No one better ever say "you don't understand, you don't have kids" to me again!

Because let me learn you something.  You see pets are similar to kids.  Actually they are kids, just with fur.  They can't tell you whats wrong and then they vomit in your lap.  And you can't do anything to comfort them, just clean up...take them to the vet if necessary and hope they get better. 

We had another "Oh my God what is that?!?!!?" starting at 5AM yesterday and it got more and more insane from that point forward.  We were awakened by convict getting sick (dogs vomit, not concerning)...and Speedy promptly trying to help him clean it, "Ahhhhh *gag* stop stop stop stop stop!!!!".  Then maybe two hours later both yacked up "stuff"  in the yard.  Eventually both were fine, they ate breakfast, still seemed fine.  We left. 

We returned (gone maybe 4 hours).  I opened the side door, turned around and looked at the hubs and said "something...um, something is wrong...it smells REALLY bad in here".  We walked into the living area trying to breathe as shallow as possible...only to find Convict...still in his kennel...no pan...in the foyer (which is at least 20 feet out of the office and around a corner)...surrounded by $hit & vomit.  "If I wasn't so grossed out, I'd be impressed".  We let him out, only to realize he had somehow MANGLED the door to the kennel, WTF?!?  He bent the wires!!!!

As we set to the task of cleaning the 2nd $hitstorm of 2015 we marveled at how he did what he did.  There were minimal marks on the walls, he had almost no excrement on him, and aside from being grossed out seemed fine.  As the night progressed we realized he was not fine and we took him to the vet.  An emergency vet visit and a bunch of fluids later and he looked like he was gonna be okay but we weren't getting to bed before midnight. 

Fast forward to 3AM, I slowly woke up from the strangest dream.  I was stuck in a maze and if I took a wrong turn it got stinky, but if I took a correct turn it smelled better.  The further I got into the maze the less not stinky it got.  I opened my eyes and gagged!  I don't have a bad gag reflex but this was PUTRID.  I saw speedy attacking his butt, some string or something was poking out.  He was having an issue...I got up to turn on the light and slipped, "OMG ahhhhhhhhh".  He had explosive...you know...and it was everywhere.  We got a towel and helped him...then set to the task of cleaning and mopping the floor...did I mention it was 3AM?!!??!  Then convict threw up water and I realized we forgot to pick up the dishes and he wasn't supposed to have ANYTHING till morning, "well $hit!".  From then on, every 30 minutes or so one of them woke us up.  At 6AM the rest of whatever was in Speedy's @$$ came out and he promptly ran around the house excited and barking...clearly he was going to be A-OK *fingers crossed*. 

It is now 10AM, I am running on maybe 2 hours of sleep, MAYBE.  Speedy still good...Convict not feeling well at all.  He's old...we are worried. 

Moral of the story, just like kids, Dogs will put ANYTHING in their mouths, REGARDLESS of age.  I watch them very closely but even my watchful eye missed something.   It is clear to me they got into SOMETHING!  We just can't figure out what (hopefully one of our @$$hole neighbors didn't do anything stupid).  Second moral of the story, I am their momma.  So I am home with them because 1) I work for an amazing company that lets me work from home and 2) I couldn't leave them...they seemed so sad!

So now I am sitting here working...watching...comforting as much as I can....while the rancid smell burned into my nostrils makes me nauseous.  Seriously, we scrubbed every inch of floor and lower walls in our house and it still smells like a Pot-O-Gold up in this b**ch! So don't tell me I don't understand because I don't have kids!  I understand...it sucks...you feel helpless and guilty and hurt for them.  If I feel like this with my pups, me+sick child could be interesting. 

Sugar, your problems do not make you a princess...I'll not bow down to ya. We aaaaaaaaaaaaall have problems, get over yourself!

Okay that seems harsh.  It is not that I don't care about other peoples issues (as stated we all have them).  I get annoyed when people act like an @$$ for no apparent reason and expect you to grovel at their feet, begging for an explanation because they have an issue that you are unaware of.

Me: Good morning *smile*, what happened yesterday when I was out?
Person: *dramatic sigh* it was normal *moves to the other side of the coffee room and is quiet*
Me: Okaaaaay. . .*raised eyebrow* just wondering because my phone barely rang
Person: *unnecessarily aggressive* I said it was normal! *storms out of the coffee room*
Me: *stirring my coffee* WTF was that about?!?!

Sorry "your majesty" but what the hell is your childhood trauma?!?!? I am not sure when in the 10 minutes I've been here that I managed to piss them off so royally but I clearly did.  The thing I now know (through years of experience) is that it has NOTHING to do with me...at least I am fairly certain it has nothing to do with me.  This person will have a personal issue(s) and then takes it out on everyone at work.  They give us all the silent treatment, clipped answers, close (slam) their office door, rude to customers, etc.  It's extremely immature and 100% unprofessional.  Then if you don't ask "awe pauvre bête, what's wrong???" in a timely manner (I've no idea what that time frame is...its hit or miss), you become the focus of their anger and the actions mentioned above are exaggerated tenfold.  

I don't understand.  If it isn't work related, leave it at home.  Of course we can't shut out everything once we get to work but at least try to remember you are a "professional" and act like one.  I have no "power" over this person so I can't do much about it.  And we aren't talking newbie, just out of college, doesn't understand office etiquette.  We are talking 20+ years experience and a bit older than me.  I am not going to coddle you because you lash out at me over something I have NOTHING to do with.  I am not here to do that...you want to be coddled go home to your spouse...if its their fault you are so pissy get a lover (just kidding don't do that).  Or act like a normal f**king human being and come out with it.  You obviously want to "talk" about it or you wouldn't be showing  your @$$ so come on then, spit it out or stop being a tw@t.

My point is we all have problems, I'm not diminishing the severity of theirs and I am not in a pissing contest over whose personal life sucks more at this point in time.  Put on your big girl panties and get on with it.

NOTE: I asked what was wrong about 2 hours later and was told with a very FORCED smile, "*sigh* nothing, everything is...fine *slowly walks away*."  OMG, just stahp!!!

What the f**k, Over...

So I got something in the mail today.  Something that is supposed to be worn around your midsection.  Something that is Made in China and has this f**king warning on it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So you are telling me this product which is basically a running accessory that sits over your abdomen may cause Cancer, Birth Defects, and/or other REPRODUCTIVE harm.  What the actual f**k?!?!  Are you serious?!?!  Why is this allowed to be sold?!?!?! Does it like absorb through your skin as you sweat?!?!

Clearly someone filed a lawsuit (as stated by my friend), otherwise this warning wouldn't exist but as a female who would like to have children, THAT is terrifying!!! Even if there is a remote possibility that the materials in this thing can cause CANCER, I would think maybe it should be revamped or, oh I dunno, not sold.

Of course ciggies cause cancer and they are still sold so I guess that is a dumb question but I'm not ingesting anything or rubbing it on my skin with the intention of absorption so geesh!  Its a f**king fancy fanny pack!

Nothing is safe anymore, maybe I SHOULD become a hermit!

UPDATE: Just read the proposition...its confusing but I understand, I think.  Not a lawsuit but since they do business in CA they must report any use of chems listed in this proposition to warn consumers of what they are buying.  It included pesticides and dyes...I am wondering if its the Dye...

God, I feel like a broken record

How do people not realize their actions affect others???  How do PARENTS not realize their words shape their kids, sometimes more than their actions?!?!

As weird as my childhood was, I will give it to my parents, they really did allow me to try everything at least once.  I was tiny and "weak" but I tried out for EVERY sport, cheer leading, dancing, theater, choir, etc. until I found something I liked.  They never once told me things like "oh honey, you are too little for basketball".  Because you know what, I might have been a few inches shorter than most of my classmates BUT I could shoot the ball like no ones business.  Did I make the teams?  No, not all of them but I kept trying until I figured out what I was good at.  It ended up being dancing/choir.  That is where I excelled.  I was okay at some of the other stuff (soccer/cheering/gymnastics) but I was better at those two.  And my parents made me pick two things.  You can't do everything so pick what you enjoy most.  My point is, I never gave up and my parents never tried to stop me. They supported me, knowing I just needed to find my niche.  It didn't break my confidence, it made me more determined.

With that said I wanted to cry/scream the other day after hearing an exchange between a mom and daughter.  The little one couldn't have been more than 7.

Lil Bit:  *twirling around* Mom, when do I go back to gymnastics???
Mom: *uncertain* Well we didn't sign you up, but I guess we can...
Lil Bit: *excited* Well maybe I could do ballet instead!!!
Mom: *condescending* Honey, you have never danced a day in your life!
Lil Bit: *still excited* But I could try, I want to try dancing school *still twirling*
Mom: *sighing* Look, you aren't built like a gymnast or a dancer.  Those girls are expected to be tiny and you just aren't.  You are tall and a little thicker than those girls and you have big feet. You wouldn't do well in it.
Me: *staring with mouth open* 
Me: *quickly trying to hide my displeasure with this conversation*
Lil Bit: *looks crushed* But *insert names of 4 friends* are in dancing and about my size.
Mom:  Well their moms should have thought that through
Me: *mortified*
Mom: Now no more talk about things we can't do, okay *hugs kid*
Lil Bit: *unshed tears* Okay mom *walks away*
Me: *carefully speaking because I am always reminded I don't understand because I have no kids* Ummm, maybe she could try dancing school. . .
Mom: No, I don't want her disappointed when she fails
Me: *stupid stare*

What the hell?!!?!?  Why would you do that to your daughter?!!?!?  It's dancing school.  There isn't a try out...you just sign up!!!!  Telling her she CAN'T do something because of her body type...she is f**king 7!!!  You are going to give her body image issues!!!  FYI, she isn't big either.  Yea, she is a little tall for her age but she isn't BIG.  Not that it should matter but my point is, OMG!  She is already at a disadvantage in life because she is a girl because our society SUCKS! It is true, don't try to tell me different.  She needs all the self assurance she can get.  But cutting her down without letting her try...just assuming she would fail...you are a female, you KNOW how hard it is.  I can't form proper sentences to describe how awful this is!   This isn't protecting her...this will cause way more harm than good.  She will forever think she can't do things because she isn't built like everyone else!  JFC you are supposed to teach her to embrace her body not to feel self conscious about something she can't change!

Special kind of stupid

Is that like the "...special level of hell. A level they reserve for child molesters and people who talk at the theater"?  For some reason I feel like saying you are a "special kind of stupid" is way more insulting than yelling "Hey dumb@$$". 

Moving on...I saw this...this is what brought on that random thought

And while it makes me feel a bit old, it is kind of true.  I remember watching OLD Looney Tunes cartoons (I say old because by the time I saw them, some had been out for 40+ years) but I don't remember ever thinking "Hey, let me go light a STICK OF DYNAMITE (or firecracker) by my friend here *LOL*".  My momma taught me better than that, just sayin'. Apparently even by the time I saw them they were severely edited (toooooo much violence and racial issues).  Well it says that in the Wiki Bio but I clearly remember charterers depicting stereotypes (American Indians, Speedy Gonzales, etc) and every scene with Wile E. Coyote was fairly violent *drops an anvil on his own head*. 

Point being I don't think what was shown really affected my young mind.  I didn't want to become violent nor did I think all Mexican's ran around saying "Andale, andale, arriba, arriba".  Not saying they are appropriate but I still had the mental capacity (even at a young age) to know it was just a cartoon...entertainment...it wasn't teaching me life lessons.  It just seems like as the years go by we become more dependent on OTHER people to tell us "hey that's a bad idea" rather than having the intelligence to know "Oh $hit, this is a bad idea" and not do it.  Don't get me wrong, I did STUPID $hit as a kid but I KNEW it was stupid and did it anyway.  And I usually got my @$$ beat for doing it (if we got caught) and we NEVER did it again.  But it wasn't "blowing people up" or "hitting them with a frying pan".  It was leaving the neighborhood when I said I was going around the corner or jumping out of a tree into a pool.  Not my best moments but as I did them I was like "oh crap, I'ma be in SOOOOOOOOOOOOO much trouble if I get caught".  But in my head it was a calculated risk.  Will the fun outweigh the consequence.  If yes, continue...if no..DON'T.  Also, there was a factor of, how high is the possibility of injury...if too high "abort, abort".  Point is kids will do stupid $hit without cartoons, it is up to us to keep them in line.  Maybe its a parenting thing.  Maybe they are relying too much on the TV and "others" to teach their spawn instead of actually teaching them, themselves...I dunno. 

For instance, I read somewhere someone DRANK an entire bottle of hair product because it "smelled" like food and he was hungry.  He was hospitalized for toxicity or something.  Not a kid...a grown @$$ person (like in his 20's) who as far as we could tell had no mental issues and wasn't high (I mean it's possible but the news outlet didn't say that and I am pretty sure that would have been mentioned).  And all I could think was "you, you are the reason we have warning labels on shampoo bottles".  It's like common sense has become a special "gift" that not everyone has and I am not sure how it happened but I want to know how to fix it.  I hope IF I have kids I am able to teach them to THINK things through on their own (the key word there is THINK).

Side Note:  I'm not picking on Looney Tunes, they are the ones depicted.

Stop being an @$$hole *drops mic*

This is a RANT, I just have to get this out before I explode....you have been warned.

No but really, I don't understand the need to be a prick just for the sake of being a prick.  I get that we all have bad days but lately I have been witness to ADULTS treating children, their adult kids, other adults, etc poorly and then blaming it on something else (that happened a LOOOONG time ago).  What is sad...this is more than one adult.  Having one do any of this is bad enough but I've been exposed to THREE!

I try to remove myself from drama, its why I live 30+ min away from everyone.  I could move closer but every time I consider it, BS like this happens and I am like, I don't need this crap.  As much as I try to be drama free I get sucked into it from time to time.  The difference between myself and others that were sucked in is I am going to give you options on how to fix it.  If you have been b**ching about the SAME THING for the last 'x' number of years I am going to get real with you and tell you it is time to STOP!  If you are using something that happened more than 5 minutes ago as an excuse to be a twat to everyone, I am going to loud cap you next time you say something in front of me.  Not because I am an @$$hole...because I am going to protect the people I care about from your toxic behavior since I have now been dragged into this nonsense.  But you won't say that in front of me because you only ever do this in small groups and I am never "alone" with you.  You are a coward...you attack women when no one else is around to defend them or hear how f**ked up you actually are. 

Let me reiterate that I hate when people take out their aggressions on others.  I am sorry that your life went to $hit but 99% of the time the person you are ripping apart had nothing to do with that and you are just pouring your anger into them because they are there.  NOT COOL!  Ever!  If it happens once, I will forgive it but if it happens repeatedly with the same person(s), you my dear are a bully and I have lost respect for you.  When my little one calls me crying because you verbally abused them, I see red and sorry but once that happens it will be very hard for me to forget.  I am the type that I take $hit up until a point but once I am past it, I am done.  So let me say that if a person knows certain things bother one of my littles and they continue to use those things to purposefully hurt them, I am going to expose their shenanigans to everyone.  Using the 'n' word and the 'f' word (not f**k) to describe anyone is 100% NEVER acceptable.  And if those words make someone uncomfortable you do not have the right to call them a 'n' lover or 'f' hag.  WTF is wrong with you?!?!?!  That is bigotry at its finest.  "If you don't look like me or think like me, you are not as good as me." It is 2015 STOP IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

On another note...just because you have a d**k doesn't mean you are better than me (a person sans d**k).  It drives me spare when "men" dismiss me or my littles because we are women.  My "littles" are adults, just younger than myself, FYI. And when I hear about one of our trusted "men" trying to control them or belittle them, I want to punch things.  Mainly things between their legs because god I just want to cause them pain at this point (I know, I know bad but I wont actually do it because I am a sane individual).  It kills me further when other "adults" (including other females!!!) feed these men's aggression by agreeing with them and ostracizing myself and my littles based on what a twat booger said.  Group think at its finest.  This is where I come in.  This is where we have a "come to Jesus" talk because I am 1000% done with this bull$hit.  Abuse is not just physical hands on a person.  It is verbal, mental, emotional.  If you purposefully cause HARM to another person just for the f**k of it, that is abuse!

It is not okay to call me or anyone else "names" like c**t, etc because we don't agree with you.  So a woman hurt you (and in a couple of these cases, she did, I get that, she was a royal B) BUT that does NOT give you free reign to attack all females around you.  Also, it happened years ago.  It is time to move on.  You can't blame your anger towards us on that anymore.  You have had more than a decade (in some cases THREE decades) to fix this, yet we still hear the same broken record excuse every time, "You can't get mad at him.  Think of what he's been through." NO!  I don't f**king care anymore.  Just because they had a bad run a few years ago doesn't give them the right to flip out on other people or try to control them.  You don't get to tell me (or anyone else) what to do or how to feel, sorry (not sorry). If you want to wallow in angry self pity fine but leave us out of it!

The "definition" of crazy is doing the same thing over and over, expecting a different outcome.  If someone TRULY wanted to move passed all this nonsense they would have done it by now.  This extended DRAMA is 100% their own creation and I do NOT feel sorry for them anymore.  How do you live like that?!?!  It can't be good for you to harbor so much anger and aggression for THAT long.  I feel sorry for (empathize with) people of course but you have to fix things for yourself.  YOU have to break the cycle.  If you don't it just keeps happening over and over and over.

I guess some people feed off of drama.  They thrive on it.  I despise it. If I have a problem, I fix it, if I can't fix it, I stop b**ching about it until I can fix it.  It does me no good to dwell on things that are out of my control and I sure as hell wont continually attack someone else because my life is in the $hitter.

And yes I would say this and have said some of this face to face.

Rant Over.

Side Note: If you threaten my fur babies I will become defensive...you do NOT threaten them...EVER...if you hurt my fur babies...I can't express what will happen to you but it won't be pleasant.  It might involve paper cuts, salt, and lemon juice. 

Your momma failed you sugar

If you were never taught that saying "when are you expecting" or "how far along are you" or something of that nature is a big no no, she failed you.  NEVER...EVER assume a woman with a pooch is prego.  Unless you know with 100% certainty say nothing...it is safer.

Case in point.  I had on a dress (not even that tight but slightly fitted)...mind you as I've stated before...I am fairly small.  Not skinny but tiny none the less.  I heard a *ding*, someone at the front desk.  Well I was all alone and went to see who was here. 

Not a customer...not a vendor...some poor lost person who had no idea where they were.  I helped them with some directions and was ready to send them on their way when they decided it was time for a chat.  I was just finishing up the directions when this happened:

Person: Is that your first?
Me: *completely oblivious* *still writing* Hmmmm?  No people get lost around here all the time.
Person: No, I meant child *pointing at me*
Me: *slowly raises head* Ummmm what? *looking down* Yeeeeaaaa no...I just ate lunch...
Person:  *getting nervous* Oh I...I just assumed...I'm, I'm sorry...
Me:  *raised eyebrow* Soooo anyway, here are the directions...uh good luck
Person: *stumbling over words*  I'm really....I didn't mean...
Me: *sigh* Please just go.  Have a great day *fake smile*
Person: *dejectedly walking away because I didn't accept their lame apology*


I'm not normally rude BUT I refuse to be like "oh honey its okay...honest mistake." No!  You are a jerk!  You basically just called me fat because I had a pooch!  It wasn't like a f**king beer belly, it was literally just slightly distended because I'd just finished a bowl of f**king pasta.  It went away in like 20 minutes.  I didn't overeat, it just doesn't have anywhere to hide while digesting...I am not that f**king big.  On top of that, it's that time where my tummy is puffy anyways (have I mentioned I hate being female sometimes?!?!) so it was a little more exaggerated than normal.  That still gives you zero excuse for assuming there was a baby in there.  One, none of your f**king business...you literally just stumbled upon my office...I do not KNOW you!  Two, even if I did semi-know you...still none of your f**king business UNLESS I tell you.  Just saying.  Quit being rude!

Rewearing clothes, especially during the summer, is near impossible in the South

But for real, it is hot!  Hotter than you can imagine if you don't live down here.  As I type it is before 10AM, the temp says 88 degrees with a heat index of 96 degrees.  The sun isn't even at its highest point yet!  My point is when you walk out of your A/C into that kind of heat, you are IMMEDIATELY sweating or glistening or perspiring...as my lovely southern grandmas would say. 

Side Bar: They are sooooo SOUTHERN!  "Young lady, a lady does NOT sweat, we perspire." Yea okay, tell that to the soaked shirt stuck to my back after getting the mail. 

I am saying all this because I was looking up "what to pack for a trip to Mexico" and one of the lists made me laugh hysterically.  Alright, listen here...I don't know if you know geography BUT Mexico (at least the really Touristy parts) are MUCH further south than Louisiana.  So if I live in the heat of devil's armpit, Mexico is the heat of the devil's ball-sack.  As in it is really f**king hot.  Yea yea yea we have this insane humidity and they have the "sea breeze" going on BUT I've been to Mexico before, its really hot in the summer (closer to that equator thing). 

The list that made me laugh was about how to "pack light" for a week long trip to a Mexico beach resort.  Basically it said pack "outfits" that are interchangeable.  As in you are gonna wear them again.  Sorry honey but unless you plan on doing laundry the ONLY thing you will be re-wearing is your bathing suit.  Well unless you don't mind a shirt/dress that is stiff because it is full of dried sweat (ewwww).  Honestly, there is no "packing light" for a week long trip to hot climates.  Of course during the day you will probably be in swim wear (which is the lightest packing part for me) but for evenings or outings you are going to need at least 1 outfit per day.  You can re-wear shorts/skirts probably but tops and dresses, I am thinking no.  Also, unless you are sleeping nekkid, don't forget some PJs (light PJs). 

I went to the Dominican Republic for my wedding in the WINTER and I couldn't re-wear outfits (it was hot).  And it is only slightly more south than the Yucatan Peninsula.  I just think doing that would be unwise, unless you plan on staying indoors most of the time and if that is the case why go to Mexico in the first place...?

Did you know we have banshees around here???

I mean I guess living in a swamp anything is possible but I probably scared the life out of my neighbors recently. Soooooo it's story time!

What is a Banshee?  A banshee is a fairy woman who begins to wail if someone is about to die. In Scottish mythology, she is known as the bean sìth or bean nighe ("washer woman") and is seen washing the bloodstained clothes or armour of those who are about to die. (Source Wiki, hahaha).

No I wasn't outside washing off bloodstained clothing...I do that inside my house thank you very much.  It raises fewer questions from nosy neighbors.  What I was doing was letting my pups out to tee tee...really late...like, I probably shouldn't have been awake late....oh and screaming like a banshee.  Who knew so many things could happen in the wee hours of the mernin'. 

First Speedy whizzed all over the floor before I could let him out.  As I opened the door to let him out so I could clean, a 1/2 dead (yes I say 1/2 dead...my hubs says things can't be 1/2 dead...they can be dying...but I disagree.  It isn't fully alive, therefore it is 1/2 dead, *plfeet*)...anyway a 1/2 dead dragonfly flew into the house...so dog went out, erratic flying creature came in.  *eeeep* I abandoned my mission of cleaning in favor of capturing and releasing the 1/2 dead dragonfly.  The problem was I wasn't just trying to catch it...I was also trying to keep a curious kitty (Demon Spawn) from catching and eating it "ewwww".  With that said, I was freaking out a bit!  I am not frighted of dragonflies...I think they are kinda neat BUT I do have a fear of flying insects getting stuck in my hair (is that a thing because I totally have that).  It has happened with a June bug and I was losing my $hit trying not to panic (and failing) but wanting it out of my HAIR 10 minutes ago!

So I am dodging a crazy stalking cat but not wanting to get too close because "OMG what if it gets in my hair?!?!". Soooo I did what any sane person would do...I threw a dishtowel over it to get it out the door.  I suddenly heard a ruckus outside, I went to investigate, leaving the flying insect and pee for the hubs to deal with. 

I noticed Convict and Speedy "dancing" around my potted plants.  Of course I thought "oh wonderful, they cornered a toad....DON'T EAT IT!" I was relaying this to the hubs when convict DOVE into the cluster of plants, WTF?!?!  Speedy immediately jumped on his head...double WTF!?!? I ran outside yelling as quietly as I could "Drop it!  Drooooooooooop it!!!!" And that is when the light caught Convict's mouth.  Gray/Brown fur *screeeeeaaaam* "No no no no no drop it!!!!" The thing is flailing around screeching (it's a rat FYI) and I am panicking its going to bite my dog or it ate poison or I dunno...I was wigging out *waaaaaaaaaaah*.   

He was in full on KILL mode.  "This thing invaded my yard...it gonna die."  He is violently shaking his head back and forth when I reach them.  I grabbed his scruff just in time for him to "bear down" and.... and....and...I heard the most sicking *gag* sound *gag* I have ever heard in real life *gaaaaag*.  He killed it....by crushing it with his massive jaws *crunch*...I let go of him and fell on my butt...he dropped the limp rat and looked at me panting like "I'm a good boy right!?!? *happy dog smile*".  Then speedy wanted to give it some hell as well.  I dove for him "Noooooooooooooooooo!" but Convict was all "no way man, that's my kill"...so he picked it up and started running around the yard with it.  Tossing it in the air, catching it, barking, and growling...all while speedy chased him barking, and as I ran around the yard losing my mind...

noooo! 
stooooop! 
Drop it!!!  
Dammit dog, that's not funny!  
You are such an @$$hole!!!
*chasing me with the carcass*
Ahhhh, don't you dare put that on me!!!
OMG that is disgusting!!!!

I finally got them away from it (NOT EASY) and hubs walks out like, "what is it?!?" Obviously something freaking me out...I don't normally scream man...HELP!!!  Tunnel vision had kicked in and all Convict could see was his kill, hubs literally had to pick all 60 lbs of him up and toss him inside while I wrestled with an overly excited (still barking) puppy.  

Two plastic bags and some rubber gloves later, it was disposed of..."Ew ew ew ew...its still warm!!!" *shudder*.   Thankfully it didn't bite either of them and it wasn't bleeding so *whew*.  I went in and Convict was all "but, but, but I thought I was a good boy..." And I was like you are a good boy but GROSS!  And then he full on sneak attack licked me in the mouth...
 




Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Why would you do that!?!?!

*scrubbing mouth out with shirt*
*spit spit* "Not cool man, not cool!

*rinsing with scalding water*    
Ahhh, feel the burn.

Excuse me ma'am but your vagina appears to be sticking it's tongue out at me

This week on "who let that go to market?!?"

No but really look closer...

CLOSER!

I love me some minions but that is just POOR placement!  Yea it's off center so it makes it a little better but it is off center from that lady's hoohah and I just don't feel comfortable.  For gods sake, his tongue is pink! And its in the right vicinity...and all I can think of is a clam...and *shhhh* It's like her vag is trying to seduce me!  *growl*

My first thought, "OMG just move the image a little higher!!!" A tongue coming out of the stomach area is much more acceptable in my book.  But them I realized if they weren't careful with that we would be accentuating her tatas with those bulbous minion eyeballs.  But I find that I am more okay with that, than this. 

In case you want to use a minion dress to draw attention to your Garden of Eden, you can get one here for under $20.  I like the idea and I would have totally worn it but all I can think now is "But, but people will be looking at my lady parts *whimper*" and that just makes me uncomfortable. 

"BANNANA!!!!!!" 

Side Note:  Since I am about the height of a minion this could actually work on me. . . the dress might rest JUST low enough so that the tongue isn't quite "hey look at my peesh!"

In honor of Shark Week...it's time for a story

It's Shark Week!!!  I love shark week...you'd think after like 20 years, I'd be sick of Shark Week but no way man...it's Shark Week.  And yes I know its been around for 27 years but there were some years at the beginning where I didn't have cable #iwaspoor so *pleeft*. 

Anyways, I don't have a shark encounter (thankfully) to share but I have a shark related story.  As noted in the past, I live in Southeast Louisiana (near NOLA).  We are quite literally surrounded by water...a virtual island if you include all the bayous and waterways.  Most people (at least 12 or so years ago most people) would say that unless you are in the Gulf of Mexico you aren't going to encounter a shark BUT the locals knew better.  We knew that Sharks inhabited Lake Pontchartrain, at least for part of the year.  When I was young there were always "stories" about sharks in the lake but "smart people" always seemed to want to refute it saying, "Uh no, it is fresh water and sharks like salt water" or something of that nature. 



So it became a sort of joke.  No one ever really proved it from what I recall but people always claimed they saw them.  Moving on to the story.  So 12 or so years ago my "friend" bought a speed boat, whoohoo!  A group of us would go riding in The Lake for fun almost every weekend.  We never got out the boat into the water (those stigmas about a polluted lake were still strong in our minds) for fear of growing an extra arm.  A few weeks after he bought the boat he got a tow line, an inner tube and a knee board.  To quote him, "it's time to have a little fun on the water" (he's a cajun through and through).  Now I am not one to shy away from Hydro-sliding (Knee Boarding) but in The Lake?!?! Nooooo thank you!

For a few weeks after the purchases he tried to get us to go in the water but we ALWAYS had an excuse...some of the guys went but most of us said "uh, maybe next time".   Then there was a sighting...someone saw a shark...it was on the Northshore maybe...never confirmed.  After that it wasn't just a "no thanks" but an "oh hell no!" 

One day (turning to evening) we'd all been drinking (not our skipper, he was sober...safety FIRST people!) and things got weird.  The boys were once again trying to convince us to play in the water.  To which I replied "Seriously?!?!  That is basically how Jaws begins!" They kept saying things like "it's totally safe.  Come on, live a little." One of my acquaintances said "I am not going in water where I can't see my legs under the surface!  That is just asking for lost limbs!" As time progressed we were probably out near The Sandbar I guess (just floating) and our rowdy crew was getting rowdier as the sun was setting...now I am no expert but aren't Dawn/Dusk considered prime hunting times for Sharks???  Anyway, we all had life vests on (we aren't that dumb) but that doesn't stop stupidity.  Well one guy who I will mention is no longer considered a friend of mine (mainly because I broke up with his friend) decided it would be HILARIOUS to throw me overboard.  After I screamed, shot lake water out my nose and caught my breath, I yelled "You f**king @$$hole, I'm basically a swimming chum bucket!" The GIRLS immediately dragged me back in the boat. 

Can I tell you the look of shock on all the boys faces (even my dumb@$$ boyfriend)....it took them all what seemed like hours to get it.  Finally one said (very condescendingly),  "you do know a chum bucket is basically pieces of fish tissue and blood." Um yea I do...THINK ABOUT IT!  Obviously I was not eaten by a shark and I am not even sure if that would have attracted a shark but it was dusk...I was "bleeding"...and I was thrashing around in the water...NOT GOOD!  I wasn't wearing a "plug", I had an issue at the time that prevented that...so I ended up with half of Lake Pontchartrain absorbed into my undies...thank you jerk face. 

I swear it was not long after where experts were like "Oh yea, by the way Bull Sharks are talented little f**kers...they can actually swim in brackish water...we are fairly certain that is what ventures into the lake." Oh f**king great!  Well at least I wasn't dinner for one of the most aggressive sharks out there *whew*.   

Apparently Angry Birds is based on some factual data

I am not suggesting you go catch a bunch of wild birds and slingshot them at oversized Lincoln Log creations with really fat green pigs to test this theory, but their representation of cardinals is SPOT ON!

At least I am assuming this is a Cardinal

To me that looks like an exaggerated cardinal so *pleeft*.  Also, I've encountered cardinals in my yard who wanted nothing more than to peck my eyes out and they had a similar stare...

Not my pic

With that said when I got to work today I heard a ruckus coming from the side parking lot.  As I've stated before I really need to know when to leave well enough alone but I am curious by nature so I investigated.  I saw a small red streak flitting back and forth between two pickups. WTH?!? Then I realized what it was doing.  That ANGRY little bird was ATTACKING the other bird...you know, his reflection.

He was hella pissed too! "I'ma kill you Mother F**ker!!!!"

Not my picture, I couldn't get near the damn thing

I inched closer and that's when he saw me.  "Uh oh!"

Not my pic

*running in heels*...*screeeeeech*..."OMG!!!!! *run-crouching with hands over head*" I got in the building right as it came up behind me!  I closed the door which happens to be glass and that f**ker landed on the handle outside and STARED at me. "Holy crap!  I think that thing actually wants to kill me!"  Before I could get my phone out it chirped, pecked at the glass a couple times, and flew off *whew*.  Oh well, I guess it will go back to attempting to murder its reflection.

*10 minutes later* "*screaming* What the f**k!!!!! *slam*" I crept out of my office to see my boss...completely disheveled...she said she was chased by a bird from her car to the building....hmmm apparently he is NOT content with only murdering his reflection. What if he's still out there at lunch time...

It has begun!

So I saw this earlier: (lucky you, you get TWO posts in one day!)

And my FIRST thought was "It has begun...Skynet has become self aware...where is John Connor?!?!?" Which made me think I've watched The Terminator WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY too many times (Including last night when it was on BBC America).

Side Note: I am sad for this tragedy...this  persons family (I am not heartless) but I couldn't stop the geeky thoughts that poured out of me!

Then I read some of the comments and they didn't disappoint (at least I'm not the ONLY one).

Buuuuuuut then I actually read the article and just... "The robot gripped him and pressed up him against a metal plate, crushing his chest." OMG, how awful!

I still can't help but picture a terminator, sans skin, as the actual robot...sorry!!! 

Wait, hold up! Who wants to have sex with a homicidal pepper pot?!?!?!?!

Okay okay okay...hear me out...I did NOT come up with the idea.  I've read some crazy fanfiction but not anything close to...WTF?!?

I was actually reading a seemingly innocent article I linked to via The Doctor Who Hub (Facebook page), I think.  It was titled "Doctor Who: 10 Things You Probably Didn’t Know About the Daleks".  A simple top ten list of "facts" you may or may not have known.  The list was actually interesting, "Hmmm, dual origin...I didn't know that." Anyways, I got to the Number 1 "fact" and I quite literally shot coffee out my nose.  I do not recommend doing that!  It burns like a mofo and now all I smell is coffee *le sigh*.  

No really though...what would you do if you were reading an article about one of the most notorious beings in the whoniverse and you read "They Have Starred in a Porno".   

Then I read on, "In 2005 the Daleks checked off another box in Pop Culture Bingo by starring in a pornographic film called Abducted by the Daleks. It’s exactly what you think, with three women being taken by the Daleks and forced to do sex stuff with them and with each other."

I can't even fathom the visuals.  I've never watched Doctor Who and thought "Ooooo a Dalek, it's so...SEXY! *growl*" I'm more along the lines of "OMG run away, run awaaaaay..." I know they were sued but according to the article you can find it online.  I have never been so tempted in my life to look up a porno on the internet just so I can laugh my @$$ off!

There is actually more to this pic for a t-shirt but it made the concept too "sweet". You should check it out!

For god's sake they have a f**king plunger and a whisk!!!  How do you...what is it like an "insert and twirl" thing...*ahhhh my eyes*.  Speaking of eyes...did they...did they use the eyestalk...

Also, its...its like this weird flesh blob cyclops octopus looking THING on the inside...HOW DOES THAT WORK!??!?!  I mean there are those "tentacles"...oh...oh sweet baby...naaah...maybe...

Actually on second thought...I may not want to know.  Something tells me the people that made this didn't really know about the Daleks...ya know the whole "hate and destroy everything, unless its a Dalek" mantra, i.e. EXTERMINATE! Which would lead me to believe these aliens wouldn't give a flying f**k about...um...sexual gratification...especially from a lowly human...maybe from The Oncoming Storm but that's a whole other sordid story that I am NOT writing...WHAT IF these are Daleks that escaped from the Dalek Asylum...in that case RUN! Oh God what have I done...I put that thought in the universe *twirling aimlessly around the room*.

Anyone else have the sudden urge to "switch teams"?

No? Yea me neither soooooo why are people freaking the f**k out?  After the ruling I did not have the sudden urge to leave my husband for a woman...I did feel the need to wrap myself in rainbow but that is just me..I like rainbows. 

Sorry, this one is not a silly NOLA Gurl post...just a warning. 


I LOST 4 "friends" on FB the other day when I posted about the Supreme Court ruling.  I didn't even say anything about it, I just posted it with a smiley face.  I went from 444 friends to 440 friends.  I only noticed because I remembered 444...it kinda stuck out.  Clearly they weren't my "friends" if they deleted our online friendship over a difference of opinion. 

It is equal rights. . .that is it in a nutshell.  It isn't some hedonistic witchcraft that will cause people to suddenly change.  It is just the country saying you can marry the PERSON you love regardless of the bits they have.  I personally think that is wonderful.  If your religious beliefs think that is "wrong", okay then...you probably shouldn't marry someone with the same bits as you.  But it also means you shouldn't engage in intercourse with people with the same bits either (I swear I heard someone who has had relations with both men and women bash same sex marriage in the name of religion, that makes ZERO sense).  Anyways, those are your beliefs, you follow them but you can't force other people to adhere to them just because you believe in them. 

I don't believe cinnamon should be slathered on anything I am eating but that doesn't mean I am going to try to create a law to force everyone else to not have it because I don't like it. If you like it, good on you...I will CHOOSE not to partake in it.  I guess I am just different (in the best possible way, ha!).

Someone's sexual preference will not change you...it will not change your kids...it will not change anything outside of that person's relationship.  I am so tired of hearing people say "I don't want my kids exposed to this...they will get ideas!" Honey, if your "kids" get "ideas" from this then they already were starting to realize they like persons of the same gender.  Being around gay people (or exposed to gay couples) doesn't make you gay...its not a f**king disease!  You can't catch it!  Quit being a @$$hat.  If you don't want to be friends with them or you want to alienate your family because of it, fine so be it but quit spouting your idiocy around me because it is giving me a headache. If you feel following that mantra will "save" you, okay then but quit trying to "save" the rest of us. . .we know what your religion says and we choose to believe differently.  I personally don't think anything is wrong with marriage between any person...unless it is between a 30+ yr old and a minor.  In that case I don't care what gender you prefer...you are a creep, don't do that.  And if you are a 30+ yr old in "love" with a 16 or 17 year old...just, just wait the two years...don't create a controversy over something that may not be real.  Moving on...

Things I've heard since the ruling that made me stabby:

1.)  "I am accepting of that choice.  We told my sister we accept her for who she is 100%, and that was 20 years ago but we made sure she knew she can't bring her girlfriends to family functions because we don't want our kids exposed to that." Sweetheart that is the exact opposite of acceptance and the fact that you've known for 20 years she is a lesbian and you STILL refuse to let her bring her partner around makes me very, very sad. 

2.)  *insert random bible verse* Ummm so are you going to want to enforce all bull$hit "rules" from the bible?  You do know it was written by MAN.  God didn't really write it...he "influenced" it but it was still written by MAN and it contains HIS biases no matter how you try to spin it.  It was also written quite a long time ago...things change...even religion needs to evolve.  Or would you rather condemn me because I am a woman and *insert biblical rule saying I should be stoned for whatever because I have lady parts*.  My point is if you believe it, fine but not everyone is required to believe in the same things you do (that's the whole point of freedom of religion).  Get over it. 

3.) "I hope they are ready for *insert stereotypical marriage issue* because that's what they'll get now."  You are a special kind of stupid.  You do know these people who want to get married have been in relationships...many VERY long term.  Just because they suddenly have the right to marry doesn't mean they suddenly have all the work that comes with a marriage.  They've already had THAT piece...this is the legal part.  The socially accepted part.  It isn't about your stupid "oh now they are married, no sex" mantra.  It is about them being FAMILY.  They are now able to legally be family so that if one, god forbid, is ill or hurt they have a right to be by their side.  Among other things you are privy to, like shared health insurance or life insurance or I dunno, just being acknowledged as a real couple!  How would you like it if your spouse was terminally ill but you couldn't be by their side because you are Italian and they are Canadian and we just don't recognize that as a REAL relationship.  Sounds silly doesn't it. . .Come on!

4.) "I am fine with them getting married but they shouldn't be able to have or adopt kids.  You shouldn't want to bring up kids in that kind of household.  It's hard enough being a kid, much less to THOSE kind of parents." *weeping inside*  That is one of the most horrible things I have ever heard.  You are one of the reasons kids from THOSE types of parents have issues.  EVERYONE deserves the opportunity to be a parent.  I mean the same screening process should apply for adoption (gender preference aside, no one legitimately crazy should be given a child) but NOT whether or not they are gay...that shouldn't matter.  So the lesson here.  Before you start dating someone of the same sex, have a relationship with someone of the opposite sex...procreate with them...leave them...obtain full custody and then be with someone of the same sex.  Problem solved...Okay...that was COMPLETE sarcasm.  Sorry, if I went too far. 

*ugh* I gave myself a migraine...these are my opinions...you don't have to agree with me...I won't stop talking to you because we have different beliefs.  Let's just agree to, uh, disagree. Kay, thanks, bye. 


P.S. From today forward...it is just MARRIAGE...at least for me.