Heeeerrrreeee Lizard, Lizard, Lizard

 

Hahahaha, GOD the 90's were a time!!!  There was a whole f**king campaign with this adorable chihuahua trying to catch Godzilla with TACOS!!!  But this isn't about the 90's or about Taco Hell but it is about Lizards.

I have no issues with reptiles.  I will hold them, rescue them, protect them.  I'm cautious but I am not scared of them.  

So the other day I go to let the puppers out and something large and brown comes running out from under the end table.

I thought it was a bug who shall not be named!!!  It was not...it was a dark brown lizard.  Well friend you do not want to me in here, my cat will eat you!!!

He let me pick him up with no issues.  That's when I realized he was full of dust, kinda dehydrated and OMG he's missing a tail and front feet!!!!!!  Oh buddy...I see you met Demon Spawn.  

If you don't know...cats are @$$holes and will literally play with something to death.  

So I brought him outside and put him on the table.  He was alive but didn't run off.  I mean no front feet...jesus!

I got a small plate, put some water, and put him on the edge.  Honestly I figured he would die from shock or something.  

A hour or so later he was moving around in the water and was way more alert so I left him be.  

After work he was gone so I figured he moved on or was eaten by a bird.  I was hoping for the former.  

Since it's already warming up to Satan's armpit around here I've been watering the plants daily. As I am watering the Aloe on the patio something comes flying at my face. 

It's a lizard.  Its a tailless lizard.  It's a tailless lizard with no front feet.  

I don't know how smart lizards are but this one seemed to recognized I saved it and was no longer scared of giant hairless ape lady and seemed content to chill on my arm.  I kept watering and he hung out until he was ready to go back in the aloe.  

It's been over a week and Lt Dan still pops out of my Aloe plants.  All I can assume is he's adapted to no front feet and is eating flying insects that land in the aloe.  Like I know he can't climb so he has to be jumping (?) with his back legs... I guess.  

Do you wanna know how I got these scars?

So obvi I love animals.  That much is VERY clear.  But sometimes I still want to punt @$$hole animals into traffic.  I would never do that but geeze do they push my buttons!

So not my cat loves to run off anything alive that tries to invade "her" territory. 

She's always there lurking out of sight and comes running when she thinks she is needed.  The ONE TIME she wasn't lurking nearby....I actually needed her!!!

I was in my front yard...minding my own business when some cat with a $hit attitude decided to pick a fight.  I am not scared of cats so my initial reaction wasn't fear but within a split second I realized "this mother f**ker about to attack me".

He/she hesitated but not enough.  They got near my face but I was already swinging my arm to block so I slapped the $hit out of it and it ran off.  In my shock I wasn't really sure what the f**k happened.  

I felt my nose running so I wiped it and saw blood.  Immediately my brain caught up and the pain shot through my nerves.  I ran inside only to see my face GUSHING blood.  

I tried to rinse it off but the blood kept coming.  I basically tried to drown myself in peroxide because at this point every scenario of stray cat issues was streaming through my mind. 

I called a nurse friend as I tried to staunch the flow.  She gave me some advice...because I live in the US and no matter what your political views are you have to admit our healthcare system is F**CKED UP!  So rather than spend $1,000+ at the ER/Urgent Care, I got basically the same care/advice from her, as long as the bleeding stopped and it didn't swell/get red. 

After scrubbing my wounds, stopping the bleeding, and putting treatment on them I got back to work 

Thankfully with my nurse's advice and constant attention, no infection and minimal scarring.   

I've not seen psycho kitty since but not my cat has been around.  And I tell her everytime I see her, where were you when I needed you!?!?!  I was attacked!!!!  And she purrs and demands scritches.  Dammit cat, if you are going to hang around at least be useful!

Can you accidently open a portal by just WATCHING those stupid TV shows?!?!?!

I spooked myself so bad.  I was home alone *doh* and decided to watch Sunday night TV.  Normally I watch the FOX lineup and Downton Abby but FOX had on The Passion Live (which I watched) and well the other one ended *wah*.  What does any normal person do after watching a live action bible story...they watch the new episode of "A Haunting", duh! 

Mind you prior to the live show I was watching reruns of A Haunting....like all day!  I clearly watch these kinds of shows all the time.  A Haunting, My Haunted House, Paranormal Lock down, Paranormal Survivor, Ghost Hunters, Celebrity Ghost Stories, Paranormal Witness...I think you get the idea.  And while sometimes they give me the heebie jeebies, I am not usually scared...most times I'm just intrigued.  I mean I know some people are nutters but they can't ALL be making this $hit up...right?!?!

So as I said it was a NEW episode of A Haunting so I was like sure why not *BAD IDEA*.  This episode was about a DEMON that attached itself to a young girl. 

*quick recap* Her dad died before she was born. Weird $hit starts happening in the house like 9 years later. They think its dad.  Little girl sees dad.  Its not dad, it morphs into this horrifying creature with f**king cat eyes (oh hello "yellow eyes"...watch SPN).  It DRAGS the little girl around the house, hides in the closet/bathroom/HER BEDROOM and is very violent.  I'm freaking out a bit...this is kind of scary.  

Moving on, I go to bed a little spooked but I am fine.  As I am showering I heard a noise so I opened my eyes and see a distorted face staring at me through the curtain, *yipahhhhhhh*...Dammit dog...quit being creepy. I finish up and go to lay down.  Speedy starts going BAT$HIT crazy.  Ummmm...dog....Dog...DOG...STAHP!  He is barking and growling at me.  He is BITING at my arm and literally pulled me off the bed.  He stopped...I got back in bed and he went ape$hit again pulling on my arm.  "What is wrong with you?!!?!"  It started to hurt so I yelled and he stopped.  I laid down and he climbed on top of me...growling...NOT at me, just in general.  "WTF dog, it is NOT play time. Go to sleep, you are freaking me out!"

I got comfy and started reading my book.  I was just starting to get drowsy when one side of my closet doors slowly popped open (its two of those two panel sliding ones). *eeeeeep* "Its a cat. *sees cat in my lap* Its the other cat " I crawled to the edge of my bed....no cat.  "f**k, f**k, f**k."  I pushed the door closed.  I attempted to get comfy again...it popped open again, no cat in sight...*sigh* "I'm going to die".  I pushed it closed.  I just laid back down when my door popped open again *staring in horror* and then one of the doors on my husbands popped open *scream* I dove to the foot of the bed and I thought I saw a black shadow go under the bed.  "WTF this isn't funny!!!"  That was the black cat...right....RIGHT?!?!?  Old lady cat starts "complaining" and growling.  "Oh just f**k me sideways, what is happening?!?!!?"

I jumped up, closed my closet...tethered it shut with a rope belt thing.  I closed the husbands closet and blocked it with the laundry basket, then looked under the bed.  Nothing...no cat....*breathing heavy* "Its fine, we are fine...its FINE!" 

I am now just staring at the TV waiting for something...nothing happens *whew*.  I eventually start to doze off and I hear *knock knock knock* *eyes pop open* *whimper* *pulls covers higher*.  I am clearly hearing things.  *knock knock knock* My closet door is moving but can't open.  "$hit $hit...its a cat, its a cat".  *bang bang bang*. Speedy starts growling, old lady runs out of the room.  "OMG I am going to be a statistic!"  I dove to the edge of the bed...nothing *sobbing* "It has to be a f**king cat!"

So now I am going to be the "stupid girl" from the horror movies.  I slowly lowered myself to look under the bed.  I hear a *hiss* and two glowing eyes come darting at my face.  I screamed, speedy is barking, I fell off the bed head first (we have tile floor...OW!) and now have a black cat playfully attacking my arm.  *with a shaky voice* "I f**king hate you!!!! You know that right!"

It was Demon Spawn.  Apparently she wanted to mess with me for some ungodly reason.  She was popping the doors open and then hiding under the bed, I guess.  Her collar is broken so there isn't a bell. She is in super stealth mode at the moment!  

Soooooo not a spirit or whatever...just an @$$hole cat.  

My tree tried to be a ballerina & failed OR Cats are @$$holes....take your pick

So the other day before we left Demon Spawn showed a sudden interest in the Tree.  You know how you know a cat is interested in something?  Their eyes dilate so much they are basically black (one reason for the nickname Demon Spawn) and they do this weird crouching tiger wiggle butt thing.

So she was doing that on the back of the couch while looking at my Tree.  "No!!! Bad kitty!!!  Do NOT even think about it! I will hurt you". She said "Meow" and walked away.  I took that as an understood "Don't touch the f**king tree".

Remember how the Tree is anchored to the wall?  Yea well apparently when dealing with @$$hole felines you need TWO anchors.  We got home to a toppled over tree, a handful of broken ornaments and cats no where to be found.  It had done a 45 degree spin (I think that's right), moved about 2 feet (our anchor must not have been taut), and landed against the couch (I think this saved most of my ornaments).

Tree down, tree down!!!

Once we got the tree back upright we noticed something odd.  I mean besides all of the ornaments being off the damn tree....how'd it do that?!??!  When adjusting the tree there was a perfect hole in the side that was facing the couch.  A perfect cat sized hole.  A hole that was just below chest level on me....perfect height for an old cat to jump.  Then we noticed another hole about a foot higher.  This one was smaller but still cat sized, hmmmmm.

Conclusion one of the cats jumped from the couch and landed in the tree.  The other cat saw their sister in there and decided to join her.  The momentum of the 2nd cat hitting the Tree plus the combined weight of two cats on one side of the tree caused it to spin, moving the tree two feet before it went off balance and fell over causing The Great Tree Fall of 2015.  There are now TWO anchors holding the tree up.  If I get home later and it fell again, I'm gonna murder some cats.

How I envision the Cat-astrophe going down (based on the evidence):
Old lady: Hmmm I haven't climbed the Christmas Tree in years...
Demon Spawn: Heeeeeey I wanna play
Old Lady: No...bad idea.  Go away
Demon Spawn: *butt wiggle* I'ma goin'
Old Lady: *hisssss* this will not end well
Demon Spawn: *Leaps off the couch* Ha! 
Old Lady: Hey, I can do that too!!! *leaps into tree* Well that wasn't so bad....
Demon Spawn: See, its fi.....f**k f**k f**k Ahhhhhhh
Tree: *pirouetting* 
Old Lady: Dammit I can't believe I let you talk me into this *jumps gracefully onto the couch*
Demon Spawn: *spazzes out* *tries to climb higher* *fails* *falls chaotically onto the couch*
Tree: I'ma fall now
Both: F**k we are so dead
Dogs: WTF is going on in there?!?!?!?!
Both: Nothing....
Dogs: Can't blame it on us this time