WTF am I watching!?!?!?

I've seen all the Sharknados.  Remember Cheesy Sci-fi is my jam!!!! But what the actual f**k am I watching?????

So we Time Travel to the Jurassic period.  Fin is chasing a f**kig t-rex looking thing with a bag with the head of something in it.  A Megladon looking thing JUMPS onto land and eats the f**king T-Rex.

But wait there's more.  Fin is in the truck looking at a HOLOGRAM of his kid basiaclly saying he's the ONLY HOPE and needs to stop the FIRST sharknado.  Hello Obi-wan....What?!?!?!?!

Oh and April is there....not dead.  She learned how to fly a f**king dino and calls it...wait for it... TARA!!  Are you serious?!?!?!?!!?

Then they are riding a freaking dino IN THE SHARKNADO to stop it.

Fin jumps on a flying shark to 'save humanity' and says "its feeding time" Oh.My.God!!!!

This is the first 10 minutes.  Its awful.  I love it!!!!!!!!!!

I can't y'all...I just can't....

Wait wait wait...its a "Time-nado" and he says "let's do the time warp again" and I'm just dying on my couch.

JFC Morganna is...not that there is anything wrong with that but...WTF is happening..she..he...no definitely she...OMG?!?!!?

That's it I am "live blogging" this $hit.

They just met Merlin and its Neil Degrasse Tyson!!!!!

He's carrying his wife's robot head in a bag...I am done.

"A little less needy and a little more...knight-y"

Dragon sharks...why......why.....WHY!

Medieval Sharknado.....

Did she...did she just say "I'm melting" ?!?!?!

They got catapulted into the future.....

The British are coming...pahahahaha

The sharks are coming...I'm dead

The British are throwing flying sharks at us....

F**king Ben Stein is Hamilton...JFC

We won the revolution by blowing up a sharknado....

A chocolate blast from the past...really?!?!?

Go ahead shark my day....

"I'm not gonna take this anymore" - Dee Snyder

She's shooting laser beams from her eyes!!!!

Tori Spelling??!!?  What?!?!

Oh my GOD THIS IS THE CHEESIEST EVER!!!!!!

Is that...is that a Brady?!?!?!  Like Peter f**king Brady?!?!?!  I can't....

"My name is Nova Clark, you killed my grandfather...prepare to die". really?!!??!?!?

This CGI is AMAZING!!!!!

Is he going to lasso a shark to get speed...no...NO...ahahahahahaha

They time jumped to 20013....

Flying robo shark?!?!?!  How...who created that thing?!?!!?

How did they keep straight faces while filming this!??!?!

Jesus Christ its f**king Corpse Bride...hahahhaa

Emotionally deranged easy bake oven...pahahahaha

Crazy clone April froze Sky in "Carbonite" she went full Star Wars.

And she went full Sith Lord...Lightening form the fingers and all....

Physics....Physics...phyyyyyysssssiiiiccccccssssss

"Great Scott" I mean this whole movie has been a bad BTTF pun...right?!?!?! 

He got hit by the f**king kitchen sink!!!!

He kissed a head in a shark mouth!!!!

We end at the beginning...they went all Harry Potter on us!!!

Please tell me he gets eaten by a shark giving this speech!!!!

Damn...hahahahahahaah

Of course they are going to put our all time Gold Medal Olympic swimmer in in the water with a real shark.......really people?!?!

So people are pissed that the Shark Week special pitting the worlds fastest swimmer against a great white was a *gasp* simulation.

LINK

The gist from that article...

Did we really think they would put him in a pool/whatever with a f**king great white?!?!  

Of course its a simulation!  But they did a lot of science.  Did you watch the show???  Did you crazy f**kers really want the great Michael Phelps to be eaten by a shark?!?!  You sick Bastards! 

It wasn't a bad special but even when I heard about it I NEVER thought "so Michael in lane one and Jaws in lane two".  

I figured it would be all analytic figuring out the averages for a Great White and then Phelps doing the same distance in the same water and being timed.  Culminating in Phelps and a CGI shark racing in the ocean.  I thought it was kind of cool, you people just wanted blood shed.

I just find this all very amusing.

Jaws V: The low hanging fruit

Everyone is all like "So cool!" or "I need this for summer!" or "We could use this in the lake!" and I'm over here like "Do you want your @$$ literally bitten off?  Because that's how you get your @$$ bitten off!"  If you want to buy one have fun...I'll watch from the shore or in a boat.

Has no one seen Jaws?!?!?!  Murky water...people dangling just above it looking like easy targets...a skiff thing.  Come on!  This is basically what happens in Jaws II!!! They go out on these flimsy sail boats and Jaws says "b**ch, I'ma eat that" and everyone dies. 

Okay not everyone but a lot of them!  And Chief Brody is no longer with us so who the hell is gonna save us and tell that mean ol' shark to open wide?!?!? Huh?  Huh?!?

Ignore the caption!

"All right, you big bastard! Come On! I've got something for ya' now! That's it! Attaboy, come on! Right over here! Open wide OPEN WIDE! SAY AAH!" 
*electricity noise* *sizzling shark* *oh $hit that b**ch is on fire* *BBQ Shark sinking* 
"Yay!  We are saved!" *sobbing*

Okay soooooooooooooooooooo maybe I've seen Jaws too many times (like there is such a thing!) but I'd rather err on the side of caution, than see this comin' up to bite my @$$!

And if you are like "but fresh water no sharks" see this post.  AND okay, fine no sharks...South Louisiana...meet this!

Yes I know that's a Croc BUT I couldn't find a moving gif of a Gator.  With that said I've SEEN a gator jump out the water up close and personal.  Action shot, ala me. 

And that was just a "little" one!!! So no thanks, I'm good.  I'll hammock in a tree.

In honor of Shark Week...it's time for a story

It's Shark Week!!!  I love shark week...you'd think after like 20 years, I'd be sick of Shark Week but no way man...it's Shark Week.  And yes I know its been around for 27 years but there were some years at the beginning where I didn't have cable #iwaspoor so *pleeft*. 

Anyways, I don't have a shark encounter (thankfully) to share but I have a shark related story.  As noted in the past, I live in Southeast Louisiana (near NOLA).  We are quite literally surrounded by water...a virtual island if you include all the bayous and waterways.  Most people (at least 12 or so years ago most people) would say that unless you are in the Gulf of Mexico you aren't going to encounter a shark BUT the locals knew better.  We knew that Sharks inhabited Lake Pontchartrain, at least for part of the year.  When I was young there were always "stories" about sharks in the lake but "smart people" always seemed to want to refute it saying, "Uh no, it is fresh water and sharks like salt water" or something of that nature. 



So it became a sort of joke.  No one ever really proved it from what I recall but people always claimed they saw them.  Moving on to the story.  So 12 or so years ago my "friend" bought a speed boat, whoohoo!  A group of us would go riding in The Lake for fun almost every weekend.  We never got out the boat into the water (those stigmas about a polluted lake were still strong in our minds) for fear of growing an extra arm.  A few weeks after he bought the boat he got a tow line, an inner tube and a knee board.  To quote him, "it's time to have a little fun on the water" (he's a cajun through and through).  Now I am not one to shy away from Hydro-sliding (Knee Boarding) but in The Lake?!?! Nooooo thank you!

For a few weeks after the purchases he tried to get us to go in the water but we ALWAYS had an excuse...some of the guys went but most of us said "uh, maybe next time".   Then there was a sighting...someone saw a shark...it was on the Northshore maybe...never confirmed.  After that it wasn't just a "no thanks" but an "oh hell no!" 

One day (turning to evening) we'd all been drinking (not our skipper, he was sober...safety FIRST people!) and things got weird.  The boys were once again trying to convince us to play in the water.  To which I replied "Seriously?!?!  That is basically how Jaws begins!" They kept saying things like "it's totally safe.  Come on, live a little." One of my acquaintances said "I am not going in water where I can't see my legs under the surface!  That is just asking for lost limbs!" As time progressed we were probably out near The Sandbar I guess (just floating) and our rowdy crew was getting rowdier as the sun was setting...now I am no expert but aren't Dawn/Dusk considered prime hunting times for Sharks???  Anyway, we all had life vests on (we aren't that dumb) but that doesn't stop stupidity.  Well one guy who I will mention is no longer considered a friend of mine (mainly because I broke up with his friend) decided it would be HILARIOUS to throw me overboard.  After I screamed, shot lake water out my nose and caught my breath, I yelled "You f**king @$$hole, I'm basically a swimming chum bucket!" The GIRLS immediately dragged me back in the boat. 

Can I tell you the look of shock on all the boys faces (even my dumb@$$ boyfriend)....it took them all what seemed like hours to get it.  Finally one said (very condescendingly),  "you do know a chum bucket is basically pieces of fish tissue and blood." Um yea I do...THINK ABOUT IT!  Obviously I was not eaten by a shark and I am not even sure if that would have attracted a shark but it was dusk...I was "bleeding"...and I was thrashing around in the water...NOT GOOD!  I wasn't wearing a "plug", I had an issue at the time that prevented that...so I ended up with half of Lake Pontchartrain absorbed into my undies...thank you jerk face. 

I swear it was not long after where experts were like "Oh yea, by the way Bull Sharks are talented little f**kers...they can actually swim in brackish water...we are fairly certain that is what ventures into the lake." Oh f**king great!  Well at least I wasn't dinner for one of the most aggressive sharks out there *whew*.