Ever Dance with the Devil in the...bright sunlight?

 I know I know its a wrong quote, I am being funny.    I think I pulled a muscle and I hate everything.  

Kidding, I'm not that old.  But picture it... NOLA 2025.  Its summer and you are watering plants because Invest 93L was a joke and dropped like NO rain.  Ok it dropped some in other places but not a lot here.  

So there I am watering plants as a favor when something smacks me in the side of the face.  

I had music on so I didn't hear anything but looked around.  I didn't see anything so I went about watering and singing.  When out of nowhere I hear "Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz" by my ear. 

So I look and a f**king wasp hits the lense of my sunglasses.  

 

So I

All while holding the stupid watering wand in my hand. It was like the most spastic water ballet ever.

Meanwhile the f**king wasp kept coming.  So I am like screaming nonsense at this little flying demon. 

I finally dowse it in enough water it flies away.  That is when I realize I have like 20 notifications on my watch and I hear laughing.  

The ENTIRE ordeal is caught on the freaking Ring Camera and the laughing I hear is the person I am doing this favor for and his friends WATCHING ME FIGHT AN "INVISIBLE" THREAT!!!

Apparently he saw the alert I was in the yard and was bragging (AW) to his friends how awesome I am to take care of his plants.  And when he opened the camera to tell me hi.... the above happened.  Which was apparently very entertaining. 

His friend "we could go viral if we upload that!!!!"

Cue MORE laughter.  Yea yea yall live it up....I'll just go waterboard some wasps.  

I shall name it Houdini...then kill it! After screaming like I'm being murdered and having a mini freak out in the back yard....

Sooooooooooooooo I HATE one thing about living in the South.   While I don't like the heat, humidity, hurricanes, etc...those aren't what I am talking about.  I am talking about bugs.  Not all bugs...one in particular!

Right, so we all know which bug I am referring to.  If not see here and here and here. 

Moving on, Saturday night was just like many other Saturday nights.  I was being a bump on a log watching mind numbing TV.  As per my usual routine I let Speedy out to tee tee, hubs was asleep on the couch.  I opened the back door and *BAM* something jumped...ONTO MY FACE.  I squeaked a little but I realized it was frog.  Listen here buckaroo, you don't want to come in my house, you will get eaten.  So I maneuvered him off my face and into on of my potted plants.  Speedy and I were star gazing listening to the fiesta across the street (not super loud but I could hear the music).  After a bit we went back to the door. 

Now mind you I had no outside lights on (I was star gazing) so the only light is from the Moon and the little showing through the closed blinds.  I turned to open the door.

Cool, no frogs or lizards!  I turned back to Speedy with my hand on the knob and pushed.  (this all happened in SECONDS)

What...?

*Jumps back* WHAT?!? while my eyes zero in on NOT A F**KING FROG

Speedy pushes the door the rest of the way open to go in as I yell "Nooooooooooooooooooooo!"

The f**ker is half dead thanks to my fumigation so it kind of just falls off the door...onto the dog.

He jumps
I scream for real
he realizes whatever is on him is not letting go AND mom is freaking out
He runs INSIDE 
F********k  *still freaking out* trying to get the dog out of the doorway
He shakes
It takes flight
I run back outside losing my god dammed mind
I am yelling "its inside, its inside"
Speedy is trying to find and kill whatever is distressing mom
Hubs is trying to figure out why I am losing my mind while still half asleep
Not wanting this thing to disappear IN my home I run in screaming ala William Wallace, shoe raised in hopes of Victory
Its f**king M.I.A.
*$hit $hit $hit*
Then I see old lady stalking my couch
She dives
It comes running out at top speed (well top speed being half dead)
Speedy goes for it
Old Lady goes for it
I go for it
Hubs yells "what the f**k is going on?!?!?!"
I beat the creature into oblivion with my shoe while the animals watch
As the haze clears I hear "I think its dead..."
I smoosh it one more time for good measure
Hubs goes to sweep it up
It flips over and attempts to run on like two legs with its guts hanging out
I start screaming again
Hubs is freaking a bit
The dog is barking
The cats are stalking
Our neighbors have now turned OFF the music and are listening to this fiasco, I assume
I throw my shoe at it and it stops moving
Hubs flings it out the door with the broom and we slam the door and lock it...because, ya know, bugs don't come through locked doors *rolling eyes* 

How the hell am I supposed to go to sleep after that?!?!!?  I couldn't.  Every time I shut my eyes, all I saw were those bugs flying at me.  I am getting chills now just thinking about it *shudder*. 

But seriously, I don't know where the thing came from.  One second it wasn't there and the next it was at eye level twitching its little antennas, taunting me!!!!  I didn't here it flutter past my head so I don't think it flew to the window... I just don't know...

Mother Nature's Revenge, also known as "Adventures in Gardening"

So either Mommy Dearest is sending evil minions to scare the $hit out of me OR she approves of my effort to try and be "greener" and is sending me "friends".  Either way I've seen creatures I didn't know existed...or didn't want to know existed. 

Let's start with "cute" and go from there...

Awww a pretty little butterfly *le sigh*...until you realize it lays eggs all over your citrus plants which hatch into "bird poop" caterpillars that eat everything in sight...ewwww

Not my pic

Hi! Let me in, please.

I feel like he wants to be my friend.  How can something furry and smiling be evil (hmmm, looks can be deceiving, you stay outside)

More cute and furry!  What kind of beautiful creature will you grow into???

Mothra is that you?!?

OMG what is that?!!?!?

Why are you so big?

What do you want?

Why aren't you yellow 

anymore???

Well, well, well what are you?  Another pollinator?  You look pretty

Not my pic

Not my pic

Hmmm what are these...?

Wait why is my squash dying...? WTF did you put in my SQUASH?!?!

Not my pic

Not my pic (but freaking accurate!)

I should have known! 

Clearly you are evil!

I have a winged Sith living in my yard...

What on Earth are you???  Why are you on my tomato plant, bad caterpillar! And why do you have caterpillar dreads?  *google search* Oh okay, you are a Hornworm (and you will have a new home soon) *keeps reading* "Tiny wasps also help to manage this pest by laying eggs inside the caterpillar's body." Ummmmm. "Next, the wasp larvae chew through the caterpillar's skin to pupate. Each white object you see on the caterpillar's body is the cocoon of one of these wasps."  Holy $hit!  *Source* Nature is RUTHLESS!  *Mental Note* Don't piss off braconid wasps. (No but really, don't kill them, they are good guys! The wasps not the green thing)

What kind of wacked out Arachnid are you?!?!  While I am glad you are on the other side of the glass, I'd rather you not make a home in my yard (unless you kill other things that will kill my plants).  I think it might be some sort of baby Crab Spider (Diaea Dorsata). 

Then there is this EVIL thing.

"Satan's Pet"

Yes it is dead.  No I am not sorry.  It was huge, and territorial and there were 5 of them.  It's some sort of wasp (Cicada Killer) and apparently it thought it could "squat" in my yard.  There was a battle...we won...losses were necessary (on their side).