$1,000 Brick with a side of heart attack....

So you don't know millennial fear until you are backing up your phone to your computer when it tries to suddenly do a software update and THEN your dog yanks the cable out.

It was like the trifecta of f**ked up!!!!  My 'lifeline' to the world was stuck in "restore to factory settings"...

 

Thank God, the backup finished but WTF man?!!?!  Every time I tried to complete the update, it said it couldn't connect to the phone. EEEEEEEEEE!

B**ch was a freaking brick...

It took me 45 min of playing Genius Bar to fix it. 

thank you for giving me enough knowhow to figure it out. 

Finally after force quitting and restarting and doing a naked rain dance it began to update and verify software. 

It FINALLY finished!!!

After a painful 10 minutes of it sitting with less than 10% left I finally took a deep breath and unplugged it. 

I need a freaking Xanax and a shot of tequila. 

Talk about 1st World Problems!!!!

In today's issue of What the f**k is happening....

I saw this:

Link

So let me get this straight.  You created an ad that, like a pregnancy test, can tell if you are pregnant.  Therefore revealing a coupon for a crib.  Okay.  Right.  There has got to be a better way to do this!!!!!  Because after pissing on this you have to bring it to the store to use the coupon.  I'd hate to be the cashier getting handed a bunch of pee soaked coupons.  Just the levels of gross.  Y'all!!!! I know its only in Sweden now but...ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.  Do y'all hate your employees?!!?!?

A close second WTF was this (not gross):

Is this for real?!?!?!  First of all those are two very conflicting things.  Frozen vs Hot....we are talking opposites here.  Did you miss that day in kindergarten???

This exists...the word you were looking for is Milkshake.  Or McFlurry, Frosty, DQBlizzard, etc.  Just make it with Chocolate ICE CREAM or chocolate syrup or whatever!

I'm becoming an Alchemist...maybe...not really...

What is Alchemy?

The medieval forerunner of chemistry, based on the supposed transformation of matter. 

It was concerned particularly with attempts to convert base metals 

into gold or to find a universal elixir.

But what do I think of when I hear (or think of) Alchemy?  I think of Mistborn.  Yes, I read that series...yes I will be reading the follow up series...I LOVED the books.  Vin is my superhero.   With that said maybe I am thinking I am becoming a Mistborn but with essential oils...hmmm. 

What brought this thought process on?  Well I was reading an article about essential, essential oils (hehehe).  Now I just started really dabbling with oils.  Mainly because I have weird skin and have noticed when I use more natural products my skin behaves.  Also gardening...I hate using pesticides but I would like to harvest my veggies BEFORE the bugs feast on them.  Well I learned, with A LOT of research, that essential oils can help with that.  

So I started small, using Tea Tree Oil (Melaleuca) to make my own cleaner.  It smells medicinal but you get used to it and now I associate the smell with clean (psychology).  Then I learned it can be used as a bug deterrent (be careful, if you spray too much or don't dilute it right, the sun will react with the oil and burn your plants).  I used it for the first time last year on my plants and had the best harvest ever!  It kept away most of the creepy crawlers that damage the garden but I had to be careful not to overuse because then the good bugs go away and you get no harvest.  It saved my plants from spider mites (those things are EVIL) and stink bugs (a pet of the dark lord).   Just remember with Tea Tree Oil you not only have to make sure you dilute it properly for your own safety BUT if you have pets, they should NOT ingest it.  So just be cautious.  

Anyway, back to my point.  Alchemy or Mistborn...I am taking something that occurs in nature to help with ailments, etc and mixing it with other oils and substances.  A Mistborn (Alchemist) "burns" metals to basically give themselves super powers...same thing right?  Hahaha.  I mean if I suddenly can leap tall buildings because I use/ingest a specific essential oil that would be awesome (highly unlikely but awesome).  Alchemy (the "real" thing) combines metals and other substances (like in Chemistry) to "create" NEW substances.  If I mix two oils, I get a new product (sort of) with different medicinal or cleaning properties than just each individual oil.  I mean they are still Lavender and Tea Tree or whatever (not a new substance all together) but something in my brain is making this connection and I feel unusually powerful for some reason.  

Or maybe I am reading too much Science Fiction/Fantasy.  But honestly, is there really such a thing as too much Sci-Fi/Fantasy...? 

Now I want to become a hermit, dig a moat, electrify said moat and get a pet tiger

I just read an article "Things a burglar wont tell you".  I was thinking "yay tips on how to better safeguard my house" but...now...I am...seriously do people really do some of these?!!?!?!?  I think it should be more aptly titled "quit making yourself a target" or "how to scare people into being responsible homeowners" or "live in fear of those who shall rob you".  I did not come up with this list.  It is at the link listed above but I feel like I should comment on some things.  Also, it lists all this stuff you shouldn't do but doesn't really give you solutions.  Its like don't put your shit in one place...ok so where is the best place.  But I guess if they put that there, then the would be thieves would know and then it wouldn't work.

1.) "Even if you are home, I'll still try to break in" - great...I mean I knew this.  Someone did try to kick my door in while I was watching TV in my living room.  But reading it just makes me paranoid.

2.) "You might have noticed a strange vehicle driving around your neighborhood lately."- Um you see this you CALL THE COPS!  You don't say "oh maybe they are lost".  If you have a gut feeling they are up to no good, you be a good citizen and REPORT IT!  Don't go willy nilly, the cops do need to be crime fighting or whatever BUT at the very least they may send extra patrols to your 'hood. 

3.) "You might recognize me. I was at your house before, making a delivery or asking for directions." - Sooooooo, what should I never order takeout again for fear that the cute young man who showed up at my door may try to rob me blind?!?!  Seriously the only point to this point is to elicit fear.  You cannot control who comes to your door...well in the case of takeout you can but aside from that.

4.) "Thanks for letting me into your home to use your telephone or bathroom. I got a good view of the place, and I unlocked a window while I was in there." - Do people still do this?!?  I let no one into my home.  If they ask to use the phone I bring it outside to them.  If they ask to use the bathroom I apologize and say no but direct them to the convenience store a few blocks away.  The only strangers I ALMOST allowed in were Jehovah's Witnesses and honestly I was messing with them (I am totally going to hell for this).  They asked if I had a minute to talk about *insert something about God/Jesus*.  To which I replied sure, as long as I can talk to you about the dark lord (I was speaking of Voldemort by the way).  Apparently they are not Harry Potter fans.  What's funny is they came back and I answered the door with Convict snarling between my legs...I have not seen them since *muahahahaha*.

5.) "Your alarm company made it easier for me to see whether the system is activated or not by installing the control panel in plain sight." - I'm sorry what?!?  Sooooo then what are we supposed to do to remedy this????  Where do we put it?

6.) "I'm glad you didn't bother setting the alarm while you made a quick trip to the store. I only need about 15 minutes anyway." - This is just dumb!  It takes less than a minute to set the friggin alarm.  SET IT!

7.) "I'm also glad you chose a silent alarm. It won't worry the neighbors, and I should still have time to get in and out before the police arrive." - This exists outside of banks??? Why would you do that?!  Isn't the point of a home alarm to scare the $hit out of a would be burglar???

8.) "Did you really think a fake security sign in the yard would fool me? Oldest trick in the book." - Ooooook, so should you not put a sign at all...?  I mean how exactly do they know which houses have the alarm?

9.) "Maybe it wasn't the best move to choose a dog over an alarm. Fido sure seems to like the treats in my pocket." - How about both, yes both is good.  And ya know my dogs are "nice" at times but I can almost guarantee if you step foot inside you will be mauled...then the dogs will find the treats in your pocket which may end in the inability for you to have children.  Just saying.  

10.) "Thanks for not installing a motion detector light outside. Darkness makes it a lot easier to sneak inside undetected." - what if you leave the outside lights on???  Does that nullify this statement? Because I think that could be a really good "solution" to this problem.

11.) "Lucky for me, home safes usually aren't bolted down or built into walls. So I can take it with me and deal with cracking into it later." - I actually told my husband this.  Unless you plan on bolting it to the floor, it is pointless. Well it will keep important stuff safe in a fire but thats about it.

12.) "Kitchens, living rooms and master bedrooms are the first places I look for valuables. Under mattresses, inside dresser drawers and closets are where I find the jackpot." - Alright, so are you telling me to put my valuables in the toilet reservoir?  I mean I can't keep them in any major rooms or in a safe sooooo its either the toilet or in the attic.  But I don't fancy going into the attic every time I want my pearls or need a $20.  What is a solution?!?!?!

13.) "Thanks for leaving your expensive cellphone or watch in plain sight." - Its my house...where am I supposed to leave it.  

14.) "Your childrens' nice toys in the yard tip me off that there might be an expensive gaming system inside." - I've also heard this said about throwing out boxes after you buy something.  So I can't have nice things because I have to worry about attracting the wrong type of attention???  This sounds eerily like when men tell women not to dress sexy because then they are asking to be raped.  So what do I do besides try to not let people know what I buy.

15.) "Creatures of habit make the best targets. The same routine lets me know when you'll be home or away." - How do you change this?!!??  Unfortunately most of us have M-F schedules where we have to be at work and leave at the same time.  

I just...while some tips are helpful (there were others, I didn't list all of them here) many just annoyed me.  Ok so creatures of habit right.  I can't change it so now do I live in fear that I am being targeted by a crook because I have a 9-5 job???  Again, this list did little more that elicit fear because its telling you about things that make you a target but you can't really do anything to change them. 

If you are a friend of Jesus, you'll be quiet

Sing that to the tune of "if you're happy and you know it, clap your hands."  I actually used this recently with some kids I really don't know who were about to drive me up a wall.  Thankfully they were just as scared as I used to be that Jesus would think I didn't want to be his friend unless I stopped talking.  I mean, you don't want our Lord and Savior saying "*sigh* little Johnny there wouldn't stop whispering to Susie.  Guess he isn't my friend after all *sniffle*."

Seriously though,  these few words could silence an entire assembly in seconds.  Picture a sweet looking nun standing in-front of the school assembly singing that in the most lovely Spanish accent with her hands clasped in front of her.  Of course, this same sweet little nun could put the fear of God in you with just a look.  And I am not talking about a mean look.  She would look at you with a sweet smile and shining eyes and correct you.  Then you suddenly felt like the most awful child on the planet, "oh no!  Why did I do _____?!?!?".  Even if it was something as silly as using the last of the craft glitter and now no one else can make a shiny snowman.  "Dear God, I am a horrible 9 year old!"  

There were different variations also..."if you are a friend of Jesus, you'll sit down." or "if you are a friend of Jesus, you'll line up to go to lunch" or "if you are a friend of Jesus, you'll stop hitting the little girl you think is cute." Okay maybe the last two are a me being silly (or maybe not).  But I can tell you 99.99999% of the time all good little Catholic kids at my school would IMMEDIATELY stop whatever they were doing that could make them not a friend of Jesus.  It was freaking GENIUS!!! 

Anyway, apparently I learned quite a lesson from her.  When kids are misbehaving tell them Jesus wont be their friend unless they stop.  Voila, perfect little angels...muahahahaha.  My luck I will say this one day and some little $hit will be like, "good thing I worship the prince of darkness" to which I will throw salt and holy water on said child, a la Winchester style and hope I am not sued by the parents when the little booger starts sizzling. 

Do your thighs rub together?

This is a legit question because mine do.  I am petite/slender/slightly toned build and when I wear dresses/skirts it is annoying.  I honestly think most peoples thighs rub together regardless of how "small" you are. 

The only solution I could figure out for years was wear those bike shorts looking things (or Spanx) under dresses/skirts to put a piece of material in between and keep the friction down.  But I don't really like the feeling of having an extra garment under what I am wearing.  Its freaking HOT where I live and I don't fancy having a sweaty, um, bottom area just because I don't like my skin to rub together.  Also no matter how hard you try you will always see that line across your tummy area showing you have shorts on.  Oh yea AND if you wear short(er) items you can see the shorts so you have to be careful how you bend and move.  It can be very annoying, that and my husband hates when I wear shorts.  He likes to be well a guy and run his hand up my leg and I guess its a bit of a turn off when he hits shorts instead of my bare bum.  I've explained it to him and he seems to get it but I can see where he is coming from also.   How can I deny him since he actually likes my badonkadonk, ha!

I tried using a bit of baby powder but 1) it gets on everything no matter how careful you are and 2) it wears off fairly quickly, especially in this heat.  I always put lotion on but it doesn't stop the irritating rub, at least not for long.  Argh, so annoying! Well a few months back I was cleaning out my lotion drawer, yes I have a drawer dedicated to lotions, powders, and such.  When I came across a stick of Friction Block.  I totally forgot I had this.  I bought it when I started running and exercising more to reduce the blisters on my ankles. It worked much better than band-aids which had a tendency to peel off rather easily.  As I was looking at it I had the most amazing revelation.  "If it reduced the friction between my shoes and ankles then surely it would reduce friction in other places, right?!?!?"  So the next time I wore a dress I put some on my inner thighs.  It totally worked! It felt weird at first but it lasts ALL day even is you get, uh, sweaty.  I mean that is what it is made for, to use during exercise so it is perfect for between the thigh rub.  

It is so easy to use.  It is like a mini deodorant stick so it is easy to apply, easy to pack, it is just easy.  It has no scent and you use very little so it lasts a while.  I may not be the first person to realize this as a use for this product BUT it is new to me so I am sharing!

It is like $5-$6 or so (maybe less if you shop around). I found mine completely by accident at the Dollar Store.  Seriously one of the best $1s I've spent.  I would spend $10 on it.  It is so worth it, especially if you are like me and don't like wearing extra layers under dresses in this summer heat!  It probably works well for nip rub too.  I don't have that issue but I know many guys do (runners/bikers).  Or if you would like to reduce blisters on your tootsies.  I mean it works well for that also, haha.