That is f**king Captain Cheesecake!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Alright, so a while back I said I was reading Book 1 of a new series (see here) and for the entire book I was like "This is Doctor Who Fanfiction!!!" Well I read Book 2 and it still reminded me of 10 and Rose but nothing too different than Book 1.

Now I am reading Book 3 and I literally said out loud "this is basically the plot of the 'Are you my mummy' episodes" (The Empty Child & The Doctor Dances).  Yea yea I know that is 9 but Simon is without a doubt 10.

We are going back in time to London during WWII.  Mind you it is after the London Blitz but whatever.  So I am reading and thinking there is no way it would be that blatant. So they are at the Ritz and Elizabeth is left alone while Simon goes to procure a room.  When low and behold Elizabeth hears someone talking to her...who has an American accent.  Again out loud "if his name is f**king Jack I give up".  Then it says he is in a gray uniform, has black hair, a darker complexion, and like a million dollar smile.  Me again, "are you f**king kidding me?!?!".  Then he says "Name's Jack Wells, Chicago".  I lost my $hit!

This is without a doubt Doctor Who Fanfiction.  I had to stop reading but I can predict what will happen.  Jack will flirt with Elizabeth. 

He'll start calling her a new name like Lizzie *ahem* Rosie *ahem*.  Simon will get jealous...

...but they'll have to work together to save the day.  Simon will stop wasting time and propose to Elizabeth and they all end up BFF's in the end or something like that. 

This is Doctor Who fanfiction and no one can convince me otherwise!!!

Its a book.  Like a published book series, I am not on one of those websites.  I am reading Out of Time: A Time Travel Mystery by Monique Martin.  I can't help it.  I've tried but all I can picture is Rose and Ten in an alternate universe but still f**king time traveling!  Except he has Green eyes and she has blue.  She has coppery hair, is very attractive, and has an adorable personality.  He is tall and skinny but muscular with brown hair and tries to hide his feelings.

He is a PROFESSOR.  She is his ASSISTANT.  They are both head over heels in love with each other but don't want to admit it.  And neither will make a freakin' move!  No but really hear.me.out.

They are at Uni where they work, he gets a mysterious box of his deceased grandpa's belongings.  Inside is a POCKET WATCH, which zaps them back to 1929 NYC.  Back in time they have to PRETEND TO BE MARRIED.  They have to SHARE A BED.  They had to get QUESTIONABLE jobs.  She is JEOPARDY friendly and he is 100% terrified he is going to LOSE HER (that she will die).  They flirt, flirt, flirt but that is as far as it goes.  His JEALOUSY is hilarious.  Her ability to make everyone LOVE her is familiar.  This is driving me barmy!!! 

In the most recent scene he is in a Tux and she is in her Speakeasy sexy outfit.  They are both ogling each other from across the room and I am over here like if they don't freaking KISS already I am going to scream!

There is so much pent up sexual frustration I need a cold shower! 

Oh and did I mention he is English...she's American but tomato, tomahto...whatever!

I love it.  I can't get enough of it.  I am only 33% done.  My inner fangirl cannot be contained.  I may explode.

UPDATE - I forgot!  There is also like a 10-20 year age gap...ish.  AAAAANNNNNDDDD he is always pointing out historical inaccuracies! 

Wait, hold up! Who wants to have sex with a homicidal pepper pot?!?!?!?!

Okay okay okay...hear me out...I did NOT come up with the idea.  I've read some crazy fanfiction but not anything close to...WTF?!?

I was actually reading a seemingly innocent article I linked to via The Doctor Who Hub (Facebook page), I think.  It was titled "Doctor Who: 10 Things You Probably Didn’t Know About the Daleks".  A simple top ten list of "facts" you may or may not have known.  The list was actually interesting, "Hmmm, dual origin...I didn't know that." Anyways, I got to the Number 1 "fact" and I quite literally shot coffee out my nose.  I do not recommend doing that!  It burns like a mofo and now all I smell is coffee *le sigh*.  

No really though...what would you do if you were reading an article about one of the most notorious beings in the whoniverse and you read "They Have Starred in a Porno".   

Then I read on, "In 2005 the Daleks checked off another box in Pop Culture Bingo by starring in a pornographic film called Abducted by the Daleks. It’s exactly what you think, with three women being taken by the Daleks and forced to do sex stuff with them and with each other."

I can't even fathom the visuals.  I've never watched Doctor Who and thought "Ooooo a Dalek, it's so...SEXY! *growl*" I'm more along the lines of "OMG run away, run awaaaaay..." I know they were sued but according to the article you can find it online.  I have never been so tempted in my life to look up a porno on the internet just so I can laugh my @$$ off!

There is actually more to this pic for a t-shirt but it made the concept too "sweet". You should check it out!

For god's sake they have a f**king plunger and a whisk!!!  How do you...what is it like an "insert and twirl" thing...*ahhhh my eyes*.  Speaking of eyes...did they...did they use the eyestalk...

Also, its...its like this weird flesh blob cyclops octopus looking THING on the inside...HOW DOES THAT WORK!??!?!  I mean there are those "tentacles"...oh...oh sweet baby...naaah...maybe...

Actually on second thought...I may not want to know.  Something tells me the people that made this didn't really know about the Daleks...ya know the whole "hate and destroy everything, unless its a Dalek" mantra, i.e. EXTERMINATE! Which would lead me to believe these aliens wouldn't give a flying f**k about...um...sexual gratification...especially from a lowly human...maybe from The Oncoming Storm but that's a whole other sordid story that I am NOT writing...WHAT IF these are Daleks that escaped from the Dalek Asylum...in that case RUN! Oh God what have I done...I put that thought in the universe *twirling aimlessly around the room*.

That's not how it works....that's not how any of this works!

I love reading.  I read just about anything.  I take that back, I will give anything a chance BUT there is a point where I will put a book/story down.  Usually that point is where the story gets so far fetched that even I have to go, really?!?  And this is coming from a person who reads A LOT of books about Vampires, Werewolves, Epic Fantasy, Angels...I think you get the picture.

Kidding...I didn't actually read this one but its funny because of my POST about the cover :D

So when I read "stories" that blow the limits into dust, I cringe, especially when I REALLY like the main characters.  I can get passed quite a bit of silliness but there is a point where I will stop reading and never look back.  I mainly do this when the story is exceedingly juvenile.  Again this coming from a person who reads Young Adult books.  The difference is these Young Adult books are written by adults, usually, so they are much more relatable then say a 20 chapter internet published work written by an actual young adult about adults...does that make sense...? 

I am not knocking these young writers.  I think it is wonderful that they are taking to writing, I just hope they have a bit of guidance in future works on how people/love/relationships/sex actually work. I am not their momma or their friend...so I am not going to have that chat with them, plus I don't want them to think I am attacking them...maybe I should say something...I dunno.  Yet some of them write exceedingly well and have an impressive understanding of life and relationships, I truly enjoy their stories.

With that said, when I am reading one of those "OMG that is not how the sex works" stories and I find out the writer is in fact OLDER than me...I might judge....okay no I totally judge.  Regardless of how "experienced" (or inexperienced) you are there are some things you just know.  Like anything that is 3 inches wide or larger is frightening.  I seriously had to read that twice.  3 inches around...that's a little below average...wait wide...across...like the diameter...OMG!  No really go find a ruler, measure out three inches and tell me that's gonna fit in an average woman, comfortably.  

When writing smut (NOT PORN) don't use words like p**sy, etc. unless you are trying for shock factor or dirty talk.  If you are trying to get the reader all hot and bothered you don't say "he reached down her tummy and touched her p**sy".  That is almost just weird.  At that point I close the story and never look back.  Wait, how old are you?!?!?!

Instead, maybe say something like "he caressed his way down her body, exploring every inch, until he reach where she needed him most."  Or something of that nature.  If you want more people to read it...I think...just an observation.

If its one of those fiction stories that takes two characters from unrelated TV Shows/Movies and puts them together (shut up, you know what I am talking about) at least try to keep some of the personality of the characters.  When you start listing all of these completely out of character things, you lose me.  I am reading it because I like the way those characters are. . . .not because I want them to be totally different.  And if they are doing something totally NOT them, they need to have a bit of turmoil over it, showing they are still them.  Of course when they do those out of character things we all want them to do (whooohooo I SHIP it) that is a little different.

Pahahaha, accurate

Having two people misunderstand everything, cock it all up, and FINALLY admit they love each other (and possibly have mind blowing, uh, fun), yes please...having the same two people immediately fall in love, say f**k it all and never think about all the reasons why it never happened in the "show" or whatever with no build up...not quite what most people are looking for. You want people to relate to the story not go "OMG he/she would NEVER do that!!!!!"   I mean who else does NOT see Mr. Tucker being submissive, pathetic and letting people walk all over him...WTF, that is way out of character...just saying.  Maybe he gives a little bit to impress a girl (MAYBE) but he is a bit of an arse and I don't see a complete 180 happening regardless of the craziness that happened.  And no I don't read many stories featuring him but there was one and I almost died laughing at one point.  I didn't finish it. 

It is hard to explain without specific examples but I am not about to target anyone.  I am not a "writer", I have minimal criticism rights. Just some things that stood out, that concern me I guess. 

I grew a wang

Hahahaha did I make you spit out your drink??? *whoohoo*

But seriously...I did grow one just not in the sense you might be thinking.  Over the last few weeks we really haven't been home.  So I have been neglecting our food resources.  There are certain staples we ALWAYS have in our house.  Rice, Pasta, Eggs, Cheese, Onions & Potatoes.  That might seem like an odd combo but you can survive off of those if you have nothing else.

Anyways, since our Mardi Gras-ing is over I started trying to get back into things like cooking and cleaning (ugh, I hate cleaning).  Last Friday we decided we wanted to fry up some shrimp and potatoes.  *whoohoo* "Free" dinner because I had shrimps in the freezer and a bag of potatoes in the pantry. 

**Note**

Yes, I know the plural of Shrimp is Shrimp but some people 

'round here say "Shrimps", so I say it as a haha.

Moving on!  I pulled out 5 potatoes to clean and slice and this came out.

What in the world?!?  It was the only one that sprouted which isn't that odd or why I am "what in the world-ing".  We've already established I have an overactive imagination.  Look at it!  Look closely...closer....CLOSER!  It looks like an alien pee pee *giggle, giggle*.  I emphasize the ALIEN part because if your man has a wee that looks like that...run away...run far FAR away!  Maybe I am reading too much off the wall fanfiction (stop judging me, some of it is really interesting) but my first thought was "OMG Alien Wang!"  And now I just can't unsee the pee pee.

Use your imagination!!! It's got a fairly defined "tip" (not the green sprout, I don't know what that is...maybe a "tickler"...). It has "spikes".  It is WAY tooooo crooked.  This all just screams Martian reproductive organ.  On second thought maybe I should be the one writing off the wall fanfiction...hmmmm.

I didn't have the heart to cut it off and cook the potato or toss it (why am I having feelings for a potato penis!?!?) so I let it be.  I kind of want to see what becomes of my Alien appendage.  I won't lie (that I can't deny.)  Why am I quoting Limp Bizkit?!?! Oh right..Nookie...*snicker, snicker* ... anyway, I want to see if it gets bigger and looks even more phallic *muahahahaha*.