I have so many questions. The first of which being, how exactly does a 2' tall dog $hit 5' up the wall from inside a kennel....?

Soooooo clearly my animals like to test my sanity from time to time.  Its like they have ESP.  "OMG mom totally had a rough day dealing with 5 year olds stuck in adult bodies...lets destroy something!!!"

Yesterday was brutal.  1st day back after the whirlwind Christmas/New Year holidays AND it was a Monday.  That's like the stars anti-aligning or dark zodiac or something.  

After a day of dealing with juvenile BS from a 45 year old, I headed home to relax for a bit before meeting some peeps for dinner.

I was greeted at the door by a dog.  Hmmm that is odd...you are supposed to be kenneled.  As I ventured further into the dark house I could hear the other one whining...well at least one of you is still locked up.  I flicked on the hall light and saw a kennel down the hallway and something on the floor.....

The breakdown:
- *flicked on light* Ummmmm how'd you get the kennel out of the office??? *whine*
- What is that dark....ewwwwwwww...so tummy issues then...? *huff from dog*
- How'd you get out???
- How did you open the back "wall" of the kennel?
- How did you get out AFTER said wall was detached????? 
- It collapses inward...Are you a f**king mouse?!?!
- *whining* *tap dancing* Okay okay, lets go outside
- *to the other one* I STG dog if you so much as look at that nastiness I will hurt you!!!
- I started cleaning.........and gagging.........I don't like being an adult....someone else adult....I don't wanna
- I looked up...how the f**k did you get $hit spray that high up the wall?!!!?? *stands up* that's almost as tall as me!!!!
- Closer examination revealed caked on dried $hit on the bars of the kennel, how in the...???
- Uhhhh so we had the accident while still locked up...I'm so confused!!!
- Then we broke out...? *whine* *sneeze* *huff* Right...okay....WTF dog?!?!

Conclusion: He felt ill and freaked out (he doesn't like to be icky).  He kicked the pan out from under the kennel (how? I have no idea).  He "walked" the kennel into the hallway and couldn't hold it any longer.  He angled his butt-hole between the bars, aimed up (how the actual f**k!?!?), and painted the wall.  That gives a who knew meaning to downward dog!!!! He realized he didn't want to be that close to the wall/door frame splattered with what I imagine would happen as a result of eating late night Taco Bell with Extra Hot Sauce and jalapeños after a night of binge drinking cheap tequila and wallowing in self pity.  So he somehow OPENED the back of the kennel and climbed out without damaging the actual kennel, the walls (aside from the liquid nightmare of poop art), or himself.  And greeted me at the door tail wagging "Hi mom!".

It took me almost an hour to get every remnant of DRIED inky looking goo off the wall, off the floor, out of the crevices of the door frame and floor boards.  Thank god for rubber gloves, disposable sponges, bleach cleaner, and value packs of paper towels!!!!  He went out three times in that hour.  We opted NOT to feed him last night and do the chicken and rice method.  Upon further examination (mainly because the other one kept sniffing his butt) he has irritated (pink) skin around his bunghole.  Secondary Conclusion...he has an actual case of the red@$$ *face palm*. 

He seemed fine this morning...no more flying $hits...YAY!  If he greets me at the door again I may cry...just saying. 

Side Note - After cleaning up the mess, I changed for dinner and sat down to relax for a bit on the couch.  I sat on a freshly coughed up hair ball.  FML!!!!!