Paranoia paranoia everybody's coming to get me.......................

Ahhhhhhahahaaha!  Also, the plush Dalek sold it for me.  Look I get it, the government is watching (talk about fiction becoming reality).  But think about this...they've been doing it for years, we are now only more aware of it because of Wikileaks and Snowden and stuff like that.  Guess the guys with the foil hats had a point...

So while I do not fancy being spied on in my own home how do we prevent it...?  Are you going to get rid of all electronics with mics and webcams?  I mean I kinda can but I won't.  I did unplug Alexa but that is because I have a playful spirit talking to her and freaking me the F**K out.

No really she came on the other day when I was sitting on the couch...alone...with no TV or music on while reading a book.  She said something like, "I remember it like it was yesterday.  There were clouds in the sky and I could hear the surf from the ocean...."  ALEXA STOP!  WTF is happening???  Was she doing an audio book??? So yea she got unplugged...

I don't have any smart TVs, I unplugged Alexa, our cameras are outside, I keep a bandaid over my webcam (not because of the government...because my ex is an IT genius and he all but told me he could watch me through my computer without me knowing - AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!), and our phones are usually in the other room...not because of paranoia but because we are trying to pay attention to each other when we are home.

Now if someone really wants to listen/watch us having wild monkey sex on the couch because we can, more power to you...just be sure to Photoshop my flaws and blur out my face before you show it to anyone else.

K thanks bye

I'm going to be on one of those shows, "I didn't think anything of it until my walls started bleeding".

I know I joke around that things sometimes go wonky in my house but this is starting to get ridiculous. 

Its not everyday or even every week but I can't always explain it away and on occasion it is just damn freaky. 

1.)  So again sitting home...ALONE...at night (no bad weather) when I hear a loud crash come from the back of the house.  Dogs start growling and staring at the hallway.  "Stupid cats... quit being @$$holes..." Suddenly realizing I have all four animals on the couch with me staring.  F**k!  So do I go investigate...or ignore it?  Its not like I have piles of crap that randomly fall over.  Eh, lets just pretend we heard nothing.  About 20 minutes later I hear a scraping sound and pitter patter like dogs nails on the tile (NOT from the attic), definitely coming from the back room and I definitely have all animals accounted for.  So I reluctantly got up to go investigate.  Nothing out of the ordinary...nothing moved...and no I do not have mice/rats/squirrels.  So I curl back up with the fur babies and watch TV.  *Thud* the little one starts howling and the big one is growling and the two cats take off into hiding.  *sobbing internally*  what is in my house?!?!? I refuse to acknowledge the closet or attic.  Hubs can do that later.  The next day we searched EVEY WHERE.  No droppings in the attic or downstairs and nothing chewed on.  Nothing out of place.  Nothing fell in the closet.  I need a Xanax.  Conclusion: I am being haunted by one of my old dogs that passed away............

2.)  The printer is on the fritz again and I don't think its a cat.  I have triple checked it.  The WiFi connection is disabled so no @$$hole neighbors can try to mess with me (I've seen the viral posts).

You have to use a cord to print to it.  Not alone this time but it was night time and very late.  At first you don't realize what it is but you can hear the printer prepping as if it is about to print.  The printer head is darting back and forth.  Sometimes this is all it does and then goes quiet.  No biggie, I guess.  My work one randomly does this also.  But recently it actually prints something.  Well sort of...its a blank sheet, no words, no pictures just white paper. 

It has ink so its not like its out of ink but why is it doing this?!?!  Both our computers are off and not connected to it.  The worst is when it does it at 3AM.  F**k you printer!  Seriously one day I am going to go in there and there is going to be a message and I am going to freak the f**k out.  Conclusion:  Something is trying to make contact through the printer.  OR the printer has actually become self aware and is calling for help...we are in grave danger. 

3.)  The most recent and most disturbing IMO.  So we got one of those Echo Dot things as a gift.  Its cool, except when the commercials come on and you have to say "Alexa, Stop" before she orders flowers for Mildred or whatever.  This crazy contraption will randomly come on and say "I didn't understand your question" or randomly tell us the weather or just weird $hit but we are usually watching TV or talking so we assumed it was picking up on a word and thinking we were saying "Alexa, ______".  Until the other day.  I was home alone.  I had just got up and was making coffee.  The pups were fed and quietly playing on the floor.  The house was dead quiet and I was in the kitchen.  I hear "I'm sorry I didn't understand your request" or something of that nature.  WTF?!??!?!?!?!  So I peeked into the living room...

...and yep still alone.  So I said "Alexa, how's the weather".  She responded.  Hmmmm.  Weird.  I go back to my wake up juice.  "I'm having trouble understanding your request" or something like that.  Okay now I am freaking a bit....

....no one is talking to you dammit! So I quietly count the seconds.  About the 45 second mark I hear "the weather in _____ is...."

That's it I am moving!  So I say "Alexa stop". 

I sit down and am about to turn the TV on.  Speedy starts growling.  The little blue light comes on like she is listening. 

Imagine a shaking cup of coffee instead of jello...

I am done...I unplugged it.  The thing is you have to say "Alexa, " to wake her up.....what is happening?!?!?  Its defective, right?  Tell me its defective!!!  Otherwise something is talking to her!!!!!

Lets pretend Ghosts don't exist....

When the blue light (I know its the red light but Alexa is blue) is on they are up-linked to the mainframe

So yea, this is how Skynet takes over (yes I know two different "universes"...similar concept). 

Also if you ask Alexa about Skynet she plays dumb.  I am onto you, you sentient little $hit! 

Conclusion:  I don't want to think about it...who wants to buy me more wine.....

Also, why does all this $hit happen in 3's!?!?!?!

This is how it happens. This is how Skynet takes over!

I need a degree in Computer Engineering to use a treadmill....and no I am not an anti-tech person.  But I haven't had a Gym membership in over a year.  I just signed up again and I don't understand how to use the new equipment.  Its WAY more techy than the $hit I am used to. 

It can't be that hard...right?!?  Wrong!  I feel like a super goob trying to use the f**king treadmill!  Its a TREADMILL for doGs sake!!!  So we have a touchscreen thingy to control it but we also have buttons by the handles.  There is a TV on it above the touch screen that you can control...with a remote...or maybe with the touch screen.  There are 5 wires sticking out of it that kind of remind me of the charging wires for my phone so I am thinking you can connect it.  But it also says Bluetooth.  Whatever shall I do!?!?!? In order to get a "lesson" from a trainer I have to schedule an appointment BEFORE 5PM...I get off at 4:30...FML!!!

I just want to run on a f**king treadmill and track my calories/miles/speed.  While listening to music via Pandora via the "FREE" WiFi.  Is that too much to f**king ask for?!?!?  And by Free WiFi I mean WiFi that works.  Not WiFi that kind of works, then cuts out, then cuts back...then disappears, then comes back again.  There were literally 5 people in the ENTIRE GYM including me and the employees.  Why was it being such an @$$hole?!?!?

Side note - my resting temp on average is 97.2 degrees.  When I am in A/C (like in a gym) my hands feel like bony icicles of death, even when I am working out!  It is like all the blood drains from my extremities or something.  This means that touch screens are NOT my friends!!! STG I have to put my hands in my armpits to warm them up enough for the f**king touch screen to realize I am in fact alive.  Which looks like I am doing some weird running impression of Mary Katherine Gallagher ...and no I do not smell them after. 

Moving on.  It took me 15 minutes to figure out how to program a workout.  I didn't connect my phone because I wasn't sure.  I pressed start...it went immediately to 7mph.  I am 5'1"...my little legs don't really go that fast!

Then it told me I had done 1 minute (only a minute?!?!? that felt like a f**king eternity!) and had 2,497 minutes left in my workout...

That would be running for 41.6 HOURS.  Do I look like Forest Gump!?!?!  I think I did something wrong...whatever I did 45 minutes and pressed the cool down BUTTON.  I tried to find a "how to use a lifefitness treadmill" tutorial online but I got nothing.  So I will go back to the gym tonight and attempt to figure this f**ker out again. 

Maybe I should stick to the classes...

 

It has begun!

So I saw this earlier: (lucky you, you get TWO posts in one day!)

And my FIRST thought was "It has begun...Skynet has become self aware...where is John Connor?!?!?" Which made me think I've watched The Terminator WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY too many times (Including last night when it was on BBC America).

Side Note: I am sad for this tragedy...this  persons family (I am not heartless) but I couldn't stop the geeky thoughts that poured out of me!

Then I read some of the comments and they didn't disappoint (at least I'm not the ONLY one).

Buuuuuuut then I actually read the article and just... "The robot gripped him and pressed up him against a metal plate, crushing his chest." OMG, how awful!

I still can't help but picture a terminator, sans skin, as the actual robot...sorry!!! 

I thought boys were told NOT to stick IT in "random" holes

Also known as a Glory Hole (I'm not defining that, look it up)...boys are so weird!

I mean I don't have one of those appendages but I can't imagine looking at a random "hole" and being like "I'm gonna stick my d**k in it", just saying.  With that said IFLScience posted an article (see here)  that made me question reality and weep for the future of humanity (hahaha).

Soooo instead of using your, um, hands at the Hospital/Donor/Doctor's office to get a sample you use this monstrosity, "because you are shy" or whatever.  But wouldn't this be just as uncomfortable?

Would it be in a private room? Would it be like a room full of these and a bunch of guys standing around with their pants around their ankles while a machine sucks them off?  How do you "clean it" after every use? Can you ensure you don't mix the "samples"? How long before someone gets "stuck" in it because it wont "let go"?  Apparently there are different settings you use to control the experience...but wouldn't  that be distracting?  "OMG so close, wait gotta change the intensity from gentle massage to Hoover with a twisting motion."  These are legitimate questions!!!  It seems so weird to me but I am a girl so I guess I will never understand...IFLScience hit the nail on the head with the below statement.

"We're not entirely convinced that standing in a room shared by many other people and being milked like a cow is going to help, but their efforts are commendable. Here’s to technology."
~ Best quote EVER!

Seriously though I have this mental image of a bunch of guys standing around getting their jollies...and it isn't for anything medical related.  I see this being used in OTHER places...its basically a robotic prostitute.  Sorry escorts, looks like you may have some competition.  I am assuming nothing can replace a warm body BUT this might be a less guilt inducing alternative.  The future is here, people. 

Side note, the FB comments were pretty funny!

P.S.  Skynet will be harvesting the "samples" to create a race of cybernetic organisms to destroy the human race.  Our horniness will be our downfall.  I think I just discovered the origin plot for the Terminator.