Ever had an epiphany while riding around looking like Elliot rescuing E.T.?

It's been a rough week so to destress I've been riding my Bike since I still can't run.  As I was pedaling along listening to some True Crime my brain threw me into a memory that I had completely forgotten about.  Mind you it was 100% unrelated to anything I was listening to, it just...happened. 

I was remembering when I was around 8 years old.  I was being "tormented" by another kid.  We were both being babysat at the same house.  This wasn't anything new.  This kid regularly picked on me.  They would bully me both physically and verbally.  And if I ever stood up to them, they would somehow convince me  that I would get in trouble if I didn't do what they said.  

On the occasions I did go to the adult, our sitter would correct it at times but most of the time I was just told I was being a "tattle tale" and to just go do something else and avoid the other child.  Which just resulted in me getting tortured further.  Good job adulting there lady! Mind you this isn't like a teenage sitter.  We are talking like a 50 y/o woman. 

Anyways, this particular memory was just like the others.  Me being bullied and pushed around and told what I can and cannot do.  Being told how ugly I was, how bad I was at whatever we were playing, how they were better at sports and I sucked... I mean pick something it was just a BARRAGE of bull$hit.  I did what the adult told me to do and ignored it and removed myself from situation.  Which got my hair pulled and me pushed into the dirt. I walked away again. 

This B**ch followed me and continued the taunt.  I distinctly remember we had been playing house.  I was "sweeping" the floors.  I was ignoring my tormentor as best I could.  I was stewing.  This had been going on since I could remember.  This kid and I grew up together and they were so mean to me.  I was trying to play alone when they shoved me from behind which caused me to fall pretty hard into a tree.  

I was so mad! I was so hurt! I was so angry! I grabbed th broom from the bottom and spun around at full speed.  I hit them as hard as I could with the handle in their side.  I hit them so hard I knocked the wind out of them and they hit the ground.  I screamed "LEAVE ME ALONE" and walked away. 

This is where my "kindness" f**ked me.  I was crying because I was so frustrated.  Then I felt bad because they were crying and were hurt because of me.  This is where I had the epiphany as an adult.  Because you see instead of going tell on me...this demon of a child BLACKMAILED me.  

That's they best I could describe it.  Literally for the rest of the break this f**king psycho child used my temporary moment of aggression as a way to CONTINUE TO BULLY ME. Anytime I "stepped out of line" by their standards, this sociopath kid would be like "you better do what I say or I'm going to tell the adult what you did to me.  I'm going to tell them how you beat me with a broom handle until I cried. And that you only stopped when I begged you to.  And they'll believe me because I have a bruise to prove it". And since I was a good kid and didn't want to be in trouble, I f**king listened.  

They legit tormented me for over a week with no push back from me because I was scared of getting in serious trouble.  

I was gaslighted by a narcissistic EIGHT YEAR OLD.  How does an 8 year old become that??!?!!?  

I am not saying I was right.  I do not believe in hurting others, unless in self defense.  And I am not proud of how I reacted.  I'm really not.  I think I had blocked that memory until today.   I'm not sure why my brain decided it was time to remember but I'm glad it did.  

As an adult, I know I subconsciously learned from this situation.  I'm more aware of others and avoid narcissists if possible..its like I know the signs.  That kid is a seemingly normal adult.  We are still in touch and they are no longer a narcissistic tw@t waffle.  They no longer manipulate and torture others.  I am glad for that for them, their kids, and well me.  

So I am not sure why I had to remember that event today but I don't believe in coincidences so if I am remembering that...there is a reason, and I am not thrilled about finding out what that reason is.... 

As the world turns...

...better yet...what happens when the world STOPS turning.

Are we talking metaphorically or literally?  Because in the literal sense, I can tell you what happens.  Well, in theory.  1/2 the world freezes and 1/2 the world becomes a desert oven. I'm sure there are parts that will be semi habitable but short story is you die a cold death or deep fry.  And if the elements don't kill you the lack of food will...among other things.

If we are talking metaphorically I am fairly certain the same rules apply.  Because although the physical world may still be spinning around the sun, our society will have ceased to function.  I am not one for doom and gloom.  Honestly I hate doom and gloom but I am realistic and things happening in the world today are signs of something pretty bad on the horizon.  Is it inevitable, no...is it likely, yea...yea I think it might be. It may not be the worst case scenario some are playing things out to be but you'd have to be blind to think all is okay.

Things are happening..."Well, four things. Well, four things and a lizard."  I kid I kid, I mean four things and a lizard could be happening but I don't think it will affect most of us (unless he failed *dun dun duuuuun*).  All joking aside things don't look good especially in the U.S. ...a lot in the south...oil & gas industry.  What some don't seem to realize is if that industry crashes and burns so does the economy...so does the dollar...so does sooooooooo much else (from what I understand).  Just watch TV...its there just hidden in plain sight.  It seems to be a domino effect.  I am NOT an expert but things are happening and I don't know if we will be able to halt it before things go all sideways for us. 

I say this because I've read some things and noticed other things and as I mention said things in conversations OTHER PEOPLE BRING UP then they get all weird and basically laugh it off and caress their Michael Kors bag, brag about their new Lexus or talk about buying that $200 t-shirt.  I am not jealous so don't start with me...I am frugal so I notice high dollar purchases on seemingly  unnecessary things.  And I am not saying "hunker down" (I actually hate that term now) but I am saying be aware of what is happening around us.  It may not affect you today but why not be a little prepared.  You don't have to stop "spoiling" yourself or your kids but be conscious of what is going on in the economy.  A splurge here and there is fine, why not...but if what has been set in motion continues to snowball those three $500 handbags you just couldn't live without last year aren't going to mean a damn thing when you can't buy food or pay the mortgage or whatever.  Just saying. 

Being cost conscious isn't a bad thing.  Stop trying to keep up with celebrities...they makes MILLIONS of dollars a year (or a month in some instances), they can afford to throw money away.  Well for now o_O.

**NOTE** I repeat I am not an expert...just having thoughts...out loud...so I wrote them down.

"Good News Everyone"

You read that in his voice, didn't you? Hahahahaha.  Anyway, I realized this morning that my car has a cloaking device!  I've joked before that I think I bought a transformer because my car has personality (not possessed just prissy) or possibly the chameleon circuit started working again and I bought "Sexy" somehow or maybe her sister, hmmmm.  I mean she is the perfect shade of BLUE and does seem bigger on the inside.  So who is to say she doesn't have a cloaking device or perception filter or something.  Neato torpedo!!!  Oh yikes, never saying that again. 

I've mentioned in the past few months that people just don't see my car.  I had a blue car before this one (actually IDENTICAL to this one) and before that a small silver car.  So I am no stranger to small vehicles and have never had a major issue prior to now.  But lately it is like other vehicles just don't see me.  They pull out in front of me, change lanes when I am right there or almost run into the back of me like they don't realize a car is in front of them. And it is not all massive vehicles some are smaller than mine!

Today is when I realized it HAS to be because my car is cloaking itself (not because other drivers are idiots and clearly aren't paying attention). OMG so cool and I didn't have to pay extra!!!  The problem with that is, it is absolutely RANDOM and it almost killed me this morning!  I was going 55 mph (the actual speed limit) down a 4 lane highway with a turning lane in the middle.  There was NO ONE ELSE AROUND.  No one next to me, no one behind me.  The sun was hidden by clouds so you can't blame glare.  Suddenly this white mustang decided to cross said highway to get to the turning lane.  Normally not an issue but a vehicle coming in the other direction got in the turning lane which caused the white mustang to just stop...blocking my lane and part of the other.  *screeching tires* *down shifting* *horn blaring* *trying to maintain control of my car while braking and attempting to switch lanes*.  I think you get the picture.  The main problem was I was already too close when he went so switching lanes safely wasn't really an option.  One I was going too fast so cutting the wheel hard enough to miss him at that speed I would have lost control.  Two I was focused on braking and thinking "who the f**k stops in the middle of a highway".  Three still braking and white knuckling the wheel, "why did you go?!?! There is literally no one behind me, I could have passed and none of this would be happening!!!!" This happened in seconds...it is amazing the thoughts you can have in such a short period of time. 

All I can say is THANK GOD I have good brakes and was actually paying attention.  I stopped centimeters from his car.  He looked at me like he had no idea where I came from.  It was like I "appeared out of no where".  So there you go...cloaking device or perception filter...or I dunno pick your sci-fi term.  The point is my car can vanish from sight and randomly reappear, that is the only logical explanation. 

Feeling really really bad now...

Ever had your eyes opened suddenly?

So the holidays have been rough. Fun but rough. I realized today that I may have screwed up... You see Internet guy really really really wanted to meet my family and friends for xmas and I said flat out no. Mainly because many of my distant fam doesn't know about me and my ex and that would have been WEIRD for us both plus my friends...they are VERY protective of me and I wasn't sure how'd they react. And thats a HUGE step for me. My family and friends are everything to me. I don't just bring guys to meet them. Well it caused a HUGE fight. And I was so mad at how he talked to me and told me I didn't care. Plus I felt like he just didn't get it. SO I gave a little and said he could meet two of my girls xmas night if we did something. He took that as drive to the area and wait for me... then get mad when I don't call. Well Christmas night was the last straw for me. He fussed at me and told me I was inconsiderate and then hung up. Well I was PMSing and pissed so when he called back I didn't answer.

Flash forward to today (Dec 27). I read a survey on social networking site and realized I was overly bitchy. I really hurt him and was completely insensitive to that. I really wasn't trying to be but I was. And I pride myself on knowing what to say and reading people and this time I was totally off!

All he wanted was my attention, thats it. He wasn't trying to force himself into my family and friends (although thats what it seemed like to me) and just wanted me to give a little and I am so keen on being independent I shut him out and obviously sent mixed signals. Now I still stick to my list of needs from a man but today I realized he will meet more of them than I let on and I was just trying to justify not being with him. I talked to him today and feel awful. I don't want a relationship, I think he knows that but I like him... ALOT more than I thought. I don't want him out of my life, I thought I did but I don't. I think my problem is see things progressing and I am scared. I can see us together and I am freaking out. I pushed him to act this way by being selfish.... which honestly I am entitled to after the last 5 years but he doesn't deserve the brunt of my excess baggage, right? So we talked on the phone today for just a few minutes while he was at work and I apologized for dragging him into this and he apologized for over-reacting. Not a great conversation but an OK one.

I still think he has alot to do before I could ever consider him my boyfriend... like deciding what he wants to do with his life, growing up and moving out. Oh yea and that whole mistrust thing. But I have alot to do too. I have to not treat him like he will crush me and screw up like my ex, make progress with getting out of my house and realize I will never be happy in another relationship until I get over my fear of men.

I think I am done now, I need to stop crying before I go out with my girls later. *sigh* I really hate drama and this time I caused it...!!!!!!!

**EDIT - 12/29/08 - Ok so we talked ALOT right after I wrote this and last night. He annoyed the S**T out of my right after but last night we were cool. He says I have a lot to do to make it up to him. I pretty much said what you see is what you get, deal with it. And I think we are cool. I'm not going to be with him, nor do I want to although we mesh really well. I guess we'll see what happens and who comes along in the mean time ;). K going back to work now :D