Did...did you hear that...?

So in my effort to move back into my GD house I have been on a cleaning spree.  Just the immense amount of dust is...it's just overwhelming. 

Anyway, I rented one of those small upholstery cleaners to deep clean the furniture. 

I was alone minding my business DEEP cleaning the sofa when I heard a noise.

I looked around but didn't see anything.  A little while later I heard it again.

I turned off the machine and waited to see if I heard it again.

I went to continue cleaning but decided to close the backdoor.  I had it open but with the screen closed.  

Then I heard it again.

I tiptoed in silence around the house but found NOTHING.  It was time to empty the dirty water bin.  As I was bent over unhooking it I heard a scuffle.

Again nothing around me and no other noises in the house.  I was lifting the bin out of the machine when I came face to face with EYES on my entertainment center.

I tried to back pedal away from the intruder but the floor was wet from over spray.  

I landed hard on my back and threw the container into the air dumping BLACK furry water all over me and the floor.

As I tried to focus on the blurry ceiling and take inventory of any injuries, I temporarily forgot I saw eyes.  Before I could register I needed to run, a furry face came into view. 

Are you trying to kill me...also... how did you get in here?!?!?!  She's a neighborhood cat.  She stood over me watching, headbutted me, and meowed.

I carefully put her back outside.  Apparently my screen door has a small hole...where it's torn away from the corner.  You can't see it but she must have pushed on it and realized she could fit. 

So yea, I had a minor heart attack, almost broke my back, and probably have a concussion...oh and had to clean the floor, but my sofa is clean and I know the little stray is still alive.  

It's like getting all natural organic taffy stuck in your teeth

There is nothing worse that your dog coming inside chewing.  What the hell did you get into?!?!?  

Lil bit looked like she was chewing a wad of gum

I didn't want her to swallow it because 1. What is it? and 2. WHAT IS IT!?!!??!

So I did the only thing I could.  I reached in her mouth and pulled it out.  

Oh no it looks like chocolate

Wait...wait....

My brain registered what I was seeing.  I pulled a frozen turd out of my dogs mouth....WITH MY BARE HAND.

In a panic I screamed and flung it across the room. It hit the wall and slide down.

I'm staring at slimy poop on my hand, saying OMG OMG OMG meanwhile lil bit is still chewing!!!

I ran to scald a layer off my hand then retrieved the doggy toothbrush and toothpaste.

I began the task of brushing her teeth. It was going fine until I pulled the brush out...COVERED IN $HIT!

Sterile rinse, repeat.  I thought we were done when she shook her head. And shot the last little piece of slimy Cr@p out of her mouth.  It was like slow motion.  Time froze.  Until...

...it landed on my neck!!!  

I almost threw up.  Hubs was gagging.  I was gagging.  She was happy as a clam.

So I've cleaned myself, the toothbrush, and the wall.  

I am slightly traumatized and all she wants to do is give me kisses. 

Most of the time she doesn't go outside looking for snacks.  But for some God only knows reason she can't help herself in the winter.

The colder, the better.  

Massacre at mile 11

I have always been worried about the horror stories you hear about running.  You are putting your body through quite a lot so you never know when that b**ch might rebel. 

I've had minor issues before, but for the most part it's been things I can deal with.  

My last half was brutal.  Since there's still COVID around I 100% thought it would be canceled or postponed.  Which means in my brain I wasn't nearly as motivated to train.  I trained up to 10 miles but I reached that 6 weeks prior to the race and then did jack $hit.  

I knew it would be difficult.  I mean I knew I could finish it but I would not be feeling great by the end...  

But I pushed myself because I was cold and stubborn.  I was doing great but I hit a bit of a wall at mile 8.75-ish.  Like my legs felt like lead. 

I walked for a while hoping it would pass but every time I ran, LEAD LEGS.  

I drank water & powerade, ate some gummies and Gu.  Nothing was helping.  Then as I was coming around a bend there was beer.  I don't like to take drinks from strangers, especially during a pandemic but I was desperate.    

It worked.  I mean I wasn't running like the flash but I wasn't dragging @$$ as much.  I know there is some science-y explanation but I am just going with beer good.  

I thought I got this!  I looked at my watch and thought, "OMG, if I keep this pace I could match last year's time" which would be impressive without much training.  

WHY DID I EVEN THINK THAT?!?!

The Universe

As I was pushing through mile 11 it happened.  

THIS IS 100% TMI...READ AT YOUR OWN RISK!

I was past the last water station...no more potties until the finish line.  I have never in my LIFE been more thankful for black pants.  I couldn't stop....so I ran as best as I could.  I needed to finish.  I needed to be done.  I needed a SHOWER!

I know what you are probably thinking happened BUT it wasn't that....it was more girly....If you haven't figured it out I was suddenly bleeding...A LOT.

I was that commercial.  They 100% could put me running a half marathon with the caption of "where will you be when the gush happens".   I was hurting, tired, and feeling sooooooo gross.  But I finished. By God I FINISHED!

Have I mentioned I really hate being a girl sometimes.

I'm pretty sure they heard me on the moon

I had a moment.  A moment of utter fear and anxiety.  I was doing...LAUNDRY!

So here I am doing my usual Saturday clean routine.  I was moving my 2nd load of dark clothes to the dryer.  I picked up some athletic shorts (not mine) to toss into the dryer when the unthinkable happened.  A BUG WHO SHALL NOT BE NAMED fell at my feet....which happen to be bare. 

They make the most skin crawling splat noise when they are dead and have been through a super wash cycle. 

I swear to all the deities I screamed so f**king loud, I'm surprised my neighbors didn't call the cops.  It took a second or ten for my brain to reboot and try to figure out what happened.  How is there one of these disgusting creatures in my freaking laundry?!?!?!  We use home defense.  We almost never see them (thank god, I would die) and if we do they are half dead or full dead.  Which is around the point in my internal battle where I realized what had likely occurred.

You see we (both hubby and myself) have a bit of a fear of these...things.  See this post.  If we see a mostly live one a shoe gets hurled at it and we hazmat that sucker out of the house.  You think I am kidding, it involves rubber gloves, plastic bags, a squeegee (bc those little f**kers stick to brooms), and a dust pan.  We ain't playing! 

Anyways dead ones are treated similarly, minus the shoe hurling.  Except two...two decided to die in the overfill pan for our Hot Water Heater.  We've had this silent standoff where neither of us removed them.  I know I know, mature, right... but you can't see them unless you move the door while in the garage and we never do that. 

Moving on, when I was loading the washer some clothes missed the opening slightly and went over the side...closest to the H20 heater.  I caught them and threw them in...but the shorts may have barely touched the pan...I'm thinking those sticky *shudder* legs stuck to the pants and went for a ride.  So I brave a look in the pan...NEITHER are in there.  F**k f**k f**k!!!!  That means....the other....is either in the dryer or in the washer *sobbing*.

So I peek into the washer and die a little inside.  Its in there....amongst my clean clothes...also squeaky.....

.....clean I'm sure.  So now I'm legit crying because I just washed a load of clothes with these two GIANT disease carrying mother f**kers.

Hazmat mode initiated...it doesn't matter that they went through a wash cycle, are missing legs *screaming* and have been dead for a while.  My fear is in full force.  I just know it's going to fly at my face.  I mean it didn't but still!  So I remove both to a bag.  I shake out all the clothes looking for *shudder* legs.  I found some but not all so I am hoping they went down the drain. 

I know this is 100% our own fault...doesn't mean I have to like it.  I am currently rewashing the entire load on hot.  I know its not the best for the material but its the best for my sanity.  Otherwise the whole load is being trashed and that's not financially reasonable.  But let me tell you if I go to put on my running pants and I find a leg....I might die on the spot. 

Side Note - I am not kidding giant.  Come to Louisiana. These f**kers could carry away a small dog.  A "small" one is the length of my thumb. 

That is basically a collection of dried...drying...spunk...o_O

What the actual f**k?!?!

LINK

Why...I...what....WHYYYYYYYYY?!?!

I always say to each his own but...I dunno...I...unsanitary!!!

It got worse...it got WORSE!!!!! "After collecting them from lovers, friends and even strangers, her condom collection has grown to an impressive size."

 Ew.....ewww.....ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!

"she developed a penchant for the smell of rubbers"

"1,921 rubbers, all of which line her bedroom walls like a museum."

"Her father has even asked his friends to donate their used condoms to the cause." 

WHAT?!?! "Used condom fetishism exists the world over." 

AHHHHHHH! "studies have shown that harmful bacteria can linger for a long time in a used condom" 

JFC " There’s a Guinness World Record for condom collecting. An Italian man named Amatore Bolzoni harbors the widest collection in the world. These specimens number in the 2,000’s and date back as far as the 19th century." 

I can't...I just...I need a drink and a shower....