Popcorn+Wine for dinner = Dead people (?) and a Tsunami

The 1st thing I remember is it was night time.  Like 8 or 9 PM.  I was in my little Mazda and was going to deliver sorted cards to my "new" contact at public safety.  But I was bringing them to his house.  He lived in an apartment building.  I was driving around what looked like Uptown New Orleans looking for this "complex".  It had a horseshoe driveway and looked almost like Notre Dame Seminary on Carrolton. At some point I remember thinking I should call him and make sure he's home (LOL what?!?!).

There were a TON of cars in various states of disrepair so no parking.  I found a spot on this weird stretch of Neutral ground where others were parking.  I couldn't find the apartment, 8-XXX.  I can't remember the rest of the number now but I remember the 8.  I realized as I was walking around the 8 was the building number and I was parked in front of Building 4.  

There were people EVERYWHERE but they weren't paying attention to me.  They were all very...dark.  I don't know how to explain it.  Like they weren't all dark skinned...just like in shadow and gave me the heebies.  I headed back to my car to get the cards and the dream shifted to a memory.  But a "Dream" memory.  

In the memory, I was going to my "old" contact's townhouse to drop off the sorted cards.  She lived with her husband and I missed her dearly.  She passed away (she has passed away in reality).  I was in her townhouse. It was very 80's with the brown tones and wood paneling.  She gave me the biggest hug and told me she always looked forward to my visits. She had dinner for us to enjoy together but her husband wasn't home yet.  There was lots of chatting and laughing.  It felt so good to be with her.

Then I was back at my car getting the GARBAGE bag out (in reality it would have been very organized boxes).  Some people I knew saw me and said they would walk with me to building 8 since they were going to a party at building 15.  The girl didn't want me going by myself...she was very worried about me being alone with all these people out.  The bag was heavy but we were making our way around.  These people were like in a trance moving around almost in a daze...and like I said, shadowed.  We were "bright".  The shadowed people didn't move out of the way.  It was like they didn't really see us.  I really felt like we didn't belong and I knew if I touched one it would be bad. 

Then I was back in my car driving around New Orleans in the early morning but like an exaggerated, weird AF version of the streets.  Things looped around to nowhere.  If you weren't careful you ended up on a bridge that went (?) to I don't know where but I was terrified of going over it.  It was really tall and the otherside was dark as heck. 

I was on what I think was Tchoupitoulas Street but it had a "street car" and was even more narrow than it actually is.  I went through a tunnel (WTF) and my GPS was like "Nah B may a u-ey".  But the U-turn took me back into the tunnel and there were tracks for the street car and I didn't think I was supposed to go in there.  So I was waiting outside of it and I saw a light and was like "I knew it, there is a train".  Seriously what is happening?!?!? People already in the tunnel moved to the side of the walls (WTF) and the "train" shot out of the tunnel but it was a model train like the ones my brother used to have. 

It jumped again and I was bringing breakfast to to my work bestie's house.  The "new" contact from Public Safety was with me and another guy that was shortish, fit, older with white hair and a white beard.  My bestie lived in an attached house....like it was a house attached to another house....  He answered the door in jeans and an undershirt.  It was like 7AM or something.  I was like sorry for the early hour but we have brekkie. 

He was grumpy and said he needed coffee but let us in.  He swiped his hand dramatically over his head and eyes (he is lacking in the hair dept) and glared at the two men behind me.  He said his family had already left for the day.  It was a tiny kitchen with a table in the middle to fit 5, like short rectangle.  But it had a lot of stuff on it.  It reminded me of the table at my grandparents house...ALWAYS covered in crap.  

We sat down to eat and before I could cook the chicken bites one of the other guys put a piece of raw chicken on bread and ate it (AHHHHHHH!).  Anyways, I grabbed the rest and popped it in the oven.  

It jumped again and the table was gone and there was a mattress in the middle of the kitchen and an old small box TV on a stand.  Bestie was like "I sleep in here sometimes" (WUT?!?!?).  I was sitting on the counter and felt the sink move.....so I moved over because the sink was detaching from the counter. Dude with the white beard went to use the sink and I said "be careful his house is breaking".

I somehow fell asleep in the dream and woke up snuggled with "new" contact and when we woke up we jumped apart like whoa whoa WTF?!?!  Bestie was FUMING.  He was like "don't touch her!".  And pulled me off the counter.  Then we realized we were late for something and left.   

We were standing outside his front door when we heard sirens.  It was a Tsunami warning (WHAT?!!?).  When I looked up, I could see the pacific ocean about a mile away and a HUGE wave coming at us.  We started running for higher ground and as I was running up this HUGE hill I thought "we don't have hills in NOLA!!!".   As I looked back at the wave coming at us I realized we weren't high enough.  It was on land now and I could see people in the distance being flung off their safe perches by the water.  

We turned right and there was a STEEP grass covered bigger "hill" going higher so we booked it up that hill.  All four of us were together.  We collapsed at the top as the wave surged below us.  I was leaning against a rock or something next to bestie and he was looking away.  We were celebrating that we made it but I noticed he wouldn't look at me.  I said his name and he looked at me with red rimmed eyes, tears covering the blue and spilling down.  And I realized his home was down there and said "Oh _____ I am so sorry" and I tried to give him a hug but he said "No, don't...you can't hug me when I am like this".  So I placed my hand on his arm and he broke down crying and then fell into me.  So I hugged him and said "Shhh, its ok. Its going to be ok.  They are ok.".  I looked at my phone (which was like an old school silver panasonic with a keypad and a small screen) to make a call and realized I didn't have service.  

Count your blessings!

Alright, its that time of year where we see all of our "lovely" family.  And can I say...I feel like a busted can of biscuits compared to most.  I'm not far per se but I am not in shape. Things are popping out where they aren't supposed to.

With that said I've been around friends and family that look AMAZING.  They are slim and trim and not busting out like I am.  Well I say like I am.  Let me be clear.  I still am small.  Like way smaller than most but I am not as fit as before.  As in I am a bit...um...soft. 

It's a bit annoying.  I am NOT the inactive...soft type.  But then I took a step back.  The ones that are...more fit.  They are the ones that are divorced...separated...not in any type of relationship or "real" job.  They aren't stable.

I don't wish ill on anyone but that really puts things in perspective.  I have an AMAZING husband, beautiful friends, and supportive family.  Yea I am not in the shape I used to be in.  I am 100% certain I may be in SIGNIFICANT pain for the LA half but...I am happy. 

That means something right?  I have the great hubby.  I have the good job.  I have a really good life.   It's not always perfect but its mine. 

Anyways point being...yea they look good because they are working out to meet a new beau but I look like me.  I am 100% going to start running more.  But for me, not for anyone else.  I could be jealous but I'm not.  I wouldn't trade my squishy@$$ with an awesome home life for their rock hard abs but no one to go home to. 

That sounds really judge-y but I honestly don't mean it to  be.  I mean it more as a "the grass isn't always greener".  That's what I see.  Yea they look great but the CRAP they are dealing with isn't great. I hope it gets better for them...seriously I do.

So off I go to try and be a better me but not at the cost of my really good life. 

Peace out peeps!  Be happy with you.  Be happy with what you have.  Happy New Year my lovelies and don't forget to see what you have and stop stressing about what you don't. 

That is being blatantly two faced...to my FACE! I'ma start calling you Harvey Dent.

How can you sit here and listen to me talk about my two friends who happen to be gay and have been together FOREVER! Talk about how it sounds like their pup is their kid, etc.  Being all happy and smiling and saying how it sounds like they are a GREAT couple.  And then turn around and rant to me about the stupid clerk situation in Kentucky!!!  And tell me how she should stand for her religious right or whatever.  How the f**k...what the f**k...I am clearly not on the side of "she is right".  I've made it clear that I do not agree.  How can you sit there and think that that is an okay conversation to have with me??? And don't give me the stink eye when I say she is stupid.  Don't throw scripture at me about "gay" people.  Because there are a A LOT of weirdo "sins" from the Bible that NO ONE adheres to. They are using the Bible as a justification to persecute others. If you want to follow the rules...follow all of them. Stop eating pork, don't wear leather & cotton, stop getting your hair cut & shaving, etc, etc, etc.  Hell by the Bible's standards my dad and stepmom should have been stoned or something because they are both divorced and remarried.

"Whosoever putteth away his wife, and marrieth another, committeth adultery: and whosoever marrieth her that is put away from her husband committeth adultery." (Luke 16:18)

Rambles
More Rambles 

What if it was a DIFFERENT religion standing up for something?  Would you still agree?  No you would be like me, you lousy hypocrite!  You would say that is your JOB!  If the rules of said job clash with your beliefs and you can no longer do that job, find another f**king job! That lady in KY is a government official.  The court ruled anyone can marry...you MUST adhere or resign.  That isn't religious persecution...they aren't telling her she isn't allowed to be Christian, just that there is a new take on a law.  End of discussion. 

And then to go on yet another rant about how because of THAT situation schools want unisex bathrooms.  What?!?!!?  How does?!?!?  Sorry boo, those are completely unrelated situations.

I am not being rude, I'm just refusing to converse with ignorance.  We may not believe the same things yet I am still nice to you but when I POLITELY disagree with you, you are an @$$hole to me.  That's not very Christian.

"Thou shalt not hate thy brother in thine heart: thou shalt in any wise rebuke [reason with] thy neighbour, and not suffer sin upon him. Thou shalt not avenge, nor bear any grudge against the children of thy people, but thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself: I am the Lord." (Leviticus 19: 17-18)


You can have you beliefs without forcing them on everyone around you.  I'm not knocking any religion or non religion.  I preach acceptance...of EVERYONE!

Am I the only person who doesn't feel like they have to say "goodbye"?

I think people think that it is because I "can't deal with letting go" but honestly that isn't the case.  At least not for me.  I know many people...most people feel the need to say "goodbye" when someone is dying or has died.  And while I will pay my respects to those who are passing or have passed, I don't feel like it really helps me in any way. 

I dislike it.  And it isn't because of those reasons, like I don't like dealing with change/death/whatever.  It is because I have a memory(ies) of that person and I HATE that the last one I am going to have of them is of them weak or ghastly.  It is just something that has always baffled me.  I don't get closure from that.  Am I a freak?!?!  I again feel like a shrink would be like "boo, you have issues" but I really don't think I do.

I've always said (well as an adult) "funerals aren't for the deceased, they are for the ones left behind." Everyone said I would regret not going to my uncle's funeral.  Granted it was because I had an @$$hole of a professor who said "Uncle" wasn't considered immediate family and wouldn't excuse me from my final.  Could I have protested it?  Of course!  But I would have had an "Incomplete" for the semester until the university reached a decision and I truthfully didn't have much of a desire to go.  Again not because I didn't want to deal with it but because I just didn't feel like seeing him dead in a coffin and trying to console my hysterical family members would help me with my mourning.  Because lets be realistic, that is what would have happened.  For some reason many people at funerals want it to be all about them.  I can't tell you how many times I have been to a service and a fight/argument broke out over something as stupid as a flower and who was "allowed" to get one.  It makes my skin crawl.  It is a human thing (maybe I AM from Mars).  Many want the constant  attention of "feel sorry for me, my _____ has died".  And while yes that is sad, and I understand your grief, I personally don't deal well with theatrics. Being sad is one thing but I can't handle the over the top response.  I get that, that is just how some people are but it isn't me so don't try to pull me into that.  I am private, I mourn privately.  I tear up, I sniffle but don't come up to me and touch me intimately and be like "Go ahead and cry I am here for you." Because I will extract myself from you while probably laughing nervously and remove myself from the room. Everyone mourns differently, at least that is my take.  Unless I can tell someone wants a hug (you can tell by body language), I wont hug them...I wont just latch onto someone...I give my condolences and move along.  

Moving on.  If anything, going probably would have given me bad dreams.  The funeral wasn't for "him", he wasn't there...he had moved on...it was for my family...and seriously I love them but they are a bunch of nutters.  I didn't want to deal with the drama that was likely to ensue.  All I needed was my bat$hit crazy grandma trying to force me to go up to the coffin or force me to read during the service.  It was bad enough I got yelled at and called horrible names for not saying to hell with my final and going because I WAS supposed to read a passage.  I don't regret it.  Never have.  I went to the grave site later and I was fine.

I've been to quite a few funerals.  I don't go to the coffin, I have in the past but it didn't do anything for me.  It just isn't my thing...why is that so hard for people to understand this???  I don't NEED to see them one last time or touch their cold, lifeless skin.  I go to the services because those closest to the deceased need support.  Maybe this will change as I get older but I really doubt it.  I prefer to make funerals more of a remember the good times thing (which sometimes makes me VERY unpopular), instead of "hey, so and so died, lets all cry".

I am thinking about this because someone I know...someone I am close to is more than likely going to pass soon.  They don't know what is going on around them but I am and will be there for the grieving family.  I got the guilt trip of all guilt trips because I haven't put my life on hold to say goodbye (and continue to say goodbye).  I don't have to, in my opinion.  I've been to see them, I've realized it won't be much longer...its not good but I don't live nearby, I can't go everyday...does that make me a bad person...? I don't think they would want me to stop living because they are at the end of their journey...will I be sad, of course but what else am I supposed to do???

It is not 1920, at least last time I checked

If I am right, and I usually am, it is in fact 2015.  A time where we are not governed by the ridiculous standards of our grandparents (great grandparents) time.  Women are not just seen as an accessory for a man...they are their own people...with their own careers...with their own mind.  It hurts my brain every time I hear someone say something that sounds like it came out of the early 1900's.  I will sum it up...er, well list it out, below.  And note that I know this does not define everyone...I am just saying I have been shocked to hear such things in today's society.

1.) "Oh my God!  Did you hear she's pregnant???  She's not even married! Such a shame."

Um...first what does being married have to do with having a baby???????????  Last I checked it takes two to tango...why are we focusing on the woman here?  Who cares if there is or isn't a husband in the picture.  $hit happens people!  We are a free loving society...not many people wait till marriage to have $ex so quit being so judgmental. It isn't a shame.  What is a shame is it was probably completely unplanned which means a lot of things are going to change for her (and him).  They need our support not our sideways stares and hushed whispers. 

2.)  "She got knocked up on purpose!" 

Yes there are women who have done this but come on.  Accidents do happen ya know and again there was a guy there who had to contribute.  You think your sig other is trying to get PG on purpose wrap that $hit up son or don't sleep with her, you do have a say ya know.



3.)  "Well now they have to get married, for the baby."

Really...that is your take away here???  Sure lets force marriage on people who had a whoops.  Lets create a potential hostile situation where two people who maybe barely know each other or weren't meant to be married are coerced into it because their sexual exploits created a new life.  This just creates a higher divorce rate and a bad situation for the little one.  A baby does not equal must get married.  If at some point it happens, great, but don't force it because you are having a baby.

4.)  "Make an honest woman out of her."

I am going to nut punch you!  I am not even addressing this one further.

5.)  "You ruined my life!" 

Wow!  While I understand having a child is a big deal...saying it ruined a life is going a bit far.  And again...you took part in this.  To make a baby you had to insert tab A into slot B.  It's not like she siphoned off your little swimmers without your permission or he put them in you without permission (forced sexual content excluded).  If you aren't ready to support another life, maybe you should have thought about that before you did the horizontal mambo. 

6.)  "I pulled out, she must have cheated on me!"

WTF are you smoking?!?  Sex ed 101...pulling out doesn't work.  There is still a chance some can get through...this isn't her fault...man up!  Take some responsibility.



7.) "You can't keep it!" or "You have to keep it!"

They can do what they want...  I am not touching the pro life/pro choice debate with a 10 foot pole but I am saying if she does have the baby, adoption is a solution...if dad wants him/her okay but you can't tell her she has to keep it... just like you can't tell her she can't keep it.  He/she is her baby too...





8.) "I can't believe he is dating her...she has a child!" 

While I understand when you are in your early twenties this can be a slight hindrance it shouldn't dictate whether or not you like a person.  So what if his sig other has child already, I can almost guarantee he isn't a virgin so he very easily could have fathered a child also, even though he hasn't (that we know of). Do not judge her because she has a child, just don't...we should be a forward thinking society..STOP!

       a.) What kills me further is when said person decides he wants to marry this "harlot" and *gasp* 
             adopts her child.  Some people freak out...why?!?  I think that is very
             sweet..admirable...treating someone else's child as your own.

       b.)  Also, for some reason when the situation is reversed the guy is seen as almost a hero. "He 
             has a child.  He is clearly a good man if he is so involved in his child's life."  There isn't the
             same stereotype for him (sometimes there is but not usually).

Single dad = hero, single mom = whore...

what the actual f**k...just no.

Maybe it is just in the Deep South but I doubt it.  Life isn't easy...add a kid to it and it gets even harder but we should NOT be judging people based on this.  There are so many other more important situations we can focus on instead of whether or not a woman happens to have a child out of wedlock. 

Perspective

I think it is hilarious that I am my worst critic.  I look at pics of me lately and think "Ugh I look awful!  I am fat...ewwww....argh!"  I think you get the gist.  Anyways, I recently uploaded some pics to FB from a formal outing I went to last weekend.  I think I look awful but I couldn't upload no pictures of me so as bad as they were I put them up. 

I was trying to be funny/cute in one in particular and while it was funny/cute I think I look like a sausage stuffed into my dress.  Yuck!  But that is the picture...that is the one that EVERYONE seems to love.  They keep telling me how beautiful I look, how they love my dress and the number of likes is getting pretty ridiculous.  I just don't get it.  Are they just being nice...probably not.  Because there are other photos where I think I look nice and they don't get that much attention. 

I was so reluctant to post that picture because I think I look disgusting but it can't be that bad or it wouldn't be getting that much attention.  I don't like to think of myself as having body image issues but I clearly do.  Honestly I think most women do.  Our society sucks!  I am not fat...I am fairly tiny.  Am I in the best shape of my life, no, but I am not disgusting...now just to make my brain believe that.