I don't like you like that!

Ugh!  Why people gotta make $hit complicated.  I am not complex.  If we click we friends.  I am capable of being friends with people of all varieties.   I don't care what you look like, your gender, your sexual preferences, etc.  If we click we click dammit!

And just because we click doesn't mean it has to be sexual!!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!!!  Can I just tell you how many guy friends I've lost because they either can't look past the sexual attraction aspect OR their sig others are like "oh nah ah you can't be friends with a female!"  I am not like that.  Maybe I am naive but I am not gonna be like "you can't talk to your bestie because she's female."  Now if you are always texting her and not coming home, I'ma have an issue but having a bestie of the opposite sex isn't a threat to me.  

Moving on!  I have a new-ish male I consider a long distance bestie.  We've known each other maybe a year and half but we are basically the same person.  We think alike, we like the same things, and have the same dark sense of humor.  He is married, I am married...we have hung out in person a few times and we have NEVER looked at each other more than literal friends.  It's so awesome.  Like we just click.  

Anyways something changed and now I want to punch babies.  We were in person hanging out (with multiple other persons) but our spouses weren't there.  That night was stupid fun.  We laughed so much!  We were picking on each other, cracking jokes, and having an all around fun time.  We learned more about each others pasts and it was really freaking awesome!

The next day we are doing stuff and my guy FRIEND is being f**king weird.  Like weird weird.  Like he's about to jump out of his damn skin.  Bruh WTF?!?!  At one point we brushed arms in passing and he couldn't form a sentence and left the room. Like to the point that one of the other girls is like "um what's his deal?!?!"  

Later that night we go out again for dinner and he's like visibly uncomfortable.  So OF COURSE me the fixer is like pouring on the me charm like trying to make him as comfortable as possible and he seems to chill (Thank God!!!).  We start joking and talking and having fun.  After dinner he's like lets go get a drink. K cool yes.  So we think he's all good now.  

He goes to sit next to me and then like jumps up and practically runs to the seat across from me "WTAF".  So we order some beverages and try to talk but its super loud and he's across from us like a little too far to hear.  He's laughing at the rest of us because we are f**king funny when he gets a call.  He comes back in and has SHUT DOWN.  

The waitress comes back and he's like check please.  It was 7:30!!!! Ummmm what.is.happening??!?!

So we leave and me and another chick are like Da Fuq and are making jokes because that's what we do when our FRIENDS are being sticks in the mud.  Her and I end up going for more libations and he left.  But I was legit concerned I did or said something so I texted him to be like you ok and he was like yea of course we are fine! I could never be upset with you.

I AM MORE CONFUSED!!!!

The next day he's still being weird to the point where we were RAGGING on him because tell us what is wrong man!!!! Now granted when we parted ways he gave me the sweetest hug and was texting all of us later that night.  

For a few days communication was super weird.  Like he didn't know how to act with me and I was like OMG please dont do this!!! I don't want to lose another "friend" because you think I was hitting on you or am gonna try & sleep with you or you think you like me more than you should or something. 

Then suddenly all seems to be fine...I think.  But WTAF happened ?!!!?!?  Did he get inside his own head??!?!  Was he overthinking something we said or did!?!?!?  I try not to be an overthinker but like curiosity is killing me!!!  

I'm not gonna ask because he'll probably get weird again but like AHHHHHHHHHHH!

**UPDATE** I told my BFF (since we were like 5) the story and she thinks he either was overthinking how close we got or his sig other was like "who dis Bish?!?!"  Or I was "safe" until we were in person.  Like I am the long distance chick who is zero threat bc she's 1000 miles away and when we were in person he (or his sig other) got spooked since we didn't have 1000 miles between us.  I mean we have hung out in person before soooo.... I have no idea but I hope he's over it because I miss my friend!!!!!

I fail at flirting

So, I played third wheel the other night with my bestie and her beau.  I wasn't driving so I partook in some libations.  Maybe more than some.  Okay maybe more than my little body should.  Alright, I got little pieyied (sp?). 

I had three 20 oz Oktoberfest beers...THREE!  That is 60 ounces of beer... I am not that big.  Anyways, when getting my last beer the following occurred between me and the guy serving me.

Guy: You should come back
Me: I am next weekend
Guy: No sooner
Me: 

Guy: *laughing* Like, before we close 

Me: 

Guy: How about 20 min, here?

Me:

No, Married

Guy: 

What's your name?

Me: 

Married

Guy: Well this is on the house, "Married". Be here in 20 min and we'll pretend you're not.

Me: 

Guy: *yelling* 20 minutes baby girl!

OMG Really?!?!!?

And no I did NOT return. 

It seriously took me way too long to realize he was hitting on me!  I mean I'm, uh, flattered but take the 'No' for an answer dude.  My rings were plain as day...just...thanks but stop.

I think I woke up in a romantic comedy

You know the movies.  The ones that give a skewed view of how relationships actually happen. They almost never happen the way they are depicted in movies. The below totally could have happened in one of those movies and the two people would live happily ever after or some bull$hit like that. 

Obviously I am NOT on the market.  I am not looking for love.  I already found it and am very happy.  But because of my bubbly personality sometimes people end up having a crush on me.  I unintentionally flirt, I guess.  I mean I don't think it is flirting but my over the top friendliness is sometimes misread.  I am really not trying to be cocky...it happens.  Sometimes its harmless and fades away after a short time.  Other times (rarely) it lingers and makes all parties uncomfortable.  It is really hard for me when this happens because while trying to maintain an air of professionalism, I have to PRETEND the guy I speak to/see all the time DOESN'T have a crush on me.  This has been going on for over a year people!

Anyways, it came to head *hahahaha* the other day.  I was assisting with an issue over the phone.  It was a minor thing but very time consuming for my contact(s).  I offered to create something custom and send for approval.  See PROFESSIONAL!  Anyways after I created said custom thing I got a call. 

Me: This is NOLAGurl.  How can I help you?
Person: Hey!!!!!
Me: *crap who is this* Hi!
Person: You are so awesome!!!
Me: Oh hello, um thanks. (I realized who it was)
Person: *asks technical questions about the thing*
Me: *answers technical questions about the thing*
Person: *very giddy* This will solve so many issues and answer so many questions!!!
Me: Well glad I could help.
Person:  I will let you know once it is approved
Me: Wonderful, just reply to my email so I have it in "writing"
Person: Will do!!! Have a nice day!!!
Me: You too!
Person: Bye, love you
Me: ..............
Person: ...............*crickets* *shallow breathing*
Me: *WTF, did I hear that right?!?!!?* K, Uhhhh, bye

I hung up so fast I think I broke the receiver.

I feel bad...it was a total slip and he is probably mortified.  I am embarrassed for him! I mean I would be wanting to crawl under a rock right now...but not everyone is like my basket case self...he may be just fine.   I haven't spoken to him since but I've gotten emails so that's good, I guess. 

This would totally be in a movie...except the me part wouldn't be married and there would be all this hilarious tension because neither would make a move and then that would be said and everything would miraculously change.  See ROMANTIC COMEDY!

You are a disgusting human being!

Ya know you think you know someone and then BAM they surprise you with something...some weird habit that is borderline UNFORGIVABLE!

I can deal with most bad habits.  I had roommates in college and spent time at boyfriend's houses back in the day...hell I lived with one a few years back (he had some strange habits).  So I've seen my fair share of "Ewwwww, don't...just ewwwwww!" moments.  Let me clarify that I am by no means perfect.  I have my own set of weird but my weird does not usually affect anyone but me.  Okay so sometimes I leave a tissue on the couch (in my "spot") or under MY pillow.  I pick it up...eventually.  Or I don't finish my bottled drinks.  As in, I'll have 5 bottles of coke/water/tea with about an inch left in the bottom in random places. 

Anyways, today I am thoroughly grossed out.  I mean, I can't...I can't even deal.  Sooooo the other night I was home alone.  I decided I wanted some wings and breadsticks.  Yes, an odd craving but this is me.  So I ordered me some Pizza Hut because they deliver and I was being quite lazy.  Once my food was delivered (25 minutes later than the estimated time *grrrrr*) I dug in while watching some DVR'd episodes of The Newsroom (I love that show!).  Did I mention they messed up my order but totally in my favor?  I ordered 8 wings and breadsticks.  I received 16 wings, waffle fries and breadsticks but was only charged for what I ordered...I think that makes up for it being a little late.

Moving on.  As I was enjoying my wings I apparently decided to breathe...while I had a mouthful of food.  I do not recommend doing this...it is a very bad idea.  So I started choking.  The food came out but I couldn't catch my breath because of the spice from the chicken.  So what do you naturally want...you want something to drink.  Or at least I do in this case.  So I grabbed the closest thing to me which happened to be a coke bottle from a previous day.  I assumed it was mine because there was about 2 inches left in the bottom (that is a me move).   It was flat (yay, no really yay, better for not choking more) so I took a huge swig. Then I immediately projectile vomited what I had eaten so far (thankfully into the plastic bag my food came in). 

You must be thinking, "what in the world could have made you do that?!?!  I mean it's just flat coke for god's sake."  No, no it wasn't just flat coke!!!!  After I calmed down I felt SOMETHING in my mouth.  Something kind of hard, almost like a small piece of plastic.  First thought, oh part of the coke bottle must have broken off, because you know that happens all the time.  In reality I was in denial.  You see it was FINGERNAILS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  *gagging just thinking about it*  There aren't enough exclamation points to illustrate my freakout.  Apparently my AMAZING spouse either clipped or bit off some nails recently and instead of getting up and throwing them in the trash can he put them in the almost empty coke bottle sitting on the coffee table.  If that wasn't bad enough, he then left said CONTAMINATED coke bottle on the table for his unsuspecting wife to accidentally drink.  His mother would be so proud!

Even though I yacked them up, I can still FEEL it in my esophagus.  I think its my brain being weird but what if one got stuck...OMG!  Can you imagine???  What if it got infected...  "hey man, how'd your wife get so sick?" "Oh she drank my fingernails." "Whaaaaaaat kind of weird shit do y'all get up to.........."

Lesson of the day, don't drink from bottles left on the table, even if you think they are yours.

Hey Doc, it hurts when I move...

...well dear, don't move. *face palm*

Easier said than done.  In case you were wondering it is nearly impossible to NOT use your abdominal muscles.  I mean you can try to be a human blob but EVERYTHING requires your core...including breathing (and peeing)!

So I had this thing done to help with other things...and now I am wondering what the F**K I was thinking because now I am in a constant state of OOOOWWWWW.   

It's been almost a week.  I was told to "take it easy" for a few days, don't use the abs but then I could go back to most of my routine just no heavy lifting or sexy time.  Ooooookkkkkaaaaayyyyy, easy peasy right...WRONG! So, so wrong and people just don't seem to understand my issues.

1.  I look like death.  I am pale and bruised.  Pale because God only knows.  Bruised from all the flipping needles.  Shots, IVs, taking blood (TWICE)...take your pick. 

2.  Every movement requires conscious thought.  I rolled on my side in my sleep the other night and woke myself up moaning in pain.  

3.  The doc only said a few days with limited activity so no one seems sympathetic to my whole moving hurts mantra...or the if you touch me I will punch you then writhe in pain because punching requires ab use.  Yes a few days to be a blob but the recovery is 4-6 weeks!!!  So get that through your head people, I may be moving but I am not okay.  I am very, very far from okay. 

4.  My insides feel like they were scrapped with a dull blade.  Because they WERE!  Okay maybe not a dull blade...maybe a laser BUT it still effing hurts, okay?!?!

5.  I coughed yesterday and thought I was going to die.  I was like this is it, I am going to rupture something because I have a tickle in my throat.  Goodbye cruel world. 

6.  Today I sneezed and I thought my uterus came out of my belly button.  Hmmm that can't be normal. Oh well, lets take another pain pill *manic laughter*.

7.  3 days after it I needed a shower (and was allowed to take one), "cat baths" weren't working.   I had no help.  I got the "well what do you want me to do bathe you?" Um actually yes that would be great seeing as MOVING effing hurts!  Whatever, what doesn't kill me makes me stronger and also makes me want to nut punch you so you are in an equal amount of pain.

8.  5 days after the thing I had a sharp pain.  Like I was stabbed, repeatedly in the same spot.  Sitting, I was good.  Standing, laying flat and breathing, FML.  I burst into tears because I just didn't want to hurt anymore.  Do you know what I got...ZERO sympathy.  I mean absolutely none.  I got a "you should be extra careful driving to work".  Um what?  "If it gets worse call the doctor".  Well DUH!  Can't I get a little sympathy?!?!  I am not a needy person but a "there, there" would have been AMAZING!  By the way, it is trapped air.  Not gas...air trapped in my abdomen that has no where to go.  I have to wait for my body to "re-absorb" it...YAY :P

9.  Ya know what, F**k all you people.  God help me if I need a c-section for any future kids...I may have to ask my mom to move in until I am recovered.  She seems to be the only one that "gets it".
      a. If I hear one more, "what do you mean walking is uncomfortable" or "its just walking, how 
         bad can it be?" I may go postal.  This is not my hubs by the way.

10.  My poor animals are so confused.  They don't understand why mommy wont let them near her.  I mean, I go all ninja on them if one even looks like they may want to touch me, which by the way requires a quick motion and usually ends with my writhing in pain. The little cat wanted to play the night of the thing and decided the best way to get my attention was to bonsai off the back of the couch onto my stomach.  To say I screamed is an understatement.  She ran and I didn't see her again for almost two days.  Now they both carefully touch me to let me know they want to cuddle.  Smart little boogers. 

Anyway, the thing is I blame the peeps that spoke to my "caregiver" after the thing.  I was out of it...I remember very little.  They were great, don't get me wrong, I just don't think they quite explained what was going to happen very well.  Yes, I needed to lay low for a few days and he got that but for weeks after I was going to be recovering.  Meaning I can't do what I normally do.  Not just "heavy lifting" and no "sexy time".  It should have been more, "trust your body.  If it feels wrong, don't do it."  Which I swear I heard someone say but I can't recall.  I really can't be active...my insides are still healing and I am constantly exhausted.   If I do too much too fast, I'll be worse for wear.  So yes, that includes cutting up a veggie and putting it in the microwave.  It hurt a$$hole.  I am not being whiny!  Using my abs hurts and unfortunately that includes almost everything at the moment, including BREATHING. 

P.S. Thank God I have a semi high tolerance for pain.  I'd be drugged 24/7 otherwise. 

Hello, my name is Filet Mignon

Well that's what I feel like anyway.  Seriously, I used to think that some women blew the whole "men are pigs" thing out of proportion, as in overly reading into their actions, but now I am not so sure.  Let me clarify, I am not talking about the ones that are obviously a threat to a female.  I am talking about getting mad because someone innocently said they looked pretty.  Anyway, I know there are many good men out there but there also seems to be an equal amount of not so good ones.  They aren't bad as in I fear my safety but some just give me the heebie jebbies.

This morning a guy growled at me.  Honest to god.  He looked me up and down and made a guttural sound that reminded me of a noise my dogs make.  I've read books and "stories" where they author says something along the lines of "he growled in anticipation".  Since I've never experienced this, I find this statement a bit funny.  My husband is apparently not a "growler", well when he is being silly but that is totally different.  I get that it is supposed to be an animalistic response to the female doing something extremely sexy but saying he "growled" makes me giggle. 

Moving on.  The fact that this person growled at me, really creeped me out.  I felt about 2" tall and almost threatened.  Not truly feeling in danger because I know him, well sort of, we aren't that close (which something can be said about that) but the look was devouring and the sound predatory, at least to my eyes and ears.  Plus I feel like that was an intimate gesture, as in an acknowledgment of other things to happen.  If it was my husband, I would have thought next he'll say "bedroom, now" or something of that nature.  My point is its been a long time since I felt like nothing more than a piece of meat and exposed.  I gave a nervous laugh/smile and inched my way around him trying to have an air of confidence, rather than show how uncomfortable I felt.   He came found me a bit later and said he just wanted to let me know I looked nice today, which is very sweet and none of the previous "look" was there.

I just hate that he thought that initial response was okay or welcomed.  Yes, I appreciate being told I look nice or whatever but there are lines that should not be crossed and I feel like one was crossed today.  If it had been a stranger, I would have been in fight or flight mode, thinking I would need to defend myself.  Honestly, it was like a scene from a lifetime movie.  No one around, girl looks delicious, guy thinks I want & I shall have and then things go all wonky. 

I am by no means a supermodel.  I am cute and quirky.  As in, I know I am attractive but I don't expect to trigger that kind of response based on my business attire.  Not that a response of that nature should EVER be issued by someone other than your significant other!

Tonight we gonna pawty like it's 1999!

Is this really happening? No Way!

OK so why am I so giddy you may ask. Well because a few entries back I was annoyed with my living situation. Well good news people, come September 14th I WILL BE RID OF HIM! That's right my 'roommate' is moving...and not just to another house/apt/city....he's moving OUT OF STATE! *Doing the happy dance*.

What sparked this??? You See in July Younger Guy came pick me up from the house and all hell broke loose. My roomie FREAKED out and thought I was so inconsiderate for having someone pick me up. He didn't even come in or knocked...just pulled up, called me and I went out. About a week later roomie comes home and says "that company in TX wants me to come for an interview." I was like, cool. So he interviews, takes the job and says ok they want me to start in September. Okee Dokee!

Well being the douche that he is, that meant I needed to drop EVERYTHING I had planned for the next month and a half and help him make the repairs on the house that should have been done over a year ago!!!!!! As you may imagine that did not sit well with me and I flipped out a bit and he retracted his request. I mean come on....August is my boyfriends, 3 of my best friends and my brother's b-days AND my High School reunion...sorry buddy I'm kinda booked...but I'll help when I can.

Well then he says (at the beginning of August) "Don't pay me for your half of the bills this month...use that for Landscaping". Um really...during the HEIGHT of hurricane season, you want me to spend mucho moola and landscape....so I bought the supplies but I am not landscaping until I know a storm isn't going to form and destroy my work (and money :P).

Well now that it's getting closer he is getting more and more remorseful. He seems excited about this new opportunity but he keeps making random statements. Things like, "It's going to be weird...I mean I have lived with you for the past 6 years". Which yes, I agree it will be a little strange BUT I lived with my 2 best friends for 4.5 years and then moved out by myself when we graduated and although it was strange I was A-OK. Granted this is a little differnt but we have been broken up and living seperate lives for 1.5 years now so I think the transition...at least for me will be smooth. He's said other things but none as memorable as that one :P. So THANK GOD I will be out of town the weekend he moves out because I don't want to be a part of that Drama/pent up emotion when reality hits him and he realizes he had a knee jerk reaction to my boyfriend being "real" and is now on his way to TX where he has no friends or family. Just the 'friend' he made at a training session who will now be his boss. I ain't worried about him, seems like a legit company and he's getting paid more (which evidently is all that matters to him) so he wont be back. I just hope I get the $$$ so I can finish the house and move on with my life!

Fresh Meat!

That just sounds wrong doesn't it?

Well it's true. I've started talking to a couple more guys, hehehe.

New Guy Number 1:
He is from down the bayou. Met him on social network site. Accidentally ran into him in person after we started talking while going to lunch. Then went on real lunch date Saturday.

Pluses:
- Tall :D HAHAHA
- Smart
- Funny
- Kinda cute
- Loves LSU
- Gets my humor
- Likes Animals

Minuses:
- From down the bayou ;) haha jk
- He smokes (when drinking)
- Wears braces (but having jaw surgery soon to fix under bite)
- Works for same company as my Ex
- Says inappropriate things (very sexual content)

He's a very nice guy. I'd have to talk to him a little more to get a better vibe. But he kinda talks funny. It's because of the jaw issue so I try to look past it bc he is in the process of fixing it and that's superficial, right :P. I have a dirty mind as well so its hard to judge someone on that but I usually keep mine hidden at least until the second date, haha.

New Guy Number 2:
Met him on social network site. Just started talking. He's from BR. I haven't met him yet soooo I only have phone conversation and pics to go by.

Pluses:
- Average height (about 5'9")
- Looks sexy in pics
- Athletic (Plays soccer)
- Smart
- Loves LSU
- Large family
- He's a twin (:-) haha)

Minuses:
- He's a twin (if you know my friends you get this hahaha)
- He's a little younger than me
- He lives in BR

He's not ridiculously younger than me... only a few months older than my lil bro so it's kinda weird. But age is just a number, right? :P I guess I will have to talk to him a little more so I can get a better vibe, haha.