No, I do not want to eat Fido!!!!

Even if its just ice cream....

Link

Why is this a thing?!?!?!   I mean there is that "rumor" that some Asian style food places serve dog/cat as food but you can't look at your Garlic Chicken and say "hmmmm, that looks suspiciously like Mittens"!

"Awww, look how cute...I want to EAT YOUR FACE!". 

Okay wait I say that to my pups but I am just loving on them not ACTUALLY eating their faces!!!!

These are so hyper realistic.  I can't not see a cute little puppy!!!

Ahhhhh, the humanity!

 You MONSTER!!!!

Oh look the whole family can share in the devouring of Fluffy's endtrails.

So do you eat the face or the @$$ first?

That sounds dirty...but really...

This is wrong....soooo sooooo sooooooooo wrong. 

Yea yea I know dogs are on the menu in some....countries and I don't like that but whatever.  I see them as pets so it really weirds me out.

This place is in Thailand so different cultures and such but I am so disturbed by this.  This looks like Little Bit when we got her!!!  She was a wrinkly little psychopath but she's our psychopath and I don't want to eat her likeness.......

You know you have too much money when you pay to put baby foreskin on your face

What the actual f**k Hollywood?!?!?!  Look I get it, you want to look younger.  So do I but I draw the line at Korean Baby Foreskin!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

IFL Science posted this LINK.  I just...what?!?!?

This can't be real.  "Cate Blanchett credits her youthful glow to a treatment that uses the foreskins of Korean newborn babies. Aka, a penis facial."  Oh come on Kate...really...? 

Blanchett told Vogue Australia. "It’s something – I don’t know what it is, or whether it’s just cause it smells a bit like sperm – there’s some enzyme in it so Sandy refers to it as the penis facial."

REALLY?!?!?  It smells like sperm?!?!?  I can't with you people! 

All I can picture is people laying on a table with a bunch of tiny foreskins stuck to their faces!!!!! And that my friend is wrong on soooooooooooooooo many levels.

Its the best I can do.  I refuse to google "foreskin mask". That's just asking for gross stuff. 

Okay the actual name isn't Penis Facial.  "the Hollywood EGF facial. It involves a cleanse, an intensive TCA peel, micro-needling, an electrifying mask, and, finally, FDA-approved Epidermal Growth Factor (EGF) serum."

Hold up, swol up....how do we know its the EGF (Foreskin Goop) making you look younger?!?!  Couldn't it have been the 10 other things you had done BEFORE the dick cream??????

Also, "EGF is derived from the progenitor cells of the human fibroblast taken from Korean newborn baby foreskin" does it only work if its Korean newborn foreskin??? What if we can get you a deal on American or Mexican or Canadian Foreskin...? 

$650 & 2 year waiting list to have ground up baby penis skin rubbed into your freshly needled face. 

If you want a real "penis facial" I'll charge you $250 to sit in a steamy bathroom and let Fetish Frank jizz on your face and then rub it in.  Hell, I bet Frank would do it for free. 

What is even happening?!?!?

Apparently, its synthetically made in a lab...but if it is why does it keep saying Korean Baby Foreskin?!?!!?!?!

Side Note:  When I googled "y'all need Jesus gif" I got the below and now I am so confused!!!

In today's issue of What the f**k is happening....

I saw this:

Link

So let me get this straight.  You created an ad that, like a pregnancy test, can tell if you are pregnant.  Therefore revealing a coupon for a crib.  Okay.  Right.  There has got to be a better way to do this!!!!!  Because after pissing on this you have to bring it to the store to use the coupon.  I'd hate to be the cashier getting handed a bunch of pee soaked coupons.  Just the levels of gross.  Y'all!!!! I know its only in Sweden now but...ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.  Do y'all hate your employees?!!?!?

A close second WTF was this (not gross):

Is this for real?!?!?!  First of all those are two very conflicting things.  Frozen vs Hot....we are talking opposites here.  Did you miss that day in kindergarten???

This exists...the word you were looking for is Milkshake.  Or McFlurry, Frosty, DQBlizzard, etc.  Just make it with Chocolate ICE CREAM or chocolate syrup or whatever!

My husband had to peel me off the ceiling....

Okay not literally but close.

So I get this quarterly box from Fortune Cookie Soaps (FCS)...they also do a monthly box but I don't need that much beauty stuff (or do I?).  Anyways, I never signed up for that. 

Flash forward to August.  They announce the September Box will be HALLOWEEN THEMED!!! So I did what I said I wouldn't do an signed up for the damn box. 

So I get it (this was last month) and I am so excited I am about to pee on myself .  First things first...I opened the box and f**king screamed.  Not bloody murder but still *ahhhh* *giggle*. 

God Dammit!!!  Also in the box were fake maggots *rolling eyes*.  Its Halloween...yea yea yea.  So I am INSANELY excited.  Everything smells AMAZING!  I tried almost all of it within a day or so. 

Moving on.  I don't take baths normally...I take showers.  If I do, I don't usually use bubbles, bombs, oils, etc because my body is stupid and I usually have reactions that I'd rather not deal with.  With that said this box came with a bomb.  Its all natural/handmade stuff so I figured "Awww f**k it, ONE BATH CAN'T HURT." 

This was the bomb:

CAMP CRYSTAL LAKE BATH BOMB

Ingredients: Sodium Bicarbonate, Citric Acid, Zea Mays (Corn) Starch, Pure Dead Sea Salt, Magnesium Sulfate, Sweet Almond Oil, Fragrance and/or Essential Oils, Cosmetic Color.

OMG It's Jason, totally trying it.  Problem...I didn't READ the f**king description.  

"You’re doomed! You’re all doomed. There is a curse on Crystal Lake, a death curse. You’ve been warned. When you use this bath bomb, it’s followed by shadows and scents of peachy rings, lemon drops, and woodland flowers. Beware! There's a surprise inside..."

Anyways, I got all comfy in my hot bath and drop the bomb *giggle*.  It fizzed a bit.  Its blue and white *cool*.  Smells DELICIOUS *double cool*.  As the bomb fades away to the end red starts trickling out "Ewww...but okay cool".  I was leaning back relaxing when all of a sudden, something touched my leg 

"OMG there is something in the water with me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

I see this:

I jumped out of the f**king tub so fast I almost fell over the commode.  

Not realizing the commotion I caused, I was surprised when the significant other walked in.  He was like "WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU" as I stood there naked and dripping all over the floor.  I pointed at the tub...he laughed at me..."Its plastic crazy lady".  Oh...OH....GOD DAMMIT!

So yea, they got me...like got me good.  So just in case you are wondering my heart works just fine...

 

Also, no weirdo reactions (sweet) aside from having a minor cardiac event. 

It's not a f**king storage cubbie!

LINK

Stop putting weird $hit in your vajayjay!!!!

Things you can put in your lady parts:
- fingers
- penises
- fake penises
- feminine hygiene products
- Lubes/Creams made for it
- Other toys MADE to put in there

Things you should NOT put in your hoohah:
- Syringes (WTF MAN?!?!)
- Money (Ewwwww, have you seen that special about how germy money is?!?!)
- Pills (that $hit can be ABSORBED into your...look its just a bad idea and makes me think of instant DEATH)
- Weird herbals suggested by that wacko celebrity
- Honestly if you have to think "hmmmm, should I put this in there"; you probably SHOULD NOT!

But seriously drugs are BAD.  Don't drink and drive...don't get high and drive...don't drive impaired...just STOOOOOOOOP!  

Also, I remember a few years ago a friend of mine who works in the ER admitted someone with a...wait for it...SUNGLASSES CASE stuck in the peesh.  Not like a tiny travel case.  Like those MONSTER things you see at Sunglass Hut for designer glasses....STOP PUTTING WEIRD $HIT IN YOUR HUMP HOLE!

"waiter, there is a hair in my soup"

"Ma'am, its attached to your finger nail"

LINK

No...just no...JUST NO!  I feel like I have to state I really don't care what your fashion style is but this seems incredibly unsanitary.  There is a reason humans don't have hairy fingers...well evolution but can you imagine what would live in finger fur?!?!?!

Seriously give it a think...I'll wait....

Were these the progression of your thoughts...because they were mine the more I thought about it...

You are amoebas on fleas on a rat...whose eating its own tail because it would rather watch Aladdin than buy a f**king pizza!

I'm ranting again, feel free to skip this....

If people, countries, companies, etc could learn NOT be greedy that would be greeeeaaat.  But instead everyone wants billions of dollars...because a mere million is child's play.   I'm not really sure what I believe as far as how things should be run globally.  I'm kinda right down the middle on most things.  With that said the COST of everything has become a serious problem.  Each year it becomes more and more expensive to live BUT we only get a meager CoL increase.  And some people don't even get that.  So we have to cut back in other places...not go on vacations...whatever.

Once place we cut was cable.  I couldn't justify it anymore.  I WILL NOT pay over $200 to watch f**king TV in the evenings.  Do you know what I can do with $200?!?!   And I'm not signing another "its not a contract, just an agreement"...yea potato, potahto.  So we opted for internet only and stream stuff.  So I pay currently $50 for internet, $9.99 for Netflix, $40 for PlayStation Vue (only to watch live sports really...do you know how f**ked up that is?!?!).  So $100 a month.  Well right now only $59.99 because I canceled PSVue until I need it.  Still way more than it should be but I can watch everything I want and save $100+ a month.

Then I got a notice from my cable company...if I stream more than 1TB a month I get charged.

While that is a lot, when you are streaming EVERYTHING and working from home that cuts it a little close.  So during the day if I don't have a show I want to catch up on, I have my $17 HD Antenna watching reruns of SVU and Criminal Minds or whatever I can find on regular TV.  

I can deal.  I had to pay to get the Season Finale of Doctor Who (I wanted to nut punch BBC when they removed their shows from Netflix!).  One of the 1st to say "I have enough content, buy it from me, not Netflix".  So I can get SOME of their shows on BBC America website but they are only out there for a month or so and I missed the cut off.  It's not on Hulu.  Amazon Prime has it but only older seasons and no Classic Who.  Seriously angry about this!  CBS is another one.  I watch 4 shows on CBS...about to be none because I don't want to pay $5.99/mo JUST for CBS!!!!

While this crap angers me, I got over it because I still have a lot to watch.  Then I see this....

LINK

F**K YOU DISNEY!  Now you want to have your own streaming service!?!?!  I don't have kids but I enjoy Disney.  I watch Disney movies...and Star Wars....and Marvel...and don't forget these greedy bastards also own ABC.  So does that mean ABC will be gone from PSVue like CBS???  What about the Netflix Original Shows of Marvel Characters...Jessica Jones, Daredevil, Luke Cage...what does this mean for them down the line?!?! By the time its all said and done one of two things is going to happen:

1.) Cable will be cheaper than 15 different PAID streaming services these greedy cunt lickers are creating so cord cutters will go back to cable (something I really don't want to f**king do).

2.) The networks will all implode and Netflix/Hulu/Amazon original programming and movies will be the new norm.  Our favorite shows will be gone or picked up by one of these three. WHICH if I did all three it would be $30 a month + internet.  Cheaper than what I have now!  Of course I'm sure they'd raise the prices because...GREEDY!

C.) Cable will be hurting so bad internet prices will skyrocket and the whole thing will just collapse.

     2b) Pirating will be more the norm and it will all still come crumbling down.

Look people can't afford this $hit!  We cut the cord because y'all were raping us on cable prices.  We stopped going to the movie theater because who the F**K can afford $30 JUST for tickets for 2 people!?!?!?!  Now GREED has caused you cum guzzling whale vaginas to try to get my hard earned money in other sinister ways.  No matter what we do, we can't save money.  If I have to start choosing between groceries or T.V., I'll go get me some groceries and find something else to occupy my time.

Why can't everyone be like The CW.  Most shows are there the next day and out there for a few weeks.  You don't need to login with a cable provider or buy anything, it's just there!  And their shows are on Netflix.  Thank you CW, please don't change.

I hate this.  I really really really hate this.  You can't tell me Disney NEEDS money.  $hit just to go to Disney World is $4k easily with kids.  Just me and my hubs (two adults being thrifty) it was right under $2k for 6 nights.  Things don't have to be this expensive but supply and demand blah blah blah.  If demand goes up prices should go DOWN not up.  But noooooo that isn't how it works *rolling eyes*.  I"m not an economist, don't crucify me.

I'm going home to NOT watch T.V., cook dinner, and have a glass of wine.  Maybe I'll read a book. F**k you very much Disney, you just pushed a fairly loyal consumer over the edge.

Also, I'm going find me a Voodoo Priestess to do the VooDoo on you.  I hope this f**king crashes and burns and Disney loses their @$$es.  I don't usually wish ill on anyone but I am angry today.

SIDE NOTE - notice how I didn't lump the HBO/Showtime/Cinemax in here?  You know why?  because those have ALWAYS been premium channels.  We've ALWAYS had to pay extra for them.  I am okay with that.

This is why I make my husband do it!

I am not a "the man does this around the house" or a "woman's job is ___" kinda girl.  Do what you feel comfortable doing and ask help with the rest.  Right?  Right!

Anywhos, I decided to do something I rarely do these days.  I decided to bring the trash bins to the curb.  I will take the trash out to the bin but I don't usually bring the bin out because it tends to be quite hefty.  Well since I was home alone and I didn't want to forget...I decided to be helpful and do this minor task.

I walked up to the bin and pulled...it doesn't budge.
OW! WTF is in here?!?!
So I grab and *heeeeaaaaaave*...no
Hmmmm....

Now a logical person would have OPENED the bin to see What the f**k was going on.  I am not that person.

I did a two handed grab and leaned back with all my weight...it barely budges.  *grrrr*

*spit, spit, rub* (jk that's gross).  I grabbed and pulled with all my might & weight.

It starts to tilt...yes...YES!  Then the weight of it pulls it all the way down and out of my grasp...no...no...NO!

It hits the ground, the lid flies off and PUTRID...I mean absolutely RANCID water comes sloshing out...ALL OVER ME.

*ahhhhhhhh*  I'm not talking about a little water...we are talking GALLONS.  It must have been half full of water.  But also full of...trash.  It contained cat litter, kitchen trash, bathroom trash, dog poop bags, and God knows what else.

It smelled like something died, baked in the sun, was eaten, vomited up, eaten again...and then that creature died too.  Just pure nasty and I was COVERED IN IT!

I did something I would usually not do. I....I...*gulp* I....*shudder*....I scooped up the limp wads of trash goop that washed out with my bare hands that were already covered in stinky brown water.  Picked up the bin.  Walked it to the curb.  Calmly walked back to my door...hid behind my car...and stripped off my clothes, while dancing around  saying "gross gross gross gross." 

I am not sure anyone saw me...but if they did, they got a great view of me in my bra & thong as I bolted into my laundry room.

I tossed everything in the wash, stripped off my undies, and took the HOTTEST shower I could stand.

Either the smell is still on me or its just burned into my nostrils bc I can still smell it.....

I don't know what divinity I pissed off but I am sorry...please stop torturing me!!!

This is just so wrong...WRONG I tell you....

Is it hot in here?  Am I blushing???  What sorcery is this??? Flag your porn Wizard World! 

JFC that should be illegal!  Doesn't he know what this does to people?!?!  He clearly knows what this does to people...... 

Seriously.......

Well here's wishing Mr. Drive Women (and Men) crazy with your...well everything a very Happy Birthday (April babies are still better, ha!).  I'm going to go stick my face in the freezer.  Bad celebrity, bad...no...torturing your poor little fangirls like that!

Side Note - I didn't realize I was fangirling over him earlier on his B-Day.