Don't drive in a tornado or tornado like weather...its a bad idea...just don't do it!

Okay so we all know this right?  I mean I know this.  The problem is when you don't know how bad the weather is gonna be and you are already driving. 

So I met some friends in from out of town for drinks.  I knew bad weather was coming in overnight but not till after midnight, so I could leave by 10PM and be fine, right?  WRONG!

Right at 10 I started getting alerts on my phone, hmmmm odd.  Then I got a text from my mom...then from my hubs...then from my Godmother all about the impending weather...Uh oh, what is going on?!?  I pull up the weather map and there is a solid wall of red about 70 miles WNW of my house...should be at my house in 45 min - 1hour.  CRAP! Takes me 20 min to get home... Must leave NOW.  As if on cue a bolt of lightening so bright it lit up the entire area streaked across the sky, followed a bit after by a crash of thunder so loud it literally shook the building.  We were on the 2nd floor...it was f**king scary. 

Okay, I must leave 10 minutes ago.  I tried to rush our waitress but she was petrified and took FOREVER with my check.  Those precious minutes are gonna bite me in the @$$ aren't they..?

So I FINALLY left.  Minimal rain and wind but the light show that was happening...have you seen War of the Worlds?  That's what was f**king going on!

I was doing good.  At the rate I was going I should make it home WELL before the worst of it hits.  And then you factor in other drivers who are MORONS! So apparently what you are supposed to do in a lightening storm (little rain/wind) is slow down to a crawl while driving across a waterway and STARE at the f**king insanity happening all around you. 

NOOOOOOOOOOOO!  That isn't what you do.  You f**king drive because you don't want to be on the god blessed road when the bottom falls out!!!!!!!!!

So that was what happened.  I was half way across the bridge when Armageddon occurred.   The rain started coming down harder and harder.  The wind kicked up a bit but it was manageable.  We were all going maybe 40 MPH with flashers on.  You couldn't see much except when the lightening lit everything up.  This was 100% unnerving because we were over WATER and couldn't see $hit! 

Then it happened.  My phone went bat$hit crazy.  The radio went bat$hit crazy.  There were Emergency Alerts coming from basically everywhere.  Seek shelter NOW!  Where am I gonna find shelter I am on a f**king bridge?!?!!?

Before the reality of the situation could sink in a solid wall of white...water...rain...something...came CRASHING over the bridge from my left. I didn't hit the brakes, I just took my foot off the gas, I am fairly certain I screamed like a crazy person, and I prayed to anyone listening.  The wind was insane, the rain was insane, my car went from the left lane to the right lane....and then it was mostly over.  WTF?!?!!?  All the cars around me were stopped.  We all slowly started going again...before I knew it we were all going about 70 *f**k this $hit* MPH to get off the damn bridge. 

Clearly I am alive and made it home safely.  I can't believe I drove in that.  After the debacle at the restaurant I should have just stayed at my friend's house until after midnight. 

Lesson - Weather forecasts are just guesses...they have a 50/50 shot of getting it right.  This was moving WAY faster than they thought...I should have known better and just stayed put.

In honor of Shark Week...it's time for a story

It's Shark Week!!!  I love shark week...you'd think after like 20 years, I'd be sick of Shark Week but no way man...it's Shark Week.  And yes I know its been around for 27 years but there were some years at the beginning where I didn't have cable #iwaspoor so *pleeft*. 

Anyways, I don't have a shark encounter (thankfully) to share but I have a shark related story.  As noted in the past, I live in Southeast Louisiana (near NOLA).  We are quite literally surrounded by water...a virtual island if you include all the bayous and waterways.  Most people (at least 12 or so years ago most people) would say that unless you are in the Gulf of Mexico you aren't going to encounter a shark BUT the locals knew better.  We knew that Sharks inhabited Lake Pontchartrain, at least for part of the year.  When I was young there were always "stories" about sharks in the lake but "smart people" always seemed to want to refute it saying, "Uh no, it is fresh water and sharks like salt water" or something of that nature. 



So it became a sort of joke.  No one ever really proved it from what I recall but people always claimed they saw them.  Moving on to the story.  So 12 or so years ago my "friend" bought a speed boat, whoohoo!  A group of us would go riding in The Lake for fun almost every weekend.  We never got out the boat into the water (those stigmas about a polluted lake were still strong in our minds) for fear of growing an extra arm.  A few weeks after he bought the boat he got a tow line, an inner tube and a knee board.  To quote him, "it's time to have a little fun on the water" (he's a cajun through and through).  Now I am not one to shy away from Hydro-sliding (Knee Boarding) but in The Lake?!?! Nooooo thank you!

For a few weeks after the purchases he tried to get us to go in the water but we ALWAYS had an excuse...some of the guys went but most of us said "uh, maybe next time".   Then there was a sighting...someone saw a shark...it was on the Northshore maybe...never confirmed.  After that it wasn't just a "no thanks" but an "oh hell no!" 

One day (turning to evening) we'd all been drinking (not our skipper, he was sober...safety FIRST people!) and things got weird.  The boys were once again trying to convince us to play in the water.  To which I replied "Seriously?!?!  That is basically how Jaws begins!" They kept saying things like "it's totally safe.  Come on, live a little." One of my acquaintances said "I am not going in water where I can't see my legs under the surface!  That is just asking for lost limbs!" As time progressed we were probably out near The Sandbar I guess (just floating) and our rowdy crew was getting rowdier as the sun was setting...now I am no expert but aren't Dawn/Dusk considered prime hunting times for Sharks???  Anyway, we all had life vests on (we aren't that dumb) but that doesn't stop stupidity.  Well one guy who I will mention is no longer considered a friend of mine (mainly because I broke up with his friend) decided it would be HILARIOUS to throw me overboard.  After I screamed, shot lake water out my nose and caught my breath, I yelled "You f**king @$$hole, I'm basically a swimming chum bucket!" The GIRLS immediately dragged me back in the boat. 

Can I tell you the look of shock on all the boys faces (even my dumb@$$ boyfriend)....it took them all what seemed like hours to get it.  Finally one said (very condescendingly),  "you do know a chum bucket is basically pieces of fish tissue and blood." Um yea I do...THINK ABOUT IT!  Obviously I was not eaten by a shark and I am not even sure if that would have attracted a shark but it was dusk...I was "bleeding"...and I was thrashing around in the water...NOT GOOD!  I wasn't wearing a "plug", I had an issue at the time that prevented that...so I ended up with half of Lake Pontchartrain absorbed into my undies...thank you jerk face. 

I swear it was not long after where experts were like "Oh yea, by the way Bull Sharks are talented little f**kers...they can actually swim in brackish water...we are fairly certain that is what ventures into the lake." Oh f**king great!  Well at least I wasn't dinner for one of the most aggressive sharks out there *whew*.