Apparently, I love scotch......

Or I've just really had that much of a f**ked up week and I gave up wine and beer for Lent...You thought I was kidding!!!!!!!!!! (see end of this post)

Yaaaaassss!

I may or may not be feeling REEEEAAAALLLLYYY good right now.

Yay for FREEEEEEE Scotch tasting!!! 10 different kinds of Scotch to try!

I may or may not have realized I actually enjoy the $hit out of Scotch...who knew!?!

I can't...yes I can...no...maybe I need food....yASSSSSS food!  I have the SCOTCH giggles....

Okay okay, I'm good...I made FRIENDS!  Like old people friends...do only old people drink Scotch. My dad drinks Scotch...but I like it...I'M NOT OLD...well not that old...shhhhhh

I have posted four David gifs...I should stop now...but he's Scottish...and I'm drinking Scotch...or was drinking Scotch...stop judging me.

Hmmmm maybe I need sustenance...

Oh I'm gonna to feel this tomorrow...

I blame day drinking...on the beach...without properly hydrating...all while in the blistering sun....

I had the absolute most f**ked up dream while on vacay.  I mean I clearly have odd dreams from time to time but this one was exceptionally weird and disturbing.

I don't recall how it really began but somehow I was abducted by a man.  A very disturbed man.  He was average looking not bad but not super attractive.  He was skinny fit, blondish hair, and scary smart.  He kind of looked like the actor playing the Unibomber on that discovery show "Manhunt" or whatever...maybe I should lay off the crime shows...

Anyways, I was abducted by this person and forced to be his wife.  But not like locked in a basement.  I was taken to a community in the middle of f**king no where and there were other "couples" there.  The kicker, I wasn't the first "wife" he brought.  They said things like "I hope you stick around longer than the last few" (OMG what happened to the others?!?!) *gulp*.

Now, I am not one to be a victim but for some reason I was helpless...like I knew I couldn't fight back because he threatened me or my family or something.  So I played the part in front of others and fought like hell in our "house".  Eventually I was forced to fulfill my "wifely" duties *shudder*...thank GOD my subconscious didn't let me remember that part...I know it happened in the dream but I have no memory of it.  So now this is starting to sound like that Chevy Stevens book "Still Missing".

Side Note - READ THIS BOOK!!! Its freaking amazing!!!

Anyways, this "community" is Stepford-esque but in a setting like "The Village".  I had to wear modest clothing and wasn't really "allowed" interact with the men even as friends.  Also, women were not seen as smart...which if you know me, you know this bugs the $hit out of me, so this part was torturous.  "*shhh* the men are talking, go make me a sammich", etc etc etc.  At some point I realize I am PG but I knew it wasn't crazies somehow (thank goodness).  Guess I was knocked up before I was taken.  My "husband" hates this.  He wants the baby but thinks pregnancy is "gross" and wont touch me (hallelujah!).

I am playing the part to live and get home.  I guess, biding my time to see if I can escape without endangering me or my unborn child.  I wasn't allowed to dance (torture) or swim or run or anything remotely fun because that wasn't lady like and only my husband could see me in that state of undress.  I think at one point I was crocheting, which is kinda cool but I need activity!!!

Moving on dinner each night was in the common area not in the home. One night we had a newbie who was visiting from out of town.  It was this famous-ish person I've mentioned before.  He was the guest of this older woman who clearly was interested in other things besides a friend.  Well even playing the part my personality & intelligence seeped out.

I was punished for this at some point; I think I had a broken arm.  Well this visitor noticed my distress and I guess what I know of him makes my subconscious think he's a good guy.  He was there for a while and would talk to me like a person and not an object which was nice but caused problems with me and my "husband".  Also, he seemed to be not allowed to leave.

It gets a little fuzzy but later he pulled me to the side to find out my real story and I told him we can't do this.  No one can see us talking like this.  He'll kill me...us...he'll kill us.

it jumped a bit and I somehow convinced my "husband" to let me go hiking.  I was only allowed if I wore baggy pants, a baggy shirt, and a hat.  Okay its hella hot but FINE!  So everyday after my chores and other wifely duties...*shudder* (I washed my hands...A LOT) I went for a hike on different trails in the area.  Curious as I am I started going off the paths.  This let me find a gorgeous natural spring with a water fall (where the f**k are we?!?!).  Now my daily hikes consisted of me going to this place, stripping down, and swimming.  It was actually kind of nice.

One afternoon while I was swimming I heard something in the woods.  First thought animal, second thought "husband"...first thought would be SOOOOOOO much better!  I yelled for whomever it was to show themselves and out walks my new friend.  He followed me...oh f**king great!!!

Jumps some more...this is now our secret meeting place (no funny business...just escaping the insanity).  But eventually my story...my REAL story comes out.  He is horrified.  He is captive also but only because his children were threatened...WTF?!?!?  He vows to help us escape and tell our story.

Of course we are discovered by señor crazy but I think I started to wake up so I am not sure what happened.

What?!?!  What normal person has dreams like this?!?!  This is awful!  Like worst case scenario!!  And that's a lot of details...and why was that famous person there?!?!  Yea I like him but I've NEVER dreamed of him before....

Also, I need to stop watching Crime Dramas...but I still need to watch the final season of Broadchurch and I do love me some Criminal Minds/SVU reruns so that's not gonna happen...maybe I should just stop watching Forensic Files before bed...oh and reading...no more reading...yea not gonna happen.

I am apparently that 1 in 5...yay

This is a female thing.  Nothing gross just giving a warning.

So I'm dying.  Not really but I kinda feel like it.  Occasionally...not every month but some months I have a weird pain.  The first time it happened and I really noticed it I thought I pulled a muscle or had appendicitis.  The next time it happened it was on the other side.  That's when I started paying attention.  It happens every few months or so, not every month but about midway through when it does.

Turns out I am the 1 of the 1 in 5 females that has Mittleschmerz otherwise known as Mid-Cycle Pain.  Basically I can feel it when I ovulate and it is f**king weird!  We should know by now I have fertility issues, as in we aren't preventing but nothing is happening.  It's to the point where the doc is like "you may want to talk to a fertility specialist" and I'm like "k...but I'm poor".  Well not poor but I don't think we can afford or can justify that.....whatever, a consultation can't hurt...right?

Anyways back to my weirdness.  

I've had this most of my adult life, I just...I thought it was other things, like digestive issues or something.  But when you are tracking cycles you start to put the puzzle pieces together.  So now I know when I feel like someone is stabbing me repeatedly in one side or the other mid-cycle I am in fact releasing an egg...good to know.  I mean it is good to know but I'd rather just track temps and pee in a cup.  I could do without the throbbing pain, nausea and downright uncomfortableness.  I especially hate when it hits when I'm out in public.  I think the two old ladies the farmers market thought I was dying as I dramatically leaned over the lemons and grabbed my side.  I have a decent pain tolerance but this f**king hurts. 

No I don't punch my side!

I've been told it can last a few minutes to a few hours normally...apparently my body is on the few HOURS regime.  It's not easy to sit at a desk and try to focus when you feel like you're being dissected from the inside.  I should be able to take a sick day for this!  

Have I mentioned I sometimes hate being a girl?  Because for reals this $hit is for the birds!

They both take place in Space...it could totally work!

Conversation:

Me: Why can I watch some movies a million times and never get really tired of them?
Hubs: Dunno, I'm not like that
Me: *glare*
Hubs: What movie were you watching?
Me: *distracted* Guardians of Gallifrey
Hubs: Huh?
Me:  *still distracted* You know with the Racoon and the Tree?
Hubs: Oh...I was thinking with the Time Lord and Police Box
Me:*blank stare* *thinking* *realization* *hysterical laughter*
Hubs: Are you okay?
Me: *trying to talk and failing* *crying laughing*
Hubs: *concerned stare* NOLA Gurl...?
Me: OMG...OMG...OMG someone write this!  Not me...someone else...who writes better...
Hubs: *knocking on my head* Helllllooooo
Me: Time Lord...Star Lord...close enough...
Hubs: What?!?
Me: There was a living tree lady in Season One...Oh, and she could still be Nebula...
Hubs: *guiding me down the hall* Bed time for the wifey
Me: *wistfully* I don't want to go
Hubs: *blank stare*
Me: *uncontrollable laughter* I am funny! *snort*
Hubs: When was the last time you slept...?

Clearly, my imagination runs wild when I'm tired...exhausted...sleep deprived...

Just call me...f**k he doesn't have a NAME...only "The Narrator"...fine, call me...The...Narrator...

1st rule of Fight Club...well at least I'm not Tyler Durden...

So I came to an uncomfortable realization.  I think I use TV/Movies to express emotions that I don't normally..."express".  I mean I have emotions but some seem to come out more freely when entranced by a show...or a book...usually a show...occasionally a "short story" (not Fan Fiction) *uncomfortable laugh*.  They are my "meetings". 

I know I know I know you are over there like:

But hear me out.  I get happy, I get sad, I get in-between...I prefer happy.  So I am ALWAYS "happy"...even when I should probably be sad.  But I don't like to be sad, so as much as I preach "its okay to cry"...I usually don't.  At least not in-front of others...rarely in-front of others.

The thing is I don't do it because I can't feel...I do it because I don't want to (do not Freud me...I know this isn't "normal"). 

I find that I find my release...my coping...my "its okay to cry" coming from fiction...crap!

I relate sad things in fiction to things that happen (or could happen) in my life or around me and have an emotional response.  I am am empathetic person.  If you are sad, I can relate and get sad...I just don't always fully project it until I am alone.

For example...watching the Series Finale of Lost Girl...not terribly sad but sad enough.  Tamsin f**king died after childbirth...that is a relatable thing...*level: tears*.  Her daughter grows up loved but without a mother...also relatable...*level: sobbing*.  Bo and the gang watch out for her...Bo says to her "I won't let you become a 'Lost Girl'..." JFC just rip my heart out people! *level: rocking in corner*

My point is it wasn't THAT sad to illicit the response(s) I had to it.  I find this happens with other shows/stories.  I wasn't a fan of Danny Pink on Doctor Who but I teared up when he died/sacrificed himself...don't even talk to me about Clara's death *level: don't f**king touch me*.  The parting of The Doctor and Rose...RELATABLE...*level: snot bubble*.  I could also just say...Vincent Van Gogh *level: silent ugly sobs*.  The series finale of House (dammit House!!!) *level: laughing through tears*.  Or...Allegiant (the book) *level: denial...why is my face wet, its not sad...she isn't DEAD* Hmmm, maybe I just don't like endings...the finality of things.

Crap, now I'm Freud-ing myself. 

No worries, I am not developing a split personality.  I will not have a Tyler Durden side that creates a club where we beat the $hit out of each other just to "feel".  But I do have a feeling I am not alone...others are probably similar.  I don't know why we do it (and I'm not gonna analyze that, EVER) but it works for me so why change it.

Shut up Tyler!