I might be the oldest but I am by no means the most mature

And that makes me fun, ha!  Apparently a 30+ year old (without kids) obsessed with Halloween is frowned upon.  How many years do I have to post something like this?!?!?!?

- People have come to my house "oh are you having a party?" Ummm no...I just really like Halloween .

- New neighbors "oh do you have kids?" Nope... "So what's with all the decor...?" *ahem* I just really like Halloween .

- *wearing Jack Skellington choker* "are you going to a dress-up party?" Huh...?  No...I just really like Halloween .

- "You know Halloween is only one day out of the month", so is Christmas but we celebrate it starting back in July apparently.
     - "Yes but Christmas is celebrating the birth of our lord, it deserves more than one day"
       *thinking* 'Well maybe I am celebrating my lord', *said*  Well, I'll have Christmas 
        decor out starting Black Friday...good enough?

- "You all carve pumpkins?  But you don't have kids!" *WTAF* *sigh* Ya know the dogs just wouldn't stop begging for their own Jack-o-Lantern.

Halloween isn't just for kids.  Christmas isn't just for kids.  ADULTS CAN ENJOY HOLIDAYS WITHOUT KIDS.  F**k off all you judgmental idiots. 

Would you drink/eat something that makes you a little sicker everyday...?

If not then why DO something that can cause health issues overtime?  We all know stress can make you VERY sick...right? 

Well so can holding a grudge...right?

The amount of energy it takes to stay pissed off at someone is ridiculous.  I mean I am not a forgive and forget person if someone seriously hurts me but I also am not a 15 years down the road kinda person either. 

If you hurt me...like REALLY hurt me, I will distance myself for my own sanity.  I do forgive quick usually but I don't forget and am cautious.  With that said if someone is TRULY sorry, and proves that to me over time, we are cool.    Will I trust them 100%...probably not but I get over things...I don't waste my energy on hatred. 

Where did this come from?  Well I have an acquaintance who cannot fathom how I can stand to be in the room with another acquaintance. 

Backstory:  In 10 years ago a close friend of mine went through a thing.  This thing brought all kinds of skeletons out of the closet.  During this "thing" I learned that my close friend had been lying to me about a lot of things for 8 years.  ONe lie, lead to another lie, and so on and so forth.  I was friends with their spouse, auntie to their children, we hung out all the time!!!  And the lie was stupid.  It wasn't necessary...had I been told the truth from Day 1, I wouldn't have batted an eye but the compounded lie destroyed my trust.  How can you blatantly lie to someone you call your sister everyday for 8 years?!?!?!

Moving on, it took years for me to feel comfortable speaking to this "friend" when we saw each other.  I wasn't mean or hateful, just uncomfortable.  But eventually I realized they were honestly remorseful about what happened.  Basically the lie was told before we were close and the more time that went by it never seemed like a good time to come clean for fear of losing relationships which happened anyway but whatever. 

With this said it has been 10 years!  I barely hold a grudge for 10 minutes much less 10 years!  I am not one to keep reminding someone of their f**k up.  If you acknowledge it and apologize its done. Which is why it baffles me that this other person thinks I should still be harping on this 10 years later.  I don't care.  The past is the past, we have moved on, why can't you?  While this did affect person A, they weren't THAT close to person B so why the continued hatred?  Is it on my behalf?  If so, please STOP!  Holding on to something like that cannot be good for you!

I don't understand...maybe I am too forgiving but I'd rather focus my energy on happy times than dwell on the negative. 

Just my ramblings...*ugh* why isn't it FRIDAY?!?!?!

$hit, I've time traveled again....

So nothing screams I *heart* the 90's more than a chunky heel and sparkly flower things.

So imagine my shock when in my email I have:

Where's my butterfly clips and body glitter!?!?!

What were we thinking?!?

So I clicked it and saw the below... "OMG military chic also screams 90's...".  Its not exact but its close....

I mean I still have my docs because f**k y'all, docs are comfy.

Also, I do not remember my cheapy boots costing 39.99....o_O

Obviously these aren't quite as "Holy $hit 90's" as the 3" platform military style things I used to wear but its definitely pulling at my memories here.

I mean I owned something like the below back in the day so yea....

I know they say styles come back around but that makes me feel old so *plfeet*...

**side note** totally saw another chick in the mall with high-top docs and fishnets with jean shorts and a baggy band shirt & flannel.  I had to do a double take.  I wore that!  That is grunge chic and that was me...OMG stahp!  

obvi not me but you get the gist!

I.am.not.a.Doctor!!!!!!

Or The Doctor.

I have no medical whatever.  I read.  I educate myself.  I am trained in basic First Aid and CPR but I am by no means a medical professional.

Which is why I find it utterly DISTURBING that certain people feel the need to send me pictures and say "what do you think this is?"

Ahhhhhhh....*grossed out*.

Not like I said "Oh, you have a rash, what does it look like".

No I am just talking about a random text or email...completely unsolicited..."Look at my ______".

My response 100% of the time is some variation of   "Gross...also...go....see...a....DOCTOR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

If you tell me about a whatever, I may say "Oh I had something like that and did _____.  But everyone is different...if that doesn't work or it gets worse seek medical assistance".

So why....why...why...did I just get a message with 4 pictures of a rash that looks suspiciously like staph.  No explanation.  Just 4 pictures.....of a rash.

I said "OMG stop sending me pictures of your rash!" then "GO TO THE DOCTOR!!!!"

It's a Happy Hole NOT a Salad Bowl

After all the Goop posts I started following that Doctor that always debunks her $hit.  One she's super smart/very informative and two she's pretty funny. 

I've been a little busy so I am behind on my reading....but anything titled "Don’t cleanse your vagina with a cucumber. Please." has got to be interesting. 

LINK

OK look I have clearly always been on the same page as this doc but JFC ladies...  Its self cleansing.  It doesn't need to be reset with herbs, wasp nests, or vegetables!  If you have an issue you probably need a cream and/or a pill.  Peeling a freaking cucumber and sticking it in your lady parts is NOT a solution. 

"...whatever else passing as the vaginal snake oil du jour at best do nothing but have real potential for harming good bacteria..."

Listen to the doctor....also inserting and twisting anything in your peesh for 20 min is called masturbating...

So if you want to do that, buy a B.O.B. not a pre-pickle. 

I dressed up as The Doctor and now my soul belongs to Satan

Look I'm not really one to be like "your beliefs are stupid" but sometimes I see (or am told/TAGGED IN) $hit and just want to throat punch people.

LINK

Right...okay.  What?!?!!?!? Also, stop tagging me in this stuff!!!!!

If you don't want to celebrate Halloween, that's fine.  But stop with the stupid.  Halloween is not a satanic holiday.  If the church of Satan uses it as a holiday they "stole" it from earlier religions/traditions ...just like CHRISTIANS "stole" the winter solstice...also known as Christmas...from earlier Pagan religions. 

Again, if this is your belief I guess that's fine but stop telling me that because I celebrate my FAVORITE holiday I am not Christian and stop telling me my littles are being opened to demons because little Suzy dressed up as f**king Cinderella!

"We think because we are not performing any demonic rituals or human sacrifices that we are on safe ground, but did you know that as soon as you dress up, whether you color yourself or put on a costume, the enemy owns you? Because by doing so, you have turned over your legal rights, and you have dedicated yourself and your kids to celebrating the devil's holiday. "

What?!?! Are you saying I signed some divine LEGAL contract at some point and celebrating Halloween negates it?!?!? I don't think that's how this works....

Here's my take on it.  This person is a troll.  Like the ultimate troll.  How can I make already hyper paranoid Christians bat$hit...I know lets tell them if they put kids in Costume on one specific f**king day of the year, they're turning them into devil worshipers *pahahahahaha*.

Riiiiiight...*rolling eyes*.

"As devil worshippers, Halloween was very special to us, and we looked forward to celebrating it because we knew the implications and the dark power behind the night."

This is f**king dumb.  There is no special freaking demon power on Halloween.  It is an end of harvest festival that can be traced back to Celtic and Gaelic folk traditions. 

Here is where I think all the crazy BS comes in.  "it was seen as a liminal time, when the boundary between this world and the Otherworld thinned.  The souls of the dead were also said to revisit their homes seeking hospitality."

So a combination of OLD traditions.  Traditions that existed BEFORE CHRISTIANITY combined with new traditions created the holiday we now call Halloween.  

Tell me again how I am worshiping Satan if I am a f**king minion on Halloween and hand out candy to cute little kids who are having fun? 

But wait there's more! "The only harvest we celebrate is the harvest of souls.  For many who celebrate Halloween, that celebration carries over to Nov. 1, which is also known to some as the Day of the Dead, or All Saints' Day, but there is nothing holy about it—it is demonic."

Really...you are telling me ALL SAINTS' DAY...the day we (well some of us) visit the graves of our dead relatives and friends to leave flowers is...demonic...?  "We have a picture in our minds that it seems holy, but there is nothing innocent about it. " Uh huh.... 

No!!!!!  It is a day of f**king remembrance.  We REMEMBER those who have gone to heaven...recognized Saints and those not recognized.  We aren't performing some ritual to bring our friend back as a f**king zombie.   

Ya know what, its fine don't celebrate Halloween or All Saints' Day for that matter...more candy for me and less people when I leave flowers.  

This is how crazy happens!  Seriously, the devil is not hiding in a Holiday.  If you believe in Lucifer then you should also believe that he is always there tempting you.  He doesn't pop out on f**king Halloween and say "Ahhhahahahaha, you dressed your child as a sock monkey, his soul is now mine".  

Sorry, this stuff just makes me irrationally angry...

My husband had to peel me off the ceiling....

Okay not literally but close.

So I get this quarterly box from Fortune Cookie Soaps (FCS)...they also do a monthly box but I don't need that much beauty stuff (or do I?).  Anyways, I never signed up for that. 

Flash forward to August.  They announce the September Box will be HALLOWEEN THEMED!!! So I did what I said I wouldn't do an signed up for the damn box. 

So I get it (this was last month) and I am so excited I am about to pee on myself .  First things first...I opened the box and f**king screamed.  Not bloody murder but still *ahhhh* *giggle*. 

God Dammit!!!  Also in the box were fake maggots *rolling eyes*.  Its Halloween...yea yea yea.  So I am INSANELY excited.  Everything smells AMAZING!  I tried almost all of it within a day or so. 

Moving on.  I don't take baths normally...I take showers.  If I do, I don't usually use bubbles, bombs, oils, etc because my body is stupid and I usually have reactions that I'd rather not deal with.  With that said this box came with a bomb.  Its all natural/handmade stuff so I figured "Awww f**k it, ONE BATH CAN'T HURT." 

This was the bomb:

CAMP CRYSTAL LAKE BATH BOMB

Ingredients: Sodium Bicarbonate, Citric Acid, Zea Mays (Corn) Starch, Pure Dead Sea Salt, Magnesium Sulfate, Sweet Almond Oil, Fragrance and/or Essential Oils, Cosmetic Color.

OMG It's Jason, totally trying it.  Problem...I didn't READ the f**king description.  

"You’re doomed! You’re all doomed. There is a curse on Crystal Lake, a death curse. You’ve been warned. When you use this bath bomb, it’s followed by shadows and scents of peachy rings, lemon drops, and woodland flowers. Beware! There's a surprise inside..."

Anyways, I got all comfy in my hot bath and drop the bomb *giggle*.  It fizzed a bit.  Its blue and white *cool*.  Smells DELICIOUS *double cool*.  As the bomb fades away to the end red starts trickling out "Ewww...but okay cool".  I was leaning back relaxing when all of a sudden, something touched my leg 

"OMG there is something in the water with me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

I see this:

I jumped out of the f**king tub so fast I almost fell over the commode.  

Not realizing the commotion I caused, I was surprised when the significant other walked in.  He was like "WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU" as I stood there naked and dripping all over the floor.  I pointed at the tub...he laughed at me..."Its plastic crazy lady".  Oh...OH....GOD DAMMIT!

So yea, they got me...like got me good.  So just in case you are wondering my heart works just fine...

 

Also, no weirdo reactions (sweet) aside from having a minor cardiac event. 

It is confirmed!

Sorry sorry sorry to harp on this.  So I made a new friend.  My new friend was extremely tall next to me in my chucks.  So I asked her (not rudely) how tall she was.  She said "oh I'm 5'10" but I have on 3" heels".

So that puts her at 6'1" (right?!).

I was eye level with the boobies.  No kidding.  We were chatting and my eyeballs were just above the center of the tata.  And I mean they were nice tatas.  How do you not stare at tatas that are legit eye level?!?  I tried to look over her shoulder but I wasn't tall enough.  So I tried to make eye contact but I am a half pint sooooo yea the struggle is real!  She totally smacked me at one point (not hard)...

...Because I kept looking around like I wasn't listening but I was listening I just didn't know where to look!

She was awesome about it calling me her little American Girl Doll (hey now!). 

Anyways if she was 6'1" with heels on and my eyes were mid chest then it is safe to assume my conclusions from this post are highly accurate.

F**k, I'm short!

So like its a ongoing joke that NolaGurl is short.  But sometimes I forget HOW short I am.

So I was looking at pictures and I realized I am almost abnormally vertically challenged.

Take the pic of me and Jenna Coleman from a couple years ago.  Now mind you I had on converse but I was a good 3" shorter than her and she is TINY.  She HAD to have had on heels.  Because according to the Internet (its always accurate) she is only 5'2" and I am somewhere in the 5'1" -ish range depending on my posture.

Moving on.  This got my curiosity sparked.  How freakishly short would I look if I took photos with any other celeb favs (without height assistance)...?

Billie Piper 5'5" - I'd be staring at her chin

David Tennant 6'1" - I'd basically be eye level to nipples.....

Tom Hiddleston 6'2" - Somewhere in that same vicinity

Peter Capaldi 6' - Chest gazing yet again

Jensen 6'1" - I'm seeing a pattern here

Misha 6' - I'm getting used to staring a man pecks

Jar Pad 6'4" - That's like belly button danger zone (hahaha, jk...maybe)

Tom Ellis 6'3" - JFC what are they feeding these people?!?

Scar Jo 5'3" - Okay a bit closer to me

Caity Lotz 5'6" - Oh come on!

Morena Baccarin 5'7" - ...really?!?! I mean shes hot so yea okay

Jason Momoa 6'4" - Combine that with his width and that is a laughable pic

Nathan Fillion 6'2" - Dude....DUDE!

Stana Katic 5'9" - I...I did not realize this...

In conclusion...I am a for realz shorty...Jenna is probably the shortest famous person I will meet...also...any future celeb meetings, I should wear heels....

How it looks

How it feels

Oh and just for fun (because I've met him before)

Shaq 7'1" - It looked as funny as you are picturing. This was pre-smart phone so I don't think a picture still exists....

Also, the husband is just over 5'10" and my eyes are near his collar bone so I guess I like 'em tall-ish, ha!

Seriously though...if she's 5'2" and I'm an inch-ish shorter...that is totally just above nipple level.....  

I always wanted to look like a spider was crawling out my nose....

JFC people why is this now a thing?!?!

Again I am 100% to each his own but most people try to get rid of noticeable nose hair not put it on display!!!  Also, I'd be itching at it the whole time!

Surely this is a joke...right!?!?

LINK

Yes, its totally a joke but can you imagine?!?!  I know how I react to a tiny stray hair grazing my nose, I can't imagine having f**king lashes glued to it! 

What if you sneezed?!

*ahhhh choo*
Bless Yo-eeeeeew
What?
Um...you got a little something...*touching nose*
*looks in mirror* *giant green booger hanging from your nose lashes*

Or...or

*aaaaahhhhh chooo*
OMG WTF MAN!??! 
*nose lashes stuck to your friend's face*

Ahhh hahahah.  I can't...y'all this would be so bad for me. 

1) I'd keep touching them, therefore looking like I was picking/petting my nose
b) I would be the person with a boogie just a chillin'
3c) I would totes sneeze and loose my new hairs to the velocity

Oh...OH How would you blow your nose??!?!  I feel like this would complicate that significantly....

Whatever the case...I'm glad this is a ha ha...it is a ha ha...I hope to God its a HA HA.

My house smells like baked badussy!

Soooooo I may murder my sig other.  I mean not really but I am feeling stabby...maybe more punchy...definitely need a drinky...all before NOON!

So I woke up, had some coffee, watched on the news (stupid Hurricane Nate *grumble grumble*), and decided at some point I wanted some cheese toast for lunch. 

What is cheese toast?  It is toast with cheese...

Okay so basically I take some bread, put a bunch of sharp cheddar on it, sprinkle a little Tabasco, and toast it (like an open faced grilled cheese).  I should mention, I didn't have any lights on and its kinda dark in here bc its overcast (stupid Nate). So I opened the toaster oven and plopped my two cheese breads on the pan.

I went about my business while it toasted.  When suddenly the most AWFUL smell permeated the air.  Funky snatch with a hint of @$$.  WTF?!?!  Why does my cheese toast smell like rotten wookie!??!  I opened the oven (BIG MISTAKE) and was assaulted by skunk toe. 

"OMG, *gag*...what...*gag*...What is that?!?!!?" 

So I pull out the pan and see there is something on it under my toast...

I pick up one slice of toast *sniff*...*hork*...ewwwwwwww
I dumped both pieces in the trash...
I looked closer at the pan.  The "something under my toast" has a distinct rectangular/square shape. 

*sniff* "why do I do this to myself?!?!" *huuuuuuuualrk*

Poo-yee-yi! It smells like reheated spoiled fish...

Then I remembered.  The other night...OTHER NIGHT....not like last night or even the night before...OTHER NIGHT, like f**king MONDAY (its' Saturday)...SOMEONE reheated the left over Salmon.  So I cooked my cheese bread on top of FIVE DAY OLD Salmon juices.

The whole kitchen/living area smells like 18th century prostitute panties!

I've lost my appetite and have been exiled to the yard until the poon tang smell fades.

Who does that?!?!?  I haven't been home to cook much all week so I haven't opened the toaster oven...