Next! Please cover your food when you are heating it in the microwave!!!  There is even a sign next to the machine reminding you to do so.  Even if its just putting a paper towel over it...no one enjoys the smell of your food burning repeatedly as we heat our food.  Actually I hate to heat anything in there as I am fairly certain there is some form of life that has evolved to survive in the hostile environment because of the amount of "good eatin" that is plastered all over the walls and roof of the microwave.  10 times reheated Mexican leftovers smells like ass mixed with vomit when combined with the smell of my once savory tomato soup!


I can't believe I actually have to say this but...wash your effing hands!!!  Or at least sanitize or something.  I feel like I work with a bunch of toddlers.  There are greasy fingerprints and smudges on everything!  Today when I went to heat my food there was a questionable smudge on the 3 button.  I am assuming it was some sort of food product but I swear to you know who that it looked like a booger.  WTF man...if you must pick please wipe it on yourself!  Or use a tissue...in the bathroom and wash you effing hands!  I do not have children yet but when I do those are the only boogers I expect to see or be cleaning *shudder*.  You-are-welcome...I cleaned your nastiness off the keypad...if I figure out who you are I am so loud capping you in the next meeting!

Did I forget anything?  Inner office manners matter...or am I being a royal  B for expecting grown ass men AND women to pick up after themselves?!?!?!?

I think I've developed an addiction to Disinfecting Wipes...they've helped me keep my sanity.  They are my precious *insane cackling*.