Getting old is a b***h!

 Especially if you are an almost 17 y/o cat!!!!

So as per usual I work at my desk and answer the call of the kitty when she fusses.  She is partially blind and walks a little wonky so she gets lost on occasion.  Then we have a Marco Polo conversation so I can find her or she can find me and re-orient her. 

Well the other day she stood up and started fussing.  She looked confused so I carried her to her litter box where she promptly peed.  Okay good deal! 

Then she started walking around the pee pee pads (there for my sanity) and squated.  I was like are you pooping...? Her little legs were shaking but nothing happened, then she walked off.  Okay....maybe not pooping. 

I went sit back down.  Then I started thinking.  I don't think I've seen poop from her recently (the joys of having a geriatric pet...you know their poops *facepalm*). 

She wandered in my office then immediately started meowing loudly! She squatted and her little legs shook and she farted.  I HAVE NEVER IN MY LIFE HEARD A CAT FART!

Girl, what is happening.  Thinking she just had some major gas I went back to working.  But you could tell she was uncomfortable and wandering. 

CRAP!  The cat is constipated.  Thankfully I have some handy dandy pumpkin I can give her.  So I sat on the floor with just a teaspoon or so in my hand.  And told her, "okay it takes a little time to work but it will help."  Because you know she totally can understand me. 

Mind you she LOVES pumpkin.  

So she is under my desk just gobbling up the pumpkin when suddenly she tensed up, MEOWED, and shot a turd (3 times the size of her....um butt) out at terminal velocity. 

It smelled AWFUL!  But all I could do was laugh.  She was a happy kitty again and went curl up in her bed leaving me to chase off DISGUSTING dogs and clean up the mess.  

I guess she got excited for the pumpkin and well the rest is history, HA!

That is basically a collection of dried...drying...spunk...o_O

What the actual f**k?!?!

LINK

Why...I...what....WHYYYYYYYYY?!?!

I always say to each his own but...I dunno...I...unsanitary!!!

It got worse...it got WORSE!!!!! "After collecting them from lovers, friends and even strangers, her condom collection has grown to an impressive size."

 Ew.....ewww.....ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!

"she developed a penchant for the smell of rubbers"

"1,921 rubbers, all of which line her bedroom walls like a museum."

"Her father has even asked his friends to donate their used condoms to the cause." 

WHAT?!?! "Used condom fetishism exists the world over." 

AHHHHHHH! "studies have shown that harmful bacteria can linger for a long time in a used condom" 

JFC " There’s a Guinness World Record for condom collecting. An Italian man named Amatore Bolzoni harbors the widest collection in the world. These specimens number in the 2,000’s and date back as far as the 19th century." 

I can't...I just...I need a drink and a shower....

I blame day drinking...on the beach...without properly hydrating...all while in the blistering sun....

I had the absolute most f**ked up dream while on vacay.  I mean I clearly have odd dreams from time to time but this one was exceptionally weird and disturbing.

I don't recall how it really began but somehow I was abducted by a man.  A very disturbed man.  He was average looking not bad but not super attractive.  He was skinny fit, blondish hair, and scary smart.  He kind of looked like the actor playing the Unibomber on that discovery show "Manhunt" or whatever...maybe I should lay off the crime shows...

Anyways, I was abducted by this person and forced to be his wife.  But not like locked in a basement.  I was taken to a community in the middle of f**king no where and there were other "couples" there.  The kicker, I wasn't the first "wife" he brought.  They said things like "I hope you stick around longer than the last few" (OMG what happened to the others?!?!) *gulp*.

Now, I am not one to be a victim but for some reason I was helpless...like I knew I couldn't fight back because he threatened me or my family or something.  So I played the part in front of others and fought like hell in our "house".  Eventually I was forced to fulfill my "wifely" duties *shudder*...thank GOD my subconscious didn't let me remember that part...I know it happened in the dream but I have no memory of it.  So now this is starting to sound like that Chevy Stevens book "Still Missing".

Side Note - READ THIS BOOK!!! Its freaking amazing!!!

Anyways, this "community" is Stepford-esque but in a setting like "The Village".  I had to wear modest clothing and wasn't really "allowed" interact with the men even as friends.  Also, women were not seen as smart...which if you know me, you know this bugs the $hit out of me, so this part was torturous.  "*shhh* the men are talking, go make me a sammich", etc etc etc.  At some point I realize I am PG but I knew it wasn't crazies somehow (thank goodness).  Guess I was knocked up before I was taken.  My "husband" hates this.  He wants the baby but thinks pregnancy is "gross" and wont touch me (hallelujah!).

I am playing the part to live and get home.  I guess, biding my time to see if I can escape without endangering me or my unborn child.  I wasn't allowed to dance (torture) or swim or run or anything remotely fun because that wasn't lady like and only my husband could see me in that state of undress.  I think at one point I was crocheting, which is kinda cool but I need activity!!!

Moving on dinner each night was in the common area not in the home. One night we had a newbie who was visiting from out of town.  It was this famous-ish person I've mentioned before.  He was the guest of this older woman who clearly was interested in other things besides a friend.  Well even playing the part my personality & intelligence seeped out.

I was punished for this at some point; I think I had a broken arm.  Well this visitor noticed my distress and I guess what I know of him makes my subconscious think he's a good guy.  He was there for a while and would talk to me like a person and not an object which was nice but caused problems with me and my "husband".  Also, he seemed to be not allowed to leave.

It gets a little fuzzy but later he pulled me to the side to find out my real story and I told him we can't do this.  No one can see us talking like this.  He'll kill me...us...he'll kill us.

it jumped a bit and I somehow convinced my "husband" to let me go hiking.  I was only allowed if I wore baggy pants, a baggy shirt, and a hat.  Okay its hella hot but FINE!  So everyday after my chores and other wifely duties...*shudder* (I washed my hands...A LOT) I went for a hike on different trails in the area.  Curious as I am I started going off the paths.  This let me find a gorgeous natural spring with a water fall (where the f**k are we?!?!).  Now my daily hikes consisted of me going to this place, stripping down, and swimming.  It was actually kind of nice.

One afternoon while I was swimming I heard something in the woods.  First thought animal, second thought "husband"...first thought would be SOOOOOOO much better!  I yelled for whomever it was to show themselves and out walks my new friend.  He followed me...oh f**king great!!!

Jumps some more...this is now our secret meeting place (no funny business...just escaping the insanity).  But eventually my story...my REAL story comes out.  He is horrified.  He is captive also but only because his children were threatened...WTF?!?!?  He vows to help us escape and tell our story.

Of course we are discovered by señor crazy but I think I started to wake up so I am not sure what happened.

What?!?!  What normal person has dreams like this?!?!  This is awful!  Like worst case scenario!!  And that's a lot of details...and why was that famous person there?!?!  Yea I like him but I've NEVER dreamed of him before....

Also, I need to stop watching Crime Dramas...but I still need to watch the final season of Broadchurch and I do love me some Criminal Minds/SVU reruns so that's not gonna happen...maybe I should just stop watching Forensic Files before bed...oh and reading...no more reading...yea not gonna happen.

What the actual f**k is happening?!?! Is this crap becoming more common OR are we just more exposed to it because of technology....?

I got a news alert:

Caught on camera: Man pleasuring himself outside Metairie home in front of teenage girl

Me: What the hell?!?!!?!?

Then I read the story because I grew up in and around Metairie.  Also, my family & friends live in the area...yea they have always had some crime but holy $hit this is beyond DISTURBING!!!

The article.

From what I gathered they didn't realize he was there but when they looked at their CAMERAS they saw him right outside their back window IN THEIR BACKYARD jerking off while watching them in the kitchen. 

JFC what a sicko!!!!!!

So he followed them home
Parked across the street
Went into their backyard
Played with himself while observing them

And only ran off because the teen opened the back door to let a pup out...

I'm just glad he didn't do anything worse.  Clearly this young man has issues.  I'm just happy he didn't hurt the daughter or the mom...well anymore than mentally scarring them for life *shudder*. 

Also, I can tell you with 99.9% certainty that if this was at my house and I opened my back door and let my dogs out...that man would no longer have a pee pee to play with. 

And because I need to make myself laugh after this insanity, enjoy this.

I mean it wasn't the third Tuesday of the month or at 3:32A.M. and the sprinklers weren't on but *uncomfortable laughter*

If I don't joke around, I'll cry.