My tree tried to be a ballerina & failed OR Cats are @$$holes....take your pick

So the other day before we left Demon Spawn showed a sudden interest in the Tree.  You know how you know a cat is interested in something?  Their eyes dilate so much they are basically black (one reason for the nickname Demon Spawn) and they do this weird crouching tiger wiggle butt thing.

So she was doing that on the back of the couch while looking at my Tree.  "No!!! Bad kitty!!!  Do NOT even think about it! I will hurt you". She said "Meow" and walked away.  I took that as an understood "Don't touch the f**king tree".

Remember how the Tree is anchored to the wall?  Yea well apparently when dealing with @$$hole felines you need TWO anchors.  We got home to a toppled over tree, a handful of broken ornaments and cats no where to be found.  It had done a 45 degree spin (I think that's right), moved about 2 feet (our anchor must not have been taut), and landed against the couch (I think this saved most of my ornaments).

Tree down, tree down!!!

Once we got the tree back upright we noticed something odd.  I mean besides all of the ornaments being off the damn tree....how'd it do that?!??!  When adjusting the tree there was a perfect hole in the side that was facing the couch.  A perfect cat sized hole.  A hole that was just below chest level on me....perfect height for an old cat to jump.  Then we noticed another hole about a foot higher.  This one was smaller but still cat sized, hmmmmm.

Conclusion one of the cats jumped from the couch and landed in the tree.  The other cat saw their sister in there and decided to join her.  The momentum of the 2nd cat hitting the Tree plus the combined weight of two cats on one side of the tree caused it to spin, moving the tree two feet before it went off balance and fell over causing The Great Tree Fall of 2015.  There are now TWO anchors holding the tree up.  If I get home later and it fell again, I'm gonna murder some cats.

How I envision the Cat-astrophe going down (based on the evidence):
Old lady: Hmmm I haven't climbed the Christmas Tree in years...
Demon Spawn: Heeeeeey I wanna play
Old Lady: No...bad idea.  Go away
Demon Spawn: *butt wiggle* I'ma goin'
Old Lady: *hisssss* this will not end well
Demon Spawn: *Leaps off the couch* Ha! 
Old Lady: Hey, I can do that too!!! *leaps into tree* Well that wasn't so bad....
Demon Spawn: See, its fi.....f**k f**k f**k Ahhhhhhh
Tree: *pirouetting* 
Old Lady: Dammit I can't believe I let you talk me into this *jumps gracefully onto the couch*
Demon Spawn: *spazzes out* *tries to climb higher* *fails* *falls chaotically onto the couch*
Tree: I'ma fall now
Both: F**k we are so dead
Dogs: WTF is going on in there?!?!?!?!
Both: Nothing....
Dogs: Can't blame it on us this time

 

Its not like its a mechanical tree tornado, hell bent on killing us...or is it?

So last year we had the saga of Demon Spawn stealing baby Jesus.  This year we have the tale of Speedy protecting me from a tree. 

I personally purchased and decorated the tree...it didn't just suspiciously show up at the door looking pretty. But apparently "trees don't belong inside" is ingrained in Speedy and he is losing his ever loving mind.

I was worried he might pee on it.  Nope he thinks it has murderous intentions.  But since he is part boxer he is 100% goober and its kind of hilarious. 

So we put the tree up to "fall" before we decorated it.  This in and of itself was threatening. 

Speedy:  I don't know who you are or where you came from but I will murder you
Tree: Subtly leans a little to the left
Speedy: OMG its gonna eat me *runs down the hall peeing*
Me: *face palm* God help me.....

Later that evening:
Me: *putting water in the tree stand*
Speedy: Mom.....moooooom!!! Get away from it!!! *growl, growl* 
Me: OMG dog, its just water splashing
Speedy: *nipping at the lower branches* *bark* Run mom, I'll save you!!!
Me: *rolling eyes*

The next day:
Me: *Putting lights around the tree with the hubs* 
Speedy: *tries biting the light strand*
Me: NO!
Speedy: *bark, bark* *growl* *charges tree* Yea, yea you're scared now, aren't ya!!!! *starts to walk away all cocky like*
Tree: Moves because I am touching it
Speedy:  You're on your own woman!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *runs into his kennel*
Me: Wow....

Me: *putting pearl strands on the tree* Lalalalala
Speedy: *grabs the pearls and runs* I shall feast on the entrails of my sworn enemy
Me: Ahhhhhhh! No! Bad Dog!
Speedy: *sad face* I just trying to help...MURDER IT!
Tree: Starts to fall over onto me (for some reason the stump is REALLY soft and not holding well)
Speedy: *bark bark bark* Mom, move! MOOOOM!!! *tugging on my leg* *growl* OMG it ate her!  Convict! Convict why aren't you freaking out?!??!
Convict: *yawn* I'm sleeping, go away!
Me: If you nip my leg one more time I am going to murder you!


This Morning:
Speedy: Oh.My.GOOOOOOOD! It has grown balls!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! How come I can't do that!??!?!  *cautiously sniffing ornaments*
Me: Leave it alone dog
Speedy: But mooooooom...Moooooom...LOOK!  It has things I can eat on it!!! *tries to nibble an icicle*
Me: I swear to God dog...if you touch that tree again, I will tan your hide
Speedy: *boops a large white glittery ball with his nose* 
Tree: Drops the ornament onto the rug
Me: *whew*
Speedy: Ahhhhhhh its trying to attack me!!!! Mom run I got this!!!! *growl* *bark bark* *bouncing around from side to side nipping at the tree*
Me: Nooooooooooooooooooooo!  Stop...bad dog...OMG!
Tree: I'm gonna fall over now
Me: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! *jumps over the couch to catch it*
Hubs: WTF is going on in here? *sees me holding the tree up with no gloves* *sees speedy in attack mode* *blinks* Its too early for this crap....
Me: Um a little help please...
Speedy: Die mother f**ker!!!!!!!

So we used fishing line to anchor the tree to the wall.  All is well at the moment...but Speedy still doesn't trust it.  Maybe he knows something we don't...that its a murderous tree sent by Mechanical Santa's to kill us all....too bad I don't have a Doctor to save us...doh!

Give me back Baby Jesus, you little b***h!

A sentence I never thought I would utter.  Also, a sentence that probably makes my neighbors think I am crazy.  Can you imagine walking down the sidewalk when you hear that yelled from inside your seemingly sweet little neighbors house?!?!?!

So what happened you may be wondering.  Weeeeeeeell you see we started decorating for Christmas, yay!  I inherited an old nativity scene from my grandma so I decided to display it under the tree.  Why I thought this was a good idea is beyond me. 

You know how people post pics of cats climbing trees/destroying Christmas?!?  Yea I have one of those cats.  She is called DEMON SPAWN and she is an @$$hole.  The first incident, before the ornaments were on the tree, I heard the sounds of something tumbling across the tile floor.  I saw her batting around baby Jesus.  "Oh come on cat!"  I said NO (she cowered) and I put him back in the nativity scene.  While I was sleeping that night I heard a loud crashing from the living room, "seriously?!?!" The tree was still standing but she has mowed down the entire nativity scene and baby Jesus was missing.  OMG!  I found him under the couch, put everything back together while glaring at her form across the room, and went back to bed. 

The next night I started putting ornaments on the tree.  She was intensely watching me from the back of the couch.  Every time I put something up, I looked at her and said No.  I decided I needed more pretty bulbs to replace the ones that broke last year when the tree fell over (pre demon spawn...clumsy dog) so I went to the store.  I came back to the wise men scattered and baby Jesus kidnapped *grrrrr*.  He was in a dog dish *face palm* ...I don't think a dog had anything to do with it, I am thinking this was a premeditated get the pups in trouble technique. 

Finally I finished making the tree looked pretty and began putting bells around the bottom of the tree.  I've done this for years because old lady cat used to knock ornaments off the tree.  The bells alerted me to her presence...she got sprayed with water and eventually the bells ringing became the deterrent.  This may or may not work with my little bundle of evil.  The whole time I was hanging bells I had an audience...under the tree.  She walked over to the nativity scene, I said NO and picked up the water bottle.  She looked at me, knocked the angel off the roof and took off running as I sprayed water after her, yelling "You little s**t!" Once I was done I went to take a shower.  When I came back to watch TV there were some bells on the floor and baby Jesus was again missing.  I couldn't find the damn cat.  Finally I spotted her running WITH baby Jesus in her mouth.  I screamed "give me back Baby Jesus, you little b***h!" And proceeded to chase her around the house with the spray bottle.  I caught her, she hissed, I said shut it, she went hide and I reassembled the bells and nativity.

The next morning when I woke up I found two ornaments were knocked off the tree but thankfully baby Jesus was still in his manger.  She was watching me from the back of the couch.  I said "Leave the tree ALONE!" She meowed really loudly.  I said "hey, don't talk back. I am serious." She meowed again and rolled over...falling off the couch.  She then looked at me and hissed.  "Oh for God's sake, cat.  Do not touch the tree!"

Later that morning I got a text from the husband "F*****g black cat is about to get tossed outside if I don't stop hearing bells!" Guess my little chat with her didn't work....*le sigh*.  I am 100% certain she knows she is being bad and 100% certain she does not care....she is an @$$hole!