Tell your sleep paralysis demon he needs to pay rent....and my therapist bill!

Get married they said.  It will be fun they said. They forgot to mention the potential existential terror sleeping next to another person might cause. 

I can't always fall asleep right away when I go to bed so I'll read or play on Imgur or something.  The other night I was doing that next to my sleeping husband (mind you lights are out) when all hell broke loose. 

Hubs: *out of a dead sleep whisper yelling* NOLA GURL!!!! *hitting my thigh*

Me: What?!?!?!!  What's wrong?!!?

Hubs: Something is above your iPad.....

Me: I beg your finest pardon?!?!?!!?

Hubs: It's....on the ceiling

Me: *panicking but thinking ok he's asleep* I don't see anything

Hubs: *grabs my hand in an almost painful grip* *eyes WIDE open*

Me: *about to stroke out*

Hubs: I think it's growling at me

Me: I'm sorry its what.....????????????????

Hubs: Its like growling talking

Me: WHAT?!?!?! *about to $hit the bed*

Hubs: *in a tiny voice* It says its gonna grab me and throw me over there! *points to closet*

Me: Alexa LUMOS!!!!!

Blinding lights come on.  I am sitting up. The dogs are looking at me like I've LOST MY MIND.  Nothing is on the ceiling.  Hubs goes "Oh well it's gone".  Rolls over...AND GOES BACK TO SLEEP!!!!!!!

Cool cool cool you get some rest while I stare into the dark and hope the dark isn't staring back......

Note - He had not been drinking and doesn't take drugs...nor was he on anything like Ambien....

That almost seems like a line in the sand

That’s it…I am so over people!  I don’t get it…. But I will respect it because I am not a complete psycho. 

So I think it happened.  I think I have officially “lost” another friend.  There were a few acting a fool a while back….I thought all was good but I guess I should know by now some persons of the opposite gender are incapable or unable to be friends.  

Again, I have a BUNCH of guy friends.  Completely platonic, male friends.  We are all friends with each other and in many cases each other’s spouses. 

Everything has been okie dokie artichokie so I thought we were past the weirdness but alas I was incorrect. 

I try very very hard not to read into things.  Mainly because it’s exhausting and generally I’d prefer people be DIRECT.  But sometimes you get a vibe and just KNOW something is up. 

So I got a message the other day.  Not a mean message but a message none the less and it was odd.  It was ridiculously “formal” and unlike our normal bantering messages.  At first I was like all good we all have stuff going on during the day.  So I said cool, thanks, and whatnot and went on with my day.  

But later I saw it again and was like WTF.  It’s no longer “hey friend or hey bestie” its just hello or Hi. Or the weirdest is my actual full name, not like my nickname.  Again tried not to read into it.  

But then I made a comment about Not sure if you saw my pic or not and I got the “I don’t think I should like or comment on your pictures.”  Ummmm I’m sorry what?  

1. That’s fine I was just asking did you see it

2. Why did you tell me that?

3. WTF happened now!?!?

Also, I don’t think we can “hang out” or meet up  Which again we live fairly far apart sooooo it’s unlikely but what on earth happened.  Like please please please don’t tell me you think I was like hitting on you because I am friendly and like pack bond with everyone (not in an oogy way, I am stupidly loyal to peeps I click with).   You know (and can see) I have it pretty dang good and actually love my hubs and would NEVER. 

AND I have way too much respect for you and your spouse.  Like do you even know me?!?!?!  I mean I guess it could be a jealously thing.  but like 1. Not a cheater 2. Not my type 3. Did I mention, Not into the whole cheating thing?!?!?

Or maybe we got too close?  But like how….we don’t even live in the same f**king state. Like they thought we crossed a line of closeness…?  But again,…JUST FRIENDS!!!!!!!!!!  And our messages weren’t scandalous…they were generally non-sense and gifs!

So anyways, I doubt we’ll be bantering and hanging out ever again so that blows because we were actually kinda close but hopefully some semblance of our friendship is salvaged. 

Friendship is a gift…I really wish people would cherish and have more respect for it!!!

I answer to no one!

I am nice.  The nice one.  Non confrontational. Generally level headed.  While I will not be a doormat, I pick my battles so to say. 

With that said most of the time I choose not to respond to dickheadery.  Most of the time I will just roll my eyes and ignore when people are clearly trying to pick a fight or being pig headed. 

The problem occurs when you push me too f**king far or catch me at a bad time.  The problem is I don't have to explain myself to ANYONE.  The problem is if you come at me aggressively because you think you are entitled to know where I am and who I am with. 

My husband is literally the only person who is entitled to that information and he NEVER pulls any cards on me.  Plus we tell each other our plans if we aren't going to be together.  Its a non-issue. 

A week or so ago I had a person we'll just say is close to me send me a very aggressive text.  It was after midnight, after an evening of fun.  When I say aggressive, I mean it was all CAPS, a paragraph of anger accusing me of basically being a hypocrite because I went out after not going out earlier in the week.  

I responded calmly at first. Then they doubled down and I kinda snapped.  I am sorry but you do not get to monopolize what I do and who I am with.  So I said so much as kindly as I could but it wasn't my normal niceness or my normal laissez faire attitude.  

Now I am the bad guy.  How does that make sense?!?!?  I am getting the silent treatment.  They are telling everyone they can how I am being a b**ch.  How I attacked them.  I am the bad guy because I finally had enough of the badgering because I dared to do something without their knowledge.   So I am trying to pretend I am oblivious to this because I don't want to give it legs to run on.  But its hella hard because I really want to call them out but I wont.  I wont because that is what they want.  So instead I will kill them with kindness and move on.  

I HATE DRAMA!!!!!!!!!!!!

What timeline is this??!?!?!

Regardless of your political affiliations $hit has gone so far sideways it's not even funny. 

I fear for my future freedoms as a female

I fear for my LGBTQ+ family and friends

I fear for my friends who have more melanin in their skin

I fear for my people who are here on Visas and Greencards

Honestly...I fear for anyone who isn't in the top 10% financially.

Things are scary.  I try not to be paranoid.  I try not to fall into conspiracies. But the way things are going it's really hard not to make parallels to a certain time in Europe... a time where my grandfather had to go fight in a war. A time where Yatzis ran amok.

I'm just...tired and scared.  I don't understand how we are allowing this to happen.  I don't understand how some people think this is ok.  Racism and sexism are running rampant.  They think its ok now to show how horrible they are. But the worst is how they think it won't affect them too.  Newsflash....Billionaires don't f**king care about Joe Shmo from  -insert tiny town name-.  They aren't going to help us.  Why would they?!?!?!  There is no benefit to do better for us.  

All they care about is money and control.  And we handed it to them on a silver platter.  They aren't even hiding it anymore that they are doing shady $hit, they are just throwing it in our faces and saying "what ya gonna do?"  FFS an immigrant who we didn't elect into office has free reign to do what he wants in all gov agencies.  Cutting out the corruption and bloat is what we want but there are ways to do it that don't involve blindly gutting things like the FAA, NOAA, IRS, DEQ, etc. 

And people are still supporting it and making excuses that they are doing it to MAGA.  

I don't know what to do.  I don't know how it happened. But I do know that we are only a few weeks in and not even the onion can come up with the Shenanigans of reality. 

Yo f**k that Guy....girl...@$$hole

 I am so over everything.  I went to a party (yay).  It was an early party and we had plans for after.  

On our way out... we get to our car...and someone had hit it. 

Not just a ding or scratch....like RIPPED THE FRONT BUMPER OFF and messed up the wheel.  

OF COURSE they didn't leave a note... that would be too kind.  

So now we are down a car, because while drivable its pulling hard to the right AND the bumper is dragging. 

Does this start over the 3 or is this one included with the other accident?!!?!?

I can't take anything else.  

My super power is injuring myself in my sleep

So it's been a couple weeks and still no police report from the wreck.  I don't know why but its freaking me the eff out!!!!  I know holidays, etc but still.  

Work has been A LOT.  Like yes its "slower" since Thanksgiving but so much is going on.  Contracts are changing, job duties are changing, my counterpart got promoted which I am super happy for him but like I am getting a newbie on all my accounts and it terrifies me!!!!  I got lucky with him.  I was super scared when he took over because his predecessor was my friend for a LOOOONG time and knew the accounts backwards and forwards.  

But again he deserves all the things, I'm just in panic mode because things are so weird with a few of the contracts.  Then my other counterpart got promoted which again AWESOME but it's just a lot of change and the peeps I depend on are getting new duties.  Its just so much change....good change but I have too much going on and am just trying to not drown.  

My car is being a B....she is functional at the moment but randomly has a battery drain and I really don't want to deal with this right now!!!!!!!

One of our bathrooms is being a Tw@t and has been since before Thanksgiving, but I don't want to call a plumber because again.... TOO MUCH GOING ON!

On top of all this my mother makes me worry about her well being daily (a story for another day), the cost of everything has gone up exponentially & my paycheck doesn't go as far, and my cat randomly got the $hits & stopped eating (she's fine now). 

So in true me fashion, I shoulder it all and don't complain.  DO NOT DO THIS! I woke up Saturday morning because I was in extraordinary pain. Like I ran a half and and got punched in the face at the end.  I went about my day cleaning and went to a friends for dinner.  As the day progressed my face hurt.  Like the whole right side.  I was convinced I had a toothache in the newly refilled tooth.  I got orajel and got home and did a cold compress.  That's when I realized the pain wasn't my tooth, I could chew just fine...it was my jaw.  Like the most INTENSE ache in the joint and from the back to the front under my teeth.  

I thought my jaw was going to lock up it hurt so bad.  Heat felt better than cold so I did that, I took some Ibuprofen and went to bed.  I wake up whimpering at like 4AM. That's when I realized, I was clenching my teeth together.  That's right...for I don't know how long, I have been clenching/grinding my teeth in my sleep to the point where my new filling is so sensitive it almost hurts and my jaw feels like I was punched.  

So I have effectively given myself TMJ due to pent up stress.  I ordered a f**king bite guard so I don't injure myself further.  My dentist said if it doesn't go away or gets worse to come in but he thinks the guard will help.  Oh and I should try to destress.  Cool cool... I'll get right on that.  

That was my three, right??!!?

 I am so over things.  They always happen in 3's right.....right!?  

1. My dentist redid an old silver filling.  Nothing was wrong with it...it wasn't bothering me...but it was like 20+ years old. It went fine.  But ever since it's been STUPIDLY sensitive to cold.  Like that kind of shocking pain that makes your eyes go all psycho.  But doesn't hurt otherwise.  I asked because I thought something was horribly wrong!!!  I was told its normal....it happens...and it can take MONTHS to go away. And to try sensodyne. WTAF?!?!?!?!?  So now every time I drink or eat something cold I look like I have a tick.  

2. I had a premonition a little too late.  I was on a trip.  I was driving in a city I don't normally drive in.  As I was driving there were like 7 accidents on the freaking interstate.  Someone cut me off and I slowed down alot and turned off the podcast I had on.  I felt super uneasy and I said out loud "F**king crazy people, I need to really focus, I don't want to be another wreck on the road."   Literally not 5 minutes later traffic ahead of me stopped, I stopped...a car slammed into the back of me going VERY fast. So fast that my foot slipped off the brake and my arm pulled the wheel to the left.  The impact threw me about 10 feet forward into another vehicle.  This is a nightmare of an interstate, its like 7 lanes and NO ONE was slowing down to let us get off the f**king road.  I was terrified, shaking, calling 911, ya know usual accident $hit.  I was yelled at by a cop who was like "get off the road" and I was like (super nice) "I'd love to but no one will let me and I don't want to wreck again!!!"  Somehow...by some f**king miracle, I am ok.  I was sore for about a week but each day it got better.  I had a gnarly bruise on my thigh (WTF?!?!), a bruised knee (assuming from the dash), and a super tender Abdomen and chest (seatbelt).  I have no idea how the airbag didn't deploy but it didn't and I am SO GRATEFUL because I feel like that would have messed up my face so bad!

3. I got home from my trip sore and scared.  I was just so glad to be in my safe space.  That night I got up to get some water.  I didn't turn the big lights on because I have a nightlight in the living room.  Mind you I am still VERY sore but functional.  As I am walking in the dark, I step on a huge rubber dog toy.  I stepped on it just right so that my feet tangled together and I couldn't get my balance.  I threw my cup and landed HARD on the tile floor.  I was in such shock. I just didn't move because I wasn't sure what I hurt.  So I am curled up in the fetal position...on the floor....hair over my face...in the dark when the light flips on and I hear "uhhhhh are you ok.....?"  And I said "yep...I'm just gonna lay on the floor for a bit" and I heard..."okaaaaay..." and the light went off, hahaha.   I hit both my knees (yay more bruises!!!!), twisted my left ankle, landed on my right shoulder, and clanked the $hit out of my teeth.  Somehow I managed to not smack my face on the floor, so I've got that going for me.  

I don't like you like that!

Ugh!  Why people gotta make $hit complicated.  I am not complex.  If we click we friends.  I am capable of being friends with people of all varieties.   I don't care what you look like, your gender, your sexual preferences, etc.  If we click we click dammit!

And just because we click doesn't mean it has to be sexual!!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!!!  Can I just tell you how many guy friends I've lost because they either can't look past the sexual attraction aspect OR their sig others are like "oh nah ah you can't be friends with a female!"  I am not like that.  Maybe I am naive but I am not gonna be like "you can't talk to your bestie because she's female."  Now if you are always texting her and not coming home, I'ma have an issue but having a bestie of the opposite sex isn't a threat to me.  

Moving on!  I have a new-ish male I consider a long distance bestie.  We've known each other maybe a year and half but we are basically the same person.  We think alike, we like the same things, and have the same dark sense of humor.  He is married, I am married...we have hung out in person a few times and we have NEVER looked at each other more than literal friends.  It's so awesome.  Like we just click.  

Anyways something changed and now I want to punch babies.  We were in person hanging out (with multiple other persons) but our spouses weren't there.  That night was stupid fun.  We laughed so much!  We were picking on each other, cracking jokes, and having an all around fun time.  We learned more about each others pasts and it was really freaking awesome!

The next day we are doing stuff and my guy FRIEND is being f**king weird.  Like weird weird.  Like he's about to jump out of his damn skin.  Bruh WTF?!?!  At one point we brushed arms in passing and he couldn't form a sentence and left the room. Like to the point that one of the other girls is like "um what's his deal?!?!"  

Later that night we go out again for dinner and he's like visibly uncomfortable.  So OF COURSE me the fixer is like pouring on the me charm like trying to make him as comfortable as possible and he seems to chill (Thank God!!!).  We start joking and talking and having fun.  After dinner he's like lets go get a drink. K cool yes.  So we think he's all good now.  

He goes to sit next to me and then like jumps up and practically runs to the seat across from me "WTAF".  So we order some beverages and try to talk but its super loud and he's across from us like a little too far to hear.  He's laughing at the rest of us because we are f**king funny when he gets a call.  He comes back in and has SHUT DOWN.  

The waitress comes back and he's like check please.  It was 7:30!!!! Ummmm what.is.happening??!?!

So we leave and me and another chick are like Da Fuq and are making jokes because that's what we do when our FRIENDS are being sticks in the mud.  Her and I end up going for more libations and he left.  But I was legit concerned I did or said something so I texted him to be like you ok and he was like yea of course we are fine! I could never be upset with you.

I AM MORE CONFUSED!!!!

The next day he's still being weird to the point where we were RAGGING on him because tell us what is wrong man!!!! Now granted when we parted ways he gave me the sweetest hug and was texting all of us later that night.  

For a few days communication was super weird.  Like he didn't know how to act with me and I was like OMG please dont do this!!! I don't want to lose another "friend" because you think I was hitting on you or am gonna try & sleep with you or you think you like me more than you should or something. 

Then suddenly all seems to be fine...I think.  But WTAF happened ?!!!?!?  Did he get inside his own head??!?!  Was he overthinking something we said or did!?!?!?  I try not to be an overthinker but like curiosity is killing me!!!  

I'm not gonna ask because he'll probably get weird again but like AHHHHHHHHHHH!

**UPDATE** I told my BFF (since we were like 5) the story and she thinks he either was overthinking how close we got or his sig other was like "who dis Bish?!?!"  Or I was "safe" until we were in person.  Like I am the long distance chick who is zero threat bc she's 1000 miles away and when we were in person he (or his sig other) got spooked since we didn't have 1000 miles between us.  I mean we have hung out in person before soooo.... I have no idea but I hope he's over it because I miss my friend!!!!!

Riding the Crimsom...Tsunami?

This is 1000% TMI please feel free to skip. 

I know I've mentioned it before but I sometimes hate being a female.  We deal with the most ridiculous issues and 90% of the time its downplayed as NBD. 

Well ya know what it is a Big Deal!

I've had some weirdo issues over the years but this takes the cake.

I'm still uh...fairly regular when it comes to monthly occurrences.  Almost like clock work I know when things will happen.  Well last month things...went...sideways. 

It started normal-ish. My cycle began almost exactly when expected.  Except this time it started with me literally having a breakdown after a night out (WTF?!?!)

Legit basically no other issues.  3 days later it tapered off and I got ready for Turkey Day.  That is where things went butt f**k crazy. 

About to leave for dads and I feel a little something.  Well $hit it came back (not abnormal).  I had the WORST CRAMPS OF MY LIFE trying to have a convo with my cousin, this is NOT normal. I was so sick I barely ate. 

3 days later MOFO is still going, like GOING...like WTF this never happens going.  I get to day 7 and I'm like something is wrong wrong, I've gone through a BOX of lady sticks in 4 days.  

I get to day 10 and I'm like white as a sheet, this is no bueno.  I call my OB and get an appt that day (also unheard of). 

I get a once over and a "hmmm that's not normal for you".  Yea no $hit....  I get an Rx for something to make the bleeding stop and an appt for an Ultrasound in 2 weeks because they think its uterine fibroids or polyps...cool cool...no thanks. 

At this point I am not buying anymore effing lady sticks so I get a cup.  Why I didn't do this sooner is BEYOND me.  Best thing EVER ladies!

Anyways, the Rx slows it down but its still happening.  I bled excessively for TWENTY TWO DAYS!!!!!!!!!  Honestly I have no idea how I didn't just pass out from blood loss.  On day 22 we have shower sexy time and the mofo stops.  WTAF?!!??!  I would have done this much sooner if I knew it would stop it!!!!!!!  Except I felt like actual butthole and didn't want to be touched. 

Can I just say...I know some women deal with excessively long cycles and I...I want to hug you because this was stupid and I hated life for almost a month.  Lets see what the ultrasound says....

Keep your tacos to yourself!

I have so many questions.  

I literally decided NOT to do tacos for dinner because of this article!

What the actual F**K?!!?

This is why aliens don't visit us.

 How can I unsee this?!?!!

Don't read the article it's so much worse.

Actually read it so I am not alone... READ IT

I need to bleach my brain.

Waterboarding with Hand Sanitizer

Being the good fur momma I am, I make sure to get the babies their annuals.  Since I had some free time, I took Speedy to get poked and probed.  

I promised lots of love and treats after and he was such a good boy.  He wasn't barking at other dogs and he laid very patiently by my feet in the waiting room.  We were finally called into the room and ready for the doc.  

Since COVID they are not doing any of the work in the exam room, so he was promptly taken to the back.  

Let me clarify that this is far from him 1st vet visit and he has NEVER had issues in the past. 

About 5 min later the Vet came in looking concerned.  She said "when the tech touched his foot to trim his nails, he started flinging his body all over".  

Dr: Was he nervous in the waiting room?

Me: No...he was laying by my feet...

Dr: Did he get anxious when you came into the room...?

Me: No he was licking the Tech and being a big goober.

Dr: Hmmmm well he's...he's not being aggressive but he's kind of freaking out and I really am concerned he's going to hurt himself or head butt one of us....

Me: Oh no, I don't want him or y'all injured!  Maybe I can try calming him down.

Dr: Sorry....I can't bc of the protocols. 

Me: *blank stare* Ok...I understand...so now what...wait did you say he freaked when she touched his foot...?

Dr: Yes......?

Me: OMG...like 7 months ago he sprained his foot and we brought him in to make sure it wasn't broken....I guess he remembers.  

Dr: o_O Okay... well I guess the next step is he needs to be sedated...but not now.  He's too hyped up.  

So she left to get the pills and I get to bring him back....Yay *plfeet*

But that's not where this story ends.  

The tech brings him back in looking like she went through a tornado. *$hit*.  She hands the leash over and immediately I am slapped in the face with the most VILE smell you can imagine.  I actually gagged. 

Me: OMG you popped your butt!

Tech: Yea....its all over me

Me: OMG OMG I am so sorry!!!  

Tech:  It shot out like a cannon.  

Then she shrugged and left. *facepalm*

So there I am...in a TINY exam room...with a giant lap dog who just expressed his anal glands wagging his tail.  

I did my best to clean him off but my supplies were limited and I was gagging with watering eyes, like full gagging and normally I have a pretty strong stomach. 

The smell.  God the smell.  It's burned into my nostrils. It wasn't the normal fishy metallic smell.  Its was PUTRID.  Like something f**king died times a million.  But I couldn't leave because I needed the pills from the Doc.  She finally came back and was like "Whoa, buddy you are really traumatized". She's trying not to gag.  I have my tee over my face and he's just happy as a clam, trying to give the vet kisses (yo WTF Dog?!?!).

As I was paying, the smell was wafting into the reception area like some invisible toxic fog (F**k me).  Other pet owners are coughing but trying not to visibly react. I swear I saw eyes watering (Jesus Magee dog what came out of you?!?!).  The tech checking me out was like "oh he expressed them didn't he." Yes...Sorry!!!! She's like "no worries...I'm sorry...you have to ride home with him" (Double F**k me!!!).

So we get into my tiny car to head home.  I have the windows down.  The air on full blast but its so strong.  Like I am going to vomit any second strong.  So I improvised.  I found my handy dandy mask and I sprayed it with fruity hand sanitizer which seemed to help-ish.  

So there I am looking like a f**king psycho driving alone in my car with a mask on and the windows down. 

Oh and every few minutes I did my best impersonation of the War Boys spraying my mask with sanitizer to burn the smell from my nostrils.  

I got home, threw him in the yard, pulled the sheets out of my car & febreezed it, left the windows down, bathed his hind quarters thoroughly, stripped down nekkid in the garage, and took the hottest shower I could stand.  

Its DAYS later and I swear I can still smell it *gag*. 

Nightmare Fuel!

A week or so ago it had been raining here in LA for like a week.  Not just a nice Spring shower in the afternoons.  We are talking about hell being unleashed on Earth.

The wind was so bad I thought my house was going to blow away.  It rained so much so fast my street looked like a river.  The thunder/lightening was so bad I had three animals vying to sleep on top of me because they were scared.  It was a fun week.

Thankfully this hell week is over...or so I thought. 

Since it's been raining so much, I've been having to put a lamp on in my office because it's so f**king dark. 

As I was sitting there trying get my day started I heard something.

Scratch scratch scratch

Scratch scratch scratch

I look in the direction I think the noise is coming from and....

On the tall lamp behind me inside the bowl shade there is a MASSIVE shadow.

I have somehow transported across the room.

I am now staring at this shadow trying to claw its way out of the lamp shade.

Its a bug who shall not be named and its dying and unable to get out, that I can see, but its still alive and I am losing my $hit!

So while whimpering like a fool I found a step ladder and some Raid.

I unplugged the lamp, then I created a swimming pool for my new friend. 

It disappeared into the bowels of the bowl and I figured it was dead.  I was creeping closer, when that mother f**ker suddenly went full Independence Day on me.

I screamed so f**king loud. 

Once I deemed it ACTUALLY dead I carefully put my lamp outside....trying not to freak out more and decided I needed a new one anyway....

And I still needed to work another 8 hours!!!!

I said 2021 needed to chill, not FREEZE the South!

So obvi with COVID still running rampant Mardi Gras was cancelled.  Well the parades and formal parties were canceled and I get it, but b**ch you cannot take MY holiday!  

I love holidays but Halloween and Mardi Gras are my FAVORITES.  So even if I can't parade and get silly with my family & peeps, I am still celebrating...in place.  

On Kings day I decorated.  I have Purple, Green, & Gold lights, a Mardi Gras Wreath, and countless beads and Mardi Gras  stuff all over.  It makes me happy.  I mean 80% of my decor was caught from floats over the years but it works.   

We are still doing the King Cake thing because who the eff cancels King Cake?!?!  And on Mardi Gras  Day we had plans to sit on a porch and people watch because although all the $hit is shut down you know there will be people roaming the streets looking at House Floats and other decor.  And we were probably going to go looking for House Floats ourselves.  

Oh right and that's something we did too.  We couldn't go to parades so THOUSANDS of houses became floats you can visit on your own time AND City park did a reverse parade.   Floats in the Oaks, where you drive past the parade.  Look you can "officially" shut it down but you can't kill our spirit.  Mardi Gras is our holiday, we will figure out a way to still have SOMETHING!

I mean look at this, this is SE LA.

But wait...look at the US.

It all over the world. Not as much as down here but look at the Mardi Gras spirit everywhere!!! God, I love my City...sometimes haha

https://www.kreweofhousefloats.org/map

Moving on.  We've had cold Mardi Gras.  We've had years where just catching a pair of beads caused immense pain because your hands were basically frozen.  But this year is about to be a record year for cold.  As of right now when we wake up on Mardi Gras Day it will be 26 degrees with wind chills in the upper teens.  Pardon me but do we know we live in the South?  Like the DEEP SOUTH!  

So Monday we will be shut down for Icy Roads..again.  Hopefully not this far South but only 20 miles west of us they will have possible snow so WTAF Mother Nature?!?!?!

Like I said 2021 needs to...let's go with calm the f**k down! Whatever, I am celebrating something so happy Mardi Gras y'all!

It's like a nest of vampires!

As I was cooking dinner, I noticed Thing 1 and Thing 2 rubbing their faces on something in the yard.

So I go out to investigate and see something white in the grass.  

That's about when the white blob was yeeted at me.

So my fearless "hunting" dogs caught another f**king opossum!  

I thought for 2 seconds it was one of the ones from the other night but no.  This one was not massive but also not small....it was somewhere in between....

Speedy not wanting to leave his prize is circling like a shark.  Lil bit went to the door when I screamed.

I dragged Speedy to the door and threw them inside.  I went back out with a flashlight.

That's when I saw the blood

Wait did he actually injured this one?!  So I knelt down and saw it was breathing *whew*.  Is it *whew*, I don't want it to suffer....

I came in to call animal control since its hurt and of course check my idiots for injuries.  Both are fine but neither have blood on them.

Went back out and it had moved a little but froze when it saw me.  I got closer and could see the blood was on its side by the back leg.  I don't think the dogs did it.  Speedy had it by its neck.  I got closer, it looked like holes...like maybe a BB gun or something.  F**king A, someone shot it!!!

Okay now I'm mad.  I am almost positive an injured opossum came into the yard because some dip$hit shot it!  

My dogs are acting on instinct to catch prey.  They are rough but generally don't injure or kill.  But a human shooting an animal in a residential area, come on.  I get they are "pests" to some but it was hurt.  If you are gonna be a dick at least finish the job.  I called back animal control and left that on the VM too. 

He/she is gone now, hopefully it's okay.  

That Sir, is not a toy!

So my Speedy, oh Speedy has a fondness for proving to me he is in fact a hunting dog, even if he is scared of his own shadow.  

The other night I was trying to go to bed early because I had a race the next morning, which meant I decided at 9:30 it was a wonderful time to clean my house.

Around 10:40 I let the pups out to potty before bed and went about finishing my cleaning.  As I walked to throw something away I happened to look into the yard.  All I saw were two dog butts poking out of the bushes and wiggling.  

I opened the door and just before I can hollar, Speedy yeets something furry out of the shrubbery.

Now I'm running and he is pouncing on whatever it is, when little bit comes trotting out gently holding something else furry in her mouth.

So I start yelling.  She drops it and comes to me, "good dog".  He on the other hand is circling his "kill".  I am freaking out not knowing what they caught, but as I got closer .......

It was a GIANT F**KING OPOSSUM and its baby.  

No really, it was HUGE!  Speedy is literally tossing a 20 lb opossum around like a rag doll as lil bit ran around in panicked circles and I yelled for him to drop it.  

Everytime he starts to go towards the door, he doubles back and pokes it with his nose, like he's trying to get it to move.  Finally someone hears me and comes outside to tell me to stop yelling like a crazy person before going "HOLY $HIT!"  Yes, I know, help me!

So I am standing over something like this....but WAY bigger....covered in dog drool....

....an ugly stinky marsupial with freakishly sharp teeth and its baby...playing possum...trying to keep my dog from murdering it further.

We finally get Speedy to leave his "kill" and go inside.  During the commotion the baby waddled off but momma was not moving.

So we poked it with a stick and it hissed "whoo hoo it's alive".

When we got inside we checked out the pups for bites/scratches (all good) and realized he smelled AWFUL!  I didn't really know opossums smelled funky but I guess that makes sense.  

It's like this musky, dirt smell.  

So at like 11:30 Speedy got a shower and we got maybe 5 hours of sleep.

That is why I have so many shoes!

So there I was watching "The Greatest Showman" for the 1st time (I know I know WAAAAY behind, but I know all the music so *plfeet*). 

Anyways, we were just a chillin' when something caught my eye.  Now mind you, I'd had a glass...or a few of wine but I felt....like I was being watched.  When I glanced up at the ceiling and saw the freaking MOTHER of all bugs who shall not be named. 

Rendered speechless, all I could squeaked out was a "no no no no no no".  Thankfully the sig other knows me well enough.  We both jumped up and scurried away as it hobbled towards us.  Clearly it was dying from our pest control BUT it was huge and still alive. 

I promptly hid in the kitchen and was basically rocking in a corner.  The hubs began throwing shoes.  It ran faster *$hit $hit $hit $hit*. 

It made it to our laundry room door.  He threw another shoe and that F**ker started flying. 

There was a loud scream...it wasn't me....or not just me

We were running out of options...it was blocking the door...and the RAID was in the laundry room.

Two shoes left.  1st one spooks it and it starts flying again. 

I am basically crying on the floor now.  Immediately he hums another shoe...DIRECT HIT!

It's still moving, though. 

Gloves, a dust pan, and a broom later...and its flushed down the toilet...like 15 times over. 

Once I emerged from my hiding spot, I found 6 pairs of shoes...and some legs

Have I mentioned, I hate those things!!!!!!!!

Watered down Harley Quinn

This is why I never try anything new. Okay that isn't true.  This is why I shouldn't try anything new.  The funny thing is...it wasn't new.

So for the long holiday weekend I decided to use some hair chalk and create this lovely mermaid look.  I've used this particular hair chalk a few times before so

My hair was purple, pink, orange, & teal.  It looked AWESOME!!!!  Since I knew it would wash out I wasn't too concerned. 

I began to panic after I swam all day Sunday and still had pigment.

I washed when I got home and saw a TON of pigment in the water.  When I got out my hair was pastels of the same colors and kinda blended.

Don't get me wrong, it looked super cool but...

Monday I was in the Sun all day and sweaty.  I washed my hair again that night.... more pigment in the water...so I washed it twice... I never do that!

When I got out I noticed the Teal and Orange were gone but the Pink and Purple were now faded but very much noticeable.  That is when I realized it was just in the front and tips.  Left side almost a blue and right side pink. 

All I needed was smeared lipstick and intense eye makeup. 

HOW AM I GOING TO HIDE THIS?!?!!?  

Tuesday no biggie but Wednesday BIG meeting.  I washed my hair 5 times Tuesday night and did a Deep Condition (suggestions from others).  Still fairly obvious shades of Pink/Purple/Blue.  I couldn't fix it with drugstore dye. I was told using the wrong shade of blonde could possibly turn the Pink ORANGE and the purple....GREEN. 

Which is what would happen because lets face it....this is ME!  So I got super creative with my hair style today and somehow managed to hide 95% of the color.  The rest looked almost natural with some hair shadow and blonde spray temp coverage....

So as of right now, I have this watered down Harley thing going on with my hair.  Honestly it looks super cute but yea....