That was not Gus Gus!

It's getting "cooler" finally but we live in the south so its 52 in the AM and 80 by midday. 

But with it getting cooler.....something has found its way into our attic and it made me realized I didn't share my horror story from LAST Winter.  

... kidding.  But it was early 2024 and it was TRAUMATIZING!

I was sitting at my desk and I heard a scratching noise.  A few days later it sounded like MULTIPLE creatures were playing WWE in the attic.  WTAF Bruh!

Now a few years ago we had a critter problem and used poison in the attic... NEVER AGAIN!  Those f**kers would fall down the damn wall and we'd have f**king fly-mageddon in the house which was traumatizing!

Anyways we got the snap traps.  Look I know its not great but I refuse to use glue traps...these are basically instant death and its easier to dispose of them..in theory. 

I'm at our little bar pouring some wine and I hear a loud **SNAP**.  Followed by the most horrific screeching and then **thump thump thump thump** above me.  

WTAF?!?!?!  It's supposed to be instant death...AHHHH!

So we venture into the attic and the trap is GONE!  This Mother F**ker must have only got a leg stuck and ran and jumped OVER the edge of the ceiling and got stuck in the flashing outside.  We can't get to it but can hear it outside flip flopping around. 

Well f**k me!  For two f**king days I can hear it just outside of my office slowly dying and I feel awful because I can't give it a swift end.  

I am in the DEEPEST sleep when lil bit and speedy lose their f**king cheerios! It was 2AM and they were going nuts.  I let them out of the bedroom and they ran into the living room and stared at the ceiling.  Ah beans... did we catch something?!?!?!

The next day hubs went into the attic and it did not suffer **whew**.

I am cooking dinner and hear a **SNAP**.  Hubs goes to investigate and I hear laughing through the ceiling.  He calls my name to come see.  Trap is triggered and there is blood but no critter... f*********ck!  Its gonna die in the GD wall!

I get home from an outing and hear something in the attic.  I tell hubs to go check.  He does and is like UMMMMMM.  I go up there and there is another one caught but its VERY alive and flip flopping all over the place.  We managed to grab the trap with a grabber and bring it out front.  I didn't ask what he did but we counted the trap as a "loss".  Lovely.  

About this time I start to smell something funky in the guest bath.  Like not awful but not great.  Over the next two days its definitely dead body smell. We look in the attic but its not up there....its in a wall or under the tub... F********CK!  I have to block off the bathroom and back bedroom because we have fly-mageddon.  

I put up fly traps and sprayed daily.  I stopped counting when I swept up 150 flies.   

All in all we caught/killed 5 RATS.  These weren't little mice...these were RATS and we couldn't figure out how they were getting in.  

So hopefully whatever I heard the other day doesn't lead to this again because it was Traumatizing AF!

Did you know we have banshees around here???

I mean I guess living in a swamp anything is possible but I probably scared the life out of my neighbors recently. Soooooo it's story time!

What is a Banshee?  A banshee is a fairy woman who begins to wail if someone is about to die. In Scottish mythology, she is known as the bean sìth or bean nighe ("washer woman") and is seen washing the bloodstained clothes or armour of those who are about to die. (Source Wiki, hahaha).

No I wasn't outside washing off bloodstained clothing...I do that inside my house thank you very much.  It raises fewer questions from nosy neighbors.  What I was doing was letting my pups out to tee tee...really late...like, I probably shouldn't have been awake late....oh and screaming like a banshee.  Who knew so many things could happen in the wee hours of the mernin'. 

First Speedy whizzed all over the floor before I could let him out.  As I opened the door to let him out so I could clean, a 1/2 dead (yes I say 1/2 dead...my hubs says things can't be 1/2 dead...they can be dying...but I disagree.  It isn't fully alive, therefore it is 1/2 dead, *plfeet*)...anyway a 1/2 dead dragonfly flew into the house...so dog went out, erratic flying creature came in.  *eeeep* I abandoned my mission of cleaning in favor of capturing and releasing the 1/2 dead dragonfly.  The problem was I wasn't just trying to catch it...I was also trying to keep a curious kitty (Demon Spawn) from catching and eating it "ewwww".  With that said, I was freaking out a bit!  I am not frighted of dragonflies...I think they are kinda neat BUT I do have a fear of flying insects getting stuck in my hair (is that a thing because I totally have that).  It has happened with a June bug and I was losing my $hit trying not to panic (and failing) but wanting it out of my HAIR 10 minutes ago!

So I am dodging a crazy stalking cat but not wanting to get too close because "OMG what if it gets in my hair?!?!". Soooo I did what any sane person would do...I threw a dishtowel over it to get it out the door.  I suddenly heard a ruckus outside, I went to investigate, leaving the flying insect and pee for the hubs to deal with. 

I noticed Convict and Speedy "dancing" around my potted plants.  Of course I thought "oh wonderful, they cornered a toad....DON'T EAT IT!" I was relaying this to the hubs when convict DOVE into the cluster of plants, WTF?!?!  Speedy immediately jumped on his head...double WTF!?!? I ran outside yelling as quietly as I could "Drop it!  Drooooooooooop it!!!!" And that is when the light caught Convict's mouth.  Gray/Brown fur *screeeeeaaaam* "No no no no no drop it!!!!" The thing is flailing around screeching (it's a rat FYI) and I am panicking its going to bite my dog or it ate poison or I dunno...I was wigging out *waaaaaaaaaaah*.   

He was in full on KILL mode.  "This thing invaded my yard...it gonna die."  He is violently shaking his head back and forth when I reach them.  I grabbed his scruff just in time for him to "bear down" and.... and....and...I heard the most sicking *gag* sound *gag* I have ever heard in real life *gaaaaag*.  He killed it....by crushing it with his massive jaws *crunch*...I let go of him and fell on my butt...he dropped the limp rat and looked at me panting like "I'm a good boy right!?!? *happy dog smile*".  Then speedy wanted to give it some hell as well.  I dove for him "Noooooooooooooooooo!" but Convict was all "no way man, that's my kill"...so he picked it up and started running around the yard with it.  Tossing it in the air, catching it, barking, and growling...all while speedy chased him barking, and as I ran around the yard losing my mind...

noooo! 
stooooop! 
Drop it!!!  
Dammit dog, that's not funny!  
You are such an @$$hole!!!
*chasing me with the carcass*
Ahhhh, don't you dare put that on me!!!
OMG that is disgusting!!!!

I finally got them away from it (NOT EASY) and hubs walks out like, "what is it?!?" Obviously something freaking me out...I don't normally scream man...HELP!!!  Tunnel vision had kicked in and all Convict could see was his kill, hubs literally had to pick all 60 lbs of him up and toss him inside while I wrestled with an overly excited (still barking) puppy.  

Two plastic bags and some rubber gloves later, it was disposed of..."Ew ew ew ew...its still warm!!!" *shudder*.   Thankfully it didn't bite either of them and it wasn't bleeding so *whew*.  I went in and Convict was all "but, but, but I thought I was a good boy..." And I was like you are a good boy but GROSS!  And then he full on sneak attack licked me in the mouth...
 




Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Why would you do that!?!?!

*scrubbing mouth out with shirt*
*spit spit* "Not cool man, not cool!

*rinsing with scalding water*    
Ahhh, feel the burn.

**Take 2** Someone should video me doing yard work or house work. Not in a creepy way. I really think I could bring laughter to millions.

I am not one to shy away from #get$hitdone.  I will get dirty/icky if I need to.  I do manual labor when necessary.  I only truly fear one critter (bug who shall not be named).  People should learn from  me (not really, that could be bad).  Also, I act a fool in public...maybe I should have my own sitcom. 


Take 2:

Rats!  Not as in "darn" or "shoot"...I mean literally RATS!  I keep a fairly clean home but I have a couple neighbors (yea TWO!)  that don't believe in maintaining anything.  We are talking 2'+ grass (weeds), abandoned vehicles and an overflowing pool that hasn't been cleaned since Hurricane Gustav (2008).  To say we have "critter overflow" is an understatement.  But throw rats in the picture and I'ma loose my ever loving mind!  I was outside watering my back garden one night.  It was dusk.  I was singing (rather loudly) and dancing when I heard a noise to my left (towards my neighbors house).

 Still singing, I glanced over and heard scratching...I stopped singing.  I walked over to the fence (you see this is where a normal person would have gone inside).   







*scratch scratch scratch* "what is thaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh" I was playing peek a boo with a VERY large rodent that popped its head over the top of the fence.

Oh, uh, hi there! (not my pic)

I said a lot of curse words and sprayed it with the hose...it ran off.  A few mornings later it greeted on my back porch"Surprise b**ch!" "OMG! *drops coffee*"

I am not fearful of rats/mice, as in I can deal with them BUT I was shocked to see it waiting for me.  We have since then purchased some pellets to put in our shed and attic, to make sure they don't further invade my property.