I mean it's clear like water

So we are in our reconnect with our High School Friends era.  Which honestly is f**king great.  I love it.  

Every year there is an event (chicks only) where everyone gets together from all years and throws down.   It's a great time. 

There's food, drinks, talking, pics, dancing...everything. 

I am a seasoned adult...as in I know how much I can/should drink.  But sometimes...you forget that just because it's clear doesn't mean you can drink multiple glasses of it!

We had a great time.  My glass was never empty...the problem was it wasn't water...it was vodka tonic. 

We talked for hours, dropped it like it was hot and took the most ridiculous pics and videos.  We even went OUT after.  What the actual hell were we thinking?!?!!?

Anyways I was fine...until I wasn't.  I was fully functional all night after multiple drinks...until the car ride home.

I wasn't like "I'm gonna vomit" bad but when I got out the car...the world went sideways. 

I'll show you in gifs. 

So I ended up with a busted knee.  Bleeding like a stuck pig. My drunk @$$ besties laughing their @$$e$ off as they try to stop the bleeding. My friends boyfriend coming out and being like "she good...ok going back to bed".  We were laughing so hard because it wouldn't stop bleeding!!!!!  Too much alcohol + scraped knee = murder scene. Hubs picked me up and asked me what happened.  I literally said "well I got out the car and then there was the ground"

Lawd help him, he loves me hahaha.  

Who needs their pinky finger anyway???

I love when you go to a place and they are like "but first sign this waiver so we are not liable for injuries" and we all do that because "what could happen?!?"

Well you could almost lose a freaking finger!

Picture it Sicily 1945... wait...no no.  Picture it USA 2026... and someone has the bright idea to go Axe throwing.  

Something I learned...I SUCK at Axe throwing.  But I am hella scary with a throwing star.  Who knew!?!?!

Throwing the Axe it ping pongs all over the place.  Throwing star...on point almost every time.  Hmmmm am I a ninja!?!?

I went back to the Axe a few times and it was not great.  I bet you are thinking that's how I almost lost a pinky.  If you are thinking that....you would be WRONG!

Nope I was not injured by any of the sharp objects we were hurling across the room.  Ohhhhh hohoho nope.  

This chick got injured riding a mechanical bull.  I forgot to take off my rings  It hurt and I fell but I thought all was good.  

Then I saw the blood.  So much blood!!!!!

Uh oh....OH NO.  I tried to hide it but the worker saw and was like "OMG".   He runs to get a first aid kit while I'm like "its fine, I'm fine" and my friend was like "you are shaking...that's a lot of blood".  Its FINE.  

6 alcohol pads later and 3 bandaids and I'm GREAT!  I mean I'm missing some skin...a quite a bit of skin, *haha...ha*.  

I get back to my hotel and am like I need to clean this better.  The front desk lady was like "OMG".  I'm fine I swear.  She hands me MORE alcohol pads, 'sporin, lots of bandages and offers to help.  I swear I am fine *panic laughing*.

I get to my room and shower and go to clean it.  Oh....$hit...that's....not great.  I have a HOLE in my finger where the diamond tore out a chunk. *more panic laughing*.  I clean it wrap it up and go to bed. 

I woke up with more blood....CRAP.  Rinse repeat.  It hurts like a Mother F**ker, its swollen, and I am scared to unbandage it.

So the lesson is...axe throwing is dangerous but bull riding with rings way worse.  

How to lose 5ish lbs in an hour

Sooooo I had that thing done.  You know that thing where they remove the thing(s) causing my lady issues.  

Its routine right?  Well yes it is but holy moly its still not something you want to have done.  You are still put under, you are still down for a few weeks, you are still gonna randomly bleed and can't use a tampon or cup.  

I f**king hate being female sometimes. 

I will say kudos to the nurses and doctors for making this as easy as possible.  They put the IV needle in with almost no issues.  They were very attentive and it was rather quick considering, they had to remove at least 2 fibroids, a polyp and then do a D&C.  

I woke up and had to pee which is actually a good sign. But I was also VERY uncomfortable.  Once I was "stable", I went to a room and they got the hubs.  I was feeling very awake which was weird but cool deal.  Now the doc that did the procedure is male.  He is very good but no offense...you cannot tell me what pain I may or may not be in.  You don't have a uterus... you are basing this off of what you've read, learned, heard.  

So when the nurse was like "you okay" and I said no not really.  I really loved that she immediately went get me a percocet. Now I don't like pain pills but I was IN PAIN.  She said she talked to my doc and he was like "give her this for now but the pain shouldn't be too bad.  Tell her to take some Motrin at home if she needs".  

F**k you very much for that.  So I got no Rx which again, I probably wouldn't have taken much but STILL.  Anyways,  I just don't like being dismissed like that.  So the nurse was like you have to pee again before I discharge you, done and done.  I changed and she removed my IV.  Now I was alert but still out of it.  I heard her say something about "this was deep in your vein.  Keep the compression bandage on for____ hours".  Which is a story for another day.

I did have discharge papers so yay. Papers said no dead-lifting more than 5lbs, no sexy time, no strenuous exercise for at least 2 weeks.  And don't get hit in the abdomen, no animals jumping on you or sleeping on the tummy.  Make sure to walk around but listen to your body, get alot of rest. K.Cool.Got it. 

I got home, ate, and slept for 16 hours getting up once to pee and shower. 

I cramped and bled for days, I was SUPER Nauseous for over a week.  Not extreme bleeding thankfully just annoying.  What PISSED ME OFF is while I was still out cold the people without female body parts had a discussion with my hubs saying recovery might be 10 days at most, don't lift 10lbs, walking will help and is fine, can resume all normal activity in a couple days. So when I was still not great a few days later, hubs was like "what's wrong the doc said XYZ". 

I LOST MY $HIT.  In his defense he was listening to what the doctor said.  So what I did was go into GROSS DETAIL of what I actually went through.  He tried to get me to stop...but I didn't because f**k that, you get to hear what bull$hit women go through. 

"Let me explain what all those fancy medical words mean.  While I was under ANESTHESIA. Not mildly sedated...I was under ANESTHESIA. They dilated my cervix.  You know...like when you hear someone having a baby...they are DILATED so many CM.  Well I was dilated some so they could get in there.  Then they slid in a camera with a snipping tool on the end.  They went in and removed the growths and cauterized where they were ATTACHED to the walls of my uterus. After they removed these intruders, they inserted this U shaped scoop thingy.   They used this to scrape the walls removing the excessive uterine lining. After removing as much as they could they made sure nothing was hemorrhaging and sent me to wake up with no pain medication for after. So how do you think you would feel if you had your insides scraped? Do you think you would be functional???"

He didn't make another comment and was way more attentive to helping me after that.  I just hate how it was downplayed.  Like no sir...I get that the doc was like its NBD.  But it was a big f**king deal!!!!  I could tell the ladies understood.  Because my friends and family that knew what I had done were checking on me daily and making sure I was okay and I didn't do too much.  

Hell I stood too long 2 days after having it done and SUFFERED the next day.  I was literally a blob on my couch and all I did was stand too long.  

Being a female is bull$hit sometimes....also no uterus no opinion on how much pain we should or should not be in!

Did you know that was in there?

So I had that ultrasound. 

The tech was so sweet.  She was like this is going to be awk but we'll see what's up.  Also this isn't like the movie ultra sound you are thinking of.  This isn't squirt gel on the belly and see what's inside.  This is stick a wand in your lady bits and try to relax. 

So it took over an hour (should have been 15 - 20 min) BECAUSE she was so fascinated by my weirdness and impressed with my pain tolerance that she took like 40 pics AND went get another Senior Tech to make sure she was properly seeing things. 

Dude bro....DUUUUUUDE BROOOO.  I have the most pissed off uterus right now!!!!!  The tech said "Oh. Hmmmm. What.  Well.. are you in pain" for the entire exam.  Then the other one said the same.  I was LITERALLY called the "Medical Mystery" of the day.  

Both were like "you know you also have 2 cysts on your right ovary?"  Nope wasn't aware.  "Are you in pain???????"  Honestly I think I am just immune to it now.  So all in all.... I have two Uterine Fibroids - one seems to be stemmed (whatever the f**k that means), a polyp, a possibly "necrotic" fibroid and a "pooling of blood that is just waiting to burst free".  The necrotic thing isn't as bad as it sounds.  It basically means there may have been another fibroid that was basically getting rid of itself.  But the other stuff.... just f**k me man. 

So I saw the Doc and he said I have to have a Procedure to remove the intruders and keep me from having another month long period again. 

It's called a Hysteroscopic Myomectomy and DNC. 

In layman's terms...they go in with a camera with a tool on the end and remove the fibroids/polyps, then scrape the tissue from the uterine walls (OH FUN!). 

I've had something similar about 8 years ago and it f**king sucked.  But this time nothing through the belly button just through the hoohah. But I'll still be down for a few days and no lifting or basically anything more than walking for 2-3 weeks.  

Riding the Crimsom...Tsunami?

This is 1000% TMI please feel free to skip. 

I know I've mentioned it before but I sometimes hate being a female.  We deal with the most ridiculous issues and 90% of the time its downplayed as NBD. 

Well ya know what it is a Big Deal!

I've had some weirdo issues over the years but this takes the cake.

I'm still uh...fairly regular when it comes to monthly occurrences.  Almost like clock work I know when things will happen.  Well last month things...went...sideways. 

It started normal-ish. My cycle began almost exactly when expected.  Except this time it started with me literally having a breakdown after a night out (WTF?!?!)

Legit basically no other issues.  3 days later it tapered off and I got ready for Turkey Day.  That is where things went butt f**k crazy. 

About to leave for dads and I feel a little something.  Well $hit it came back (not abnormal).  I had the WORST CRAMPS OF MY LIFE trying to have a convo with my cousin, this is NOT normal. I was so sick I barely ate. 

3 days later MOFO is still going, like GOING...like WTF this never happens going.  I get to day 7 and I'm like something is wrong wrong, I've gone through a BOX of lady sticks in 4 days.  

I get to day 10 and I'm like white as a sheet, this is no bueno.  I call my OB and get an appt that day (also unheard of). 

I get a once over and a "hmmm that's not normal for you".  Yea no $hit....  I get an Rx for something to make the bleeding stop and an appt for an Ultrasound in 2 weeks because they think its uterine fibroids or polyps...cool cool...no thanks. 

At this point I am not buying anymore effing lady sticks so I get a cup.  Why I didn't do this sooner is BEYOND me.  Best thing EVER ladies!

Anyways, the Rx slows it down but its still happening.  I bled excessively for TWENTY TWO DAYS!!!!!!!!!  Honestly I have no idea how I didn't just pass out from blood loss.  On day 22 we have shower sexy time and the mofo stops.  WTAF?!!??!  I would have done this much sooner if I knew it would stop it!!!!!!!  Except I felt like actual butthole and didn't want to be touched. 

Can I just say...I know some women deal with excessively long cycles and I...I want to hug you because this was stupid and I hated life for almost a month.  Lets see what the ultrasound says....

Someone cover me in bubble wrap!

We have been just bombarded with rain the last few weeks.  And not just like an afternoon shower.  It's just a daily deluge of rain combined with psycho winds and crashing thunder & lightening.

Like lightening that lights up your whole house in a bright flash then thunder that crashes so loud you instinctively hit the floor because clearly something just f**king exploded.  

Well I was on my way home from an outing when mother nature just pressure pissed all over us.  We could barely see the road driving home.  When we pulled up it was still raining but not quite as hard.  I did a "one two three" and prepared to run for the door.  As I exited the car and started to run, I realized very quickly this was a bad idea. 

I felt my foot slipping in my shoe.  In slow motion I tried to catch my balance on the hood of the car but it was too late.  

My left leg gave way and I went down.  Out of pure instinct I threw my yeti to catch myself, but the angle of the fall was off so my hands didn't do much to help.  

I landed HARD on my left hip, left leg bent under me, and my left elbow hit the bumper of the car.  I sat stunned in the pouring rain trying to assess the damage for what felt like an hour but was only seconds.

Hubs tried to help but I said just get the stuff I dropped.   As I tried to get up lightening exploded behind my house blinding and scaring the absolute $hit out of me.  

Instinct kicked in again and I tried to run...I fell flat on my chest, but caught myself before my face hit.  Hubs also ran and then was like WTF, where is she?!?!  I literally hummed both shoes at my house and took off running barefoot as another blast of lightning lit up the sky.  

Once safely inside the pain shot through my left side.  I crawled into the living room and just sat on the floor holding my foot and leg rocking in pain.  Once I removed my hand blood started dripping from my foot.

I limped to the shower and hosed myself down.  EVERYTHING hurt/burned.  Then I practically bathed in peroxide. 

My toes wouldn't stop bleeding. 

Once I got a closer look...in my fall I removed MULTIPLE layers of skin from my last three toes and I am pretty sure broke the second to last one as there was a BURNING sensation not affiliated with the missing skin area.  

I dressed and wrapped each toe. Then carefully bandaged the horrific brush burn that takes up most of my left shin/calf.  

Let this be lesson kids....shoes matter....

Seriously I should be the flipping poster child for "don't run in flip flops".

Lying in the middle of a dark street contemplating life

Happy Lent....is that a thing...?  I mean it's more of a somber time.  But whatever it's Lent.  Which if you are even remotely catholic it means you eat seafood on Ash Wednesday and every Friday until Easter.  

This past Friday we were super excited to get some boiled seafood.  We were ready for our first batch of Crawfish & Fixins!!!  Since it's just the two of us we ordered it instead of boiling it ourselves.  

Hubs was running late from work so I went to go pick it up.  We were about to get some bad weather so I was trying to beat the rain.  

As per usual I ordered from this little hole in the wall seafood place a few min from my house.  I was in a really good mood.  I had gotten a lot done for work, done some miles, eaten a fairly healthy lunch, cleaned some of the house, ya know just very productive.  

After getting my yummy dinner I headed back to my car.  Mind you it was a really dark street (two lights were out) and it was cloudy so no moon.  I was be-bopping along when it happened.  I stepped on what I thought was gravel.  It was not...it was a pothole about 4 inches deep.  What happened next was in extreme slow motion. 

I stepped and felt the gravel give away into a hole.  My right foot went down.  My forward momentum pushed me forward causing it to twist inward.  I tried to recover but I just couldn't quite get my other foot to come forward.  Instincts kicked in and my arms flew forward to catch myself.  This meant my hand holding my bag of food released said bag of food like a sling shot.  Which went flying about 8 feet into the street.  I flew forward hitting the asphalt on my two hands and left knee.  To release the twist on my ankle I flipped over onto my back.

This happened in literal seconds but it felt like an eternity of falling.  I just laid there in the dark wet street, staring at the clouds, contemplating life.  My brain rebooted and I realized lying in the middle of a dark street was probably extremely dangerous and decided to get up.  

I ungracefully rolled onto my stomach and tried to stand.  My ankle gave out and the ground was rushing back at me when I suddenly stopped.  I looked up through my disheveled hair and realized there was a car about 4-5 feet from me with the driver door open and said driver was currently keeping me from re-face planting into the ground.  

He got me mostly standing and seemed very concerned about me.  Aside from extreme embarrassment, bleeding palms and a gangster limp I was fine.  Don't ask me how but my food somehow survived the shot put throw.  But can I tell you how hard it is to drive a standard with a busted knee and ankle?!?!?

Also, can you imagine being that driver?  Just minding your business when some little blonde throws her food at you and just lays in the middle of the street.  He probably thought I had a medical emergency or something...

Mind you I had to stop at the store after this.  I tried to hide my bloody palms & limp, but the cashier noticed and was like WTF....?

I had to SCRUB my hands to get the debris out.  I wanted to cry but I also wanted it out of my skin!  In less that a week I had blood dripping down my face and then my palms.  I am a hot mess!

Bloody Hell!

But like for real.

So we are FINALLY Mardi Gras-ing again.

*woot woot*

Here's a short story.  We went to Thoth/Bacchus Sunday.

*partaaaaartay*

We had sooooooo much fun!

There was drinking (we had a DD) and eating and just being NOLA again.  It was great!

By the time Bacchus rolls by we've been drinking since like 8AM.  Its spaced out.  Meaning we are giddy but not sloppy. 

I am on my step ladder (because I am hella short) trying to catch a blinky ball for my neurotic dog who goes ape $hit for them.

Mind you we haven't done this in a hot second so I am a little out of practice with dodging things thrown at my face.  Plus drinking...AND ITS DARK!

So hubs is standing behind me making sure I dont get knocked off when it happens.  I am looking at the float, I have my hands up, but something squeaks past and *BAM*

Hits me right on the bridge of my nose.  It was caught on my thumb but part of it slapped me in the face.  I bent over in pain and said "F**king Ow!"

Hubs jokingly says "you're not supposed to catch it with your face" he's all hahaha until I move my hand and there is blood running down the side of my nose. 

I walk over to the only sober person and said "I need a medic!"  I look like I am crying blood. She is like aw hell.  She got me all cleaned up and and gave me another beer...thankfully it stopped bleeding but it f**king HURT!

DAYS later it still hurt.  I have a knot on my nose, a tiny cut, and a partial black eye (more yellow than black).   At least I had fun doing it ha ha ha

We've got a bleeder!

You know how they say animals are mirrors of their owners?  Whether its in looks or personality I can see it and I am sure people see it with me and my fur babies.  

Mine just happen to also have my propensity for clumsiness!  Let me set the scene. It's a lovely FREEZING morning.  The pups are in rare form because it's cold outside.  Neither like to be cold so they both have on sweaters. 

Of course they are not listening.  So there I am still half dying, COLD, and annoyed.  As I was standing in the doorway in my PJs hoarsely yelling for them I see a tiny shadow out of the corner of my eye.  

It took off running and the pups were in hot pursuit.  I yelled and Little Bit stopped and went inside.  Speedy on the other hand had tunnel vision and chased it into some bushes.

He was fine, sniffing around the fence trying to see where it went through.  

I yelled his name again and he turned to come and then let out the most horrifying screech but then came trotting inside.  

So I started to check him to make sure he was okay when I saw a drop of blood.  But he took off running.   I started to chase him and realized he was leaving a trail of blood droplets  through the house.

He kept worming away from me.  I finally stopped him and managed to find the source.  He had a teeny tiny tear in his ear.

The issue is ITS HIS EAR.  They are SUPER Veiny.  So it's an itty bitty cut but bleeds like crazy.  

Can you imagine trying to hold a 75lb bleeding dog still long enough to stop the bleeding?!?!?!  Also, he is a dog.  Do you know what dogs do when their ears feel "weird"?

When I say my house looked like a murder scene I am not exaggerating!!!  There was blood all over him, the floor, some walls, me, and the hubs. 

We finally got it to stop bleeding and cleaned up the mess.  Then he shook again.

Blood on the TV, floor, my laptop, and rug.

Everytime we got it to stop he'd shake. 

He finally calmed down and it stopped bleeding.  So all day every time he moved I stalked him to keep him from shaking his head.  I was a frazzled mess of nerves by the end of the day.  

For 7 hours no bleeding...SEVEN HOURS.  Then hubs came home and said outside but then got distracted and wasn't watching him.  He shook his head.  It started bleeding again.

He went buy that anti bleeding powder and liquid bandage and an ear wrap.  Poor dog.  

We tried just the powder at first but he kept shaking it and bleeding again.  We got it to stop and I attacked him with liquid bandaid.  But he still kept wanting to shake it.

So he got the ear wrap....

He HATES me!  But at least I can sleep knowing he won't shake his head and bleed out while I am zonked out.

PS I did call the Vet...they told us what to do and said they couldn't do more than that since it was such a tiny cut.  

PPS One of the bushes had thorns *ahhhhhhhh*