Some people wonder how others can hate the holidays...because drama...plain and simple. Its f**king Christmas people, can't you just be happy...for once?

This is a RANT, feel free to not read...

I'm really trying hard not to be judge-y but as I get older I notice more things that I used to...I guess ignore.  I used to let people (family mostly) get away with the rude or nosy or inappropriate comments but lately it seems to bug me...A LOT.

For instance on Christmas I was wishing someone Merry Christmas.  They asked "so what did you get from your husband?" I told them (very excitedly).  I expected:

"Oh that's so cool!" 
"Oh wow, I've been wanting one of those"
"How do you like it so far"

Something of that nature...said with enthusiasm. 

Instead I got "Did you even want that?".  I...um....what?!?  "Did you ask for THAT?" *Said in the most serious tone*  

What on Earth...why does that matter?!?  If you must know I didn't "ask" for anything.  So I just said "uh...yea...I mean yea I want it." 

The response...."oh, just checking because you've never mentioned it and I didn't know he was going to get you one.  Did you give him something equally expensive?" 

I'm sorry...what?!?!  That is not... wow!  So what YOU were going to get it for me...?  I highly doubt that.  Or do you think he spent to much on little old me?  Am I not deserving of such a 'lavish' gift...from my HUSBAND? I just found this extremely rude.  That is rude...right?  Is this some sort of jealousy?  I'm being serious...because I honestly have no idea what to think.   And no it was not his family or a friend...it was MY FAMILY. 

So to answer the "why don't you come around as much?" question...this is f**king why!  This is why NONE OF US come around as much.  I'm still shocked 3 out of 4 of us turned out semi-normal.  Keep your drama...we had enough of it growing up.  *geesh*

Holy homophobia Batman!

Okay that sounds ten kinds of awful but it was the first thing that popped in my head. 

Its Christmas, right?  A time for peace on earth and good will towards men.  Its a time when being a decent human being SHOULD come more naturally.  Its a time of acceptance and love.  Or its a time to be a total c**t and say horrible things.  Yea I definitely remember learning that last one in my religion classes. 

Me: Ugh I hate Walmart! Sooooo many people *blah*
Person 1: Well don't go to the one on *insert specific location* its full of gay people!!!!
Me: *blank stare*
Person 2: *judging stare* Well that doesn't bother me....
Me: Me neither....
Person 1: No, you don't understand they are like openly gay in that store!!!!
Me:  I mean are they f**king in aisles?  Or groping each other inappropriately...?
Person 2: What happened?
Person 1:  I was there with my Aunt and two BOYS went walking by holding hands and being realtionship-y
Me: *confused* and...?
Person 1: and...?!?  And its like they think its okay!
Person 2: *horrified expression* 
Me: I'm pretty sure it is okay....  But if you don't like seeing that then go to one of the other 10 locations in the area.  I mean did they do or say anything to y'all...?
**At this point I am trying not to start an argument but I am getting annoyed**
Person 1: YES!  
Me & Person 2: Oh...what happened?
Person 1:  *very matter of fact* They were buying Christmas presents and decorations.  They are gay, they can't celebrate Christmas.

Me: Says who...? Hold up, aren't you Catholic?  Aren't you taught to accept everyone?  Love thy neighbor and whatnot. 
Person 2: Didn't you have an affair?  I think that means YOU can't celebrate Christmas.  
Person 1: *shocked expression*

Me: *oh $hit* Um, Merry Christmas....?
Person 1: f**k both of you f*g lovers!  *walks away*
Me:  *jaw drop* I'm pretty sure she can't say that......I'm offended.
Person 2: *laughing* I am too.

This is almost word for word!  I know people are @$$holes but holy $hit!!! I guess I don't usually surround myself with such awful people so this shocked me a bit. Talk about being in the Christmas spirit. 

These were basically my expressions...

I don't think that means what you think that means.........

I hate shopping.  With a passion.  I mean I will do a girls trip or whatever but If you give me the option of "go to the mall" or "sit on my couch and order from Amazon", I am picking option two. The problem is option two means making sure things are ordered far enough in advance to get to me BEFORE Christmas. 

Also, browsing the mall rarely gets me ideas.  But browsing online, I seem to suddenly remember my possibly future sis in law LOVES Harry Potter therefore I should buy her something from the Harry Potter Universe.  So I found this super cool replica of Newt's scarf from Fantastic Beasts.  OMG she saw it four times in the theater...I think she'll love this!  Score it says "guaranteed before Christmas".

So I go through the whole process and am about to hit "submit order" when I notice some very small print.  "Should ship between December 29th and February 20th" Wait...what?!?  

But...but it said Guaranteed before Christmas... I mean are we talking about his possible real birthday because last I checked Christmas was not sometime between 12/29 & 2/20.....Did they mean 12:29AM and 2:20AM...like it'll ship tomorrow morning...?  I am so confused!!!!!!!!!

Well f**k you then....guess I'll find another PERFECT gift for her!

Santa...Baby........???

Right, so its that time of year...Holiday parties!!! We have work parties and friend parties and of course family parties.  What's the common denominator at all these parties...?  It is Santa!  Okay its usually alcohol BUT 9 times out of 10 its Santa also! 

So I was at one of these parties and sure enough Santa walked up in there.  He was a good Santa too.  He had the real hair, real beard, and real belly!  Very realistic.  It was so cute.  The second he walked in all the kids were like Buddy, ready to tell him what they wanted for Christmas.  He was great!  He was ho ho ho-ing and handing out candy canes and just having a wonderful time. 

After a while he popped up behind myself and my friend.  We were talking and didn't know who was behind us. 

Santa: *putting his arms around us* ho ho hooooooooooo!!!!
Us: *giggling* hi Santa!
Santa: Have you been good this year?!?
Us: *dying laughing* yes
Santa: *very loudly* I know you've been good!  *whisper* but you're even better when you're bad *wink* ho ho hoooooo!
Us: *blank stare*
Santa:  *whisper* Oh don't look so shocked *walking away* ho ho ho
Us: Holy $hit Santa is a dirty old man!

"Maybe he been drink de win from de blackberry...On secon' t'ought maybe he lap up de sherry."  

In all seriousness it was f**king hilarious and he was totally harmless but it was still a bit, uh, shocking...and highly inappropriate.  Clearly he was trying to be funny...I hope.

In other news if you've never read/listened to "Cajun Night Before Christmas", do yourself a favor and read/listen to it!  (that's what that quote is from) It is our holiday tradition that my dad read this to us.  I LOVE it!

I have questions....

So the other day I was looking for some nerd holiday stuff to nerd of my Christmas decor.  Today I got an email from Amazon saying one of the items I was browsing dropped in price...SWEET!  So I went look (and bought) but that isn't why I have questions.  I scrolled down to see what else was usually bought with this and saw....

I was expecting...well not that...maybe other Whovian stuff...or at least sci-fi type items....at the very least Christmas stuff...

I mean okay maybe I'll give you the "Exploding Kittens"...maybe... but the knife sharpener?!?!  *singing* One of these things is not like the others... I really want to know how they came up with this.  I feel like ONE person bought all three items and Amazon was like *BAM* "frequently bought together".  I mean I hope that is the case. If multiple persons purchased these exact items together...I'm concerned. 

Santa is not a Demon. You people have gone too far. Stop ruining Christmas with your nonsense!

Look I am all about freedom of religion, belief, choice, opinion, whatever but do NOT ruin something for everyone...especially kids...because YOU suddenly feel like everything that doesn't directly says "Jesus Christ" is satanic.

I saw something on Social Media that made me want to go on a spree.  Still undecided if it was a murdering spree or running spree...but it was one of them.  I saw this:

"Santa's a Demon! The uncomfortable truth about Christmas"

I saw the article linked to a "friend's" page along with the statement that said "This is why I told my child that Santa, the Easter bunny, etc. isn't real and we celebrate Jesus Christ in my house!"

Okay fine.  That's fine.  No.It.Isn't!!!  Your child is 7.  Why would you take this away from your baby?!?!?!  He is being raised catholic/christian.   All of his cousins and classmates Believe in Santa.  Why would you ruin the magic of Christmas like this?!?!?!  Not to mention, if he goes to school or to his cousin's house and regurgitates that, how do you think those parents will feel?  How do you think those kids will feel?  I can tell you right now if your extremest uneducated skewed religious bull$hit spoiled the magic of Christmas for one of MY littles, you better run because I can't be held responsible for my actions.  And you better run fast because I've been training and I am pretty quick. 

Why can't you teach him that Christmas is about Jesus and still let him enjoy the magic?  I grew up believing in Santa and I didn't turn into a "devil worshiper".  This is the stupidest thing I have ever read in my life.  This takes the cake on extreme religion.  I am sorry you are "scared of Santa" but come on.  Do you even know the origin story????  Do you?  Because based on this fear mongering article you shared you do not! And just because Santa and Satan are spelled similarly doesn't mean anything!!!!

Read this.  Yea yea, I know History Channel isn't law but they do a pretty good job when it comes to research...usually.  It is widely believed that Santa Claus is based off of St. Nicholas (a real person). "The name Santa Claus evolved from Nick’s Dutch nickname, Sinter Klaas, a shortened form of Sint Nikolaas (Dutch for Saint Nicholas)." What the f**k is Satanic about that?!?!?!

12/25 is a pagan holiday, therefore Santa is a pagan god.  Hey, again...know your history.  Yes 12/25 is originally a "pagan holiday".  It is the final day for the celebration of the Winter Solstice.  A holiday that was literally hijacked by Christians.  So while you are correct, Jesus was probably born in the Spring, our religious forefathers more than likely decided that it was a time when people already celebrated things so why not use it as Jesus' birthday.  The celebration of Saint Nicholas is 12/6 or 12/19 depending on where you are from...so I guess they kind of morphed together for some of us.  At least that is my understanding. 

Krampus isn't the underlying "demon" hiding behind Santa or Santa Claus' alter-ego, making Santa "evil".  Do you even know how to Google?!?  Or go the f**king library.  "Krampus is believed to be a beastial creature who accompanies St. Nicholas on his earthly journey. While St. Nicholas rewards the good children with gifts and sweets, Krampus dispenses punishment to the wicked children who have strayed from the path of good. It is said he takes care of St. Nick's "naughty list"."  Krampus was created to scare the $hit out of naughty kids just like the legend of Santa has morphed into a figure to reward "nice" kids...so they'd behave!  If anything Krampus makes Santa appear even more Saintly.   And lets be real, you only know about Krampus because of that crazy movie that just came out.  Almost no one here in the states knew what that thing was before so just stop.

This isn't a f**king witch eating a baby in some sort of demon worship!!!!

Link to original pic

This is Grýla.  Grýla is a mythical giantess living in the mountains of Iceland. Most of the stories told about Grýla were to frighten bad children.

My point is there isn't anything Satanic about Santa, Krampus, or Grýla.  These are stories to scare little kids into behaving.  There is nothing pagan about December 25th or Santa.  Unless you are a pagan and are celebrating the Winter Solstice, it's f**king Christmas!  Why do people have to ruin Christmas with their ignorant bull$hit!

Side Note - does that mean that little Johnny doesn't get gifts for Christmas because that is part of the "pagan" tradition? Or are you going to say the gifts represent the gifts from the Magi?  Because if that's the case you should wait until 1/6 (Three King's Day or the Epiphany).  I'm not trying to be an @$$hole...wait, this time I am.  People make me STABBY!!!!!

Oh and while we are at it Xmas (yes I know its a Wiki link but it makes sense) does not mean we are removing "Christ" from Christmas .  It is a shortened version of the word, not meant to be disrespectful. It was happening LOOOOONG before some crackhead in recent history decided to get pissy about it.  I can't put it any better than this response to someone who was butthurt by the word "Xmas": " 'X' is the Greek letter "Chi" which is the first letter of "Christos". You should probably be aware that the fish that's almost certainly on the back of your car "ΙΧΘΥΣ" is an acronym for "Ίησοῦς Χριστός, Θεοῦ Υἱός, Σωτήρ", which translated means "Jesus Christ, Son of God, Saviour" so the use of "X" in "Xmas" actually doesn't violate your sensitive beliefs" ~ Chris Hardwick.  Meaning, if people write xmas, they aren't being jerks.  If you want to write out Christmas go 'head.

My point is stop trying to make something out of nothing.  Stop trying to find evil in innocent things.  Stop being an @$$hole!  If you don't like the commercialism of Santa, fine...but don't ruin it for everyone else.  Be respectful of others just like you DEMAND them to be respectful of you.

My tree tried to be a ballerina & failed OR Cats are @$$holes....take your pick

So the other day before we left Demon Spawn showed a sudden interest in the Tree.  You know how you know a cat is interested in something?  Their eyes dilate so much they are basically black (one reason for the nickname Demon Spawn) and they do this weird crouching tiger wiggle butt thing.

So she was doing that on the back of the couch while looking at my Tree.  "No!!! Bad kitty!!!  Do NOT even think about it! I will hurt you". She said "Meow" and walked away.  I took that as an understood "Don't touch the f**king tree".

Remember how the Tree is anchored to the wall?  Yea well apparently when dealing with @$$hole felines you need TWO anchors.  We got home to a toppled over tree, a handful of broken ornaments and cats no where to be found.  It had done a 45 degree spin (I think that's right), moved about 2 feet (our anchor must not have been taut), and landed against the couch (I think this saved most of my ornaments).

Tree down, tree down!!!

Once we got the tree back upright we noticed something odd.  I mean besides all of the ornaments being off the damn tree....how'd it do that?!??!  When adjusting the tree there was a perfect hole in the side that was facing the couch.  A perfect cat sized hole.  A hole that was just below chest level on me....perfect height for an old cat to jump.  Then we noticed another hole about a foot higher.  This one was smaller but still cat sized, hmmmmm.

Conclusion one of the cats jumped from the couch and landed in the tree.  The other cat saw their sister in there and decided to join her.  The momentum of the 2nd cat hitting the Tree plus the combined weight of two cats on one side of the tree caused it to spin, moving the tree two feet before it went off balance and fell over causing The Great Tree Fall of 2015.  There are now TWO anchors holding the tree up.  If I get home later and it fell again, I'm gonna murder some cats.

How I envision the Cat-astrophe going down (based on the evidence):
Old lady: Hmmm I haven't climbed the Christmas Tree in years...
Demon Spawn: Heeeeeey I wanna play
Old Lady: No...bad idea.  Go away
Demon Spawn: *butt wiggle* I'ma goin'
Old Lady: *hisssss* this will not end well
Demon Spawn: *Leaps off the couch* Ha! 
Old Lady: Hey, I can do that too!!! *leaps into tree* Well that wasn't so bad....
Demon Spawn: See, its fi.....f**k f**k f**k Ahhhhhhh
Tree: *pirouetting* 
Old Lady: Dammit I can't believe I let you talk me into this *jumps gracefully onto the couch*
Demon Spawn: *spazzes out* *tries to climb higher* *fails* *falls chaotically onto the couch*
Tree: I'ma fall now
Both: F**k we are so dead
Dogs: WTF is going on in there?!?!?!?!
Both: Nothing....
Dogs: Can't blame it on us this time

 

Its not like its a mechanical tree tornado, hell bent on killing us...or is it?

So last year we had the saga of Demon Spawn stealing baby Jesus.  This year we have the tale of Speedy protecting me from a tree. 

I personally purchased and decorated the tree...it didn't just suspiciously show up at the door looking pretty. But apparently "trees don't belong inside" is ingrained in Speedy and he is losing his ever loving mind.

I was worried he might pee on it.  Nope he thinks it has murderous intentions.  But since he is part boxer he is 100% goober and its kind of hilarious. 

So we put the tree up to "fall" before we decorated it.  This in and of itself was threatening. 

Speedy:  I don't know who you are or where you came from but I will murder you
Tree: Subtly leans a little to the left
Speedy: OMG its gonna eat me *runs down the hall peeing*
Me: *face palm* God help me.....

Later that evening:
Me: *putting water in the tree stand*
Speedy: Mom.....moooooom!!! Get away from it!!! *growl, growl* 
Me: OMG dog, its just water splashing
Speedy: *nipping at the lower branches* *bark* Run mom, I'll save you!!!
Me: *rolling eyes*

The next day:
Me: *Putting lights around the tree with the hubs* 
Speedy: *tries biting the light strand*
Me: NO!
Speedy: *bark, bark* *growl* *charges tree* Yea, yea you're scared now, aren't ya!!!! *starts to walk away all cocky like*
Tree: Moves because I am touching it
Speedy:  You're on your own woman!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *runs into his kennel*
Me: Wow....

Me: *putting pearl strands on the tree* Lalalalala
Speedy: *grabs the pearls and runs* I shall feast on the entrails of my sworn enemy
Me: Ahhhhhhh! No! Bad Dog!
Speedy: *sad face* I just trying to help...MURDER IT!
Tree: Starts to fall over onto me (for some reason the stump is REALLY soft and not holding well)
Speedy: *bark bark bark* Mom, move! MOOOOM!!! *tugging on my leg* *growl* OMG it ate her!  Convict! Convict why aren't you freaking out?!??!
Convict: *yawn* I'm sleeping, go away!
Me: If you nip my leg one more time I am going to murder you!


This Morning:
Speedy: Oh.My.GOOOOOOOD! It has grown balls!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! How come I can't do that!??!?!  *cautiously sniffing ornaments*
Me: Leave it alone dog
Speedy: But mooooooom...Moooooom...LOOK!  It has things I can eat on it!!! *tries to nibble an icicle*
Me: I swear to God dog...if you touch that tree again, I will tan your hide
Speedy: *boops a large white glittery ball with his nose* 
Tree: Drops the ornament onto the rug
Me: *whew*
Speedy: Ahhhhhhh its trying to attack me!!!! Mom run I got this!!!! *growl* *bark bark* *bouncing around from side to side nipping at the tree*
Me: Nooooooooooooooooooooo!  Stop...bad dog...OMG!
Tree: I'm gonna fall over now
Me: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! *jumps over the couch to catch it*
Hubs: WTF is going on in here? *sees me holding the tree up with no gloves* *sees speedy in attack mode* *blinks* Its too early for this crap....
Me: Um a little help please...
Speedy: Die mother f**ker!!!!!!!

So we used fishing line to anchor the tree to the wall.  All is well at the moment...but Speedy still doesn't trust it.  Maybe he knows something we don't...that its a murderous tree sent by Mechanical Santa's to kill us all....too bad I don't have a Doctor to save us...doh!

Someone help me...I've been attacked by a flock of overly excited fairies

No but really...this is serious people!  You see I decided that for this race I am doing soon I am wearing a Tutu.  Because HELLOOOO TUTU!  And also because its a "fun run" for Christmas.  So I bought ribbon and tulle...its really not hard to make a freaking tutu and it cost a whopping $15.

My first mistake...I was on the phone when I bought the spools of tulle (hehehe).  Meaning I wasn't 100% focused on the task and missed a key word.  Look, I saw SPARKLES...I can't help but be drawn to the sparkles.  "Ooooo shiny" is my catch phrase or something.  I thought it was that crinkly metallic ribbon stuff woven in the tulle. I was so WRONG!  When I got home and opened the tulle I was immediately assaulted by an explosion of glitter.

WTF?!?!?!  And since I had now OPENED it...I couldn't return it...son of a b**ch!  So as I sat on my COUCH covered in Red, Green and Iridescent sparkles, I wondered how my life had come to this.   Rather than dwell on my mistakes I started making my Tutu.  Surely its just that loose stuff when you first open it...RIGHT?!!?!?  Nope *sobbing*.

But what am I going to do?  I am not buying MORE tulle...I am going to use what I have purchased DAMMIT!  So every cut...every loop...every knot I had more and more glitter blanketing my living room.  At one point I sneezed...

doG f**king dammit!

I was so focused on my tutu making that I was unaware of Speedy sitting below me on the floor.  He was LOVING the glitter.

WTF dog?!?!  He looked like he crawled out of Tinkerbell's @$$hole.  Great...  I finished the Tutu, YAY!  But how am I going to transport this to my race?  I am NOT putting it in my car...maybe in a bag in the trunk.  But I'm going to be running in this....CRAP!

All I can envision is me leaving a trail of Red, Green and Iridescent sparkles as I jog my way through the course. F**k it!  I am going to embrace my sparkles. 

Just call me Tink.

And everyone behind me will be like...

...Sorry 'bout ya.

Whatever...

and possibly beaten by a mob of angry runners

Anyways, I attempted to clean my living room, couch and dog...oh and cats...and me....GOD IT WAS EVERYWHERE!!!  Vacuuming repeatedly didn't get it all.  I went shopping two days later and the clerk was like "ma'am you have glitter in your hair." *thinking* "What?  I've showered at least twice..." *said* "ahhhhhhhhhhh it really is the herpes of the craft world!"  As I shook my hair like a crazy person.  This got me some strange stares from other store patrons.  Side note....it has also made it's way into my bedroom *waaaaaahhhhhh*

It has been 4 days...FOUR DAYS...and there is still glitter.  Why is this happening to me?  I think it is reproducing. In conclusion...I love sparkly, shiny things but I hate glitter...unless its like this...

Who am I kidding?!?! I'd hate this....that $hit gets EVERYWHERE!!!  Hose yourself off...then we'll talk.

 

This makes me stabby...I mean like really murderous...*whooosa*...it's October...OCTOBER!

I was assaulted in Big Lots.  I should file a complaint.  I walked in and was immediately bombarded with Christmas EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  There was Jingle Bell BS on the radio, decorations galore and Christmas cookie scents.  I was not expecting this!  I think I started having a panic attack.  I went in there specifically to get more HALLOWEEN decorations!!!  It is f**king October 8th...Halloween is still a few weeks away...I should be seeing skeletons, pumpkins and ghosts!!!  I should NOT be seeing Christmas trees, snowmen and Santa Claus.  Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Don't get me wrong, I like Christmas but I don't need to see it for 3 months BEFORE Christmas.

What's even funnier is I got an email earlier TODAY from Big Lots saying to come in and get Halloween Decor.  WTF, Over!

So, I was fully expecting to walk into a Halloween House of Horrors *whoohoo* and instead I was in a Winter Wonderland *ahhhh my eyes*. 

Dammit Christmas, wait your turn!!! 

 

Why do we need Christmas $hit out now?!!?!?  Who is decorating for Christmas in f**king October?!?!!?  There is still ANOTHER holiday BEFORE Christmas!  After Halloween we have Thanksgiving, at least here in the states.  And I decorate for that too.  Well its fall decor but whatever, you get the picture!  I don't want to think about Christmas until after we all gorge ourselves on Turkey and dressing.  The day after Turkey Day, yea sure cool, lets go get a tree but before then f**k off Christmas! 

This will be me next month