Ever Dance with the Devil in the...bright sunlight?

 I know I know its a wrong quote, I am being funny.    I think I pulled a muscle and I hate everything.  

Kidding, I'm not that old.  But picture it... NOLA 2025.  Its summer and you are watering plants because Invest 93L was a joke and dropped like NO rain.  Ok it dropped some in other places but not a lot here.  

So there I am watering plants as a favor when something smacks me in the side of the face.  

I had music on so I didn't hear anything but looked around.  I didn't see anything so I went about watering and singing.  When out of nowhere I hear "Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz" by my ear. 

So I look and a f**king wasp hits the lense of my sunglasses.  

 

So I

All while holding the stupid watering wand in my hand. It was like the most spastic water ballet ever.

Meanwhile the f**king wasp kept coming.  So I am like screaming nonsense at this little flying demon. 

I finally dowse it in enough water it flies away.  That is when I realize I have like 20 notifications on my watch and I hear laughing.  

The ENTIRE ordeal is caught on the freaking Ring Camera and the laughing I hear is the person I am doing this favor for and his friends WATCHING ME FIGHT AN "INVISIBLE" THREAT!!!

Apparently he saw the alert I was in the yard and was bragging (AW) to his friends how awesome I am to take care of his plants.  And when he opened the camera to tell me hi.... the above happened.  Which was apparently very entertaining. 

His friend "we could go viral if we upload that!!!!"

Cue MORE laughter.  Yea yea yall live it up....I'll just go waterboard some wasps.  

How did it survive in the fridge?!?!? Better yet, why was it in the fridge?!?!

Sooooooooooooooooo many things have happened that make me want to crawl back in bed and just wake up in a week or something.

FIRST:
My dog is an @$$hole!  He is way too smart but he doesn't listen...well not always.  He is still young and full of energy.  Half the time this gets him angry stares from Convict because he is old and has no time for those shenanigans.  This morning...like EVERY morning I let them out right before I left.  As usual Speedy had a crack attack.

Side Note: What is a crack attack you may ask.  Well it is a term we started saying in college when my dog and my boyfriend at the time's dog would run like a bat out of hell all over our apartments.  You know where they run at top speeds with their butt low to the ground and bark/nip every time they run past you.

Moving on, so that is happening and me & convict are just watching him...waiting for him to tire out.  After five minutes of *zoom* *pant pant pant* *bark* *zoom*...rinse repeat, we had had enough.  So I yelled "DOG!  I have to go to work!" So he turned and made a beeline for me and Convict...we both backed up some expecting impact.  Instead he ran straight through our saturated garden and "hit the brakes" right before he got to us.

This caused a spray of mud and water to come flying in our direction, covering us from head to toe.

I yelled, convict growled, speedy stared dumbly at us with that stupid dog face...you know the one where they tilt the head to the side with the tongue hanging out.  Yea, that one!  Don't let him fool you.  He knew EXACTLY what he was doing...that was not an accident!!! Needless to say I had to change and was REALLY late for work.  Not to mention I found mud in my hair AFTER I got to the office.

SECOND:
I got to the office and opened the fridge to get some jelly for my toast.  Something FLEW out of the fridge at my face, *SCREAM* *drops jelly* *turns to run and slams into a cabinet door*.  It was a WASP!!! WTF?!?!?

Why...how...what...I lost it.  Not like my sanity...no, I lost the wasp.  I couldn't find it *wah*.  So I proceeded to cautiously make my toast and jelly, jumping every time I heard...well anything.  I tossed a napkin and plastic knife into the trash can and was chased by said wasp.  *scream* *running out of the kitchen like a crazy person*.

I somehow managed to jelly myself I guess because as I ran I touched my toast...yay grape jelly on my shirt...GREAT!  Also, I lost it again. Mother f**ker!!!  I never found it!!!  But I notice we have some dead ones in the lights...I think we have a nest someplace *gulp*.

Source

**Take 1** Someone should video me doing yard work or house work. Not in a creepy way. I really think I could bring laughter to millions.

I am not one to shy away from #get$hitdone.  I will get dirty/icky if I need to.  I do manual labor when necessary.  I only truly fear one critter (bug who shall not be named).  People should learn from  me (not really, that could be bad).  Also, I act a fool in public...maybe I should have my own sitcom. 

Take 1:

When trimming the hedges (bushes) always beware of wildlife.  It can come in many forms.  The form I am used to dealing with is a royal @$$hole.  His people are known as wasps and they basically claim all lands.

Ima f**k you up! (Not my pic)

So when I hedge, I keep a can of Wasp Spray near by.  The problem is they don't always reveal themselves right away.  This causes me to look like a ninja while gardening. 

Not my pic

My neighbors can regularly see me "dancing" in the front yard.  *run close to the bush, snip-snip, run away from the bush, rinse, repeat*  This gives me the opportunity to run like my @$$ is on fire if indeed there are wasps hiding out.  My recent hedging did not disappoint.  I was "dancing" when a wasp came at me, "ahhhhhh run away, run away!" But I got him, muhahahaha.  As I was about to do my victory jig something pegged me in the head.  *crouching tiger*  

Not my pic

WTF?!? I looked up and saw nothing.  Hmmmm.  So I continued trimming.  Out of no where this bright @$$ red bird flies at my face *scream* *drop trimmers* *runs away*. 

Caw caw mother f**ker! (not my pic)

I swear I looked like Ace Ventura when he encounters bats! 

Not my gif

 Am I in a Hitchcock film?!?!  I slowly approached the bush and kicked it (smart, I know).  *screeeeeeech* *chirp chirp chirp* *running away* "ahhhhhh its going to peck my eyes out!". 

Who needs wings, when I can just dive bomb your face! (Not my Pic)

I crept back to the bush (seriously, I need to learn when to just give up) and gently parted the branches. 

Not my pic

Only to be almost face to face with a royally PISSED OFF momma bird and 3 lil babies.  "dawwwww" *smiles*.  *screeeeeeech* "$hit!" Here comes daddy *running away* "Okay okay, I'll stop trimming, geesh!".