"Attack" on the porch at night

It’s been a rainy few days here.  Like literally monsooning constantly.  So instead of two pools days for the holiday weekend.  We had zero.  ZERO pool days.  That should be illegal.  

Well one of the two days we still went hang out with our peeps.  We had bbq….inside, had some adult beverages and tried to make the best of a crappy day. 

We headed home disappointed but still happy for the bonding time.  As we walked up to the door holding our unused bathing suits I realized leaving the porch light on was not the best idea. 

I knew we would be home after dark so I left it on but I didn't think about little flying annoyances (termites) which were swarming on our porch (GREAT).  

Hubs was like ok, I'ma open the door and we run in. 

So he starts swinging his arm above his head to clear them a bit before opening the door.  I was about a foot or two behind him hands full. 

When suddenly large-ish shadow came flying at me a slapped into my shoulder.  It was dark enough that I had ZERO idea what it was. 

My first thought was "F*******K a bug who shall not be named!" As I started to raise my hand to swat it off of me...it ran up my neck into my hair.

Cue me LITERALLY dropping everything and freaking the f**k out! Screaming "get it off, get it off, get it ooooofff!!!!!!!!!!!!!" in increasingly more high pitched notes.

My panic subsided enough to realize the legs weren't bug like...but soft and sticky.  So I paused my freakout. 

That's when a small reptile face peaked over my forehead and jumped to the garage door. It was a GECKO!!!! He was easily the length of my hand. Which I know I have small hands but that's still a BIG gecko!

As I stood there disheveled and frazzled hubs says"It's really not that big of a deal". 

Pterodactyl Screech

Look I am not generally scared of things but sometimes nature has other plans and it makes my neighbors question my sanity.  

It's been a couple years since I've really gardened and I decided this year, it's happening!

I'm used to creatures.  I'm used to bugs.  I'm used to pollen. 

At a distance!

When I am pulling weeds for a while I tend to sit down instead of kneeling.  I also usually wear pants and long sleeves. This is important. 

As I was tirelessly clearing the garden I saw movement out the corner of my eye.  I looked down and froze in horror.  I had MULTIPLE garden beetles crawling on my arms and legs.  I tried swiping and shaking my arm but they wouldn't budge.  They were crawling higher. 

Queue panic!!! I started frantically trying to get them off, saying "No no no, get off get off get off!!!".  One made it to by bicep and I freaked out jumping up and shaking all my limbs saying "get off get off get off!!!!"

I finally started flicking at them, manically laughing, as they came free.  After I was certain all were off of me I heard "Hey dere girl, you good?"  

My neighbor and his nephew...SAW THE WHOLE THING.

One of these days one of my neighbors is going to film my antics. 

I'm really tired of being "part of historical events"!!!!

Okay so I know I went MIA but its been a wild month. 

We are alive (yay!!!).  We are YET AGAIN displaced (Boooooo!).  Do not start with the whole "you live in hurricane ally what did you expect" bull$hit.  Yes I know we live where hurricanes happen.  I hate it but there are natural disasters everywhere and we usually can at least, prepare.  

But there was no time this time.  Ida went from a "oh look a 'storm'" to "Holy $hit RUN!"

No lie.  I've said it many times.  I get gut feelings.  I know most people do but I am not one to overreact.  Anyways, I was only ever fearful of one storm.  There was only ONE that scared the beejesus out of me and I cried to get my grandfather to leave his house, and that was Katrina.  All the others in between I was like "meh".  

But this one was different.  The path, the concern of the meteorologists, the WARM gulf.  And it was quick.  There was no TIME.  We heard about her on a Monday as a "little" something headed to the gulf and by Friday you could see the fear everytime the weather came on. 

I did what I always do.  I prepped my house, prepped my customers, and got ready to hunker down.  But as the days went on I started getting scared.  Like legit terrified.  By the time Friday came around my nerves were shot.  Work had me frazzled and well so did the path and strength.  Every advisory it ticked more towards us and got way stronger.  The hubs and I kept saying we were staying but as the day went on we both became even more concerned.  We said we will make the decision tomorrow to leave.  

Saturday morning was grim. They weren't saying get out but they were.  It was strong.  It was coming for us.  We were on the "bad side".  Words like total devastation and loss of life were said but we were still a little further east of the biggest concern.  But every advisory was more and more concerning.  Around 9AM, I booked a last minute hotel in Florida just in case.

We waited until 10PM advisory Saturday night.  We had already prepped the house and packed up some bags.  At 10PM they said "your window to leave is almost closed.   This storm is showing no mercy."  They were now predicting a strong Cat 4, 140 MPH winds and she moved more East.  They were saying she could very well be stronger than that.  I got scared...like started shaking scared.  My gut said we have to leave.

So we packed the car, loaded the animals, secured the house as best we could, and went to leave.

*tick tick tick tick* no no no no *tick tick tick tick*.  I am at my wits end.  The car wont start.  I don't generally panic but I was on the verge.  We need to leave.  Every fiber of my being said we have to leave NOW!  But it wont turn over!!! I was about to lose it. 

Thank God, my tiny old car was able to jump our bigger vehicle so we could GTFO.  We left her behind and started our journey.  We barely spoke because we were so scared.  What if we break down on I10 and become a statistic?!?!!?  We had to stop to pee and let the pups out but were scared to turn off the car.  He ran from 11:30PM until 7:30AM!!!  

No it didn't take us that long to get there but we couldn't check in at first.    So we drove up and down beach hwy until the front office opened.  Check in wasn't until 4PM but when I walked in and the lady about crumbled.  She told me to come back at 7:30 and she'd have a room for me.  I must have looked a fright!  At that point I had been awake for over 24 hours and it's not like I slept well Friday night...

We tried to nap after checking in but our nerves were shot and we were passed the point of exhaustion.  We watched helplessly as Ida approached the coastline. We had been up for 36 hours before we finally crashed.  

Sleep wasn't long because my phone started blowing up.  We had friends and family still in the area that didn't leave.  We eventually lost contact.  It was the most harrowing 24 hours until we found everyone safe and mostly unscathed. 

She battered SE Louisiana for something like 15 hours.  My area  had 155 MPH sustained winds for I don't know how long.  I'm not on the coast...she STAYED strong WAAAAAAY far inland.  I watched my camera until the power went out.  Before it did I watched something slam into my car.  Ida had just made landfall....I wasn't sure what I was going home to.

That Sir, is not a toy!

So my Speedy, oh Speedy has a fondness for proving to me he is in fact a hunting dog, even if he is scared of his own shadow.  

The other night I was trying to go to bed early because I had a race the next morning, which meant I decided at 9:30 it was a wonderful time to clean my house.

Around 10:40 I let the pups out to potty before bed and went about finishing my cleaning.  As I walked to throw something away I happened to look into the yard.  All I saw were two dog butts poking out of the bushes and wiggling.  

I opened the door and just before I can hollar, Speedy yeets something furry out of the shrubbery.

Now I'm running and he is pouncing on whatever it is, when little bit comes trotting out gently holding something else furry in her mouth.

So I start yelling.  She drops it and comes to me, "good dog".  He on the other hand is circling his "kill".  I am freaking out not knowing what they caught, but as I got closer .......

It was a GIANT F**KING OPOSSUM and its baby.  

No really, it was HUGE!  Speedy is literally tossing a 20 lb opossum around like a rag doll as lil bit ran around in panicked circles and I yelled for him to drop it.  

Everytime he starts to go towards the door, he doubles back and pokes it with his nose, like he's trying to get it to move.  Finally someone hears me and comes outside to tell me to stop yelling like a crazy person before going "HOLY $HIT!"  Yes, I know, help me!

So I am standing over something like this....but WAY bigger....covered in dog drool....

....an ugly stinky marsupial with freakishly sharp teeth and its baby...playing possum...trying to keep my dog from murdering it further.

We finally get Speedy to leave his "kill" and go inside.  During the commotion the baby waddled off but momma was not moving.

So we poked it with a stick and it hissed "whoo hoo it's alive".

When we got inside we checked out the pups for bites/scratches (all good) and realized he smelled AWFUL!  I didn't really know opossums smelled funky but I guess that makes sense.  

It's like this musky, dirt smell.  

So at like 11:30 Speedy got a shower and we got maybe 5 hours of sleep.

So we all died in 2012 and this is the final test before going up or down....right?!

2019 was...difficult for many.  Most were all happy it was coming to an end.  Thinking 2020 would be a great new start was naive at best.

Like 3 days into the new year we almost had WWIII.  I mean obviously a lot more needed to happen but the pissing contest and just general idiocy had most of us believing we were all going to die in the fiery fall out of a nuclear blast or freeze to death from the nuclear winter.

A couple weeks later Kobe Bryant dies in a freak helicopter accident along with his daughter, and nine other people.  It's not WWIII but it was a WTAF Universe moment.  I'm not a huge Basketball fan but I mean I know who he is and was heartbroken for the families, friends, and fans.

Then Australia was on fire.  Like no really the f**king contiennt was basically burning.  It had been going on for some time but seem to really take over in early 2020.  I (along with everyone else, I'm sure) felt so helpless watching people and animals lose their homes.  I mean I started following the Irwins to see how their Zoo was helping all the injured animals.  I bought items that were donated to to relief cause.  I donated to LEGIT save Australia campaigns.  I mean I know we all joke about everything in Australia wanting to kill you but we still need to save it!

Moving on, we started to hear more and more about this "nothing to worry about" virus in China.  The news said "its all good".  But social media posts from other areas seemed to say different. Then...then news was blowing up with cases all over the world.  Little onesie twosie things until *BAM* it's almost Mardi Gras and its officially here in the US and WTF is happening?!??!  Then one vacation was canceled because international travel was not recommended.  Then a case or 20 popped up in NOLA.  Another vacay was canceled.  I left my office on 3/11 not realizing I would not be returning for an indefinite amount of time.  It's been over 8 weeks... 

Amidst the pandemic Wildfires near Chernobyl ramped up increasing radiation readings in the area.

We had a freak hail storm.  Just out of the blue f**king hail when we were supposed to have "lite showers".  NO warning.  NO nothing just *ping ping ping*, "Mother F**ker!!!" In one city it was the size of my fist...MY FIST!  At least by me it was just tiny marbles but STILL!

The stock market crashed.

Oil went negative.  IT WAS TRADING NEGATIVE!

Now we are being told there are Murder Hornets.  I'm sorry...what?!?!  Ah yes...a hornet....bigger than my index finger.  Excuse me while I just drink Everclear, and cry in a corner.  Apparently their sting hurts (alot) but they really only target Honey Bees.  Oi, I like Honey Bees!

They also are predicting a more active than normal hurricane season...which that news can just f**k right off.

Seriously, who the f**k is playing Jumanji??!?!

To top it all off, people are now protesting the pandemic.  I'm sorry, what....? Well technically they are protesting the SAH orders but it's basically the same because both make about the same amount of f**king sense...zero.  I want things to open up too but safely and not at the cost of more lives.

Oh and apparently wearing a mask...you know to protect OTHER PEOPLE from your germy @$$ is a violation of constitutional rights or something.  As in my comfort is more important than your life so f**k you.  So we want to open back up but not take precautions to keep it from making a resurgence...makes sense *face palm*.

Sometimes I think we deserve $hit like this because as a whole humanity can be hella f**ked up.

$1,000 Brick with a side of heart attack....

So you don't know millennial fear until you are backing up your phone to your computer when it tries to suddenly do a software update and THEN your dog yanks the cable out.

It was like the trifecta of f**ked up!!!!  My 'lifeline' to the world was stuck in "restore to factory settings"...

 

Thank God, the backup finished but WTF man?!!?!  Every time I tried to complete the update, it said it couldn't connect to the phone. EEEEEEEEEE!

B**ch was a freaking brick...

It took me 45 min of playing Genius Bar to fix it. 

thank you for giving me enough knowhow to figure it out. 

Finally after force quitting and restarting and doing a naked rain dance it began to update and verify software. 

It FINALLY finished!!!

After a painful 10 minutes of it sitting with less than 10% left I finally took a deep breath and unplugged it. 

I need a freaking Xanax and a shot of tequila. 

Talk about 1st World Problems!!!!