It's not a f**king storage cubbie!

LINK

Stop putting weird $hit in your vajayjay!!!!

Things you can put in your lady parts:
- fingers
- penises
- fake penises
- feminine hygiene products
- Lubes/Creams made for it
- Other toys MADE to put in there

Things you should NOT put in your hoohah:
- Syringes (WTF MAN?!?!)
- Money (Ewwwww, have you seen that special about how germy money is?!?!)
- Pills (that $hit can be ABSORBED into your...look its just a bad idea and makes me think of instant DEATH)
- Weird herbals suggested by that wacko celebrity
- Honestly if you have to think "hmmmm, should I put this in there"; you probably SHOULD NOT!

But seriously drugs are BAD.  Don't drink and drive...don't get high and drive...don't drive impaired...just STOOOOOOOOP!  

Also, I remember a few years ago a friend of mine who works in the ER admitted someone with a...wait for it...SUNGLASSES CASE stuck in the peesh.  Not like a tiny travel case.  Like those MONSTER things you see at Sunglass Hut for designer glasses....STOP PUTTING WEIRD $HIT IN YOUR HUMP HOLE!

"To protect and to serve"

This is not what that means!!!!

LINK

I'm not even sure what to think.  I read the story...he says it was consensual, she says it wasn't.  I will never be a "victim blamer" but so many women recently have been found out as falsifying these kinds of reports to cover their own @sses that I hope its all true while at the same time I hope it isn't true.

His job is to protect the community from bad people...like rapists!  Alcohol clearly played a HUGE factor here but it is not an excuse to force yourself on anyone.  This is just horrifying.  Granted he wasn't on duty, just out with "friends" and made a bad decision.  A REALLY bad decision.  If we can't trust those who are to protect us who are we to trust...?  Its not like NOLA needs another freaking black eye right now...geesh.

Ugh, this is why I hate watching the news!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Side Note - I know its only the bad ones that get the news coverage.  The good ones, I hope, outnumber the bad exponentially. 

I blame day drinking...on the beach...without properly hydrating...all while in the blistering sun....

I had the absolute most f**ked up dream while on vacay.  I mean I clearly have odd dreams from time to time but this one was exceptionally weird and disturbing.

I don't recall how it really began but somehow I was abducted by a man.  A very disturbed man.  He was average looking not bad but not super attractive.  He was skinny fit, blondish hair, and scary smart.  He kind of looked like the actor playing the Unibomber on that discovery show "Manhunt" or whatever...maybe I should lay off the crime shows...

Anyways, I was abducted by this person and forced to be his wife.  But not like locked in a basement.  I was taken to a community in the middle of f**king no where and there were other "couples" there.  The kicker, I wasn't the first "wife" he brought.  They said things like "I hope you stick around longer than the last few" (OMG what happened to the others?!?!) *gulp*.

Now, I am not one to be a victim but for some reason I was helpless...like I knew I couldn't fight back because he threatened me or my family or something.  So I played the part in front of others and fought like hell in our "house".  Eventually I was forced to fulfill my "wifely" duties *shudder*...thank GOD my subconscious didn't let me remember that part...I know it happened in the dream but I have no memory of it.  So now this is starting to sound like that Chevy Stevens book "Still Missing".

Side Note - READ THIS BOOK!!! Its freaking amazing!!!

Anyways, this "community" is Stepford-esque but in a setting like "The Village".  I had to wear modest clothing and wasn't really "allowed" interact with the men even as friends.  Also, women were not seen as smart...which if you know me, you know this bugs the $hit out of me, so this part was torturous.  "*shhh* the men are talking, go make me a sammich", etc etc etc.  At some point I realize I am PG but I knew it wasn't crazies somehow (thank goodness).  Guess I was knocked up before I was taken.  My "husband" hates this.  He wants the baby but thinks pregnancy is "gross" and wont touch me (hallelujah!).

I am playing the part to live and get home.  I guess, biding my time to see if I can escape without endangering me or my unborn child.  I wasn't allowed to dance (torture) or swim or run or anything remotely fun because that wasn't lady like and only my husband could see me in that state of undress.  I think at one point I was crocheting, which is kinda cool but I need activity!!!

Moving on dinner each night was in the common area not in the home. One night we had a newbie who was visiting from out of town.  It was this famous-ish person I've mentioned before.  He was the guest of this older woman who clearly was interested in other things besides a friend.  Well even playing the part my personality & intelligence seeped out.

I was punished for this at some point; I think I had a broken arm.  Well this visitor noticed my distress and I guess what I know of him makes my subconscious think he's a good guy.  He was there for a while and would talk to me like a person and not an object which was nice but caused problems with me and my "husband".  Also, he seemed to be not allowed to leave.

It gets a little fuzzy but later he pulled me to the side to find out my real story and I told him we can't do this.  No one can see us talking like this.  He'll kill me...us...he'll kill us.

it jumped a bit and I somehow convinced my "husband" to let me go hiking.  I was only allowed if I wore baggy pants, a baggy shirt, and a hat.  Okay its hella hot but FINE!  So everyday after my chores and other wifely duties...*shudder* (I washed my hands...A LOT) I went for a hike on different trails in the area.  Curious as I am I started going off the paths.  This let me find a gorgeous natural spring with a water fall (where the f**k are we?!?!).  Now my daily hikes consisted of me going to this place, stripping down, and swimming.  It was actually kind of nice.

One afternoon while I was swimming I heard something in the woods.  First thought animal, second thought "husband"...first thought would be SOOOOOOO much better!  I yelled for whomever it was to show themselves and out walks my new friend.  He followed me...oh f**king great!!!

Jumps some more...this is now our secret meeting place (no funny business...just escaping the insanity).  But eventually my story...my REAL story comes out.  He is horrified.  He is captive also but only because his children were threatened...WTF?!?!?  He vows to help us escape and tell our story.

Of course we are discovered by señor crazy but I think I started to wake up so I am not sure what happened.

What?!?!  What normal person has dreams like this?!?!  This is awful!  Like worst case scenario!!  And that's a lot of details...and why was that famous person there?!?!  Yea I like him but I've NEVER dreamed of him before....

Also, I need to stop watching Crime Dramas...but I still need to watch the final season of Broadchurch and I do love me some Criminal Minds/SVU reruns so that's not gonna happen...maybe I should just stop watching Forensic Files before bed...oh and reading...no more reading...yea not gonna happen.

Who doesn't like to be pucnhed in the tear ducts?

For real though...right in the Childhood!  'scuse me while I cry in the corner. 

She still sounds perfect...ALWAYS Mrs. Potts!!!!!!!!!  Also, there is no way its 25 years old...NO WAY!

Moving on...sooooooo I was legit hacked.  Someone who has no life...who if they put half the effort they put into stealing into a real job would be successful!  He got in to my Amazon and used MY GIFT CARD to buy himself a Samsung External Drive.  I have the address, because I got an email telling me my order would ship tonight... WHAT?!!?!?!? 

Anyways, I looked up the address and found a Business Park.  I called the first number I saw and the lady that answered said "OMG, did he steal your VISA too?!?!"  What...um no.  I told her my sad story.  She said I was the 12th person calling about something like this.  He uses the address for Suites that are empty...SERIOUSLY?!?!  But this time he may get caught...wanna know why.  Because I'm not with VISA.  I'm not looking at my bill a month out and trying to figure this out.  I KNOW this will be delivered TOMORROW.  And now so does Amazon, their Fraud Department and the local Police.  I considered sending a box filled my dog $hit but I didn't want some poor unsuspecting business owner to get it by accident.  Anyways "SERGE"...hope you like prison.  *fingers crossed his @$$ gets picked up*.

Serge Kaluga
Kiamensi road 805
apt.984
Wilmington, Delaware 19804
United States

Feel free to ship poop if you want. 

Also, note to self...standing outside in the dark and saying "Come play with us" like the creepy kids from The Shining, then laughing hysterically, REALLY freaks out the neighbors.  In my defense I was in the process of taking care of Aphids and they were hiding.  So I was spraying killer bug juice on the plants trying to get them to come out...so I could KILL THEM!

In conclusion, I went from happy crying...to I want to nut punch a crook...to I think my neighbors think I'm a psychopath...

Ahhhhahahahahhaha....