Ghostwriting at its finest

So I volunteer for a rescue.  I can't handle fostering and I'd be $hit at cleaning feeding...because I'd want to take them all home.  So I do the behind the scenes stuff....like laundry. 

It's a rescue....FULL of animals.  Unfortunately no matter what they do, it's going to attract nefarious creatures.  

I am generally cautious when I pick up the laundry...checking for said nefarious creatures. I saw nothing.  I don't bring the laundry into my house.  I leave it just outside and bring it in, in batches to clean.  It takes a couple days but it's worth it. 

Well day 2 recently I moved a pillowcase and saw...something.  My guardian angel was watching out for me because if I would have touched it...I may have died on the spot.  I saw....antenna.  They were twitching. 

I.FREAKED.OUT...in my head.  

So what does any normal person do?  They kick the bag over, screaming this is SPARTA, and slam the garage door...OBVIOUSLY!

So I put on tennis shoes and go out the front door to kill my new "guest".  So there I am pulling items out of the bag...flinging them into my driveway....nothing.  

"WHERE IS IT??!?!!?"

**Several hours later**

I went out to bring something to the trash can.  I saw movement out of the corner of my eye.  A bug who shall not be named runs out of the grass.  Its the size of a small bird.  I STG it made eye contact with me and took flight. 

Queue me screaming like a banshee and running for the door.  I lost a shoe along the way. 

Hubs got home later and looks for it...he can't find it.  As he is leaving to go back to work he calls my cell "it's out here...under my car.  I swear it made eye contact with me and came running AT ME!"

I go out with roach spray and spray a barrier around the cars. 

At some point I went out to ride my bike.  But before I do that I grab the last load to put in the wash.  That's when IT peeks out from under the bag. 

**SCREAMING**

It's like the size of my hand....what in creature of nightmares is happening.  

So all my neighbors heard was "Oh my god!  Go away!"  

"Seriously! I don't want to deal with you!"

"F**k now I have to kill you"

"$hit with what?!?!?"

It ran at me.....

"AHHHHHHHHHH"

I lost sight of it and never saw it again. 

So this is me typing from beyond the veil because my soul sure did leave my body.

I don't like you like that!

Ugh!  Why people gotta make $hit complicated.  I am not complex.  If we click we friends.  I am capable of being friends with people of all varieties.   I don't care what you look like, your gender, your sexual preferences, etc.  If we click we click dammit!

And just because we click doesn't mean it has to be sexual!!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!!!  Can I just tell you how many guy friends I've lost because they either can't look past the sexual attraction aspect OR their sig others are like "oh nah ah you can't be friends with a female!"  I am not like that.  Maybe I am naive but I am not gonna be like "you can't talk to your bestie because she's female."  Now if you are always texting her and not coming home, I'ma have an issue but having a bestie of the opposite sex isn't a threat to me.  

Moving on!  I have a new-ish male I consider a long distance bestie.  We've known each other maybe a year and half but we are basically the same person.  We think alike, we like the same things, and have the same dark sense of humor.  He is married, I am married...we have hung out in person a few times and we have NEVER looked at each other more than literal friends.  It's so awesome.  Like we just click.  

Anyways something changed and now I want to punch babies.  We were in person hanging out (with multiple other persons) but our spouses weren't there.  That night was stupid fun.  We laughed so much!  We were picking on each other, cracking jokes, and having an all around fun time.  We learned more about each others pasts and it was really freaking awesome!

The next day we are doing stuff and my guy FRIEND is being f**king weird.  Like weird weird.  Like he's about to jump out of his damn skin.  Bruh WTF?!?!  At one point we brushed arms in passing and he couldn't form a sentence and left the room. Like to the point that one of the other girls is like "um what's his deal?!?!"  

Later that night we go out again for dinner and he's like visibly uncomfortable.  So OF COURSE me the fixer is like pouring on the me charm like trying to make him as comfortable as possible and he seems to chill (Thank God!!!).  We start joking and talking and having fun.  After dinner he's like lets go get a drink. K cool yes.  So we think he's all good now.  

He goes to sit next to me and then like jumps up and practically runs to the seat across from me "WTAF".  So we order some beverages and try to talk but its super loud and he's across from us like a little too far to hear.  He's laughing at the rest of us because we are f**king funny when he gets a call.  He comes back in and has SHUT DOWN.  

The waitress comes back and he's like check please.  It was 7:30!!!! Ummmm what.is.happening??!?!

So we leave and me and another chick are like Da Fuq and are making jokes because that's what we do when our FRIENDS are being sticks in the mud.  Her and I end up going for more libations and he left.  But I was legit concerned I did or said something so I texted him to be like you ok and he was like yea of course we are fine! I could never be upset with you.

I AM MORE CONFUSED!!!!

The next day he's still being weird to the point where we were RAGGING on him because tell us what is wrong man!!!! Now granted when we parted ways he gave me the sweetest hug and was texting all of us later that night.  

For a few days communication was super weird.  Like he didn't know how to act with me and I was like OMG please dont do this!!! I don't want to lose another "friend" because you think I was hitting on you or am gonna try & sleep with you or you think you like me more than you should or something. 

Then suddenly all seems to be fine...I think.  But WTAF happened ?!!!?!?  Did he get inside his own head??!?!  Was he overthinking something we said or did!?!?!?  I try not to be an overthinker but like curiosity is killing me!!!  

I'm not gonna ask because he'll probably get weird again but like AHHHHHHHHHHH!

**UPDATE** I told my BFF (since we were like 5) the story and she thinks he either was overthinking how close we got or his sig other was like "who dis Bish?!?!"  Or I was "safe" until we were in person.  Like I am the long distance chick who is zero threat bc she's 1000 miles away and when we were in person he (or his sig other) got spooked since we didn't have 1000 miles between us.  I mean we have hung out in person before soooo.... I have no idea but I hope he's over it because I miss my friend!!!!!

It's a fever dream with a dash of nostalgia

Well because I said I would take it easy on the horror yesterday...I watched...something I can only describe as Disney on Acid. 

I captured my thoughts in Notes that I will share here...for funsies, its long so BUCKLE UP BUTTERCUPS. 

If you don't want spoilers...stop here.

Winnie the Pooh: Blood and Honey is by far one of the most WTAF movies I have seen in a while. 

Brain Dump:

• Pooh and co are human sized…?
• JFC Pooh and co eat fucking Eeyore bc they no longer have Christopher Robin (CR) to feed them
• Oh snap their cannibalism made them feral! And they chose to never speak again
• CR comes back with his wife to prove they are real and piglet fucking murders her while CR cowers screaming PIGLET NO!!  Bruh help her!
• Pooh kills (?) CR
• Peeps be going missin in the 100 acre wood
• Don’t go to the woods!!!!!!!!!!!!
• Some chick with a complex is encouraged to “get away” to cope…?
• It’s 4 chicks in a cabin, wait 6 maybe...
• Oh ok two are…together..?
• Oh snap that escalated quickly.
• Why he ripped her shirt off first?!?
• Girl just walked out to make a call!  Pooh bashed her head in!!!
• Omg is that a grinder…ahhh
• One chick had a horrid stalker sitch 👀👀👀
• Are they going for backstory here???  
• This is like a bad porno without the sex
• Oh shit CR is still alive and held captive by Pooh
• I’m confused are they people with masks or human sized Pooh and friends?????
• Jesus Pooh is having an existential crisis!
• Oh fuck is he whipping CR with Eeyore's effing tail?!?
• Oh god a stew of endtrails is showered over him ahhhhh 🤢
• Uh oh she in a hot tub alone
• Is that Pooh or piggie creepin on her
• Aw shit it’s both
• Wtaf?!??
• Ooo boobies
• Oh she dead dead
• Wtf does piggie look like a boar
• Wait wait They subdued her to run her over?!? Da Faq
• Aw hell aw hell he crushed her skull with a tire 🤢
• What’s in her bag
• Is that a gun…?
• He used A sledgehammer?!? That’s gruesome
• Oh god her head just exploded 🤢
• Why do they kill some and kidnap others 
• Ewww the messy honey gorging *gag*
• At least I hope that’s honey
• Eewww he’s dripping  honey on her 
• He slapped her…to death…?
• Oh nope she alive
• Save CR you dipshits!
• Whose screaming??  When did they capture someone else?!?!?!
• Who’s the older chick chained up?!?
• Oh they are half human...is that what she said????
• Who the eff is Charlene, did a miss a whole story line?!?!?!
• How does she know so much CR said they brought here there this morning......
• Oh bitch is hoarsely calling for piglet with a gun, she gonna die die 🤣
• Pooh is dousing her in. Honey and….oh god piglet is eating her alive 🤢
• Oh snap piglet got a sledgehammer to the face
• How do you like it MOFO
• Well that's a whole new meaning to "Hog Tied" 🤣🤣🤣
• Squeal PIggy!
• Oh hell I think she killed him
• Ooooo Pooh ain’t gonna like that
• Oh god knife through the mouth into a post 👀👀👀
• Run BITCHES he's Michael Myers walking....RUN!
• Oh them Hillbillys about to die
• "That ain’t no man"…"that ain’t no bear," jeebus pick up the chicks and drive you idiots!
• Did they....did they just call Pooh a freak... Christ!
• Correction, Logan colt and Tucker about to die
• “Pooh breathes heavily” 🤣🤣🤣subtitles
• 4-1 Pooh still gonna win
• It’s a Mexican standoff…with Brits
• Jeebus he’s not even fighting back
• How is he still alive?!?!?!
• What in the hell.  How hard is his slap
• Ooooo karate chop
• Awww come on he stomp/ground his brains into the dirt
• Wait wait did I miss that....?  He can summon bees?!? Pahahhahahaa
• DRIVE AWAY CHICKS!!!
• Why did you run him over, for f**ks sake!!!!
• Jesus Christ just slam on the brakes and he'll go a flyin
• This bitch just hit the ceiling like that’s gonna do anything to the maniac bear beating on the roof
• What happened to CR. Did they leave him?!?
• Ooops she lost her head…and then there was one
• She turned the windshield wipers on and smeared her friend 🤣
• Pahahahha CR coming in hot screaming  fuck you is the best
• Bruh, he ain’t dead
• Ewww did he just vomit up honey?! 🤢
• Why is he so strong?!??
• This is very Saw/the purge/hostile
• CR offering the sacrifice
• The good is still in you Pooh 🤣🤣🤣
• Let her go, Take me please...I'll never leave you... GOOD LORD!
• He slit her throat and gravelly says "you left" *dying laughing*
• Pooh is a demented asshole
• That's some aggressive stabbing
• Jeebus he stabbed her...through her skull
• did he kill CR finally?
• Pooh growls into the night
• WTAF did I just watch
• I'll never look at Pooh the same
• OMG there is going to be a sequel
• I need a drink

Anybody got a room available for a few nights?

So I am laying on the couch and someone sneezed behind me!!!!!!!

The issue, gross. 

But the worse issue....NO ONE WAS THERE!

Husband is in the back playing a video game and both pups are sound asleep on top of me.  

I am watching reruns of Castle vegging out after a rough day and there was a very loud, very distinct Dad Sneeze!!!!!!!!!!!

I jumped, the dogs jumped, and then I got the heebie jeebies.

There is no door or window behind me so it wasn't outside.  And the back patio is on the other side of the wall. 

We are the only humans in the house.

The animals are all accounted for and sleeping.

Sooooo either Casper has allergies or the invisible man was just passing through.  

Either way, I think I need a room for the night. 

Waterboarding with Hand Sanitizer

Being the good fur momma I am, I make sure to get the babies their annuals.  Since I had some free time, I took Speedy to get poked and probed.  

I promised lots of love and treats after and he was such a good boy.  He wasn't barking at other dogs and he laid very patiently by my feet in the waiting room.  We were finally called into the room and ready for the doc.  

Since COVID they are not doing any of the work in the exam room, so he was promptly taken to the back.  

Let me clarify that this is far from him 1st vet visit and he has NEVER had issues in the past. 

About 5 min later the Vet came in looking concerned.  She said "when the tech touched his foot to trim his nails, he started flinging his body all over".  

Dr: Was he nervous in the waiting room?

Me: No...he was laying by my feet...

Dr: Did he get anxious when you came into the room...?

Me: No he was licking the Tech and being a big goober.

Dr: Hmmmm well he's...he's not being aggressive but he's kind of freaking out and I really am concerned he's going to hurt himself or head butt one of us....

Me: Oh no, I don't want him or y'all injured!  Maybe I can try calming him down.

Dr: Sorry....I can't bc of the protocols. 

Me: *blank stare* Ok...I understand...so now what...wait did you say he freaked when she touched his foot...?

Dr: Yes......?

Me: OMG...like 7 months ago he sprained his foot and we brought him in to make sure it wasn't broken....I guess he remembers.  

Dr: o_O Okay... well I guess the next step is he needs to be sedated...but not now.  He's too hyped up.  

So she left to get the pills and I get to bring him back....Yay *plfeet*

But that's not where this story ends.  

The tech brings him back in looking like she went through a tornado. *$hit*.  She hands the leash over and immediately I am slapped in the face with the most VILE smell you can imagine.  I actually gagged. 

Me: OMG you popped your butt!

Tech: Yea....its all over me

Me: OMG OMG I am so sorry!!!  

Tech:  It shot out like a cannon.  

Then she shrugged and left. *facepalm*

So there I am...in a TINY exam room...with a giant lap dog who just expressed his anal glands wagging his tail.  

I did my best to clean him off but my supplies were limited and I was gagging with watering eyes, like full gagging and normally I have a pretty strong stomach. 

The smell.  God the smell.  It's burned into my nostrils. It wasn't the normal fishy metallic smell.  Its was PUTRID.  Like something f**king died times a million.  But I couldn't leave because I needed the pills from the Doc.  She finally came back and was like "Whoa, buddy you are really traumatized". She's trying not to gag.  I have my tee over my face and he's just happy as a clam, trying to give the vet kisses (yo WTF Dog?!?!).

As I was paying, the smell was wafting into the reception area like some invisible toxic fog (F**k me).  Other pet owners are coughing but trying not to visibly react. I swear I saw eyes watering (Jesus Magee dog what came out of you?!?!).  The tech checking me out was like "oh he expressed them didn't he." Yes...Sorry!!!! She's like "no worries...I'm sorry...you have to ride home with him" (Double F**k me!!!).

So we get into my tiny car to head home.  I have the windows down.  The air on full blast but its so strong.  Like I am going to vomit any second strong.  So I improvised.  I found my handy dandy mask and I sprayed it with fruity hand sanitizer which seemed to help-ish.  

So there I am looking like a f**king psycho driving alone in my car with a mask on and the windows down. 

Oh and every few minutes I did my best impersonation of the War Boys spraying my mask with sanitizer to burn the smell from my nostrils.  

I got home, threw him in the yard, pulled the sheets out of my car & febreezed it, left the windows down, bathed his hind quarters thoroughly, stripped down nekkid in the garage, and took the hottest shower I could stand.  

Its DAYS later and I swear I can still smell it *gag*.