Parade Etiquette - Don't be a Whale Vagina

Okay I've been here but I've been stupid busy.  Anyway, PARADE ETIQUETTE!  I have said this before and I will say it again.  Have some f**king MANNERS when in public.  Would it f**king kill you to act like a decent human while in public?!?!?!  

Just because you aren't from NOLA doesn't mean you are exempt from etiquette.  Actually acting like a tw@t waffle is a great way to get your @$$ kicked by a bunch of locals tired of your $hit.  

Moving on.  Went to a parade...got mad...still had fun...good people prevail!!!!

So there we are EARLY to a parade to claim our spot.  We were behind a barricade, honestly best spot because no one can get in front of you....WRONG!  Well normally yes but not this time.  This time people were literally on top of the marching groups and the "chaperones" were f**king failing at their jobs.  Be aggressive!  You have the right per your stupid little badge.  Tell those Mother F**kers to GET BACK TO THE SIDEWALK!  

Whatever, they failed and we got irritated.  Mainly because we were there for a while when suddenly the parade gets to us and people just stood....IN FRONT OF THE BARRICADE! The 1st few we all mouthed off to, sheepishly moved...good girls and boys.  But then there was this "family".  Two ladies, one man and a VERY small child.  

They stood right in front of us.  AND WOULDN'T MOVE!  After a 10 min pissing fight we all said f**k the barricade because it clearly doesn't matter and moved to the front of the STUPID crowd.  Well all the peeps behind the barricade who moved were now all besties with a singular cause.  F**k with the piece of $hit family.  

Now I am not (nor were the people around me) one to mess with a kid.  They are exempt but I will without a doubt subtly f**k with adults setting a bad example. I made sure that kid got throws and saw all the sights because I am not completely heartless.  

As I walked around said barricade a lady next to me said something unkind but true about the $hitheads in front of us. All I did was nod.  The psycho B**ch (mom or aunt, not sure) spins around and screams in my face "WE HAVE A F**KING 5 YEAR OLD!!!!!!" (ok...now all bets of me being nice are off) to which I replied calmly (while leaning back) "and you are setting a great example on how to be a C**t." 

Apparently this was unexpected because she gasped walked away.  They were acting like a bunch of High/Drunk high school kids but they were 30+ AND HAD A KID WITH THEM!!!!!!!!!! Mind you it is late (well after 9 PM).  A 5 year old should not be in or near the FRENCH QUARTER at this time.  So an unspoken thing happened. All of the adults who were DONE with their $hit, start dropping every subtle curse word/inappropriate word you could imagine along with HIGHLY inappropriate stories...some about the adults with said kid.  Basically the crowd made the ADULTS so uncomfortable they left.  Was is mature no, but sometimes dickheads need to be put in their place. The kid had no idea what was happening...he was FIVE (apparently) and was just smiling and having fun.

Moral of the story is if you set a bad example and act like a f**k nugget people will band together to publicly shame you.  Like I said, Kid had no idea what was happening, he was focused on the parade.  But the parents or whoever they were....realized they messed up and left...victory is ours!!!  Although, I do feel bad for the kid but not bad enough to give in. 

I don't give a flying f**k if you have kids or not, that does NOT give you the "right" to be an @$$.  You want a "front row" spot for the little one...get there early!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Or at least be nice about it and ask.  Had they said hey he can't see can he get here, TOTALLY DIFFERENT. 

Don't be a tw@t

Public Service Announcement:

If you notice someone has gained weight...SHUT UP.  I guarantee you that person is fully aware that they are heavier.  They are probably VERY upset about it.  They do not need to hear about it from judgy @$$holes like you.

We all see it with celebrities and it pisses me off.  They are still HUMAN.  Just because they gained some weight and aren't a negative 4 doesn't mean we should blast it all over the internet and make them feel worse.

Same goes with your family/friends/co-workers.  Trust me they know what they look like.  And you can't POSSIBLY know what is happening in their life so shut it!

I say this because I have recently become the "target" of such comments.  Not to my face...no that would be rude...BUT to my cousins and brothers and sister in laws...and aunts...and uncles...should I f**king continue?  It came to a head when I said something to a cousin and she told me "yea...I've heard a lot about your @$$ and thighs recently...it pissed me off!"  Yea well it pisses me off too!

I am not a size zero (nothing wrong with that by the way) but I am not f**king fat either!  I am horribly out of shape compared to this time last year.  My muscle has turned to...not muscle.  Booooooooo!  But its not because I've become a lazy f**k or something.  Its because I am dealing with stupid $hit that I can't talk to anyone about except my husband (NDA b**ches) and I am f**king stressed out!

I am still running races but I went from working out 6 days a week to maybe one...maybe.  I don't eat awful BUT I've been eating out much more.  I don't eat sweets much so that's good but my guilty pleasure is a coke.

Why?  Well because I am driving an hour each way to work...EVERY DAY.  I am working 10 hour days.  By the time I get home its f**king dark...or getting dark and I am trying to attempt dinner.  Otherwise we order in.  I don't stop at all 'til bed time.  I go to bed...rinse repeat.  Could I make time?  Of course...I'd sacrifice sleep and at the moment...I don't think I can.  I am barely getting 6 hours a night now.   I am taking supplements to help with lady things that happen to make you retain a bit more fluid.  I have diagnosed IBS and while its under control for the most part when I get stressed my tummy pokes out because just look up IBS and you'll get it.

So yea I am a bit jiggly in places I didn't used to be.  I think I look like $hit, thanks.  But I don't need comments from the peanut gallery and I still fit in my clothes (and no they aren't too snug) so suck it!  I mean somethings I forgo...like a really tight shirt....or anything that grips the tummy area.  And GOD am I dreading putting on a swimsuit but whatever. 

My point is quit talking $hit.  You don't know what other people are going through, unless you ask...and NO ONE HAS ASKED!  You aren't making comments because you are concerned...if you were you'd say them to me in the form of "hey, I noticed you aren't running as much...you okay?" or "I noticed you aren't working from home as much...wanna talk about it?" See that isn't RUDE!  You are making comments behind someone's back to gossip so, f**k you very much. 

Jesus take the wheel.....

Not like that, not like that!!!!

LINK

Can you imagine driving down the road and suddenly your wheel pops off...

Ok, ok, "Calmly" downshift and brake and AHHHHHHHHH!

Ya know what sing...just f**king SING!

Yea, no my car doesn't smoke, thanks.....

Yo, you people that flick your lit cancer stick out the window going 80mph down the interstate can f**k off!  That is still LITTERING!  You shouldn't do that.  The local wildlife is holding up unsuspecting hikers looking for their next nicotine fix!

Sometimes I see them coming and they explode in a blast of embers on my windshield. 
Other times I see the flying smoke stick zooming past my window. 
And still other times I completely miss them. 

Anyway, as I was driving, suddenly, it looked like my f**king car was on fire! 

...wait....no...

Side Note - She is my freaking spirit animal.  I LOVED her!  I watched that show ALL THE TIME and still do when reruns are on!!!

Moving on.  There I was lala-ing along when traffic slowed in-front of me.  As I slowed down I noticed the front of my car...

OMG IS THAT SMOKE?!?!?! 
My car isn't that old...it should not be smoking! 
Is there a tiny fire????

So I kinda panicked for a sec.  I was so worried it would overheat and damage something. 

Weird...no lights or alarms are going off. 
Ugh what is that smell?!?!

I turned off the outside vent, what is that?!?!?!

*ew ew ew ew ew* Move people!  The exit is right there!!!!

My car could explode at any second, MOVE!

So I got off at the next exit and stopped at in the first parking lot I saw.  I popped the hood and walked to the front of my car. 

Odd the smoke isn't coming from under the hood. 

Then I saw the little cherry glowing in my grill *WTF*.  There was a f**king cigarette wedged in my front grill...STILL LIT!  It was only about half smoked...if that.  Basically someone lit it and then threw the f**king thing out the window.

You'd think going 80 down the Interstate would have blown it out or whatever.  But it was protected. 

When it hit my grill it bent in half and the lit end was inside, partially protected from the wind.  The "smell" was the slight charring of plastic, mixed with cigarette smoke coming in my A/C vent.  I pulled it out, stomped it, and threw it away.  I dumped a load of sanitizer in my hand and drove the rest of the way with the windows down because my car now smelled like @$$ baked in the sun. 

Flicking a butt out the window is still littering.  Its gross. Its dangerous to wildlife...AND TO OTHER DRIVERS.  If you are hell bent on smoking in your car...KEEP IT IN YOUR CAR!

Wait, why did they cut some random child's hair??? Was it on fire???

"Two volunteer firefighters are on leave after an Ohio family dispute about a child's haircut resulted in investigations, according to the fire chief." Link

This whole thing makes it sound like two Volunteer Firefighters grabbed some random girl and chopped off her hair for no reason.  This has nothing to do with them being f**king firefighters!  This is stupid.  I do agree what they did was completely irrational and wrong, but maybe they news station should MENTION somewhere before the FOURTH paragraph in the article that it was the Step Mother and Father who did this and they HAPPEN to be Volunteer Fire Fighters.  This is a domestic issue to be investigated by CPS. 

This has nothing to do with their volunteer work.  Also, why is the fire chief involved???  Did they use their "titles" as firefighters to harm someone?  No.  This is a FAMILY issue!!!

If I f**ked up it wouldn't say "Account Manager for ______ company did whatever to ________, a Manager for ______".  It would say 30 something woman lost her composure and hit her husband.  Actually it probably wouldn't even make the f**king news. Also, I wouldn't harm my husband it was just an example.

I feel AWFUL for that girl.  It is truly terrible!  But thankfully in this instance, its only hair...it will grow back.  Is it scarring, of course and I think Step Mom and Dad should be investigated.  But for the news outlet to say two firefighters on leave because of a child's haircut is so stupid!

Take about sensationalizing an otherwise, unfortunately, normal story. It almost overshadows the fact that CLEARLY there is a parenting problem that CPS needs to be involved in. 

I hate the media sometimes!

Natural Selection.....

I try not to judge but come on people!

1.)  If you have to boil water for drinking (we were under a boil water advisory after the freeze)...LET THE WATER COOL BEFORE DRINKING IT!  Very young kids may not understand this but f**king adults should know not to swallow scalding water ffs!  Ours news stations actually had to say this...

2.) Ice = Slippery.  If you venture out unnecessarily when everyone and their grandmother is saying stay in...please be very very careful...

Thankfully my job doesn't require me in the office.  I know others did/do but if its retail/restaurant/office...why?! No one was working, much less leaving their houses and schools/government offices were closed.  Emergency personnel I understand.  Skeleton crews at groceries/pharmacies if they can get there, I can understand, but the f**king mall...?  

Who the hell woke up Wednesday and was like I know I might die on the road but I really need a new pair of kicks?!?!?! 

No one, so why the f**k was the mall open?!?!?

Again...I try not to judge but this $hit makes me angry...closing for a couple days is better than losing an employee(s) because they were hurt trying to get there.  

3.) Next! Why are people eating Tide Pods?!?!?!?  Stop that right now!  

My 11 y/o niece wants to know if when you become a teenager/adult you become stupid because according to her "Even my 5 y/o sister knows not to eat laundry detergent".   

I am not talking about very young children, people with mental disorders, or people with dementia.  These morons are "normal" teens/adults doing STUPID things to become internet famous.  

This is almost as bad as the dumping boiling water trend that thankfully lasted a very short time but only after some poor child was literally scarred for life.  Or what about the cinnamon challenge where you eat a spoonful of cinnamon and try not to choke to death.  

While I hate cinnamon and would never try this, this was incredibly dangerous.  Ingesting that much at once can cause coughing which causes you to inhale the powder still in your mouth.  Which can lead to inflamed lungs and trachea causing more problems OR you might not be able to catch your breath.  It was a stupid challenge.  

Who the f**k thought this was a good idea?!?  I know people were dared to do stupid things when I was younger...before the internet was so widespread but I don't recall anyone doing anything THIS stupid.  Disgusting and risky...maybe but deadly...never or very very rarely.  

So here is your take away........don't do drugs, drink with caution, Stop eating Tide Pods, don't pour boiling water on people, use cinnamon like a normal person, don't put on accelerant and light yourself on fire (yes, that was a thing for a hot second), don't put salt on your arm and then cover it with ice (it burns), just use your f**king brain!  5 seconds of  internet fame isn't worth it!

I think you are missing the point there sugar

This is a RANT feel free to ignore...

I am not a breedist...is that a thing...?  I don't look at an animal and say "OMG its a _____ breed...everyone RUN!!!"   but I am also not an idiot.

I've grown up with large and small dogs of all breeds.  When I was a kid we had a doberman/boxer mix, a German Shepard/husky Mix, and a Pekingese/poodle mix.  If you asked anyone they were scared of my dobe/boxer mix.  After all AGGRESSIVE BREEDS!!!  In reality...I was bit countless times by the little Pekingese mix.  She was an @$$hole.  Seriously, that little b**ch held me hostage on more than one occasion because she wanted to.  She would jump in MY BED and then growl and nip if I moved.  She was MEAN.  I loved her to bits but she was a jerk.  The big dogs...BABIES.  The most lovable creatures you'd ever meet.  But mess with me or my mom and you'd lose your manhood...or at the very least a toe. 

My point is ALL dogs have the potential to be aggressive...ALL OF THEM.  And the little ones are the worst.  I've had them and loved them but they could be JERKS.   I was chased down the street by a toy poodle.  I was just a running along when this little puffball ATTACKED me.  He's lucky I love dogs otherwise I might have punted him across the street.  I was BLEEDING FROM MY ANKLES but he was a poodle...what's the big deal, right?  WRONG!  He viciously attacked me...but he was tiny.  If a little dog  bites you, you might need a bandaid...if a big dogs bites you, you need stitches or are dead.  THAT is the difference. 

With that said I don't care what size your dog is...it should be properly restrained when in public.  If there is even a remote possibility that you MIGHT encounter another animal muzzle that little $hit.   big or small, you muzzle them all.  You know why?  You f**king know why?  Because if your little $hit of a dog runs up to me and my gentle giant and starts $hit, my gentle giant MIGHT decide to defend me which might equal death for your little $hit. 

Doesn't matter if its a park, vet, or groomer...they should ALL be properly restrained for the safety of ALL pets.  Irresponsible owners and/or vet/groomer employees are a problem.  You don't walk a PITBULL past a BISHON.  Just don't.  You don't know how ANY dog is going to react..EVER!  The kindest dog could decide tomorrow that the little @$$hole barking needs to be silenced. 

I am not talking about the dogs with issues or dogs bred to be aggressive.  I had pits too.  Never had an issue...NEVER.  I had someone try to say there was an issue but THEY WERE IN MY YARD and THEY HIT MY DOG REPEATEDLY.  Show me ANY animal that wouldn't attack after being punched in the face.  Come on...I'll wait.   My dog could have destroyed that idiot...instead he barked...nipped (didn't bite, no blood was drawn)...and hid behind my then boyfriend.  But because of his "breed" he was almost put down.  Not because he did a damn thing wrong but because I lived next door to a moron.  Nothing came of it but it was EYE OPENING. 

Here's the point.  Animals are just that, animals.  If you treat them like $hit, they will respond in kind.  Even the kindest animal has the potential to be mean....people aren't exempt.  How many times did you hear about a mass murderer that was "just a normal guy...".  So to protect the fur babies BE RESPONSIBLE.  Always have them leashed.  Put a "gentle lead" or a muzzle if you even had a tiny inkling your pup might try to defend you.  Cross the street/path/area if you remotely think there might be an issue.  Why risk it?!?!  Be a responsible pet owner because others aren't. 

Moral of the story...DON'T BE A TW@T!  Protect your pets!

Don't judge a dog by its breed, judge it by its owner because lets be honest...unless there is an underlying issue the way a dog reacts is directly correlated with how its treated by their owner.  "But pets attack kids all the time".  DIG DEEPER.  Maybe not always...but many times something happened.  There are ways to introduce pets to kids...make them jealous and you have an issue...they are still an ANIMAL!  Don't leave pets and kids unattended...why? Because some kids are @$$holes...and some animals don't understand what a kid is.  BE A RESPONSIBLE PARENT! 

Be overly cautious, not because your pet will hurt someone but because you just don't know.  You NEVER know....EVER.

Rant over...I'm going to bed.

I.am.not.a.Doctor!!!!!!

Or The Doctor.

I have no medical whatever.  I read.  I educate myself.  I am trained in basic First Aid and CPR but I am by no means a medical professional.

Which is why I find it utterly DISTURBING that certain people feel the need to send me pictures and say "what do you think this is?"

Ahhhhhhh....*grossed out*.

Not like I said "Oh, you have a rash, what does it look like".

No I am just talking about a random text or email...completely unsolicited..."Look at my ______".

My response 100% of the time is some variation of   "Gross...also...go....see...a....DOCTOR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

If you tell me about a whatever, I may say "Oh I had something like that and did _____.  But everyone is different...if that doesn't work or it gets worse seek medical assistance".

So why....why...why...did I just get a message with 4 pictures of a rash that looks suspiciously like staph.  No explanation.  Just 4 pictures.....of a rash.

I said "OMG stop sending me pictures of your rash!" then "GO TO THE DOCTOR!!!!"

That is basically a collection of dried...drying...spunk...o_O

What the actual f**k?!?!

LINK

Why...I...what....WHYYYYYYYYY?!?!

I always say to each his own but...I dunno...I...unsanitary!!!

It got worse...it got WORSE!!!!! "After collecting them from lovers, friends and even strangers, her condom collection has grown to an impressive size."

 Ew.....ewww.....ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!

"she developed a penchant for the smell of rubbers"

"1,921 rubbers, all of which line her bedroom walls like a museum."

"Her father has even asked his friends to donate their used condoms to the cause." 

WHAT?!?! "Used condom fetishism exists the world over." 

AHHHHHHH! "studies have shown that harmful bacteria can linger for a long time in a used condom" 

JFC " There’s a Guinness World Record for condom collecting. An Italian man named Amatore Bolzoni harbors the widest collection in the world. These specimens number in the 2,000’s and date back as far as the 19th century." 

I can't...I just...I need a drink and a shower....

Talk about a stinging sensation in your nether regions......

Okay this one is a month or so old but I just came across it and WTF people?!?  I am going to say this again...

QUIT PUTTING WEIRD $HIT IN (or around) YOUR VAGINA!!!

LINK

Wait does that say "handmade".  I know its Etsy but no thanks....also...from MALAYSIA *danger Will Robinson*

"The instructions advise customers to boil the oak galls and then use them as a feminine hygiene wash around the time of their period. It also advises drinking one boiled oak gall for 40 days to “restore elasticity of the uterine wall.”"

Oak Galls...that's a fancy name for a wasp nest.  Well a GALL wasp...nest.  

Then it says "popular misconceptions about sexual health and the vagina. Namely, the myth that only tight and dry vaginas are desirable and healthy."

WHAT?!?!  I've heard of wanting a tight one *rolling eyes* but a dry one.  That sounds AWFUL! Who wants someone going in dry.  That sounds horribly painful for ALL involved.   *shudder*

The internet is great but these fly by night pseudoscience crazies are seriously endangering people with their crap.  

You want a tighter vajayjay do some kegels.  A dry who-ha is NOT healthy...just...please talk to a medical professional before sticking anything...unusual...in or around your happy hole, especially something that promises some crazy whatever results.  

Darwinism...maybe

Saw this:

Laughed for like 5 minutes straight...what a sarcastic answer.  But really, if you cut a wire, you break the connection....it will no longer connect to the power source.  Well at least a piece of it wouldn't connect.  Granted you probably wouldn't get much of a shock from the battery operated lights but why chance it.  I just feel like if you cut them, even the piece still attached to the battery pack wouldn't work (or would work but not properly) because of safety or something.  I dunno, I've spliced together wires before so it may still work but this just screams FIRE HAZARD. 

This has to be one of the goofiest questions I've seen on Amazon...buy a shorter strand or figure out a way to hide the excess....