Well that gives a whole other meaning to "licking p***y"

Why is this a thing?!?! Who wants to for real lick a cat?!?!  Do you want hairballs because that is how you get hairballs!  Yea yea yea this isn't really "licking" it but STILL.

I love my cats but come on!!!  It's hard enough to brush my cats...I can't imagine if I held them like a baby and tried to "lick" them with a GIANT rubber tongue!!!!!! My cats would literally rip my face off.  Not exaggerating...they would both use their back claws until I no longer had features and then they'd try to eat me because that's what @$$hole cats do when they love you. 

Sorry its weird!  If I buy one of these it will be 1000% a joke and it would be so hilarious we would all pittle a bit from laughing so dang much.  JFC just don't do this...please...because I will judge you and I'm not that judgy...for the love of all that is holy do not lick your cat!  Its like the first sign of the End of Days. 

God: Darn, it is actually happening
Angels: What Father?
God: *sigh* Humans have started tongue grooming their pets....time to for another flood...or fire...or plague
Angels: And so it shall be done *turns all felines into super villains*
Humans: Dammit fluffy let me love you!
Fluffy:  F**k you Linda, it's our turn to rule the world
*Human sacrifice*
*dogs and cats living together* 
*mass hysteria*
Fluffy: Where is my catnip, slave!?!! *slashes throat with a single claw*
*fin*

UPDATE - OMG Someone in the comments said "a sign of the Apocalypse", see its not just me!!!!!

Okay this is taking their little "spat" to a whole new level...

That's just horrible...

....when you first read it.  I can't be the only one that read it like that.  Right?!?!!?  It should read "Chris Evan, Robert Downey Jr. surprise 'Captain America' fan who has cancer".  Otherwise it sounds like Civil War went way overboard just to give some poor kid cancer.  I mean come on Cap, don't be like that "*whispers* Hail Hydra". 

It is actually a very sweet story *sniffle* but I still can't get past the fact that the headline sounds like Captain America and Iron Man gave a kid cancer!

Sorry...sorry...NOT SORRY.  Peace, I'm going work so I can leave to go run and......EAT FESTIVAL FOOD (of the Mediterranean descent) ...and beer...and wine...mmmmmm...

Don't drive in a tornado or tornado like weather...its a bad idea...just don't do it!

Okay so we all know this right?  I mean I know this.  The problem is when you don't know how bad the weather is gonna be and you are already driving. 

So I met some friends in from out of town for drinks.  I knew bad weather was coming in overnight but not till after midnight, so I could leave by 10PM and be fine, right?  WRONG!

Right at 10 I started getting alerts on my phone, hmmmm odd.  Then I got a text from my mom...then from my hubs...then from my Godmother all about the impending weather...Uh oh, what is going on?!?  I pull up the weather map and there is a solid wall of red about 70 miles WNW of my house...should be at my house in 45 min - 1hour.  CRAP! Takes me 20 min to get home... Must leave NOW.  As if on cue a bolt of lightening so bright it lit up the entire area streaked across the sky, followed a bit after by a crash of thunder so loud it literally shook the building.  We were on the 2nd floor...it was f**king scary. 

Okay, I must leave 10 minutes ago.  I tried to rush our waitress but she was petrified and took FOREVER with my check.  Those precious minutes are gonna bite me in the @$$ aren't they..?

So I FINALLY left.  Minimal rain and wind but the light show that was happening...have you seen War of the Worlds?  That's what was f**king going on!

I was doing good.  At the rate I was going I should make it home WELL before the worst of it hits.  And then you factor in other drivers who are MORONS! So apparently what you are supposed to do in a lightening storm (little rain/wind) is slow down to a crawl while driving across a waterway and STARE at the f**king insanity happening all around you. 

NOOOOOOOOOOOO!  That isn't what you do.  You f**king drive because you don't want to be on the god blessed road when the bottom falls out!!!!!!!!!

So that was what happened.  I was half way across the bridge when Armageddon occurred.   The rain started coming down harder and harder.  The wind kicked up a bit but it was manageable.  We were all going maybe 40 MPH with flashers on.  You couldn't see much except when the lightening lit everything up.  This was 100% unnerving because we were over WATER and couldn't see $hit! 

Then it happened.  My phone went bat$hit crazy.  The radio went bat$hit crazy.  There were Emergency Alerts coming from basically everywhere.  Seek shelter NOW!  Where am I gonna find shelter I am on a f**king bridge?!?!!?

Before the reality of the situation could sink in a solid wall of white...water...rain...something...came CRASHING over the bridge from my left. I didn't hit the brakes, I just took my foot off the gas, I am fairly certain I screamed like a crazy person, and I prayed to anyone listening.  The wind was insane, the rain was insane, my car went from the left lane to the right lane....and then it was mostly over.  WTF?!?!!?  All the cars around me were stopped.  We all slowly started going again...before I knew it we were all going about 70 *f**k this $hit* MPH to get off the damn bridge. 

Clearly I am alive and made it home safely.  I can't believe I drove in that.  After the debacle at the restaurant I should have just stayed at my friend's house until after midnight. 

Lesson - Weather forecasts are just guesses...they have a 50/50 shot of getting it right.  This was moving WAY faster than they thought...I should have known better and just stayed put.

Do you want a Robot Apocolypse because that's how you get a Robot Apocalypse!

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!  Can you imagine? 

Mom: Hey Little Johnny this is Mickey Mouse!  No wait no flas...CRAP!
Mickey: *shorting out* *sparks flying* Kill all humans!  Die die die! He-heh *Mickey Laugh*

Oh and by the way...SIMPSON'S DID IT! 

It was broad daylight! They don't like DAYLIGHT!!!!! They are the vampires of the bug kingdom!!!!

That is my ONLY comfort when it comes to a bug who shall not be named!  If it is Daytime you will not see them.  Well unless you pick up a rock or dig into a shadowy place...then you are just asking for one to fly at your face.

I home defense my house annually and usually don't have issues inside.  We treat the grass and gardens with  bug be gone pellets or whatever and water them in.  This usually keeps most creepy crawlers away.

In my quest to murder the shrubbery I discovered something.  Well I discovered a few things but I discovered something that made me look like a COMPLETE lunatic (like climbing a tree with sharp objects made me look normal)!  I was hacking away at the bushes near my front door when I heard a noise.  It sounded like dead leaves falling so I ignored it...I mean I was trimming a lot that is to be expected.

I heard it again as I walked away...hmmmm...maybe a bird...  I decided to investigate (BAD IDEA).  As I parted the branches about 20 (I may be exaggerating slightly) bugs who shall not be named came running and FLYING out.  F**k me sideways!!!!!! *runs away screaming like I am being murdered*.  "OMG they are on me! I know they are on me!!!!"

Sooooo none were on me *whew* but they seemed to have disappeared *gulp*.  Are they back in the bush!?!?  Did they find a crack and go in the house?!?!  Are they laying in wait to ambush me?!?!?  HELLLLLLP!  I threw my shears at the bush (shut up it was the ONLY option).  Nothing came out "f**k".  I went inside to get bug spray.  Speedy attacked my back...all I could picture was...

I practically ripped off my shirt...nothing was there...*whew*  Alright, lets do this!

I walked out the door and heard *flutter, flutter* by my ear..."Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!" I've never run so fast in my life!  I was in the street before I knew it! I found ONE.  Of the numerous ones that scurried off into the sunset, I located ONE.  I decided it would die.  So I crept up real close (and by close I mean about 5 ft...ya know the distance of the spray) but before I could spray it, it took flight...

So I sprayed blindly into the air...covering myself and my car in RAID! But I managed to get some on the creature which promptly dropped to the ground at my feet.

I sprayed it again for good measure.  *sniff, sniff* Excuse me I need to go hose poison off of myself...and get a glass of wine...and maybe a Xanax...I am soooooooooooo done!

I don't know where the rest went but I killed one so I feel victorious...until another one makes an appearance inside my house...then I will go cry in a corner. 

P.S.  I also doused that bush in RAID! so I mean it may die but its a necessary sacrifice in the name of ridding the world of bugs who shall not be named.

I've heard of The Giving Tree but not The Cursing Tree.....?

Its Spring...Summer...almost summer....feels like f**king Summer, anyways its the time of year where I go outside and play in my yard.  Since I am adult this does not consist of me playing Cops & Robbers or riding my bike to the corner.  It means I do gardening...like everyday. 

Yesterday after the torrential downpour (yay humidity) I went outside to murder the overgrown shrubberies in the garden. 

SIDE NOTE - Y'all don't understand.  These things are out of control.  They started off as these cute little shrubs that I kept small.  Then we flooded and weren't there for 6+ months and they became MONSTERS!!!!  We've tried cutting them back but they just keep getting bigger.  Send Help!!!!

I used my handy dandy step ladder because I am a mini person to hack away as much shrubbery as possible.  There is this one...its a holly tree thing that is supposed to be round but occasionally these giant shoots come out of the top.  One is so tall and thick (that's what she said *hahaha*) that I would need a regular ladder & saw to, uh, nip the tip.  Since I am lazy and didn't want to go get the ladder I decided to relive my childhood. 

I sure did Monkey my way up a crape myrtle with a hand saw and garden shears. Because you know climbing a tree is TOTALLY safe...add sharp objects...what could go wrong?  Well since its Spring/Summer everything is in full bloom and bushy.  Meaning once I was up in the tree I was a f**king ninja.  It also meant that as I not so subtly talked *grumbled* to myself people didn't know where the voice was coming from. 

In all fairness I really did do good.  I was wedged in the tree but safely and had the perfect angle to slice & dice.   What I forgot was I was slicing and dicing a f**king Holly Tree.  Do you know what that is?

It is essentially a prickly...prick that is full of sap.  So as I lopped of large branches they fell every which way...usually MY WAY.  I was being pelted with thorn like leaves and was COVERED in sap *ewwwwwwwwwwww*. 

I was so sticky (and scratched up) that my hands were stuck to the yard tools and I had random pieces of nature stuck all over me.  Which included but is not limited to leaves, dirt, & bugs *wah*.  When I was done I tried to drop the shears but they were practically GLUED to my hands (reason number 3 why I should wear gloves) so I started cursing like a f**king sailor.  They finally fell to the ground and I cheered with success "Whoohoo!" and then I heard the laughing, "WTF?"  So I peeked out of the tree.  My NEW neighbor whom I haven't officially met yet is across the street cracking up.  When I poked my head out he basically fell over laughing.  Me: *confused* "what...?" He said *with mirth* "I couldn't see you up there and all I heard was cursing *raised eyebrow* and the tree was shaking like crazy!  I was like 'why is that tree so angry and should I be concerned?'."  At that point I hadn't realized two things.  One, how high up I was and two, that I was basically incognito. 

Time for a long over due intro (no handshakes, lest I stick to him too) so I walked across the street and realized how funny it really was.  He basically saw this shaking and heard colorful profanity.

You see that little gray/beige thing in the tree?  Here let me "zoom in".

That is me but I blended fairly well into the scene so he couldn't see me.  Apparently he found this very funny.  So funny that when his friend...roommate...husband...person came home he told him the story as they were leaving.  I was still outside murdering other shrubs and I waved a polite hello.  I'm sure I looked a sight!  I was covered in sap and nature.  My hair was frizzy (f**king humidity) and sticking out everywhere.  I was sweaty and I was wearing REALLY old loose fitting capri pants and a bleach stained tank top.  HOT MESS!


So that is how the legend of The Cursing Tree began.  I should write a book *hahaha*.

P.S.  yes I drew that, don't laugh.  MS Paint is limited but its super easy and quick to use. 

All I can picture is an angry Pepperpot sitting in an office trying to fit in

So I am working *booooooooooooo* but I am laughing like a fool.  I may need more coffee...or less coffee...depends on how you look at it. 

I received an email from a client and the first line says:

*EXTERNAL EMAIL: EVALUATE* 

For some weirdo reason I am thinking of a Dalek sending an email and its f**king funny!

 *type type type* *backspace* *type type type**getting aggravated*   

EX-TER-MIN-ATE!!!

I feel like mine may have started with, "Hey, hold my beer".

So I saw this on Imgur or Tumblr or Pinterest or...I don't recall which one, I just saved it.  Anyways, I saw it and just keep laughing.

Yes I saw the comments above and yes they are funny...DUCK!

First let me say, I noticed in the comments on the site I was on that some people don't know what a Birth Mark is.  A birth mark is something you are BORN with.  Meaning, it doesn't pop up later in life...those are usually called Moles, Sunspots, Age spots, or Scars.  Birth Mark = a MARK on your baby body that was there when you popped out your momma or shows up shortly after. 

Why is this funny...weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeell...I may or may not have a Birth Mark on my lower butt cheek/upper leg.  Meaning, if this is true then I died from a wound in the @$$.  Maybe I was shot...maybe stabbed...or MAYBE I said "hold my beer" and some "here's your sign" type injury occurred.  Add that to I was probably just as clumsy and well....

I don't know if you've ever jumped into a murky river or lake but those f**kers usually have sticks/logs/etc and they HURT!  Maybe that is why I have a slight "fear" of murky water.  My dumb@$$ former self jumped @$$ first into a river and was impaled.  And then eaten by a gator (heheheheHA).

I also happen to have a perfect dark circle on the back of my shoulder (born with it).  While that doesn't seem life threatening, I guess if it happened a long time ago dying of infection was probably an issue.  Not as "fun" as the other one.  Weeeellll maybe if we think of it as a heroic act saving someone.  Who am I kidding I probably fell while running with scissors...how it impaled me from the back is...I am just THAT talented.  I will say though, that one gets A LOT of attention.  For some reason when people see it they have this uncontrollable urge to poke it..."Um 'scuse you". 

No really, I've had complete strangers touch it.  WTF?!?  Its not gnarly or anything, just a flat mark.  So back in the day, people called it my "button"...don't push my BUTTON(s)! 

People do NOT poke the other one, well my husband does, but he is allowed.  If a stranger "poked" that one, we would have a problem.  I usually use it as a gauge.  If I bend over and you can see my mark...shorts are too short...or I just shouldn't bend over...

Conclusion:  I either died very heroically or I spazzed out or I was shot in the @$$...the possibilities are endless.

Someone is having a little too much fun with the Juke Box!

Things you expect when with FAMILY at a FAMILY style restaurant:

1. Generic food...Pizza, Burgers, etc.
2. Loud @$$ people/kids
3. Beer
4. Music...Top Ten Pop Chart stuff
5. Games for Kids
6. Unnecessary calories but an all around good time

Things you do not expect when with FAMILY at a FAMILY style restaurant:

1. Having a conversation with your Father in Law and hearing "B**ch better have my money"
2. Laughing it off as an oops only to have it followed by "Let's Talk About Sex"...Ummm let's not.  Helloooooo Father in Law AND children...just NO!
3. Having the teeninsy waitress in her too short shorts and cut up tee lean between you and said in law while you are talking.  Hello boobies at eye level.  Um excuse me miss can you move those, all I can see is pop in law's eyes and its weird...thanks
4. Talking with other family members only to hear "And you're screaming give it to me baby
Give it to me mother f**ker" *jaw drop* I know its loud in here but if I heard it, others did....right?  Not really.  They were all caught up in conversations but looking around the restaurant you could tell who heard it because they all had the same look as me...*WTF* My bro in law just put his head down and was snorting with laughter.
5. Telling the waitress who apologizes profusely and goes in the back.  20 minutes later "Mommy what's Truffle Butter"...oh God that is SO wrong coming from a child!  We didn't hear the song because we were talking...

I think at this point we all died a little.  The song itself is innocent to innocent ears BUT ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww! So mommy did what any mommy would do.  She LIED through her teeth.

"Oh, baby Truffle Butter is a...a delicacy" 
*snickering from the rest of us* *glare from mom* 
"As I was saying.  Its a Delicacy.  Something really only rich people can afford."
*turning red with effort of NOT laughing* *more glaring* 
"So that is why he's singing about it.  He's, um, rich now and its something he can enjoy".  
At this point the 15 year old loses it and it saying "ew, ew, ew, ew, ew!!!!".
We are all shocked...how do you know?!?!?!  Right...15...internet...'nuff said 
They covered it well, "What?  I don't think I like truffles".  Nice save little one. 

I don't think he bought it.  God help us if he remembers this when he is older and loud caps us all for attempting to maintain his innocence.

If you don't know what "Truffle Butter" is...Urban Dictionary it...USE CAUTION...I think it scarred me for LIFE!

Side Note - GROSS!!! That is how you get weirdo infections in your nether regions...don't do that!!!!!!!!!!!!

Needless to say after that the music went off and didn't come back...at least not while we were there....

Jaws V: The low hanging fruit

Everyone is all like "So cool!" or "I need this for summer!" or "We could use this in the lake!" and I'm over here like "Do you want your @$$ literally bitten off?  Because that's how you get your @$$ bitten off!"  If you want to buy one have fun...I'll watch from the shore or in a boat.

Has no one seen Jaws?!?!?!  Murky water...people dangling just above it looking like easy targets...a skiff thing.  Come on!  This is basically what happens in Jaws II!!! They go out on these flimsy sail boats and Jaws says "b**ch, I'ma eat that" and everyone dies. 

Okay not everyone but a lot of them!  And Chief Brody is no longer with us so who the hell is gonna save us and tell that mean ol' shark to open wide?!?!? Huh?  Huh?!?

Ignore the caption!

"All right, you big bastard! Come On! I've got something for ya' now! That's it! Attaboy, come on! Right over here! Open wide OPEN WIDE! SAY AAH!" 
*electricity noise* *sizzling shark* *oh $hit that b**ch is on fire* *BBQ Shark sinking* 
"Yay!  We are saved!" *sobbing*

Okay soooooooooooooooooooo maybe I've seen Jaws too many times (like there is such a thing!) but I'd rather err on the side of caution, than see this comin' up to bite my @$$!

And if you are like "but fresh water no sharks" see this post.  AND okay, fine no sharks...South Louisiana...meet this!

Yes I know that's a Croc BUT I couldn't find a moving gif of a Gator.  With that said I've SEEN a gator jump out the water up close and personal.  Action shot, ala me. 

And that was just a "little" one!!! So no thanks, I'm good.  I'll hammock in a tree.

This is Doctor Who fanfiction and no one can convince me otherwise!!!

Its a book.  Like a published book series, I am not on one of those websites.  I am reading Out of Time: A Time Travel Mystery by Monique Martin.  I can't help it.  I've tried but all I can picture is Rose and Ten in an alternate universe but still f**king time traveling!  Except he has Green eyes and she has blue.  She has coppery hair, is very attractive, and has an adorable personality.  He is tall and skinny but muscular with brown hair and tries to hide his feelings.

He is a PROFESSOR.  She is his ASSISTANT.  They are both head over heels in love with each other but don't want to admit it.  And neither will make a freakin' move!  No but really hear.me.out.

They are at Uni where they work, he gets a mysterious box of his deceased grandpa's belongings.  Inside is a POCKET WATCH, which zaps them back to 1929 NYC.  Back in time they have to PRETEND TO BE MARRIED.  They have to SHARE A BED.  They had to get QUESTIONABLE jobs.  She is JEOPARDY friendly and he is 100% terrified he is going to LOSE HER (that she will die).  They flirt, flirt, flirt but that is as far as it goes.  His JEALOUSY is hilarious.  Her ability to make everyone LOVE her is familiar.  This is driving me barmy!!! 

In the most recent scene he is in a Tux and she is in her Speakeasy sexy outfit.  They are both ogling each other from across the room and I am over here like if they don't freaking KISS already I am going to scream!

There is so much pent up sexual frustration I need a cold shower! 

Oh and did I mention he is English...she's American but tomato, tomahto...whatever!

I love it.  I can't get enough of it.  I am only 33% done.  My inner fangirl cannot be contained.  I may explode.

UPDATE - I forgot!  There is also like a 10-20 year age gap...ish.  AAAAANNNNNDDDD he is always pointing out historical inaccuracies! 

I have been claimed!!!

Not like by a fae, although that would be kinda cool I guess.  I was claimed by a CAT...actually more than one.  Not my cats, some strays that decided I seemed nice.  I thought we were past this whole strays in the yard thing.  Crazy neighbor is gone so their "sanctuary" has been sealed off, gutted and remodeled.  Apparently there are a few hold outs and since I am Dr. f**king Dolittle they picked me.

My first clue that they were staking claim to me/my house was a cat fight, on top of my A/C unit at 3AM a couple weeks ago (this is right outside my bedroom window).  Ah, nothing gets the blood pumping like a loud crash followed by an angry cat fight. A few days later Speedy bee lined it to the other side of the shed.  I heard a *reow*, a bird flew away, a black and white streak went running, Speedy followed barking.  He had it cornered by the A/C unit but was just BARKING.  I managed to move him and shoo away Mr. Kitty.  I figured seeing the dogs would keep them out.  Over the next week he came back but would jump the fence as the dogs came a running.  Then I realized it was THREE cats.  One black & white, one white & black, and one beige & white.....hmmmm.  The look I got from them was a "you'll adopt me...right...?"  No!

Unfortunately one night the black and white one decided to fight my dogs for the yard.  It ended badly for him.  They weren't attacking just barking but when he attacked Speedy's face, Convict went into protect the pack mode.  We pried the dogs off this poor cat who was IMMEDIATELY abandoned by his friends.  He looked bad, but was alive...  He wasn't moving much but would try to bite, scratch if we got to close.

I couldn't let the idiot suffer so I called animal control.  45 min later they showed up to get the dying cat who hadn't moved.  The SECOND we got in the yard that Mother F**ker got up, darted to the fence, and got on the roof *WTF*.  He was gone.  It was like a "you'll never take me alive coppers" *muahahaha* kind of thing.  Well okay then.

Waaaaaay later that night we found him...ALIVE and pissed off with his posse just hanging out on my roof again.  He growled and hissed and stared us down...GREAT!  "He's gonna die on the f**king roof...that's just wonderful" stupid cat. The next morning he moved but was still on the roof.  I got home from work...chilling on the roof over the front door.  I said "are you going to let me help you????" *hiiiiissssss* *growl*  Ugh, fine!

You'd think he would steer clear after that, right?!?  Nope.  Two days later, back in the yard behind the A/C unit picking a fight with Speedy.  WTF?!?!?!  He can barely move one leg but he was ready to defend "his territory".  Um sorry buddy this is actually THEIR territory...and they will eat you...apparently.  The dogs didn't hurt him again, just barked...A LOT.  Realizing his mistake, he eventually scurried off. 

Its been 3 days and I haven't seen him.  I hope he lived and will be okay...he was a jerk but I don't want the poor thing to suffer!  But I also don't want him back in the yard.  The poor pups had to go to the vet and be examined because they were all scratched and bit up.  Hopefully animal control came back out and got him.  I told them where he was.

I am also concerned the other two were females since male cats rarely hang around together.  If they leave me more kittens, so help me, I may actually go loony.