How to lose 5ish lbs in an hour

Sooooo I had that thing done.  You know that thing where they remove the thing(s) causing my lady issues.  

Its routine right?  Well yes it is but holy moly its still not something you want to have done.  You are still put under, you are still down for a few weeks, you are still gonna randomly bleed and can't use a tampon or cup.  

I f**king hate being female sometimes. 

I will say kudos to the nurses and doctors for making this as easy as possible.  They put the IV needle in with almost no issues.  They were very attentive and it was rather quick considering, they had to remove at least 2 fibroids, a polyp and then do a D&C.  

I woke up and had to pee which is actually a good sign. But I was also VERY uncomfortable.  Once I was "stable", I went to a room and they got the hubs.  I was feeling very awake which was weird but cool deal.  Now the doc that did the procedure is male.  He is very good but no offense...you cannot tell me what pain I may or may not be in.  You don't have a uterus... you are basing this off of what you've read, learned, heard.  

So when the nurse was like "you okay" and I said no not really.  I really loved that she immediately went get me a percocet. Now I don't like pain pills but I was IN PAIN.  She said she talked to my doc and he was like "give her this for now but the pain shouldn't be too bad.  Tell her to take some Motrin at home if she needs".  

F**k you very much for that.  So I got no Rx which again, I probably wouldn't have taken much but STILL.  Anyways,  I just don't like being dismissed like that.  So the nurse was like you have to pee again before I discharge you, done and done.  I changed and she removed my IV.  Now I was alert but still out of it.  I heard her say something about "this was deep in your vein.  Keep the compression bandage on for____ hours".  Which is a story for another day.

I did have discharge papers so yay. Papers said no dead-lifting more than 5lbs, no sexy time, no strenuous exercise for at least 2 weeks.  And don't get hit in the abdomen, no animals jumping on you or sleeping on the tummy.  Make sure to walk around but listen to your body, get alot of rest. K.Cool.Got it. 

I got home, ate, and slept for 16 hours getting up once to pee and shower. 

I cramped and bled for days, I was SUPER Nauseous for over a week.  Not extreme bleeding thankfully just annoying.  What PISSED ME OFF is while I was still out cold the people without female body parts had a discussion with my hubs saying recovery might be 10 days at most, don't lift 10lbs, walking will help and is fine, can resume all normal activity in a couple days. So when I was still not great a few days later, hubs was like "what's wrong the doc said XYZ". 

I LOST MY $HIT.  In his defense he was listening to what the doctor said.  So what I did was go into GROSS DETAIL of what I actually went through.  He tried to get me to stop...but I didn't because f**k that, you get to hear what bull$hit women go through. 

"Let me explain what all those fancy medical words mean.  While I was under ANESTHESIA. Not mildly sedated...I was under ANESTHESIA. They dilated my cervix.  You know...like when you hear someone having a baby...they are DILATED so many CM.  Well I was dilated some so they could get in there.  Then they slid in a camera with a snipping tool on the end.  They went in and removed the growths and cauterized where they were ATTACHED to the walls of my uterus. After they removed these intruders, they inserted this U shaped scoop thingy.   They used this to scrape the walls removing the excessive uterine lining. After removing as much as they could they made sure nothing was hemorrhaging and sent me to wake up with no pain medication for after. So how do you think you would feel if you had your insides scraped? Do you think you would be functional???"

He didn't make another comment and was way more attentive to helping me after that.  I just hate how it was downplayed.  Like no sir...I get that the doc was like its NBD.  But it was a big f**king deal!!!!  I could tell the ladies understood.  Because my friends and family that knew what I had done were checking on me daily and making sure I was okay and I didn't do too much.  

Hell I stood too long 2 days after having it done and SUFFERED the next day.  I was literally a blob on my couch and all I did was stand too long.  

Being a female is bull$hit sometimes....also no uterus no opinion on how much pain we should or should not be in!

Why yes, I'd enjoy a ballon in my uterus...who wouldn't? The weirdest things always happen to me...I don't know why I am surprised anymore...

Okay so this is going to be a TMI post.  And it isn't about me doing something and getting something stuck in a bad place.  Get your mind OUT OF THE GUTTER.  If you don't want to read a ridiculous story about a medical thing I had, don't read on.  No really...its not gross but it is...well, WEIRD.

You've been warned
.
.
.
.
.
No turning back now
-
-
-
-
-
Wait, you're still here...?!?
!
?
!
?
!




Okay, here goes...



So a few months back my OBGYN (you can still not read on...I'm giving you an out) said I needed to do this other "thing" to investigate my "female issues".  He said the name of the procedure and I said bless you.  He laughed, see I AM funny.  Its called a hysterosalpingogram...yea...yea try saying that five times fast.  Hell just try saying it once.  He said I could have it done at any x-ray lab place and to just make sure they sent him the results.  Okay, sure...no problem.  

Well I pride myself on saying big words...sometimes... so to prove I wasn't a complete moron I attempted to say this "word" when I called to schedule it.  I failed miserably, struggling like Nemo trying to say anemone, and finally just used the shortened version HSG. 

You can look it up for more detail but the gist is it is an x-ray that uses dye injected into your lady parts to make sure things aren't blocked and are of a normal "shape".  Okay, that's fine...I've done the intestinal "dye" x-ray thing, years ago...easy peasy.  Except this one doesn't involve swallowing anything (obviously) so how do they "inject" the dye.  Well I'll tell you...they give you an edited version of a pelvic exam and squirt it in there (and its COLD), no really...I am not kidding.  

So how it is supposed to go, 5 minutes tops:

1.  You sit there spread eagle and they put a speculum thingy in there...you know for better access.  
2.  They slide this catheter thing in, with a "balloon" on the end
3.  They inflate the balloon
4.  They remove something (probably the speculum)


5.  The x-ray person steps back
6.  You carefully slide up the table 
7.  They inject the dye
8.  You see your lady parts light up on the x-ray screen
9.  Fin

How it went for me, not 5 minutes...maybe 20-ish:
1.  I sat there spread eagle and he put a speculum thingy in there...you know for better access.  
     a. He started chatting with me about LSU and other random stuff

     b. I responded as nicely as possible being as I was in a very awkward position
2.  He slide this catheter thing in, with a "balloon" on the end
3.  He inflated the balloon
4.  He removed something (probably the speculum)


5.  He stepped back
     a. x-ray person "Oh no, the balloon deflated", me, "huh?"
     b. Steps up, does something down there and it re-inflates
     c. Steps back again,  "Oh no, it deflated again", me "What tha? *craning my neck trying to look 
        down*"
     d. Steps up, does whatever and it re-inflates
     e. Repeat c-d two more times
6.  X-ray person "Um, okay.  I don't want to have to re-tube you or reschedule so I'm just going to hold this here so it stays inflated....go ahead and slide up the table", me "Ummmmm"
7.  I scoot up the table while he has his hand down in my Garden of Eden keeping that stupid balloon inflated.    Can I just tell you how weird it is to have someones hand partially in your hoohah, with a tube hanging out like some misplaced tail, as you attempt to "gracefully" slide backwards.  And by gracefully I mean not gracefully at all. Think about it though, your legs are bent and there is a breeze and your, thankfully shaved, vag is *waving* "hey look at me" okay maybe she didn't wave.
8.  Anyway, he starts the x-ray and injects the dye
9.  I see my lady parts light up on the x-ray screen, oh cool
10.  "Hmmm your right tube isn't flowing, I'm going to push more dye in" Me: "what, does that me-- ow ow ow ow ow."  Mind you I have a high pain tolerance but it felt like someone stabbed me in the side with a f**king icicle.   Him: "Sorry, should I stop?" Me: *grunts*  "No, no I'm good."
11.  "there we go, all clear.  Everything looks good.  I see no issues but we'll let your doctor have a look see." Yea okay, cool
12.  He removes his hand and the tube and the defective balloon.  As I am sitting up, "Oh careful when you sit up...the dye has to go somewhere." And I suddenly feel like a wet myself...oh just f**king wonderful.

It also didn't help that the guy looked and sounded like one of the squinterns from Bones...Dr. Oliver Wells.  I'm not putting a picture, look him up.  His real name is Brian Klugman.


So to sum it up, I had a squintern doppelganger with his hand in a normally very private area chatting my ear off about randomness like it was the most normal thing and injecting me with dye while I had an x-ray...good times....