The good the bad and the Rottweiler....?

I seem to have lost about 6 months of posts so I apologize.  If I recover them, I'll repost.  Lets see if this one 'sticks'.

We all know I read and watch "strange" things.  I Love the supernatural/fantasy/sci-fi stories.  So it's never a surprise when they somehow integrate into my dreams. 

There was a type of supernatural civil war.  Each side was trying to wipe the other out.  Light vs Dark, tale as old as time. 

At first I thought it was about the Fae but it seemed to be all supernatural beings.  But there was definitely a distinct Light vs Dark.  The Dark wanted to conquer and enslave the Earth, the Light wanted harmony.  The Dark was winning, the Light was driven into hiding to survive.  

At some point we are summoned to a council where one of the heroes is there with news.  This has to end.  The universe needs balance.  There is no Dark without the Light.  He will go on a mission to the Dark to work out a truce to save us all.  

What no one seemed to understand is if the Light and Dark destroyed each other, the world would die. Humans, animals, all of the Earth would cease to exist. 

The mission of peace failed.  The hero and his team were killed before they could deliver the message to the queen.  The Light was disbanded and went further into hiding.  I was in a human apartment in New York City with 3 friends.  A vampire, werewolf, and Fae Prince "in waiting". I was some sort of human fae mix but was part of the Light.   The "prince" was our mission, he needed to be kept safe....he was the Dark Queen's son but didn't agree with how the Dark had become so he fled to the Light for safety. 

We were cooking dinner in the apartment, cutting up and having fun despite the circumstances.  We were making steaks and teasing the werewolf about wanting his steak raw.  He said it's how he keeps his physique which resulted in extensive laughter.  We ended up in the bathroom lined up in front of the mirror comparing "abs" which the werewolf, had like...an ab.  Not fat just not defined.  This is the point where I recognized him.  It was Nathan Fillion.  But like him, not him as a character.  Apparently he'd always been a wolf and kept it hidden from "hollywood".  It was such an odd addition to the dream....

While we were cutting up a perimeter alarm went off i.e. a chihuahua was like "Yo I hear something".  We were still shirtless (I had a sports bra on) so we scrambled to get our "get the f**k ou bags" and get the Prince out.  The 3 of them managed to get out the "secret" door but I tripped trying to grab the chihuahua.  I managed to push him through and re-hide the door before the front door blew open.  I tried to hide but it was no use I was found by a Rottweiler and dragged out.  

He was shockingly gentle but I was terrified, this was the queen's pet which means she came herself to take or kill her son.  As I came face to face with the enemy I could only hope they made it out of the building before her army got here.  

She lifted me by neck and threw me on the couch.  Before I could blink she was sitting on top of me pinning me down.  I managed to wriggle free and tried to run but was thrown to the ground.  We grappled back and forth but she was full fae and I was not as strong.  I somehow managed to pin her on couch like she'd had me before.  I was trying to get her to listen to me.  But she was spewing angry words of hate and disgust.  She hated me especially since I was a half breed.  

I managed to cover her mouth and said "just listen!  This isn't about you and me.  It's not about you and your son.  Stop acting like you are on a talk show.  This isn't f**king Oprah!" 

When I said that the Rottie attacked me.  I distinctly remember the teeth sinking into my wrist.  I screamed but got free.  I was losing the fight trying to hold her down and fight off a pissed off dog.  She pulled my hand away and gave a command and the dog stopped.  I was holding my wrist fighting back tears and said "please just listen.  The Universe NEEDS balance.  There is no Dark without the Light.  If you kill us all you will die too! The Earth will die and life will cease to exist! We have to stop"

She sat up inhumanely fast.  She had fangs dripping blood, face no longer the beautiful queen *WTF the queen of the Dark doesn't have fangs*.  She was holding me close to her face, mouth by my ear and said "the dead don't want to kill you, we want to breed you, harvest you, and eat you."

I remember realizing the Dark was no longer the Dark as we knew them.  They weren't the opposite to the Light.  They were never bad just the Ying to the Yang....but these weren't that, these were bloodthirsty monsters who only lived to consume. As she sank her teeth into my shoulder and tore my skin from the bone, I woke up...screaming.  

I'm pretty sure they heard me on the moon

I had a moment.  A moment of utter fear and anxiety.  I was doing...LAUNDRY!

So here I am doing my usual Saturday clean routine.  I was moving my 2nd load of dark clothes to the dryer.  I picked up some athletic shorts (not mine) to toss into the dryer when the unthinkable happened.  A BUG WHO SHALL NOT BE NAMED fell at my feet....which happen to be bare. 

They make the most skin crawling splat noise when they are dead and have been through a super wash cycle. 

I swear to all the deities I screamed so f**king loud, I'm surprised my neighbors didn't call the cops.  It took a second or ten for my brain to reboot and try to figure out what happened.  How is there one of these disgusting creatures in my freaking laundry?!?!?!  We use home defense.  We almost never see them (thank god, I would die) and if we do they are half dead or full dead.  Which is around the point in my internal battle where I realized what had likely occurred.

You see we (both hubby and myself) have a bit of a fear of these...things.  See this post.  If we see a mostly live one a shoe gets hurled at it and we hazmat that sucker out of the house.  You think I am kidding, it involves rubber gloves, plastic bags, a squeegee (bc those little f**kers stick to brooms), and a dust pan.  We ain't playing! 

Anyways dead ones are treated similarly, minus the shoe hurling.  Except two...two decided to die in the overfill pan for our Hot Water Heater.  We've had this silent standoff where neither of us removed them.  I know I know, mature, right... but you can't see them unless you move the door while in the garage and we never do that. 

Moving on, when I was loading the washer some clothes missed the opening slightly and went over the side...closest to the H20 heater.  I caught them and threw them in...but the shorts may have barely touched the pan...I'm thinking those sticky *shudder* legs stuck to the pants and went for a ride.  So I brave a look in the pan...NEITHER are in there.  F**k f**k f**k!!!!  That means....the other....is either in the dryer or in the washer *sobbing*.

So I peek into the washer and die a little inside.  Its in there....amongst my clean clothes...also squeaky.....

.....clean I'm sure.  So now I'm legit crying because I just washed a load of clothes with these two GIANT disease carrying mother f**kers.

Hazmat mode initiated...it doesn't matter that they went through a wash cycle, are missing legs *screaming* and have been dead for a while.  My fear is in full force.  I just know it's going to fly at my face.  I mean it didn't but still!  So I remove both to a bag.  I shake out all the clothes looking for *shudder* legs.  I found some but not all so I am hoping they went down the drain. 

I know this is 100% our own fault...doesn't mean I have to like it.  I am currently rewashing the entire load on hot.  I know its not the best for the material but its the best for my sanity.  Otherwise the whole load is being trashed and that's not financially reasonable.  But let me tell you if I go to put on my running pants and I find a leg....I might die on the spot. 

Side Note - I am not kidding giant.  Come to Louisiana. These f**kers could carry away a small dog.  A "small" one is the length of my thumb. 

We have a Stage 5 Clinger!!!!!!!!!

I think I am too nice.  People kinda "cling" to me.  And honestly 99% of the time, it doesn't bother me.  I am a social person and like making new friends.  Problems arise though when people inject themselves into my personal business.  I am very very very private.  I don't talk much about my personal life except to my BEST friends whom I've known for 17+ years and close family...and of course Husband.  Everyone else gets the NOLAGurl Cliffs Notes.

A few months back a business associate became more of a friend associate.  We had no prior knowledge of each other but seemed to have a lot in common.  We like the same TV genres, movies, music, etc. So it wasn't a surprise that we started hanging out, outside of business stuff.  I like to keep work and personal very separate but this was not someone who worked closely with me...or even for the same company.

Then things started to get very "Single White Female".  And I shut down.

- Surprise visits.  No call or text saying "Hey, I'm coming over"; just showing up at work and home
- Making more and more comments about how "perfect" my husband is
     - I agree he's pretty awesome but back off....
- Taking up the same hobbies I have
- Dying hair blonde...like from dark brown to a medium blonde
- Drinking the same beers I drink, even though they said previously they only drink wine
- Trying to consume ALL of my free time
- Tagging me in things on Social Media
- Friend-ing my contacts on Social Media, even though they've never met
- Buying the exact same clothes
- Inviting themselves to everything I do
     - SHOWING UP even when they weren't told about it
- Getting mad if I don't respond immediately
- Blasting me online, if I do something and don't tell them
- And the latest...trying to date my friend/family.

Normally I wouldn't care about that last one but I think its being done with bad intentions.  Like I think they are doing it because I've pulled away.  I don't know this person well enough for any of this to seem semi-normal.  We have almost no history. 

I though I was being paranoid but $hit got super weird and I am concerned.....I know "imitation is the highest form of flattery" but my gut feeling says a line has been crossed.

I hadn't heard anything since a week before Mardi Gras but something today has me freaked out....

I shall name it Houdini...then kill it! After screaming like I'm being murdered and having a mini freak out in the back yard....

Sooooooooooooooo I HATE one thing about living in the South.   While I don't like the heat, humidity, hurricanes, etc...those aren't what I am talking about.  I am talking about bugs.  Not all bugs...one in particular!

Right, so we all know which bug I am referring to.  If not see here and here and here. 

Moving on, Saturday night was just like many other Saturday nights.  I was being a bump on a log watching mind numbing TV.  As per my usual routine I let Speedy out to tee tee, hubs was asleep on the couch.  I opened the back door and *BAM* something jumped...ONTO MY FACE.  I squeaked a little but I realized it was frog.  Listen here buckaroo, you don't want to come in my house, you will get eaten.  So I maneuvered him off my face and into on of my potted plants.  Speedy and I were star gazing listening to the fiesta across the street (not super loud but I could hear the music).  After a bit we went back to the door. 

Now mind you I had no outside lights on (I was star gazing) so the only light is from the Moon and the little showing through the closed blinds.  I turned to open the door.

Cool, no frogs or lizards!  I turned back to Speedy with my hand on the knob and pushed.  (this all happened in SECONDS)

What...?

*Jumps back* WHAT?!? while my eyes zero in on NOT A F**KING FROG

Speedy pushes the door the rest of the way open to go in as I yell "Nooooooooooooooooooooo!"

The f**ker is half dead thanks to my fumigation so it kind of just falls off the door...onto the dog.

He jumps
I scream for real
he realizes whatever is on him is not letting go AND mom is freaking out
He runs INSIDE 
F********k  *still freaking out* trying to get the dog out of the doorway
He shakes
It takes flight
I run back outside losing my god dammed mind
I am yelling "its inside, its inside"
Speedy is trying to find and kill whatever is distressing mom
Hubs is trying to figure out why I am losing my mind while still half asleep
Not wanting this thing to disappear IN my home I run in screaming ala William Wallace, shoe raised in hopes of Victory
Its f**king M.I.A.
*$hit $hit $hit*
Then I see old lady stalking my couch
She dives
It comes running out at top speed (well top speed being half dead)
Speedy goes for it
Old Lady goes for it
I go for it
Hubs yells "what the f**k is going on?!?!?!"
I beat the creature into oblivion with my shoe while the animals watch
As the haze clears I hear "I think its dead..."
I smoosh it one more time for good measure
Hubs goes to sweep it up
It flips over and attempts to run on like two legs with its guts hanging out
I start screaming again
Hubs is freaking a bit
The dog is barking
The cats are stalking
Our neighbors have now turned OFF the music and are listening to this fiasco, I assume
I throw my shoe at it and it stops moving
Hubs flings it out the door with the broom and we slam the door and lock it...because, ya know, bugs don't come through locked doors *rolling eyes* 

How the hell am I supposed to go to sleep after that?!?!!?  I couldn't.  Every time I shut my eyes, all I saw were those bugs flying at me.  I am getting chills now just thinking about it *shudder*. 

But seriously, I don't know where the thing came from.  One second it wasn't there and the next it was at eye level twitching its little antennas, taunting me!!!!  I didn't here it flutter past my head so I don't think it flew to the window... I just don't know...

I feel threatened...I don't feel safe...

Look I try my hardest not to be easily offended but I do not take threats to my person lightly.  Let me set a scene.

I got home from work and decided to wash my car.
I changed into running Capri pants and a tank top.
I washed my car.
THAT'S IT!

While bent over scrubbing bug guts off my bumper I heard "*sucking teeth* Yea gurl".

I glanced over my shoulder and saw 5 teenage boys on bikes riding by.  I IGNORED them. 

They stopped not far from my house but said nothing else. They were making me uncomfortable because I knew they were watching me. 

After wearing myself out scrubbing BUG GUTS and bird $hit off my car, I had no muscle power left to Rain-X my windshield, so I asked my other half for help.  As he was wiping my windshield I was picking up the washing supplies.  Those "kids" came back by right as I walked inside.  That's when I heard something that made my skin crawl.  I heard *in a deep voice*, "hey man, Ima F**K your wife." 

My husband reacted (NOT violently) and they took off.  While my neighbor who happened to be outside BBQ-ing yelled something about them being disrespectful. 

We aren't talking about a bunch of ankle biters.  These teens were much bigger than little old me, some bigger than my husband.  It wasn't an "appreciation" of my body (which is still a bit uncalled for), that was a vile statement.  He didn't say "Your wife is hot", he said "Ima f**k your wife". 

It was a statement of fact.  You didn't hear it, there was a clear threat in his voice.  My gut said run.  I was legitimately frightened.  My husband is concerned for me.  He doesn't want me to be home alone.  And honestly I don't think he is overreacting.  It may have been a "funny" joke to them but it made me extremely uncomfortable. 

I shouldn't feel unsafe in and around my own home.  I don't know them.  They aren't kids from my neighborhood.  What if they come back when I am home alone?  What if they actually mean me harm?

I'm just glad my other neighbor was outside and heard all of it. 

And just to clarify there was no sexy bending...there was no wet t-shirt...there was nothing that suggested I wanted any type of attention much less THAT kind of attention.  I was just washing my f**king car! 

I'm sure if they were confronted they would say it was all in harmless fun.  Yea I bet that's what people say when they threaten the President online.  "Oh it was just a joke, no need to overreact" until that one time, it isn't JUST a joke. 

Zombies are @$$holes, mmmmkay

I think I figured it out.  I have my most cracked out dreams when I am utterly exhausted.  I am not talking "hey I worked out earlier" tired.  I am talking about "I cleaned my ENTIRE house", "Did ALL the yard work (cut grass/weed-eated/hedged)", "ran a 1/2 marathon" or in my most recent case "played in the pool with a bunch of kiddos under the age of 6 for more than 3 hours". 


And when I say played, I do not mean relaxing in the pool while a lil one waddles around you.  I mean fully submerged swimming/walking back and forth.  Getting in and out. Making sure no one busts anything, "No running!!!" (sorry, my inner lifeguard comes out from time to time).  Busy busy busy BUT very fun!  So by the time it was time for bed, I was basically a Zombie. 

I had the most insane dream.  I don't watch a lot of Zombie shows/movies . . .well I do sometimes but not as ofter as other supernatural stuff, so I was really confused when I woke up as to why I dreamt about 'zombies'.  And I don't mean "Night of the Living Dead" slow walking, moaning "braaaaaains" zombies.  I am talking about those terrifying ones that run like f**king cheetahs (World War Z, 28 Days Later, I am Legend, etc.).  I was NEVER scared of zombies because I always thought, "dude you can OUTRUN them"...until 28 Days Later came out.  I remember going to the theater to see it and I was f**king scared out of my mind!  They didn't just run, they full on sprinted, all the while screeching.  And it wasn't like a slow burn infection.  You got ANY type of bodily fluid in you and you were a screaming banshee in seconds, WTAF!?!?

It's a loooong, detailed dream...get some popcorn and enjoy.  

Okay, moving on to my dream.  I was on vacation with the other half when the world went to $hit.  I am assuming we were in some sort of tropical climate because there was a resort and swimming BUT there were also things that hinted at Europe sooooo who the f**k knows.  I am not sure how but basically we get separated.  One minute we are enjoying an all inclusive beach and boos resort and the next minute I am wandering around Ireland...Scotland...MAYBE...it was really green...and a bit nippy.  I really don't know but it wasn't the U.S. that's for sure (people talked "funny").  I am picked up by a group of other survivors and brought to something that looks like a fort.  But inside it is ANOTHER all inclusive type place, no beach but a ridiculous pool and lavish buildings.  I am concerned about getting the f**k out of whatever country I am in but everyone there is like "no we stay here and wait for rescue" which sounds like the WORST idea to me.  There are parties every night and patrols every day.  I remember going swimming (no clue where the suit came from ) at one point.  There was a guy. . .I can't remember his face but he was attractive, tall and skinny but muscular.  He wouldn't leave me alone, even when I said "sorry boo, I am taken" (see even in my dreams, faithful wife).  He kept trying to catch me in the pool.  He got pissed at one point and threw a bunch of giant pills at me (is that The drugs???).  After some contemplation I went to the room he was sharing with some other peeps and returned the pills (I have no idea why, don't ask).  He looked different now.  I remember thinking "holy $hit, he's famous!" but I am not sure who it was.  We were suddenly BFF's and practically inseparable (no more sexual advances).

Jumping ahead, a group of us thought the whole "party all the time" mantra was a bad idea.  Stop making noise!!!  So of course one fateful night the "zombies" breach the outer wall and come pouring in.  We were near the insane pool...two options 1) Run around it and chance getting caught by a human cheetah on speed or 2) Dive into the water and swim across....the shortest distance between two points is a straight line, looks like I'm getting wet (shhhhhhhh, get your mind out the gutter).   The details of the dream were so vivid!  I could feel the water go up my nose when someone accidentally jumped on top of me.  I remember the weight of my clothes from jumping in fully clothed and the heaviness of my tennis shoes.  I can still feel the vice like grip on my calf as an inhuman fell in, latched onto my leg, and pulled me back under.  And I remember the relief I felt as my friend pulled me from the water and to safety (no bites or scratches...whew).  Thankfully the infected seemed to have trouble traversing the water so we managed to get a head start running (as I coughed a gallon of water out my burning lungs).  We made it to a main building where we broke into groups to enact a plan that I don't remember helping to create but I knew my place.

It consisted of us running UP stairs to lure the infected behind us. . . okay in EVERY horror movie I yell "OMG don't go up the f**king stairs! There is no way to escape." But we had a plan . . .it was sketchy at best.  We had to wait for the rabid individuals to see us and then run like our @$$ was on fire, what could go wrong...?

Jumping ahead again, we are no longer in the safety of the resort.  We've been separated into smaller groups.  Not by choice. . .  We are moving from "safe" house to "safe" house as quickly and quietly as possible.  We sleep in shifts and scavenge for food in the abandoned homes.  We can't eat just anything, in case it is INFECTED.   The only thing I really remember from this part is that my new friend was fiercely protective of me, &/or I made him feel safe...grounded...not sure.  I just know he NEVER left my side.  I can recall him basically cocooning himself around me while I was sleeping and holding on for dear life (we are talking vice grip).  Not in a snuggle up or sexy way...more like an "I can't lose you too way".  And honestly sometimes I wasn't sure if he was protecting me from the zombies or the other men in our group.  It was weird. 

Jumping ahead further, we find more survivors.  It is a military compound. They will only let us in once our eyes have been scanned (this was from I am Legend, I think).  They wanted to separate us but my friend said we were married so we could get in...together.   Conveniently we both had wedding bands....I guess he was married too...I don't remember noticing it before this.  It is hot, loud and chaotic but it feels safe.  I have no idea how much time had passed but eventually I spot a familiar face in the mess hall and practically tackle him (my other half, if you didn't figure that out).  He has a woman with him...it is my friend's wife...I know, I know very cheesy...sorry...I think my brain needed a happy thought.  Out of no where I heard the animalistic screeching the runners make.  Somehow they got inside. . . I was wrapped up in my hubbies arms crying when I felt a powerful shove...I woke up. 

I obviously don't know for sure what happened but I know what it felt like.  It felt like the "monster" got me.  Needless to say, I couldn't really fall back asleep after that.  My heart felt like it was trying to escape.  But why did I have this insane dream?!?!  Then I remembered.  Saturday night I put on SyFy Channel and watched 28 Weeks Later.  I didn't watch all of it but I watched enough to give my subconscious enough ammo to scare the bejesus out of me. 

You are the reason we can't have nice things!

People...are...so...stupid! Sorry but while individuals can be intelligent, people en masse are morons. This makes me stabby!

This isn't about work, it is shockingly about...Dogs.  Yea, I said dogs!  If you know anything about me you know I love animals.  I love all dogs big and small.  I get REALLY angry when people judge a dog just because he/she is of a certain breed.  But that doesn't mean I think you should be a careless pet owner to "prove" your "aggressive" dog is actually an angel. 

My convict (who is considered an aggressive breed) is a big baby.  He is a loveable, snuggable, sweetheart (with a bad rep).  Don't get me wrong he will protect me, my husband and the other animals in a flash, we are his pack.  He loves going for walks.  As a precaution he gets muzzled.  He is fine with it, well he hated it at first but he's very powerful and I don't want to take a chance that he gets the wrong vibe from someone/another dog because I wouldn't be able to stop him (unlikely but I don't like to tempt fate). 

So the other day, as I have been for the last couple weeks, I took Convict and Speedy on an early evening walk.  As we were heading down the street I noticed some neighbors outside (a lady and two very young kids), so I crossed the street (dog owner courtesy).  As I was passing I noticed their two pits hanging out on the front lawn.  I thought NOTHING of it.  I have big dogs, if they are out front they are tethered.  Suddenly I hear the pitter patter of dog nails on the sidewalk behind me.  *thinking* "$hit!".  The two pits have crossed the street and have blocked our path.  As I said before I don't judge breeds, had they been any other breed I would have had the same concern because I DON'T know these dogs.  And they were HUGE, not tall but solid, massive muscle.  Convict, thank God, seemed fine, ears up, tail wagging, whining.  Speedy was okay but clearly scared, ears back, tail down.  My neighbors adorable children (who used to ride their bikes next to me while I jogged) came to my rescue, meanwhile their mother (I guess) was on her cell going "oh $hit, oh $hit!" Her freaking out was NOT calming my nerves.  The dogs seemed very friendly but they wouldn't leave my dogs alone and were trying to get to me (not in a scary way, just curious).  My dogs were standing in front of me and moved when they moved... I was starting to get worried my dogs would go into "protect mommy" mode.  The two tiny tots were trying to manhandle their two dogs back across the street but these dogs were as big if not bigger than them so it wasn't really working, the male kept jerking away and hovering over Speedy and I was getting worried the kids would get in the crossfire of a dog fight...which by the way would have ended with my two fur babies in bad shape because they wouldn't have stood a chance!

The kids finally get a handle on them and said "go head lady, we got 'em".  So we start walking, *pitter patter* "f**k!"And they are back, still looked happy but come on!  Mom was still on her phone yelling for the dogs but doing NOTHING ELSE, "WTF!?!"  She disappears and gets her husband...I guess...and he basically just stands in his front yard yelling for the dogs.  Okay now I am getting ANGRY!  Stop being a lazy @$$ and come get your f**king dogs!  At this point they had followed me more than half a block.  This is when I realized one is a female and looks like she just had pups "$hit!!!!!"  The male was doing that "challenge" thing...I think it was playful but it scared the crap outta Speedy who went into protect momma mode (he is like 15 lbs btw) and started growling and snapping air, this triggered Convict who started growling (hackles up), now the pits are growling and I am about to cry, "so this is how it ends *sigh*".  FINALLY the older child yelled something, as I was forcefully saying "NO!" and pulling my two back.  It eventually broke the tension...all dogs started wagging their tails again.  The CHILDREN ended up leashing their dogs and going home.  I thanked them profusely and continued my walk. 

My point is the pits were great dogs.  They were insanely sweet and clearly loveable (like most of them are).  My problem was why tempt fate???  You never know what could trigger ANY dog.  Speedy being a prime example...hes a bleeding Hound mix and tried to scare off a pit that was 4 times his size!  Look, I don't care if you have a pitbull or a chihuahua, it shouldn't be off a leash outside of a fenced in yard or dog park!  I was attacked by a miniature poodle one day while jogging because the owner let him/her out front without a leash.  The f**king dog was biting my ankles...I had cuts and punctures!!! Had it been a larger dog...I don't even want to think about that. 

Just be responsible!  They already have a bad rep, why take the chance of proving people right???  Seriously, why.take.the.chance, especially with a bigger dog?  They may be perfect angels but they WILL protect their home and humans (pack) as they see needed.  And while they may love you to bits, they may not love me (or that kid on the bike) for whatever reason.  I should be able to walk around my neighborhood with or without my dogs and not have to worry about being attacked by another dog(s).  You want them out front?  Buy a lead, they are $10-$20 at Walmart. 

Irrational?!?! Clowns are terrifying, you nut!

I've been told my "fear" of clowns is irrational.  I disagree!!! Clowns are 100% terrifying (statistical fact).  Why are they wearing that exaggerated makeup?!?!?  What's with the baggy exaggerated clothes???  WHAT ARE THEY HIDING?!?!

It is not an irrational fear.  Others think my fear is based off of IT.  They think I saw IT as a kid and it scarred me for life.  While yes I did see IT, that is not what started my fear.  My FEAR was well established before IT...the movie only justified my fear.  Clowns are f**king evil!

I distinctly remember hating clowns from a very young age.  I had a clown lamp in my bedroom.  It was a clown holding a bushel of balloons.  The balloons were the lamp shade.  It also played f**king circus music if you wound it up and the head lolled from side to side (I think, I may have imagined that part).  Also, the face had this forced looking smile like it was just waiting to kill me in my sleep.  "Gee, I wonder why I developed a fear of clowns?!!?!?" 

I can't find a picture of the lamp I had...the ones I am finding aren't nearly as nightmare inducing!!! Either that or my memory is quite skewed...
 

It looked something like this but the base was mostly white, not wood, I think it was porcelain & plastic

The face looked more like this.....

But in all seriousness I basically refused to sleep in my bedroom until my mom removed it.  I didn't even want it in the attic, I wanted it gone!  I was like 3 or 5 years old!!!  She replaced it with a lamp that was a f**king doll with an umbrella and the umbrella was the lamp shade.  "OMG mom stop giving me lamps that can watch me sleep!!!!!"

It looked something like this!

I think my mom was trying to scare me to death! 

Anyways, my fear of clowns started long before IT ever came out.  I saw IT.  You might be wondering WHY someone with a fear like mine would do that. Well I was at a sleep over and I didn't want to be the "scaredy cat" so I sat through it.  Then I didn't sleep for a f**king week! 

Seriously, could you sleep if you saw this every time you closed your eyes?!!??!

You would think as an adult my "fear" would have dwindled.  Nope!  I can control it...outwardly you would think I was fine (unless you really know me)...inside I'd be hyperventilating!  But for real, I went to the Circus with my friends for one of the kid's birthdays...I had to concentrate on not freaking out so the little ones wouldn't freak out.  It was pathetic! I even re-watched IT again as an adult and literally had every light in my house on.  The guy I was dating at the time came home and was like "WTF?!!?"  I absolutely, without a doubt, am terrified of clowns.  They are not cute or funny people!  They will kill you in your sleep...hello, Pennywise, Twisty...KILLER CLOWNS FROM OUTER SPACE!

Sam is my spirit animal...he gets its!

 

Look, I love me a good horror movie but put a clown in it and I am reduced to a quivering mess. 

If you are a friend of Jesus, you'll be quiet

Sing that to the tune of "if you're happy and you know it, clap your hands."  I actually used this recently with some kids I really don't know who were about to drive me up a wall.  Thankfully they were just as scared as I used to be that Jesus would think I didn't want to be his friend unless I stopped talking.  I mean, you don't want our Lord and Savior saying "*sigh* little Johnny there wouldn't stop whispering to Susie.  Guess he isn't my friend after all *sniffle*."

Seriously though,  these few words could silence an entire assembly in seconds.  Picture a sweet looking nun standing in-front of the school assembly singing that in the most lovely Spanish accent with her hands clasped in front of her.  Of course, this same sweet little nun could put the fear of God in you with just a look.  And I am not talking about a mean look.  She would look at you with a sweet smile and shining eyes and correct you.  Then you suddenly felt like the most awful child on the planet, "oh no!  Why did I do _____?!?!?".  Even if it was something as silly as using the last of the craft glitter and now no one else can make a shiny snowman.  "Dear God, I am a horrible 9 year old!"  

There were different variations also..."if you are a friend of Jesus, you'll sit down." or "if you are a friend of Jesus, you'll line up to go to lunch" or "if you are a friend of Jesus, you'll stop hitting the little girl you think is cute." Okay maybe the last two are a me being silly (or maybe not).  But I can tell you 99.99999% of the time all good little Catholic kids at my school would IMMEDIATELY stop whatever they were doing that could make them not a friend of Jesus.  It was freaking GENIUS!!! 

Anyway, apparently I learned quite a lesson from her.  When kids are misbehaving tell them Jesus wont be their friend unless they stop.  Voila, perfect little angels...muahahahaha.  My luck I will say this one day and some little $hit will be like, "good thing I worship the prince of darkness" to which I will throw salt and holy water on said child, a la Winchester style and hope I am not sued by the parents when the little booger starts sizzling. 

Hello, my name is Filet Mignon

Well that's what I feel like anyway.  Seriously, I used to think that some women blew the whole "men are pigs" thing out of proportion, as in overly reading into their actions, but now I am not so sure.  Let me clarify, I am not talking about the ones that are obviously a threat to a female.  I am talking about getting mad because someone innocently said they looked pretty.  Anyway, I know there are many good men out there but there also seems to be an equal amount of not so good ones.  They aren't bad as in I fear my safety but some just give me the heebie jebbies.

This morning a guy growled at me.  Honest to god.  He looked me up and down and made a guttural sound that reminded me of a noise my dogs make.  I've read books and "stories" where they author says something along the lines of "he growled in anticipation".  Since I've never experienced this, I find this statement a bit funny.  My husband is apparently not a "growler", well when he is being silly but that is totally different.  I get that it is supposed to be an animalistic response to the female doing something extremely sexy but saying he "growled" makes me giggle. 

Moving on.  The fact that this person growled at me, really creeped me out.  I felt about 2" tall and almost threatened.  Not truly feeling in danger because I know him, well sort of, we aren't that close (which something can be said about that) but the look was devouring and the sound predatory, at least to my eyes and ears.  Plus I feel like that was an intimate gesture, as in an acknowledgment of other things to happen.  If it was my husband, I would have thought next he'll say "bedroom, now" or something of that nature.  My point is its been a long time since I felt like nothing more than a piece of meat and exposed.  I gave a nervous laugh/smile and inched my way around him trying to have an air of confidence, rather than show how uncomfortable I felt.   He came found me a bit later and said he just wanted to let me know I looked nice today, which is very sweet and none of the previous "look" was there.

I just hate that he thought that initial response was okay or welcomed.  Yes, I appreciate being told I look nice or whatever but there are lines that should not be crossed and I feel like one was crossed today.  If it had been a stranger, I would have been in fight or flight mode, thinking I would need to defend myself.  Honestly, it was like a scene from a lifetime movie.  No one around, girl looks delicious, guy thinks I want & I shall have and then things go all wonky. 

I am by no means a supermodel.  I am cute and quirky.  As in, I know I am attractive but I don't expect to trigger that kind of response based on my business attire.  Not that a response of that nature should EVER be issued by someone other than your significant other!

Mid Life Crisis...REALLY?!?!

How old do you have to be to have one of these? And why do they happen?

So I thought this was something that only happened in movies because I've never known someone who actually had a Crisis...I've known those that have second thoughts but not total breakdown.  

Today I had the most horrible day...not because of what a guy did to me but because of what he did to one of my very close friends.  You see the couple I am referring to has been married for MANY years, they have two beautiful/smart kids and are pretty much a perfect fit. Until recently!!!

She broke down to me.  Over the past few months she has noticed her hub slowly pulling himself away from her.  They haven't been intimate, barely talk, he goes out a lot and comes home with alcohol on his breath.  She said she tried talking to him but he said he's fine.  Wel she got a HUGE cell phone bill.  When she checked it she realized one number that was on there ALOT.  And she knew it right away...its one of their good friends. 

She confronted him about it when he finally strolled in and immediately he said, want me to leave.  No " there's nothing going on"  or "its not what you think".  His first response was, want me to leave.  That right there admits guilt...RIGHT!?!  Well they talked a little but their kids were there.  One thing he managed to get out was " I'm just not happy and I haven't been for about a year now".  My heart dropped when she told me this.  I had a flash back of my failed relationship last year.  Although we were not married and have no kids, we had the same weird confrontation.  The "I'm just not happy."  

She cried herself sick last night.  I didn't know what to say, all I wanted to do was hug her and tell her it would be ok.  He swears he never had an affair but he talked to her for HOURS everyday and texted all day long.  If it wasn't physical, it was still an affair.  It was an emotional affair!!! 

My friend and him talked again after the kids left.  He tried to blame EVERYTHING on her. He said he needs love too.  That everything is so routine.  That when they were intimate he felt like she wasn't there.  Although I'm sure there are things she can do different, I am also sure he's not perfect either!!!  He hurt her!  He crushed his wife, the mother of his children, the woman he supposedly loves.  And all he could say was "don't you ever think about what could have happened?  What if we should have followed a different path?  Haven't you ever thought about being with other people?"  She said NO NEVER.  He still stuck to the nothing happened but it was only a matter of time before the affair went past emotional...  

He finally realized what a douche he's been when she told him what their daughter said.  About a week or so ago she said "Mommy what's wrong with daddy?  He's not him anymore.  Are you all getting a divorce?"  Then she told him how she knows about his going out and drinking when she's not around because her son told her!  I'm pretty sure that made him feel like ass.  I HOPE IT DID!

He called her while I was talking to her to check and see how she was.  Guilt is a nasty thing to come to terms with.  

It made me realize how DUMB some men are.  They get this bug up their ass as they age.  They start to think about what might have been instead of appreciating what they have.  He is willing to throw away a wonderful marriage and beautiful wife because he can't stop thinking about what he missed out on because he had kids and got married kinda young.  He says its so routine... well of COURSE it is, they have two kids and just enough money to make ends meet... how are they supposed to break the routine???  She's tried, I know she has because she tells me, but they are always watching their money soooooo its a vicious vicious cycle.

Whether he wants to admit it or not he cheated on her, in a way, with another woman.  He strayed from his wife and family because he was feeling insecure!  He didn't try to fix it he just pulled himself away.  Which scares the crap out of me.  I want the happily ever after .  I want to fall in love and start a family but I am scared to death because I don't want to go through that.  I went through something similar once and THANK GOD we were not married with kids because I was a nut case after and I still don't know what happened.  I still have no idea why I wasn't good enough for him.  I'm glad things happened because now I can find someone who will treat me right but holy s--t, I don't think I could do it again.

Ok I think I am done freaking out now.  I still want to KICK my friend's husband's ass right now.  I hope to God he realizes what he is giving up.

A Lemon Grew Legs and Tried to Attacked Me...

It's not even October yet...right?

Last night I was exhausted, so when I went to bed I was OUT like a light. Around 12 - 12:30 I heard a noise. I rolled over and saw the hall bathroom light on. I was like "Oh, my 'roommate' had to potty, whatever." He was in there a while so his dog got upset and came in the bed with me. I was just starting to fall back asleep when his dog JUMPED from a dead sleep to up on all fours in a split second. This crazy motion scared me and I jumped. Then he started sniffing (hound dog style) all over the bed, the other dogs and me. If a dog can looked confused/scared, that was the look he had. So I am like what the hell stupid dog. Then all of a sudden the cat, who was sleeping by my head went into stalking mode staring in his direction. Suddenly she leaps OVER my dog and starts rolling all over the foot of the bed. By this time I was out of the bed and like WHAT THE HELL IS IN MY ROOM?!?!?!? Mind you all I had time to turn on, until now, was the TV so it was very dark. The cat stopped rolling, jumped off the bed and ran down the hall...my roommates dog followed but only to the gate (he can't jump over it like she can).

I checked the ENTIRE room. I didn't see anything, so I settled down and tried to go back to sleep. Before I could relax I hear this commotion in the hallway. Its his dog going ballistic and the cat darting up and down the hall. Well I finally got up and me and my roommate ran into each other trying to see what was going on but we can barely see anything and the hall light is broken. The cat is at our end of the hall...she goes into crouching tiger stance. Suddenly she darts down the hall leaps at least 3 feet into the air and pounces on something at the other end of the hall. She skidded 4-5 feet with whatever it was pinned under her front paws. After about, oh I dunno, a second she starts beating the living daylights out of the floor. Well we ran down the hall to see what it was...it was a MASSIVE cockroach!!! And it was trying to get away from the psycho kitty that just tried to beat it into the floor, so what does it do...it runs straight to ME! So now I am running down the hall going "Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!". My roommate finally kills it and we all calm down. So all I can figure is it crawled on the dog (better him than me) and freaked him the heck out.

Well of course now I am totally freaked out because that is my phobia...I can deal with ANY other bug...not Roaches!!!!!! And it was in my bed...OMG!!!! So I tried to go to sleep but I was paranoid. I slept with the TV on, had in ear plugs (not bc of noise from the TV) and every few minutes I would get chills down my spine.

Well I FINALLY start to doze off again when I feel something touch my face..."AHHHHHHHH". I jumped up so fast but my two dogs had me pinned so I only sat up. I'm looking all over for another critter...it was a critter alright...my cat decided she wanted to nuzzle...it was her whiskers. I wanted to kick her butt, she scared the cah cah outta me! So yea I didn't really sleep good last night.